Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML

Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML

Affection breakdown

Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML

Sensitive

Today, my wife is giving me the silent treatment and has locked herself in the bedroom, all because I politely asked her to put the dishcloth away when she was done with it. FML

Stir crazy, part 16

Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML

Sounds like a plan

Today, I was meal-planning for the week, and sent my fiancee a grocery list with the stuff I needed. She ignored the list and bought nothing but junk food. I guess we can just eat cookie dough and sugar cereal, and die of diabetes in our fifties. FML

You must be joking

Today, my new wife and I got home from our honeymoon, and not an hour later she'd sat me down for a talk, saying, "Now that you're married you've got to act the part and give up this silly nonsense," then banned me from seeing my friends, playing video games, and basically everything else I ever enjoyed. FML

Picky eater

Today, my wife doesn't like to cook. She doesn't like when I cook, because I enjoy cooking and she says I'm "making her feel guilty." She also doesn't want to order take out, as it's "a foolish waste of money." The fuck are we supposed to eat? FML

No fun allowed

Today, my wife has declared that, unless our son has finished his homework, I'm not to watch TV, play video games, read, use my phone, cook, or go outside, lest I "tempt him" to leave his work unfinished. Guess I'll just stare at the wall all afternoon. FML

Oooh, time for some Sweet and Sour King Prawn Balls

Today, in a serious bid to lose weight, I’ve changed my lifestyle, including throwing away the 20-odd takeaway menus we keep in the kitchen. It’s only been two hours and we’ve already had five new menus from local takeaways delivered through the letterbox. Why, Universe, why do you wish me to stay fat? FML