By Anonymous - 1/2/2021 05:00

Egg mode

Today, my house cleaner discovered I cross-dress as she was cleaning. She found the pretty nightgowns I wear to bed and other items. Now she wants extra money or she will make my cross dressing public. FML

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Money

Incognito browsing

Boom, headshot

Get the message, dude

By habassistant - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By blah - United States

Today, my daughter decided to come out to me by leaving a browser window open with the results page of an online "Are you lesbian?" quiz. FML

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By honeybunny - United States - Norman

Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant and my husband has taken great glee in the fact that his horrible gas is enough to trigger my morning sickness. We're about to go on a long 12 hour drive. FML

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By Nate - United States

Today, we watched a movie in class. Afterwards, the professor asked us what we thought. I raised my hand and said it was pretentious, dull and a really poor example of filmmaking. It was the movie HE spent five years writing and directing. FML

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By keyless - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, late for work, I called my dad to see if he knew where my keys were. Turns out he'd taken them on holiday with him because they have a bottle opener on them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

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By malloreigh - Australia

Today, I was eating a meatball sub when a meatball fell out and rolled into my hair and all down my shirt. I couldn't find the missing meatball anywhere. I found it later, in my handbag. FML

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By therevsev - United States

Today, I realized that it has been so long since my wife and I were intimate that I got slightly turned on watching her suck the meat off chicken wings. I'm jealous of fried, sauce-soaked poultry. FML

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By HighasaCloud

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished the first month of a diet and exercise program designed to help me lose weight. To keep myself motivated, I have avoided the scale the entire time. I weighed myself today. I've gained 6 pounds. FML

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By gingerbetty - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. I've been secretly taking Welsh lessons as a surprise for him, so when I was getting close, I whispered the Welsh for "Don't stop." He pulled out and accused me of cheating on him with his best friend. He won't believe anything else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the "pimples" on my back weren't pimples at all. Because I was unable to see how bad they were for the last week, I never caught on to the fact the they were, in fact, ticks. FML

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By babydoll13211 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

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By axewoman

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend of 2 weeks home to meet my mom and she started talking about how she really wants a lot of grand-kids. He called 2 hours later and broke up with me. FML

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By noooooo - United States - Bainbridge

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

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20899

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By Zahkrii

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bath room, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

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2662

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By kjirut - Norway

Today, I realized that the only thing I learned from my first serious relationship was how to fake an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

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By Tara115 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't think he should marry me, because I have kids. They're his kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned it's not a good idea to answer your phone with "F*** off!" just because you're having a bad day. It could just be your pastor on the other end. FML

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By chunky monkey - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half informed me that he had "accepted" my stomach, even though it didn't conform to his "preference" for a flat stomach. He then added that his acceptance doesn't extend to my "chunky thighs". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 20:01 - Germany - Hörth

No justice

Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking to bed in fancy panties and a tight black tank top. My husband exclaimed, "This is the best part about being a grown up!" He was talking about the ice cream he was eating in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nashville

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought a car off my aunt, then I got 7 speeding tickets. Apparently my aunt forgot to tell me the speedometer is faulty, so while I thought I was doing a safe 28 or 29 mph in the 30 zone on my way to work, I was probably doing closer to 35 or 36. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

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By m - United States - South Whitley

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

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By everfresh - Finland

Today, my boyfriend thought the garbage can in our kitchen smelled bad. Instead of cleaning it, he had it equipped with a Wunderbaum. Our entire house now smells like "New Car". FML

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By Bito - France

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bliss

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

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By badessaymyass - United States - Phoenix

Today, I had my teacher look over my essay before turning it in. He said it was extremely well-written, so I handed it in. When I got it back, the feedback he left said it was one of the worst essays he'd ever read. FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By can’t nerd right - 4/8/2020 02:02

Insane parents

Today, I was wondering why the new book series I'd ordered hadn’t arrived. I ordered new books because my mom constantly bitched at me about being on the internet too often. She took my laptop away to "teach me a lesson". Only I need my laptop to get the confirmation number to track my books. FML

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1302

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By wellthen - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was at a rodeo warming up while my mom unnecessarily bragged about my training skills to a client. My horse then threw me into a gate at a full gallop, in front of everyone. That was the first time he'd ever misbehaved. FML

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11215

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By BurnedDown - United Kingdom - Bridlington

Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML

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By anonymous - United States - North Hollywood

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got a hold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible". He was referring to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

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By poorchild - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

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Top comments

By Regis Bent | 7

#7968230 - Saturday 30 January 2021 20:41

Don't pay her extra, if she does tell anyone, hide the nightgowns and sue her for slander, you shouldn't be ashamed for you being you

By Shamal Chandra | 6

#7968490 - Monday 1 February 2021 6:34

that's called extortion/blackmail and its illegal

COMMENTS

By Regis Bent | 7

#7968230 - Saturday 30 January 2021 20:41

Don't pay her extra, if she does tell anyone, hide the nightgowns and sue her for slander, you shouldn't be ashamed for you being you

kfchicken_fml | 28

#7968508 - Monday 1 February 2021 8:59

or just get some kind of proof and take her to court for blackmail

seductivesoup2 | 5

#7968685 - Tuesday 2 February 2021 3:41

Or don't even hid the nightgowns, tell her to kick rocks and you'll have her charged with blackmail. It's your word against hers

By rainbowdonnareed | 15

#7968486 - Monday 1 February 2021 5:43

Thats called a hate crime!

By Shamal Chandra | 6

#7968490 - Monday 1 February 2021 6:34

that's called extortion/blackmail and its illegal

By alex_jaguara | 29

#7968497 - Monday 1 February 2021 7:35

You can say they are for your mom/sister/girlfriend when they visit.

By jc1015 | 23

#7968498 - Monday 1 February 2021 7:38

it's called fire her and don't pay her at all...then have her arrested for blackmail/extortion and also sue her for slander

By mccuish | 18

#7968509 - Monday 1 February 2021 9:04

Blackmailing is illegal

By Ellimac21 | 11

#7968524 - Monday 1 February 2021 11:17

Don't do that, don't pay her extra. If you pay her now, she'll ask for more later. Like someone said, hide the nightgowns and sue her if she tells anyone. In any case, fire her.

By OrySoma | 9

#7968530 - Monday 1 February 2021 11:45

why wouldn't you just say it belongs to your lady friends

By fireblazes | 9

#7968586 - Monday 1 February 2021 17:03

Fire her and call the cops

By Chazzster | 20

#7968598 - Monday 1 February 2021 18:42

Fire her. It’s the only way to end it. Then if she says anything just tell people you did it because she was stealing and now she’s retaliating against you.