By zombie mommy - 27/6/2020 17:02

Demonic attack!

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1368

You deserved it

204

Tweet

Share

BO Central

The grudge

Keep the peace

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, saying I had a lot on my plate. She responded by throwing an empty plate at my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13077

You deserved it

28695

Tweet

Share

By filipinoclari808 - United States

Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15760

You deserved it

81242

Tweet

Share

By Lindso1

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4123

You deserved it

228

Tweet

Share

By Rae - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44331

You deserved it

4460

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss finally pronounced my name correctly. My name was then followed by the words "You're fired." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29672

You deserved it

2564

Tweet

Share

By NoSleep - United States

Today, I had my first day off in weeks. I was excited about getting to sleep in, until my boss called me at 6:30 in the morning to remind me I didn't have to come into work. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40726

You deserved it

3246

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1933

You deserved it

77

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Hmmm, twins

Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27537

You deserved it

4119

Tweet

Share

By taylor_eileen - United States

Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26492

You deserved it

3172

Tweet

Share

By yawho - Japan

Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

60256

You deserved it

9823

Tweet

Share

By educatedreptile - Canada - Yorkton

Today, I found out that I owe the government money and that the amount will increase if I miss the deadline 2 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9135

You deserved it

1424

Tweet

Share

By confused - France

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years spent a whole hour making me promise that if he ever died, I would never try to find someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33062

You deserved it

4516

Tweet

Share

By soccercrazed1520 - France

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35191

You deserved it

4357

Tweet

Share

By SophieGray - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38779

You deserved it

5045

Tweet

Share

By Landdownunder - United States

Comedy gold

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me and decided it'd be funny to blow raspberries in my crotch. He literally thought it was the funniest thing ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1631

You deserved it

285

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend decided to have a birthday party for me at this new bar. She texted the wrong address to all of my friends. They showed up at a computer store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26809

You deserved it

2774

Tweet

Share

By 41k312

Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8681

You deserved it

3553

Tweet

Share

By pissedandcomputerless - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44946

You deserved it

8650

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24541

You deserved it

13724

Tweet

Share

By hunterjumper1212 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22201

You deserved it

2853

Tweet

Share

By motheroftwo - Norway

Today, while standing by the kitchen window I noticed a mouse running across our lawn on top of the snow. I called my two daughters to come see it, but by the time they got to the window a hawk was shredding the poor thing to pieces. My kids didn't stop crying for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33542

You deserved it

6648

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, a highly intoxicated man came into my workplace and complained that the medicine that I'd prescribed for his dog almost choked him. I work at Blockbuster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32582

You deserved it

2583

Tweet

Share

By heartbroke - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44382

You deserved it

3450

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29893

You deserved it

3545

Tweet

Share

By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1654

You deserved it

434

Tweet

Share

By wheresthelove - United States

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34790

You deserved it

3038

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 14:11

Free healthcare for all

Today, I had to attend an appointment and was told I should be prepared to be in hospital all day, so I booked a day off work. The appointment was trivial and lasted 10 minutes. I work paycheque to paycheque to feed myself and 2 kids, and even missing one day will hurt by the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1742

You deserved it

128

Tweet

Share

By woah - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47884

You deserved it

8198

Tweet

Share

By fuckmyhair - 16/4/2020 23:00

Stuck

Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1409

You deserved it

203

Tweet

Share

By ohmy - Canada

Today, a spider crawled across my glasses' lens. My first reaction was to smack myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15503

You deserved it

27788

Tweet

Share

By strangely - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35137

You deserved it

6220

Tweet

Share

By shortyybrooke

Today, my wife sat beside me on the ledge of the bathtub because she wanted to make out. I was on the toilet. Shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3156

You deserved it

389

Tweet

Share

By robbyrabbit - United States

Today, I went to the place I signed for yesterday to pay the first month's rent and get my keys. I looked around before I left, and used the toilet. I went back later to show my boyfriend and found the place flooded an inch with water coming from the toilet. It had been flooding for 7 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25929

You deserved it

4691

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Denied!

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31162

You deserved it

4737

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The guy chuckled mockingly at my master's degree in philosophy and wound up admitting that he had no idea why I'd even been selected to be interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21147

You deserved it

3699

Tweet

Share

By fuck no! - 19/4/2020 23:00

What are you not getting?

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1548

You deserved it

227

Tweet

Share

By grapes - United States - Westfield

Today, I asked my dad for help on some homework I didn't fully understand. He walked away and came back with a huge bowl of grapes and said, "Here's your brain food." Then he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22208

You deserved it

1877

Tweet

Share

By rochellamaya - Canada

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37158

You deserved it

4252

Tweet

Share

By Happy Employee - United States

Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37208

You deserved it

2694

Tweet

Share

By #201 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52393

You deserved it

16484

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By awildwhisper | 30

#7916992 - Saturday 27 June 2020 21:22

That sounds absolutely terrifying. I'm too selfish for kids, I enjoy having more than an hour of sleep a night.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7916928 - Saturday 27 June 2020 18:00

Whoa! You didn't even get through one year with her without her wanting to kill you!

Good luck with that.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7916928 - Saturday 27 June 2020 18:00

Whoa! You didn't even get through one year with her without her wanting to kill you!

Good luck with that.

By awildwhisper | 30

#7916992 - Saturday 27 June 2020 21:22

That sounds absolutely terrifying. I'm too selfish for kids, I enjoy having more than an hour of sleep a night.

By It_gets_better | 14

#7917142 - Sunday 28 June 2020 13:46

Reading this up all night with my 3-month-old and that's HILARIOUS.

By Shzusuziq | 16

#7917149 - Sunday 28 June 2020 14:13

Put her in a crib right near you. I always thought it’s not good to sleep with them when they are that young anyway.

By thomasthedankengine | 10

#7917218 - Sunday 28 June 2020 20:05

throw it away