Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not... - FML

By anon - United States - Georgetown

Today, my work department set a new sales record, something not done in nearly 30 years. It's corporate policy to give a bonus to each worker responsible as a reward. Our manager decided our "bonuses" would be plastic medals from Dollar Tree. He didn't even buy enough for everybody. FML

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Great guy

Blender time!

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, my sister came to stay with me in my apartment for the last few weeks of her difficult pregnancy. However she didn't tell me she was bringing her two dogs, her jackass of a husband, my bratty nephew and an inflatable kiddie pool so she could have a natural water birth in my living room. FML

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By Angela - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office. People kept staring at me and I couldn't figure out why. Later, I realized my sister's puppies had chewed a noticeable hole in my pants' crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished my SAT and was feeling pretty good about it. I decided to turn on my phone, since it was on silent. As the guy was collecting our tests, my phone vibrated a little. My score was cancelled. It was a text from my mom reminding me to turn off my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

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By BigBallah93 - China

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year old boss's new breast implants. FML

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By Anonymous - Chile

Today, I gave my boss the paperwork to approve my commissions for the month. She wouldn't sign it, saying, "Maybe I'm crazy, but I feel that I've signed this before." She hasn't. I have no commission, and my boss is crazy. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 02:00

Yummy, apple crumble!

Today, I accidentally cooked my new Apple Pencil. Being magnetic, it stuck to a baking tray that was put down on the table I’d been drawing at, and went in the oven. FML

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By Thai rice mistake - United States - Oakland

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking around town with the girl I have loved for four years and have been 100% faithful to. A girl thought it would be funny to approach me and pretend she was the girl I was seeing, and that I was cheating on her. My girlfriend believed her and broke up with me. FML

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By qwerty

Today, I found out my little sister took a picture of me taking a shit and showed it to her friends. FML

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By canispankthat - United States

Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML

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By belladonna - United States

Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML

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By fuckyoutoothen! - 22/7/2020 08:02

Nice victim blaming!

Today, I showed my friend all the dirty messages and dick pics her boyfriend had sent me. I included the ones of me telling him to stop. Instead of being mad at him, she flipped out on me, saying it’s my fault because I “dress too sexy” and he shouldn’t even have my number. He got it from her phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tuscaloosa

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

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By weddingblues - United States

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

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By mini matthylde - France - Nantes

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By Brunofk7 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work at the airport. I got called up to a plane's cargo hold, and thought I'd finally learn how to use the loader. Turns out they just needed me to weigh something down, effectively making me ballast. Then my boss told me to get the hell off, after which I hit my head hard climbing out. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

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By Miss Spasticator - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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By montanadinosaur - United States - Tampa

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

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By tacoboy27 - United States

Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML

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By shaunaaa - Australia

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

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By youdontknowmewhy - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

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By Wowseriously - United States

Dumpster Fire Boyfriend

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how hard it is to wash long hair. While I was talking, he interrupted and said, "Wait, you actually wash your hair?" FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

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By rink.attendant.6 - Canada - Dryden

Today, I saw my crush working the only open till at the grocery store. When she saw me approach her queue, she immediately called for more cashiers. FML

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By obese_chicken - Australia

Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML

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By M_Kclift1994 - United States

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

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By Tiana Scott

Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML

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By heretoserve - United States - Winchester

Today, I got yelled, screamed, and cursed at by a customer until I was reduced to tears. This was all because I double-checked to make sure she wanted large fries. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML

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Top comments

By Jellysweetheart | 23

#6136299 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:02

Then you should report him. He didn't do what his job requires him to do.

By bethanyhopkins | 48

#6136311 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

Your boss sounds like a real-life Mr Krabs.

COMMENTS

By Jellysweetheart | 23

#6136299 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:02

Then you should report him. He didn't do what his job requires him to do.

Reply

quickit | 24

#6136367 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:44

Chances are it'll backfire, also it depends on the rules and regulations of the specific job and state.

Reply

Futacy | 29

#6136377 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:54

Given it's Texas, there's a pretty good chance it will backfire. I have nothing against people from texas, but let's face it, the laws there don't even try to pretend that they protect the workers.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6136384 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:59

It's not a matter of law, it's a matter of company policy. OP would have to see how the company defines a bonus to decide if it's worth pursuing.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#6136752 - Saturday 6 December 2014 13:38

Take a picture of the people with the plastic pos and send it to the corp. office thanking them.

Reply

thewife5 | 19

#6137553 - Sunday 7 December 2014 6:38

That would be awesome! I bet the manager is enjoying everyone's bonus. Smh

By RA91 | 26

#6136308 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

It sucks when managers are cheap and cut corners :/ sorry op.

By JadeWinter | 16

#6136310 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

What a selfish, money hungry prick!

By bethanyhopkins | 48

#6136311 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:04

Your boss sounds like a real-life Mr Krabs.

Reply

shaww | 28

#6136315 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:07

No mr krabs would make you pay him

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6136425 - Saturday 6 December 2014 3:13

He wouldn't buy plastic medals. Too expensive. Mr. Krabs would make his employees medals out of string and bottle caps.

Reply

val_is_lame97 | 12

#6136911 - Saturday 6 December 2014 17:26

Mr.Krabbs would probably give them a brochure of a place they cant go to.

By Googolman | 29

#6136314 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:07

If it's corporate policy, I don't think he's allowed to do that.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6136440 - Saturday 6 December 2014 3:49

he is allowed to buy enough...

By abattior | 18

#6136318 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:08

He probably took it for him self.

By kingcaper817 | 14

#6136320 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:09

Cheap bastard just quit you aren't going anywhere there

Reply

Fishin_for_Coins | 7

#6136362 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:40

She can get a raise if he gets fired though.Wouldn't that be worth it in the long run.

By Lazy_B_ | 11

#6136336 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:18

Dang OP i'm so sorry he can't get away this.

By R3TROxLOV3 | 32

#6136337 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:18

I'm sure that funds have been allocated for this situation, and if it's corporate policy for you to receive bonuses, your manager is obligated to provide those bonuses.

By tbro47 | 23

#6136340 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:22

Yea well I'm sure karma will catch up to him later when no one wants to put in the extra effort. He doesn't know much about human psychology apparently

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6136368 - Saturday 6 December 2014 1:45

dont wait for karma. fire off a note to upper management or HR.