Kids and Health: Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 38

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 135

02/10/2018 15:30

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 133

You deserved it 567

Leave us alone

Another great day to be alive

Walk the line

30/03/2011 17:28

Today, my friends sat me down and said they were concerned I was self-harming. I don't self-harm, I'm just a massive klutz. They don't believe me, and want me to get professional help. And now, because I found it all so funny, they think I'm mentally unhinged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 874

You deserved it 4 635

19/05/2009 00:04

Today, I was walking out of my front door in the town where I intern. I live alone and know no one. As I'm locking the door, I see a golf ball wedged between my mat and step. I notice that there's writing on it so I pick it up to read, "You look hot when you sleep." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 981

You deserved it 3 683

Shortage

By WaterNeeded - 21/06/2018 20:30

Today, I came back from a holiday with in-laws who don't speak English. After taking a dump and not being able to flush, I realised they had turned off the water prior to the holiday. I had to show them my poop to explain they had no running water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 827

You deserved it 410

09/09/2013 21:51

Today, while working as a cashier, a really cute guy came up and said, "Hi Morgan". I freaked out and asked him how he knew my name. He then replied, "You have a name tag". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 147

You deserved it 19 524

20/12/2012 05:30

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 926

You deserved it 15 299

22/09/2012 06:24

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 737

You deserved it 62 439

11/07/2009 00:16

Today, I was walking through airport security when a guard began making lewd gestures at his crotch, while looking at me. I was outraged until I realized he was trying to tell me that my fly was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 584

You deserved it 41 555

05/12/2011 05:41

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 739

You deserved it 49 665

21/04/2009 03:14

Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 747

You deserved it 68 076

Loud and long

By Anonymous - 01/12/2019 14:00

Today, I'm stuck with sleeping in the same room as my mother. The problem? Her snores are extremely loud and a full minute long. I'm not kidding, I timed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 768

You deserved it 131

Premeditated

By IgiveUp - 28/05/2021 06:01

Today, I went out to eat with my friends. When the bill came, all 3 of them had "inconveniently" forgot their wallets at home. I ended up having to pay. It was a $178 check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 89

18/07/2016 19:35

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 583

You deserved it 864

31/12/2013 19:36

Spicy

Today, I tried waxing for the first time. At first it felt like I'd dipped my balls in a furnace. Now I can't even feel them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 414

You deserved it 23 002

28/08/2015 21:48

Spicy

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend when he stood up on the bed to get a different experience. I started to get aggressive and pushed him up against the wall. I forgot our bed was on wheels and the bed started sliding away and his body slid down the wall. So much for being sexy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 324

You deserved it 5 016

Innocent

By Boyufd - 19/01/2019 12:00

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 534

You deserved it 121

28/08/2009 15:08

Today, I wanted to be creative. I hid an engagement ring for my girlfriend inside one of her running shoes. I expected her to find it and wake me up, but she didn't. Later, when I asked if there was anything in her shoe, she responded, "There was a rock. I just shook it out outside. Why?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 073

You deserved it 59 755

20/02/2010 06:04

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 322

You deserved it 2 718

11/07/2014 20:02

Today, I texted my mom asking how she was doing. Apparently she's great, and on her honeymoon. I didn't know she was getting married, or that my parents had just gotten divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 664

You deserved it 4 711

20/06/2019 02:28

Today, after spending the day at work avoiding all hard manual tasks that may harm me, I had a table dropped on my foot. I broke my toe, split my nail and had to get a tetanus shot. I was avoiding injury as I was supposed to be performing in a figure skating exhibition this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 808

You deserved it 184

17/02/2018 15:00

Today, accustomed to dealing with my old car's faulty accelerator, I pressed the pedal way too hard in my new car and crashed into a pillar, totaling the engine and giving myself a concussion. I could still see the dealership down the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 480

You deserved it 4 109

25/07/2011 15:12

Spicy

Today, yep, pubic hair is still flammable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 569

You deserved it 62 386

08/07/2019 16:00

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 416

You deserved it 285

20/07/2010 04:57

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 702

You deserved it 3 857

19/08/2017 20:00

Today, after being single for a year, I finally have a boyfriend. Today, my chronic nightmares also started up again after being gone for a year. Apparently I'm allowed to have either a love life, or sleep. Not both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 005

You deserved it 322

08/01/2013 23:56

Today, I was walking my dog when he decided that he was too lazy to continue walking. It ended up with me looking like a crazy dog lady carrying my medium-sized dog home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 592

You deserved it 5 172

30/06/2013 22:08

Today, my house was egged while I went out shopping. When I told my dad about it, he immediately and casually admitted to being the one who did it, asking, "You got a fucking problem with that, son?" I don't know if he's just messing with my head, or if he really did do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 788

You deserved it 3 651

It's called caring, OK?

By gan-1991 - 15/06/2020 23:01

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to the sound of my cat puking up a hairball. This is the second year in a row he has done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 156

You deserved it 244

07/05/2009 04:29

Today, I picked up my passport, as my previous one was damaged in a car crash. As the teller warns me that a pattern of damaged passports will result in longer processing periods, she spills her coffee - all over my new passport. I'm supposed to go overseas in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 088

You deserved it 2 359

21/05/2010 00:54

Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 557

You deserved it 5 223

30/11/2008 02:34

Spicy

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 464

You deserved it 2 937

12/06/2009 16:49

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 663

You deserved it 13 236

29/09/2009 03:00

Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 832

You deserved it 3 846

19/04/2015 17:09

Today, while studying for an exam, the neighbor's chihuahua started barking outside. After a few seconds, my mom yelled out for me to stop laughing. She honestly thought the barking was my laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 505

You deserved it 3 429

04/03/2010 01:26

Today, I was telling a new friend of mine about my boyfriend. I told her his name and where he is from. She interrupted me and says "Yeah drives a big white truck, rides dirt bikes?! I dated him two years ago!" This guy and I have dated for four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 192

You deserved it 2 728

07/01/2011 03:23

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 834

You deserved it 5 141

Bootstraps

By thanks dad - 07/07/2021 07:01

Today, my dad paid for plane tickets for my brother’s girlfriend and her two kids so they could go to the family reunion on the other side of the country. He refused to buy my ticket though, because I "should’ve planned better." I lost my job due to Covid and used my savings to pay rent and bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 60

17/08/2010 04:21

Today, my friends thought it would be a good idea to make fun of a homeless man. I didn't fancy making fun of the less fortunate, so I stayed a bit back. Still, the homeless man didn't think it would matter to throw a rock at me after my buddies ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 589

You deserved it 14 481

01/03/2016 18:48

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 864

You deserved it 4 596

17/06/2013 17:52

Today, my grandparents went around bragging to people that I'm taking my STD test. They meant to say SAT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 199

You deserved it 3 301

13/02/2013 04:57

Today, I was walking to my dorm room while it was snowing heavily. I saw a girl in a wheelchair trying to get up a slippery incline. Being a good person, I asked to help. I'm a pretty weak guy, and I couldn't push her up. She wheeled away crying because she thought she was fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 785

You deserved it 6 109

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Top comments

Dave_Davington 33

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Tuesday 2 October 2018 16:44

On the plus side, just say "I want to play a game" whenever the kid looks to be on the verge of a tantrum and you'll have the most obedient kid in history. You can live the dream of every parent ever.

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Saturday 22 September 2018 16:31

I thought kids were supposed to see-saw?

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BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 22 September 2018 12:24

Poor kid will need therapy for life.

Lyshan 10

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Monday 24 September 2018 13:06

this reminds me of when i was 6 and we had an 8 room flat, like an endless floor with doors. The living room was on one end, the parents room on the other end of the flat. I watched horror movies all night long, and i clearly remember Freddy Kruger pulling someone over the walls. I was a creepy kid, not afraid of anything, and till today i enjoy horror movies.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Wednesday 3 October 2018 13:45

Wait, so you stood at the end of a long corridor just staring into the distance? Did Danny not want to play with you and your twin sister?

Leeono 26

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Saturday 22 September 2018 16:31

I thought kids were supposed to see-saw?

Dave_Davington 33

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Tuesday 2 October 2018 16:44

On the plus side, just say "I want to play a game" whenever the kid looks to be on the verge of a tantrum and you'll have the most obedient kid in history. You can live the dream of every parent ever.

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Tuesday 2 October 2018 21:08

I'm pretty sure this would count as emotional abuse.

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

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Tuesday 2 October 2018 17:23

he at least deserves a punch in the face and babywatch for his next few days off for that one

Soviet Chilingulo 7

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Tuesday 2 October 2018 20:03

Show him the making of the movie and make him understand that it's axting and male up. Good luck.

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Tuesday 2 October 2018 20:32

The same thing happened to me and Tremors when I was a kid.

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Tuesday 2 October 2018 22:24

Good to start them when they're young. She'll grow up loving horror movies now...

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Tuesday 2 October 2018 22:44

Dumb husband? Way to validate yourself for being mad at him for an unintended event. I'm sure he said to himself 'You know what will piss my wife off? If I let our 5 year old watch Saw 3.' Get over yourself. The way I see it the only 'dumb' thing about him is he puts up with someone who talks about him this way.

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Wednesday 3 October 2018 6:33

a) you can still get mad at unintended things. b) I wanna see you keep your composure when your 6 month old is finally sleeping through the night (which I'd just guess was mostly mum's problem because of feeding etc) only to have it instantly replaced with a 5yo who has recurring nightmares. It's not fun being constantly sleep deprived, it's not fun seeing your kid scared and crying every night. It might have been unintentional but the consequences still suck, so if 'dumb' is the worst thing she has to say about him, that's still being mild.

Cz22mv 14

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Wednesday 3 October 2018 1:04

Normally a child that is scared by a show will simply stop watching it...

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Wednesday 3 October 2018 1:07

My dad once left 5 year old me inside the house alone to watch cartoons, He was outside in the backyard. One of the cartoons in question was Tex Avery's MGM short "What's Buzzin' Buzzard?" This entire short was basically about two starving crazed vultures in the desert trying to eat one another. While I was definitely disturbed by this short, and vividly remembered a part where one vulture caught his pal in his mouth, I never really saw the short again until I was in middle school--and was still disturbed by it. By college, I fell in love with it. Poor 5 year old though. Seeing disturbing things on TV when little leave a pretty big imprint on us.