Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

1686

276

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

And today, on Dr Phil…

Commando

Dangling modifier

By Anonymous

ur mom gay

4189

677

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

By Morgan Jones

1455

373

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

By phonesage - United States

Catfished

45542

10421

Today, I fainted and woke up in a hospital. My mom drove me to the emergency room. The doctor said I had a panic attack. What did I have a panic attack from? Bidding on eBay. FML

By graospe - United States

12490

30848

Today, for my family, my most impressive quality is I can make spaghetti and meatballs. FML

By Balls - Australia - Abbotsford

3360

512

Today, I think my cat is getting high. Whenever she finds her drug of choice, she sniffs it, then rolls around in it, purring ecstatically. Typical catnip reaction, right? Wrong. It’s my dirty underwear she's into. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 17:01 - Germany - Zittau

Baby's high

716

118

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

By familyofpsychos - United States - Elkhorn

29330

2330

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

By Jay - Germany

28150

42921

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

By CaoiiBieber - Ireland

20184

38752

Today, I got marked down in a performance review for not being able to keep my relationship with a coworker a permanent secret. I think if her engagement ring hadn't given it away, eventually the baby bump would've. FML

By mustanggt - United States - Utica

Scandalous!

2768

406

Today, I went to pull a nose hair out, only to end up pulling a spider out by its legs. FML

By That1FamousWRX - 7/2/2021 05:01 - United States

Whatcha doin' up there?

1082

Today, I had an old man yell in my face because the boxes in our store only had Spanish words on them. I spent 15 minutes apologizing and trying to explain that the English was on the back side. He stormed out before I could even show him. FML

By Smittynumerouno - United States - Amarillo

10673

904

Today, I went to a movie with my boyfriend. In the lobby, I asked why the glasses were not working. I said, "Do they only work inside the theater?" My boyfriend replied, "3-D glasses just work inside the movie, everything else in the World is pretty much 3-D." FML

By Noname - United States

13406

134685

Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML

By getoffthephone - United Kingdom

19681

26134

Today, I saw a group of attractive guys at the mall. One of them looked exactly like a friend, so I decided to take a picture. Trying to be discreet, I put my phone up to my ear as if I was making a phone call, and pressed the capture button. The flash went off. FML

By Anonymous - United States

9486

46569

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

By Christina - Canada

16734

49640

Today, I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend, who held me and promised it'd be all right, and he'd never leave me. One sandwich later, he'd forgotten about the whole thing, and dumped me when I reminded him. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

42031

5981

Today, I berated my five-year-old nephew for peeing on the floor. His mom bitched me out for expecting "a little boy to have perfect aim." That's funny, it looked pretty good when he dropped his pants, looked me in the eyes, and started to piss on my rug. FML

By AuntPeePee - United States

52345

3538

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

By justwantingtohelp - United States - Highland

57491

3407

Today, my fiancé and I appeared in the paper for obtaining our marriage license. In the same column half way down his parents appeared for filing their marriage dissolution petition. FML

By Queen_Dread - United States - Ocean Park

22517

1985

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

By iltdtsm - Canada

48123

3233

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30791

9455

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was missing. After speaking to the police for 3 hours, I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened. She then told me I had parked on the street the night before. So much for the 8 am final. FML

By nofinal - United States

8274

30486

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

By single pringle - United States - Morristown

41803

4406

Today, my not-quite-potty-trained toddler niece had a 'wee accident' in my bed. I used towels to mop it up and changed the sheets. Later, I had the bright idea to dry it faster by turning the electric blanket on high. Now my room smells like burned urine. FML

By Anonymous

2891

6373

Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

By Cold - United States - Richmond

36325

3811

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

By Eodowoiono - United States - Cedar Rapids

49209

4577

Today, I was walking to my car tonight when I saw a large man walking behind me, I hurried to open my car as he was approaching quickly, my door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. It was then I noticed it wasnt even my car. As I walked away from the other car, he walked up and unlocked the door. FML

By Fantastic - United States

12086

48645

Today, I regret that break we took. I thought it would lead him to realize that he wanted to stop cheating and flirting with other girls and be with only me forever. Now I'm the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML

By Celina - United States

9490

40485

Today, my six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

By abby181 - United States

34022

3487

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

By stillavirgin - Canada

23115

5896

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

By fuckmyliiiiiiife - United States

44342

25895

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Cary

20517

1217

Today, it was my 17th birthday. My mom forgot and my best friend is out of town. The highlight of my day? The guy at McDonalds slipped an extra apple pie in my bag. FML

By Anonymous - United States

41751

3154

Today, the guy I like happened to be munching on biscuits while he was talking to me. The biscuit crumbs were literally falling out of his mouth like a waterfall as he was speaking and munching. The crumbs were landing in my hair. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

And you like him why exactly?

1463

246

Today, I found out that whenever my best friend used to say she wanted to do my dad, she wasn't kidding. She accomplished her mission in my bed after school. FML

By fmlskank93 - Australia

58574

4593

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

By lunarstrain - United Kingdom

48955

8501

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

By unsatisfying - Australia

Countdown

26384

15501

Today, my ex-girlfriend was supposed to pick up her things. I decided to take a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with two police officers hammering on my door. They'd come to get my ex-girlfriend's things and said they were "watching me." That's the last time I date a cop's daughter. FML

By Chris - United States - Lakewood

27451

3470

Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML

By Morganisoverrated

2905

332