Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not... - FML

By anon - 5/12/2014 15:44 - United States - Georgetown

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

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This is us

Honesty is the best policy

Rich people problems

By 21! - 3/7/2012 01:53 - United States - Schenectady

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

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By handi-crap - 5/1/2010 17:28 - United States

Today, I had a promo code for a free Redbox movie. Since I knew exactly which movie I wanted, I parked in a handicapped space because it was super close and I was cold. I didn't think anyone would notice, but apparently the cop that parked beside my car did. My free movie cost me $100. FML

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By CanWeAllGetOne - 13/11/2013 06:40 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

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By GrLifeusx - 8/3/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was going to a Harry Potter convention since I love the books so much. On my drive there I got lost, and it only got worse when my car broke down. Since I forgot my cell phone I decided to try and hitch a ride. I stood on the side of a road for two hours dressed like Ron Weasley. FML

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By icantdrive - 19/3/2009 04:22 - Canada

Today, I went to a party to see my crush. He offered me a drink and I declined telling him that I don't drink because alcohol makes people act stupid and crash their cars. He then saw me back into a car parked on the street and shatter my backlights as I reversed from the driveway to go home. FML

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By pam - 3/12/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I said thanks to a man who got up for me in the bus. He angrily said "no, not you!". The old lady who sat down is now staring at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2016 20:37 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

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By - 6/11/2019 18:00

Touched for the very first time

Today, I went to a new doctor. She asked me how long I had been sexually active. I said I'm not. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 22:24 - Canada - Sackville

Today, my crazy drug-addict mother kicked me out of the house after siding with my crazy, drug-addict aunt, who'd just threatened to slit my throat. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, my boss came back from a 2 week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone. But the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

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By redcherries90 - 8/12/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I slipped on the new snow and sprained my ankle. As my mom and I were leaving the emergency room, she says, "You owe me $4 for parking," and she meant it. FML

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By monsterdanceman - 23/10/2013 23:16 - United States - Ozark

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 11:17 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, multiple people admired my elaborate face paint. This happens every Halloween, at least every Halloween since I got badly burnt in a car accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 17:00

Assumptions

Today, I found out that most of the people I work with secretly refer to me as the "designated bottom" because they assumed from my slight stature and soft spoken personality that I was a submissive homosexual. My wife thinks it’s hilarious and keeps grabbing my ass to make me jump in shock. FML

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By thanksfyi - 2/7/2011 21:51 - Norway

Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML

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By soulaar - 2/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By tgd4444 - 23/7/2011 10:29 - Malaysia

Today, I was arrested. The policeman threw me to the ground because I wouldn't answer his questions. This was after he told me I had the "right to remain silent". FML

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By queenariii - 28/6/2016 05:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

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By snowbum69 - 15/12/2013 08:38 - United States - Meridian

Today, I went skiing with a girl I like. On the lift I asked her out. She said no. Halfway up the lift stopped. We were stuck up there for nearly an hour. FML

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By jane - 9/10/2009 14:04 - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

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By familyfued - 17/2/2018 01:30

Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife. FML

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By Jayanka - 3/5/2018 05:00

Today, my 17-year-old daughter has been sending and receiving videos and pictures of a sexual nature. I just had to wade through a ton of middle-aged dick pics as evidence for the police. FML

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By Noname - 4/12/2008 04:39 - France

Today, my two year old girl said "motherfucker". Everyone laughed, even her grandparents. Our family is insane. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I found out the reason my clothes have been smelling a little funny isn't because I sweat heavily, it's because of the dead rat in the back of my dryer. FML

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By FakeID - 6/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. When the police officer approached me and asked for license and registration, I accidentally gave him my fake I.D. FML

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By HeIsKindaRightTho - 16/9/2014 04:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, I video-chatted with my mom and showed her my new, very short haircut. My dad walked in, took one look at me and said, "I can only attribute this to penis envy," and walked out again. FML

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By Dgama - 17/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

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By Username - 28/5/2010 06:20 - France

Today, it was the hottest day of the year so I opened my sun roof. The hottest day of the year was followed by the biggest storm of the year. I forgot to close my sun roof and my car is now flooded. FML

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By panickygrl - 6/11/2011 17:43 - United States

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

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By comics over coatis - 4/4/2017 12:00

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By Beardedlady - 27/9/2018 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, my mom told me that I need to shave my beard because it's getting too long. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman. FML

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By Lily - 21/2/2009 11:22 - United States

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

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By georgiaswish - 20/11/2013 20:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my obsessive ex, who recently cut my phone line to stop me from talking to my boyfriend of three years, got a job at the same restaurant where both my boyfriend and I work. FML

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By OiVey - 1/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 21:14 - United States - Margate City

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 06:18 - United States

Today, I was driving out to a concert I've been excited about for months. I was using my GPS to guide me to the venue. It decided to guide me to an abandoned warehouse in the middle of town. FML

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By fuckedover - 26/2/2013 16:43 - United States

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

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By kimboslice106 - 8/6/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to spend the night at my house because my dad would be working out of town, and once the rest of the house left I thought it'd be sweet if he snuck in my room and slept with me. His reply was "Why bother? You're on your period, it's not like we can do anything." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2012 21:59 - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend, when things got a little frisky and we started making out. It was my first time French-kissing, and apparently he has a very sensitive gag reflex, because the moment my tongue went in, he started retching, and vomited moments later. FML

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By loserllamalick - 7/10/2013 14:32 - United States - Rochester

Today, my boyfriend was rubbing my leg. He started laughing and said, "Babe, is this your leg, or am I petting Daisy?" Daisy is my dog. I need to shave. FML

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Top comments

By Jellysweetheart | 23

#6136299 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:02

Then you should report him. He didn't do what his job requires him to do.

By bethanyhopkins | 46

#6136311 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

Your boss sounds like a real-life Mr Krabs.

Comments

By Jellysweetheart | 23

#6136299 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:02

Then you should report him. He didn't do what his job requires him to do.

Reply

quickit | 24

#6136367 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:44

Chances are it'll backfire, also it depends on the rules and regulations of the specific job and state.

Reply

Futacy | 29

#6136377 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:54

Given it's Texas, there's a pretty good chance it will backfire. I have nothing against people from texas, but let's face it, the laws there don't even try to pretend that they protect the workers.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6136384 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:59

It's not a matter of law, it's a matter of company policy. OP would have to see how the company defines a bonus to decide if it's worth pursuing.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#6136752 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:38

Take a picture of the people with the plastic pos and send it to the corp. office thanking them.

Reply

thewife5 | 19

#6137553 - Sunday 7 December 2014 6:38

That would be awesome! I bet the manager is enjoying everyone's bonus. Smh

By RA91 | 26

#6136308 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

It sucks when managers are cheap and cut corners :/ sorry op.

By JadeWinter | 16

#6136310 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

What a selfish, money hungry prick!

By bethanyhopkins | 46

#6136311 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

Your boss sounds like a real-life Mr Krabs.

Reply

shaww | 28

#6136315 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:07

No mr krabs would make you pay him

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6136425 - Saturday 6 December 2014 3:13

He wouldn't buy plastic medals. Too expensive. Mr. Krabs would make his employees medals out of string and bottle caps.

Reply

val_is_lame97 | 12

#6136911 - Saturday 6 December 2014 17:26

Mr.Krabbs would probably give them a brochure of a place they cant go to.

By Googolman | 29

#6136314 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:07

If it's corporate policy, I don't think he's allowed to do that.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6136440 - Saturday 6 December 2014 3:49

he is allowed to buy enough...

By abattior | 18

#6136318 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:08

He probably took it for him self.

By kingcaper817 | 14

#6136320 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:09

Cheap bastard just quit you aren't going anywhere there

Reply

Fishin_for_Coins | 7

#6136362 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:40

She can get a raise if he gets fired though.Wouldn't that be worth it in the long run.

By Lazy_B_ | 11

#6136336 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:18

Dang OP i'm so sorry he can't get away this.

By R3TROxLOV3 | 32

#6136337 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:18

I'm sure that funds have been allocated for this situation, and if it's corporate policy for you to receive bonuses, your manager is obligated to provide those bonuses.

By tbro47 | 23

#6136340 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:22

Yea well I'm sure karma will catch up to him later when no one wants to put in the extra effort. He doesn't know much about human psychology apparently

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6136368 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:45

dont wait for karma. fire off a note to upper management or HR.