Work: Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not... - FML

By anon - United States - Georgetown

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

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There's no helping some people

Mondegreens

Sounds like a catch

By severedface - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. When I got there, I found out that the guy was a ventriloquist and was going to use his puppet to talk to me. FML

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By Peel - France

Today, when I left the restaurant, the very handsome waiter whom I had been trying to tune all night says to me, in front of everyone "But why did you write your number on the table with hearts next to it? You know, I won't call you!" FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, a guy I blocked online for sending me creepy messages showed up at my house. I have no idea how he found my address, or even my real name. FML

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By - United States

Today, my cousin got hired after six days of job-hunting. I graduated from university six months ago and haven't even scored a single interview; he's a deadbeat junkie who just got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Prince George

Naughty girl

Today, my mom found out that I got a tattoo two years ago. She got mad and spanked me. I'm 33 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 17:01

Creepy crawlies

Today, a friend of mine told me, after coming over to my house for years, that she has tiny "bugs" that are attached to her and follow her wherever she goes. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I wanted revenge on my college's drinks machine. For the past two days, it forgot to release a cup before pouring my coffee. This time, I had planned ahead; I put my money in, entered the code, and quickly inserted my own cup. It gave me hot water. FML

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By Tim - United States

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

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By dummy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky in bed. He mumbled something that sounded like "I love you." I replied "I love you too baby", to which he laughed then said, "I said I wanted you to blow me." FML

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By Kim - United States

Today, at work I had to convince an 80 year old mental patient that she's not Ke$ha and that she really has to put her clothes back on. FML

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By thisblows - United States

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

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By Grinsporked

Bankers!

Today, after talking to the bank, I'd have to take a pay cut to qualify for a home loan. I'm still confused. FML

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By trustyourfamily - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss bragged to a coworker, in front of me, about how much money he saved on a project because he majorly underpays me. My boss is my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a 24-hour taco shop, while he was wearing a tee-shirt that says "F*** Me I'm Famous." FML

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By coffee - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

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By FlyingFist - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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By izzie - Canada

Bad sex

Today, I had sex for the first time in months. His apology took longer than the sex did. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Knoxville

Today, my fiancé threatened to break up with me if our dog couldn't be the best man at our wedding. FML

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By tuppu - Finland

Today, waking up I noticed that my female boss had texted me during the night, telling me she wants me bad. I'm a woman, happily married to a man, and now have to turn her down somehow and not get fired in the process. FML

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By Wtf - Canada

Today, my doctor told me my asthma was being triggered by my dad's smoking. He wrote a note to my dad, asking him to refrain from smoking while around me. My dad took one look at the note, then threw it in the trash, saying the doctor "doesn't know what he's talking about." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the manager that hired me and worked for years to inspire and connect her staff was laid to rest. Hours before the funeral, her replacement told me he wanted my 2 weeks notice on his desk tonight. I've been a model employee, he just doesn't like me. FML

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By logic - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked by my live-in landlord not to put too much water in the kettle because it made the utility bills too high. This is the same woman who takes daily baths. FML

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By sucky sucky - 7/7/2020 14:01

Oh, hai Mark

Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML

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By

Someone else

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wheelers Hill

Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

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By ms98 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I was shopping when I suddenly slipped on the wet floor and my basket and my groceries were flung everywhere. Moments later, one of the cleaners walked over holding a "wet floor" sign, saw me and laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

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By arghgffhdfg - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mother screamed at my brother for ages for playing a Nicki Minaj music video. She said it's "terrible, demonic garbage" that'll get us "spitroasted in Hell". I don't even disagree with the first part, but she does this kind of thing every single day when I get home from my night job. FML

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By Penguinsuit

Today, I threw my clothes in the laundry and had only penguin pajamas to wear. My mother forgot to mention that she was expecting a handyman. Guess who got greeted by an adult woman in a penguin suit. FML

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By Ilovelife07

Today, I got pulled over heading home from college. My car was full of my stuff from moving out, and I couldn't reach the glove box. I told the cop this, and asked if he wanted me to go around to the passenger side to get my paperwork. He agreed. When I got out of the car, he pepper sprayed me. FML

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By dicedicebaby - United States - Columbus

Today, I had my 18th birthday party. At midnight, three police officers showed up at my door and asked if they could look around. Were we doing anything bad? Nope. My friends suck at parking. Before they left, the officers said that this was the most toned down party they'd seen in years. FML

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By daddyrobyn - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also happens to know my dad, Alan. Upon meeting said person, I let my social anxiety get the best of me and I greeted him by saying, "Hi! I'm your Alan!" FML

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By person - United States - League City

Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML

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By crushed - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother won't let me intern at a prestigious college, working with graduate students and professors, and being paid, because she doesn't want to drive me. FML

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By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Airy

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was put on academic suspension only to find out my professor entered my grade wrong. I lost my financial aid and have to explain to my parents why I’m not in college anymore. FML

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Top comments

By Jellysweetheart | 23

#6136299 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:02

Then you should report him. He didn't do what his job requires him to do.

By bethanyhopkins | 49

#6136311 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

Your boss sounds like a real-life Mr Krabs.

COMMENTS

By Jellysweetheart | 23

#6136299 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:02

Then you should report him. He didn't do what his job requires him to do.

Reply

quickit | 24

#6136367 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:44

Chances are it'll backfire, also it depends on the rules and regulations of the specific job and state.

Reply

Futacy | 29

#6136377 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:54

Given it's Texas, there's a pretty good chance it will backfire. I have nothing against people from texas, but let's face it, the laws there don't even try to pretend that they protect the workers.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6136384 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:59

It's not a matter of law, it's a matter of company policy. OP would have to see how the company defines a bonus to decide if it's worth pursuing.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#6136752 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:38

Take a picture of the people with the plastic pos and send it to the corp. office thanking them.

Reply

thewife5 | 19

#6137553 - Sunday 7 December 2014 6:38

That would be awesome! I bet the manager is enjoying everyone's bonus. Smh

By RA91 | 26

#6136308 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

It sucks when managers are cheap and cut corners :/ sorry op.

By JadeWinter | 16

#6136310 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

What a selfish, money hungry prick!

By bethanyhopkins | 49

#6136311 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

Your boss sounds like a real-life Mr Krabs.

Reply

shaww | 28

#6136315 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:07

No mr krabs would make you pay him

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6136425 - Saturday 6 December 2014 3:13

He wouldn't buy plastic medals. Too expensive. Mr. Krabs would make his employees medals out of string and bottle caps.

Reply

val_is_lame97 | 12

#6136911 - Saturday 6 December 2014 17:26

Mr.Krabbs would probably give them a brochure of a place they cant go to.

By Googolman | 29

#6136314 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:07

If it's corporate policy, I don't think he's allowed to do that.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6136440 - Saturday 6 December 2014 3:49

he is allowed to buy enough...

By abattior | 18

#6136318 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:08

He probably took it for him self.

By kingcaper817 | 14

#6136320 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:09

Cheap bastard just quit you aren't going anywhere there

Reply

Fishin_for_Coins | 7

#6136362 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:40

She can get a raise if he gets fired though.Wouldn't that be worth it in the long run.

By Lazy_B_ | 11

#6136336 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:18

Dang OP i'm so sorry he can't get away this.

By R3TROxLOV3 | 32

#6136337 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:18

I'm sure that funds have been allocated for this situation, and if it's corporate policy for you to receive bonuses, your manager is obligated to provide those bonuses.

By tbro47 | 23

#6136340 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:22

Yea well I'm sure karma will catch up to him later when no one wants to put in the extra effort. He doesn't know much about human psychology apparently

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6136368 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:45

dont wait for karma. fire off a note to upper management or HR.