Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

1677

275

Today, my dad asked me to help him buy a laptop by searching online. He explicitly said, "When you have time." I decided to shower as I had just woken up. While showering, I was startled by loud banging and my dad angrily asking why I wasn't looking for his laptop. FML

Doomed

Spooky

TMI

By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 02:00

Impatience

1499

104

Today, so far, 3 of my employees have requested tomorrow off because of "emotional damage" due to Toys 'R' Us closing. FML

By Anonymous - 20/9/2017 20:00

Seems fair

3456

282

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 12:43 - United States

60707

4755

Today, while being high for the first time after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I called my dental assistant pretty before leaving, and then shouted, "I NEED TO POOP!" to the whole office. FML

By Madridsta - 28/6/2014 06:28 - United States - Rialto

43806

7798

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

By Rashbeard - 5/1/2020 01:00

Rash beard

1704

406

Today, as a priest's helper in church, I was giving Communion. It took me three people to realize that every time I was giving them the Eucharist, I was saying, "May the force be with you". FML

By sabz21 - 27/1/2014 04:37 - United States - Naugatuck

46047

14217

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

By Robert - 13/9/2013 01:11 - United States - Drummond Island

21042

52513

Today, my 21 year old boyfriend asked me what foreplay is. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 23:02 - United States

33370

5254

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

By sliceddice - 10/3/2010 16:08 - Denmark

39348

3714

Today, I made my mom a mix CD for her car. It took me ages to find just the right songs that would be perfect for her. When I played it for her in the car, she took it out and threw it out of the window. FML

By lovelikewoe - 11/7/2010 01:00 - United States

36562

5360

Today, I got fired from my dream job. I found out today that the girl who trained me lied and taught me how to do things wrong, so that when she got back from maternity leave, she could get me fired and take her job back. My new coworkers were in on her plan from the beginning. FML

By sabotaged - 2/11/2015 00:05 - United States - Oakland

30699

1546

Today, I walked in on a raccoon viciously tearing apart a giant bag of dog food, not five feet away from my sleeping dog. FML

By wtfkasey - 25/6/2015 05:30 - Canada - Dundas

26079

1972

Today, my ex, who I'm still in love with, emailed me. I thought she changed her mind about us, so I poured my heart out to her. She just wanted to let me know she has chlamydia, and advise me to go to the clinic. FML

By clinictime - 11/4/2012 23:05 - Canada - Okotoks

30389

4969

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

By pinks - 2/9/2009 02:17 - United States

37900

6664

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

By Sorry Not Sorry - 1/11/2016 14:01

9363

631

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2013 03:27 - United States - San Ramon

35796

3043

Today, I realized just how much of a bitch I am when I grounded my son for not telling me what he got me for my birthday. FML

By MeanMother - 28/6/2012 20:29 - United States - Saint Louis

7934

90917

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

By Mack - 9/9/2011 00:01 - Canada

34521

6110

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

By ugh - 28/4/2009 21:49 - Canada

20926

57358

Today, I started a new job. The hours are long, but I didn't mind as I could REALLY use the overtime. Turns out, they don't pay over time. I'm just expected to go "above and beyond for the company." FML

By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 16:00

TFI Friday

2203

191

Today, I was playing Xbox live with my boyfriend. I was bored so I decided to mess around. So I put down my remote and unbuttoned his pants. Two minutes in he said, "Hurry up, we're getting killed without you. Besides you're way better at video games." FML

By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 07:18 - Canada

77226

13245

Today, my mom told me she spent $760 on "quantum pendants" that "produce scalar energy that helps to enhance the body’s biofield." When I told her she got scammed, she denied it and yelled at me. Best part? She frequently lectures me about how I waste my money and spend irresponsibly. FML

By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 05:06 - Canada

67171

5126

Today, my boyfriend told me that he loved me for the first time in a way I'll never forget. In fact, his exact words were, "You're not the only one that I love." FML

By Maddii1112 - 10/8/2016 19:28 - United States

14467

1086

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

By Drafrica - 13/10/2014 10:20 - South Africa

40583

5736

Today, I discovered my 10 month old is terrified of my laugh. Every time I start to laugh, she screams in terror. It's getting depressing. FML

By easily amused - 12/10/2013 05:40 - United States

49906

4432

Today, I received some new snow boots I had ordered online. When I opened the package there was only one boot in the box. FML

By dedeanne08 - 12/12/2016 01:18 - United States - Newark

8505

577

Today, I went to dinner at my parents' house. I was going to surprise them by introducing them to my new boyfriend. They decided to surprise me too, by inviting my ex to the dinner. Everyone was surprised tonight. FML

By Michelle - 6/12/2014 03:35 - United States - Abingdon

39606

3007

Today, I got mugged by a guy who was threatening me with a stapler. FML

By StaplerScared - 8/11/2011 14:39 - Canada

32172

8886

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

By achoooo - 7/11/2009 05:34 - United States

35305

2902

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

By Alyssa - 13/2/2012 00:01 - United States

11752

82491

Today, I received an e-mail from the girls at work. It was an invite to lunch but it said, "Lunch today at Camber's, PLEASE don't tell Francoise, I don't think any of us can take any more of her!" I'm Francoise. FML

By Francoise3 - 18/3/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

86828

19360

Today, I learned from my father that all I had to do was eat right and exercise and I would be bipolar free. Gee, why hadn't I thought of that yet? FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 23:00

Wow thanks, I'm cured

1587

139

Today, I was trying to convince my boyfriend that I am NOT a dumb blonde. After screaming at the top of my lungs, I tripped over a bin and hit my head on a wall. FML

By blondie - 24/3/2009 23:10 - Australia

22975

87924

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

By masterdisaster - 11/4/2009 04:07 - United States

46664

19452

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

By Liz0352 - 8/11/2018 04:30 - United States - Bainbridge Island

2836

261

Today, I came home from work and found my sister using my vibrator in my own bed. FML

By Anonymous - 14/5/2019 06:00

2586

201

Today, after 2 years and 5 months, my boyfriend finally found my clitoris. FML

By Lonile13 - 7/9/2016 03:28 - Philippines

18038

5331

Today, I applied for my first job. I didn't know how to write a resume, so I copied and pasted one from someone else and reworked it. I got on the bus, handed it in, and left. Then I remembered I forgot to change the contact info and date. FML

By captainfail - 14/7/2009 15:27 - Germany

8610

74818

Today, I decided to treat my yeast infection over the counter to avoid going to the doctor. Too bad I didn't read the directions. Now I have to go to the doctor to get the tip of the applicator removed. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 18:21 - United States

7721

38820

Today, I found out that absentmindedly correcting my boss' use of the word "whom" could result in my immediate termination. FML

By LuckyLoser9 - 3/11/2011 15:44 - United States

29679

8955