Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I just received the king-sized bed I'd ordered. My boyfriend moved out two days ago when we broke up. FML
Today, my new wife and I got home from our honeymoon, and not an hour later she'd sat me down for a talk, saying, "Now that you're married you've got to act the part and give up this silly nonsense," then banned me from seeing my friends, playing video games, and basically everything else I ever enjoyed. FML
Today, I got to sleep in the same bed as the love of my life...and her new boyfriend. FML
Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML
Today, I was washing the dishes when my wife came in wearing a new lingerie set, smiling at me. I dropped what I was doing and carried her to bed. After we'd finished, she went downstairs for a drink, saw the dishes I hadn't cleaned, and started a fight. Now I'm on the couch. FML
Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML
Today, my wife made me sleep on the couch because I ate the last Magnum Ice Cream bar. Last week, she bitched me out for singing too loud in the shower. I strongly regret leaving my ex-girlfriend of 5 years for this woman. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed, because apparently hers is "for sleeping only". FML
Today, I was dead tired and just wanted sleep, so I jumped into bed the second the day's chores were done. Of fucking course, this was the day my fiancée decided to end our eight-week dry spell and came in wearing sexy lingerie. I couldn't stay hard due to exhaustion, and now she's been crying. FML
Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML
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Top comments
Peaches1914 13
How about getting a mattress cover Or looking for some more interesting places to have relations in your home Be safe and creative
jphoenix151 8
return that shit then.
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Comments (21)
Laurea Lindroos 8
Maybe that last part is because you’re acting like a child over not eating or drinking in bed? 🤷♀️Asking you not to do that really isn’t that strange, because who’s the one having to clean it up, if we’re being realistic?
blueknight1st 26
Just means you can get kinky now and bang on the kitchen table or the counter tops.
kasmol 16
First thing, go take a huge dump in the middle of the new mattress. Then tell your wife that after that, a few wet spots will be no big deal.
Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15
well if she tries to pulls the. why did you stop being romantic card just point the bed and say say I wasn't given a choice
JasonThorn 24
"I agree only on the condition that we have sex EVERYWHERE ELSE in the house."