Demonic attack!

By zombie mommy - 27/06/2020 17:02

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 208

Stop talking!

Good kid

Yellow

With friends like these…

By MaySheRestinPeace - 06/03/2020 15:00

Today, a friend asked me to cover his shift at work because his grandmother died. Like any decent friend, I obliged. Later, after leaving, I walked by a bar and saw him inside, laughing and doing shots with all of our friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 960

You deserved it 132

30/03/2017 03:00 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I painted the guest bathroom. Once finished, I noticed the paint splatters on my arms matched my lily white chalky skin. Paint matches me better than my makeup. Guess I need a different paint, and new make up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 874

You deserved it 417

20/09/2012 21:34 - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 493

You deserved it 1 691

03/02/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 570

You deserved it 24 726

Gross

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 15:59 - United States - Cumberland

Today, I confronted my mother because I lock my bedroom door everytime I leave the house, then when I came home, the door was open and ajar. She got really defensive and said it's because she and her boyfriend want to make passionate whoopie on my king-size bed because it's bigger than her full-size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 106

Don't go to Sunn O))) concerts, kids

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 12:01 - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, my doctor told me that the intense, non stop ringing in my ears, which started suddenly at the beginning of the year, has no cure, no treatment options, and I just need to learn to live with it. I have severe auditory sensory issues, and have barely been getting by. I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 037

You deserved it 73

24/08/2015 01:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 628

You deserved it 8 739

02/03/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 483

You deserved it 6 306

05/08/2016 01:24

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 829

You deserved it 1 608

23/09/2013 06:15 - United States - San Diego

Today, while I was working, someone came in and attempted to purchase GTA 5 with a medical marijuana card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 994

You deserved it 3 428

14/12/2010 11:00 - United States

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 091

You deserved it 7 759

20/12/2012 05:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a bath because I couldn't get my left arm wet due to a minor medical procedure. My roommates decided to barge in to the bathroom and ruthlessly pelt me with flour. Not only did I find out flour burns the eyes, but the shock caused me to slip and submerge my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 997

You deserved it 3 076

19/09/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I bought a new pack of "feminine wipes" on my way over to my boyfriend's house after a long day of work. He saw them in my purse and sweetly told me I shouldn't be so self conscious. Later on, when he was going down on me, he said, "I take back what I said earlier." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 272

You deserved it 9 110

Today, on Maury…

By MIA - 15/09/2019 06:03

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 002

You deserved it 159

07/11/2016 06:47

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 197

You deserved it 2 377

17/04/2012 00:57 - United States

Today, my fiancée informed me she'd invited her ex-husband to our wedding at her parents' request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 811

You deserved it 2 132

04/12/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, it was my first day with new contacts, but I found out they make my eyes red and itchy. Today was also the day I had a very important meeting. They think I showed up stoned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 838

You deserved it 3 356

30/09/2013 19:02 - United States - Brecksville

Today, I smelled chicken nuggets and asked my boyfriend if he was making some. He wasn't. It was my armpits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 428

You deserved it 43 323

Get it on, get on with it

By WorkingBlind - 12/10/2021 23:00

Today, I was supposed to be working from home. Instead, I ended up taking the kids out to the park for the morning, because my wife “couldn’t even” today. When we got home, she had demolished two bottles of wine, and was masturbating to a home improvement show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 144

27/03/2011 00:26 - United States

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 387

You deserved it 39 896

17/11/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 925

You deserved it 12 135

15/08/2014 03:35 - United States - Brandon

Today, I went to my new gynecologist. He has an eye twitch, and every time he asks about my genitals, he winks at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 868

You deserved it 4 308

Going nowhere fast

By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 03/05/2020 02:00

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 494

You deserved it 1 079

30/11/2012 03:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 869

You deserved it 9 947

01/03/2010 16:59 - Canada

Today, I was on the city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling at my jacket. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say "stop chewing on that!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 577

You deserved it 2 795

22/08/2010 03:32 - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how sweetly the main character on my favorite tv show proposed to his girlfriend. He told me to hang on a second, and later forgot about me while he told his brother about the hot blonde he slept with last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 025

You deserved it 6 451

Knowledge is power

By andy - 28/01/2013 04:36 - United States - Long Beach

Today, on my shift as a nurse, I asked a pregnant woman what she would name her child. She said she saw the name "Chlamydia" on a billboard and decided to name her daughter that, saying it was "beautiful." I informed her that it was an STD, and she replied, "Oh, well no one knows that!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 233

You deserved it 2 833

School's out

By Ray Mundo - 18/07/2021 16:01

Today, I was at my school's choir concert, sitting in the audience with some people I had classes with. A guy with a really long beard walked in and I pointed him out to the guy next to me, saying, "Get a load of Duck Dynasty." He replied, "Yeah, that's my dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 1 286

01/08/2009 21:37

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 924

You deserved it 23 258

Cutting corners

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 06:01

Today, we can finally order badly needed safety gear for my crew. My boss flipped his shit, demanding that I "stop bringing it up, it's annoying" for doing my damndest to keep up with industry standards. I was brought to tears for literally doing my job, with no "peers" to back me, since I'm an HR department of one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 173

You deserved it 61

09/09/2018 22:00

Today, after frolicking in some long grass near a lake, my dog got back in the car smelling strongly of poop. Upon further investigation, I discovered that a sewer had overflowed in the area. My dog rolled around in human faeces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 916

You deserved it 307

10/05/2012 20:17 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 988

You deserved it 3 619

Smart criminals

By Annette - 27/11/2020 23:01

Today, I came out to find my truck window broken. They broke into my truck to yank out the stereo. It was unlocked the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 76

It's a coup!

By everythingWASperfect - 13/11/2010 14:43 - Canada

Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 839

You deserved it 4 315

09/06/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, a guy from my school came into my work. I knew him but forgot his name. I didn't want to be rude and ask for his name when he probably expected me to know it. So, thinking I was clever, I said "How do you spell your name again?". His name was Rob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 101

You deserved it 55 338

16/01/2012 16:10 - United States

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 319

You deserved it 38 311

26/11/2010 13:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 487

You deserved it 3 050

08/09/2012 11:38 - United States - Salem

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 356

You deserved it 2 544

26/10/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 528

You deserved it 6 881

Technologically challenged

By Anonymous - 31/07/2020 05:01

Today, my aged mother continued to complain about her computer issues to me. A relative, who is good at tech support, won't bother servicing her computer because whatever she does ends up bogging it down the next day, so I have to hear about it on the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 113

You deserved it 130

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Top comments

awildwhisper 30

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Saturday 27 June 2020 21:22

That sounds absolutely terrifying. I'm too selfish for kids, I enjoy having more than an hour of sleep a night.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 27 June 2020 18:00

Whoa! You didn't even get through one year with her without her wanting to kill you! Good luck with that.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 27 June 2020 18:00

Whoa! You didn't even get through one year with her without her wanting to kill you! Good luck with that.

awildwhisper 30

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Saturday 27 June 2020 21:22

That sounds absolutely terrifying. I'm too selfish for kids, I enjoy having more than an hour of sleep a night.

It_gets_better 16

Sunday 28 June 2020 13:46

Reading this up all night with my 3-month-old and that's HILARIOUS.

Shzusuziq 16

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Sunday 28 June 2020 14:13

Put her in a crib right near you. I always thought it’s not good to sleep with them when they are that young anyway.

thomasthedankengine 11

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Sunday 28 June 2020 20:05

throw it away

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 212

You deserved it 46

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 360

You deserved it 113