Today, my son bought me some Slimfast for my birthday. FML

1667

273

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

Dad jokes, part 43884

Business savvy

Trust

By edwinduarte1 - 13/9/2010 06:49 - France

30087

3285

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

10197

556

Today, I got an angry text from a random number calling me a lying piece of shit. I then realized that was the first person to text me in weeks. I ended up having a fake argument with someone because I was so lonely. FML

By inappropes - 10/8/2017 16:00

3602

541

Today, my daughter wore my favorite Christmas sweater to an ugly sweater party. FML

By Saduglydad - 12/12/2012 16:05 - United States - Houston

25757

9575

Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML

By (not) fucked - 16/5/2014 16:01 - United States - Kingsville

59531

8207

Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend's car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out and bitched at me, because I "could have dented the chassis". FML

By username - 31/7/2011 22:19 - United States

38394

16417

Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML

By anonymous - 5/4/2011 18:13 - United States

38839

3548

Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML

By Ggirl - 1/10/2013 19:41 - United States - Camarillo

64343

15301

Today, my girlfriend and I were in my basement. I play drums and guitar very well. My girlfriend bet me $50 that she could play better than me. I made the bet, but what I didn't know was that she had been taking both drum and guitar lessons since she was 5. I just lost $50. FML

By unknown - 31/1/2010 06:54 - France

9520

46013

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

By Anonymous - 17/6/2015 14:12 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

39817

3050

Today, like most days, my cat tried to wake me up with a gentle, fluffy paw pat on my nose. This morning, however, he managed to get his claw caught inside my nostril. FML

By JackNicholsonInChinatown - 25/10/2016 02:58

9424

851

Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the back seat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML

By Notadrinkanddriveidiot - 7/12/2011 14:46 - United States

15613

46882

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

By lights on forever - 2/8/2013 20:57 - Turkey - Istanbul

54775

9156

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 17:00

Outdoorsy romance

1561

608

Today, I went to the gym with two of my friends expecting to pay a guest fee but the cute guy working at the front desk let me in for free. On the way out after working out I started to flirt with him and he said "Don't flatter yourself, I just let you in because I'm lazy." FML

By sarah_sad - 25/3/2009 01:48 - United States

70528

16669

Today, I went to pick up my little brother from his friend's house. When I got there, he ran off screaming that he didn't know me. His friend's parents believed him. FML

By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 13:07 - United States

46841

3226

Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

By dumbAssCollegeStudent - 4/3/2016 00:22 - United States - Milwaukee

10522

21821

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another, and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walks in. After a long, awkward pause, she says "I like your socks" and walks out. She is a teacher at my highschool. I have to see her everyday. FML

By mjayne17 - 21/3/2009 19:04 - Canada

51906

22192

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

By 12incher - 15/3/2009 04:45 - United States

83368

42562

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

By nthor - 11/3/2009 18:05 - United States

14643

140811

Today, my boyfriend started freaking out about how his penis floats in water. Baths with him will never be the same again. FML

By bathtime - 21/12/2011 04:32 - United States

30777

4179

Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2018 18:30 - United States - Compton

1493

3044

Today, I had to get two teenagers to stop playing bumper cars with the electric scooters at the grocery store I work at. I'm seventeen, and they don't pay me enough for this. FML

By pat3212 - 11/8/2016 22:56 - Canada - Toronto

14350

1326

Today, after two years of hard work, I finished writing my novel dedicated to my father. I timed everything so that the paperback would arrive at his house just before Christmas, then I booked a flight to surprise him so I could see his reaction in person. He just texted me, my mom told him. FML

By - 18/12/2018 12:00

3103

Phew, glad it wasn't me

220

Today, I found my beloved hamster dead in her cage. Later that day, my boyfriend told me he already noticed that she was dead last night, but did not feel like telling me because he was afraid I wouldn't feel like doing it anymore that night. FML

By cinderella - 27/9/2010 14:47 - Netherlands

33256

4449

Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

By - 9/1/2017 20:30

5934

489

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

By ditched?? - 6/8/2010 09:05 - United States

49164

5680

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

By reallyman__639 - 13/12/2011 12:26 - United States

30440

17449

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 03:43 - United States

58498

7517

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

By Anonymous - 5/9/2011 10:59 - United Kingdom

44722

3178

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

By damn cats - 12/8/2018 22:00

2309

297

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

By well okay then - 20/5/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

53164

4645

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

By Anonymous - 6/4/2014 19:37

50631

3490

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

By StretchNuts - 11/3/2010 12:50 - United States

22276

4712

Today, I dozed off during a lecture. When I woke up, I didn't recognize any of the people surrounding me, and I saw one guy pointing and laughing at me. It turns out, my professor instructed everyone to let me sleep because he wanted to see how long it would be before I woke up. I was asleep three hours. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 20:05 - United States

12007

34093

Today, my mom introduced me to everyone we met as her "special needs child." They all seemed to believe her. FML

By BDSarah - 17/9/2019 16:00

Special

1471

111

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

By anonymous - 30/1/2018 06:00

5211

479

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

By not telling you my name - 7/8/2015 15:16 - United States - Elkhart

23545

5732

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML

By mollyeyers - 22/8/2010 17:02 - United Kingdom

38796

3492

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

By PC Jones - 20/9/2011 14:56 - Australia

42313

3184