Love: Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 612

04/03/2009 05:15

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 745

You deserved it 7 625

Vulture

Triage

Leave us alone

27/02/2009 23:05

Today, my boss said he was giving me a significant raise. After he requested the payroll department to raise my salary they informed him he needed to fill out a one-sheet form. He took my raise away because he didn't want to fill out that sheet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 611

You deserved it 2 726

09/07/2012 11:44

Today, for my birthday, my family offered to take one of my friends to the movies with me. I had to pay a random person in my class to pose as a friend of mine, so that I wouldn't look pathetic in front of my parents. She forgot my name three times. They didn't buy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 377

You deserved it 25 066

16/01/2010 20:19

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 019

You deserved it 3 640

04/02/2009 10:56

Today, in biology class, I kept seeing a fly mosquito buzzing past my face and I kept trying to swat at it... only to realize that it was a ceiling sprinkler that was about 10 feet away. I have no depth perception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 328

You deserved it 17 947

17/05/2012 21:07

Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 779

You deserved it 3 099

10/10/2014 20:38

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 986

You deserved it 16 883

27/11/2009 04:26

Spicy

Today, I wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath. A wasp somehow got in, and stung me on the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 273

You deserved it 4 822

Kittens are everything

By Squanto - 16/08/2021 16:01

Today, I realized that since moving in with my boyfriend and adopting two kittens, I feel more alone than ever. He cuddles the kittens more than me, he doesn’t want to hang out with me at home anymore. Is this normal? FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 135

08/04/2013 08:30

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 182

You deserved it 5 546

23/09/2009 11:28

Today, I realized that my coach doesn't close the door and the blinds to perform half-naked body checks (to make sure his team is in shape) on anyone else but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 604

You deserved it 4 803

22/11/2013 14:49

Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 568

You deserved it 4 214

19/04/2012 07:34

Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 295

You deserved it 2 282

20/07/2009 21:32

Today, I took a big sniff of a flower in my garden. I spent the rest of the morning blowing little bugs out of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 771

You deserved it 18 256

06/02/2010 05:09

Today, my girlfriend of six months dumped me over the phone. I'm in the military and recently had to move away to another fort. We'd agreed that we would try to make long distance work. I'd even offered to buy a plane ticket to come see her each weekend. I've been gone less than two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 881

You deserved it 2 878

18/08/2011 04:02

Today, my family decided it would be hilarious to catch the biggest moths they could and let them loose in my room. I'm terrified of moths and they thought it would be 'funny as hell' to watch me freak out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 720

You deserved it 5 090

03/12/2012 01:57

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 030

You deserved it 3 268

Hard to bare

By Anonymous - 03/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 555

You deserved it 648

27/10/2010 10:04

Today, we surprised my grandpa by being at his house when he arrived. We haven't seen him in seven years. He had a small heart attack. It was his birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 071

You deserved it 8 031

18/10/2015 19:18

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 975

You deserved it 7 918

16/05/2012 07:36

Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 984

You deserved it 2 387

11/06/2011 11:12

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 016

You deserved it 7 802

24/08/2015 18:59

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 310

You deserved it 1 561

11/10/2011 03:34

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 794

You deserved it 5 990

11/12/2013 13:14

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 516

You deserved it 7 539

22/06/2013 05:01

Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 182

You deserved it 3 602

21/01/2009 01:08

Today, I sliced my arm open on the weekend, patched it with a fabric bandaid. Had an allergic reaction to the bandaid, arm now swollen, blistering and keeping-me-awake itchy. Pharmacist's advice? "Oooh, that looks bad. Better put a bandaid on that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 604

You deserved it 2 458

05/04/2009 04:17

Today, when my boyfriend reffered to my hair, I told him I was going to dye it. He responded by saying, "finally, so how much you going for, 40, maybe 50 pounds?". I said dye it, not diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 861

You deserved it 9 508

Grades go both ways

By tomandjerry - 21/05/2009 04:35

Today, I was scolding my 8 year-old son because he was getting bad grades in school. I told him that he should get straight "A"s like his friend Ceejay. He told me that comparing him to Ceejay was unfair. When I asked why, he said, "Because his dad is actually smart." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 895

You deserved it 66 399

12/02/2010 19:24

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 611

You deserved it 20 973

10/06/2012 07:46

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 535

You deserved it 10 060

19/07/2010 08:34

Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party. We were the hosts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 212

You deserved it 5 524

29/04/2012 18:31

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 181

You deserved it 2 982

19/08/2011 21:57

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 004

You deserved it 4 511

10/12/2016 02:38

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 556

You deserved it 748

Asshat

By Julissa - 25/02/2021 00:30

Today, I got a call from my husband, saying that he wants a divorce, he’s been seeing his colleague and that she’s more compatible to him. I’ve just given birth to out first child. He told me, "Aww, good luck with that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 729

You deserved it 96

22/12/2009 19:18

Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over me and the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 114

You deserved it 47 788

13/12/2015 04:40

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 634

You deserved it 5 788

Backseat drivers

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 10:00

Today, he’s the worst backseat driver ever: first he demands I drive more slowly, then when I swerve slightly because he startled me, he promptly admonishes me to stay in my lane. "He"? Well, he’s not actually a person. He’s my very high-tech rental car, who won’t shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 257

06/03/2016 16:50

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 596

You deserved it 1 546

16/12/2011 21:13

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 833

You deserved it 4 215

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:15

Tell her to keep the subscription as her wrinkled/dried up ass will have a tougher time finding someone who actually wants to hit that.... without a baseball bat that it.

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:13

Wow that sucks man, my condolences to you.

Comments

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:13

Wow that sucks man, my condolences to you.

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:15

Tell her to keep the subscription as her wrinkled/dried up ass will have a tougher time finding someone who actually wants to hit that.... without a baseball bat that it.

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Monday 8 February 2010 22:09

it's a present he might as well keep it

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Friday 22 November 2013 4:17

What a cunt I hope by now you found someone much better who truly loves you. Sorry you wasted your time with that bitch.

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Tuesday 18 April 2017 12:12

Keep it and find the love of your life and send her a picture of you happy and in love and thank her for the best birthday present ever.

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Tuesday 18 April 2017 12:12

Keep it and find the love of your life and send her a picture of you happy and in love and thank her for the best birthday present ever.

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:22

What a bitch. You deserve someone better.

jm88 0

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:30

I'm going to have to go with #2. You're still able to pull yourself together (if needed!), work out, feel tigther, all that stuff. It's all down hill for her saggy ass.

pwnman 33

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Saturday 2 November 2013 16:21

Where are you two going?

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:31

Oh hey man, happy birthday! And many more to come I hope. Without your nasty wife.

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:40

You could tell her that she gave you too much! Give her back the subscription and tell her that the divorce is enough! Getting your life back and getting rid of the trash is the best present ever! BTW what a bitch!!!

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 16:59

Could have been worse. Think of yourself as lucky, you deserve much better.

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 17:34

She could have at least gotten you an eHarmony account instead.

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 17:43

That's fucking brutal. My condolences.

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 17:48

Wow that sucks. She's evil!