Intimacy: Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap...

By anonymous - 09/09/2013 20:16 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 745

You deserved it 6 830

Intimacy

Triage

Batman

Fill her up

By bestiality? do I look like a pig? - 26/05/2013 20:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I borrowed my boyfriend's laptop. Out of curiosity, I clicked through the bookmarks in his web browser. One of them took me to a site dedicated to sex stories featuring characters from My Little Pony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 135

You deserved it 18 293

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 14:22 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a friend who I hadn't seen in a while offered to give me a ride. I didn't really know how to give directions to my house, so when we had been driving for a while and it was getting awkward, I just pointed at a random house and pretended to live there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 639

You deserved it 39 258

By CaddyWhack - 18/11/2016 20:57

Today, after a couple of months of enjoying an informal parking arrangement with a local bank, I found out they sold their extra lot without telling me. The new owner's towing company heard about the deal, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 423

You deserved it 766

By GiveADogABone - 15/10/2015 22:47 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 920

You deserved it 3 478

By anonymous - 08/06/2011 16:47 - United States

Today, while in class, I desperately had to fart. Someone in the room had a coughing fit, so I took that as the chance to let it out. When I was about to release, the coughing stopped. I couldn't stop in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 610

You deserved it 43 406

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

By Karma - 15/03/2017 02:00

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 632

You deserved it 7 055

By Ow - 18/04/2014 11:09 - United States - Golden Valley

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 450

You deserved it 59 648

By smellynelly - 17/05/2015 16:13 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out the reason my co-workers have been giving me gum every day is not because of their generosity, but because everyone in the office thinks my breath smells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 819

You deserved it 11 343

School's out

By Ray Mundo - 18/07/2021 16:01

Today, I was at my school's choir concert, sitting in the audience with some people I had classes with. A guy with a really long beard walked in and I pointed him out to the guy next to me, saying, "Get a load of Duck Dynasty." He replied, "Yeah, that's my dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 1 297

By rokkstarrrVRV - 28/12/2013 08:42 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took a girl on a date. Her and her imaginary friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 217

You deserved it 5 150

By tacoboy - 21/08/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 109

You deserved it 6 551

Well Well Well

By no good deed... etc - 16/10/2017 04:30

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 879

You deserved it 379

By GladYoureConcerned - 30/12/2014 18:15 - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 555

You deserved it 4 236

By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, I convinced my teacher to let me resit a very important test I failed. I got a lower score the second time around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 528

You deserved it 35 779

By Nyquilwtf - 23/09/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I learned that Nyquil has such an amazing effect on me, that it won't even allow me to wake up to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 846

You deserved it 2 506

By Anonymous - 13/08/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 217

You deserved it 55 951

By Ella - 29/05/2012 05:14 - United States

Today, I went on a 7-hour plane flight. For 3 hours I had a bloody nose. When it finally stopped, I sneezed. It started to bleed again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 470

You deserved it 2 106

By Jayman223 - 10/02/2017 09:00 - United States - Reno

Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 678

You deserved it 1 130

It's the thought that counts…

By Charlatan126 - 03/02/2021 05:00 - United States - Hilliard

Today, I finally had a man say, "I love you" to me in a sincere tone. It was a customer, who was high, over the phone. I said it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 126

Denied

By Josie Stiger - 19/03/2020 05:00

Today, I wrote out a note to the guy I liked. I went to hand it to him, but he said, "Sorry, that's not mine," and walked away. I was so nervous, I couldn't speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 256

By fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck - 13/07/2013 17:33 - United States - Enfield

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 230

You deserved it 4 131

By Anonymous - 25/07/2012 01:37 - United States - Solon Springs

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 352

You deserved it 2 250

That's hard

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 04:01

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend presented me with his cock with a ribbon on it. Basically, HE wanted sex for MY birthday and had the nerve to accuse me of being ungrateful. For his birthday last month, I gave him multiple Xbox games. He couldn’t even be bothered to get me flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 202

Nailed it

By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 019

You deserved it 12 854

Economic abuse

By whyme - 16/05/2021 20:01

Today, I got my first tattoo. I felt good about it, until I told my mom, who was not happy. She responded by taking me out of her car insurance policy, family plan, and charging me for rent every month since I, "wanna be all grown up now.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 618

By Celeste - 02/03/2010 09:14 - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 552

You deserved it 3 240

By this guy - 21/11/2013 05:27 - United States - Alhambra

Today, I got rejected by a girl I wasn't even trying to ask out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 369

You deserved it 4 149

By Anonymous - 30/09/2013 10:30 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I was in a public bathroom with the runs when I noticed my stall didn't have any toilet paper. I was the only one in the bathroom, and I thought I could make it to the stall next to me and grab some with my pants down. I wasn't actually the only one in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 523

You deserved it 9 132

He's a very naughty boy

By Anonymous - 29/03/2020 08:00

Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 603

You deserved it 173

By toyotasmash - 07/10/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, my sister and I got into an argument at a tennis court which ended up with her trying to run me over in the parking lot. I stepped to the side and hit her door, denting it. My parents expect me to pay for the damage caused by my sister trying to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 724

You deserved it 3 530

By kittydead - 29/01/2009 01:05 - Canada

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 913

You deserved it 37 112

By Anonymous - 30/09/2014 23:42 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was taking a table's order. After I finished, the guy told me, "Just FYI, I'm not a tipper." Trying to lighten up the situation, I replied, "It's amazing how many people forget I handle their food." He complained to the manager that I'd threatened him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 526

You deserved it 10 073

By Anonymous - 01/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 512

You deserved it 2 701

By Anonymous - 05/01/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, my biology teacher assigned us partners for a project. I got paired up with one of the smartest kids in the class. When he found out I was his partner, he cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 213

You deserved it 8 884

That's not a child, that's a bio-hazard!

By Anonymous - 08/01/2018 09:00 - United States - Thomasville

Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 715

You deserved it 780

By thecarisfine - 14/03/2015 04:27 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while on a date, I desperately let out a stealth fart in my date's car. I didn't have the nerve to own up to it, even as he started panicking and thinking the smell was coming from his engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 839

You deserved it 8 302

Well deserved break

By KarmaComeBack - 18/05/2021 17:01

Today, my brother told me that wanting a break by having one evening away from my son makes me look like a really bad mother. My son is three and hasn't been babysat since he was an infant, and I've been a single mum for the last 8 months. I just wanted some time to recharge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 426

You deserved it 101

The Destroyer

By mr_p - 03/12/2010 15:30 - United States

Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300-pound man walked out, shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 155

You deserved it 3 609

See ya!

By inefficiencies - 02/02/2021 05:10

Today, I was supposed to have a hospital appointment I've been waiting three months for, but they changed it to a phone call. The call consisted of the consultant asking questions and saying, "Yes, I see that in your notes", before concluding I need to a physical appointment and booking one… for three months' time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 46

By Badday - 23/11/2017 19:00

Today, I received a call from a company attempting to steal me away. Flattered, I told them I liked my job and the answer was no. When I told my boss, he said they're thinking about laying me off and I should've taken the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 421

You deserved it 376

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Top comments

vrossie_ 15

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:03

Well, at least you made her laugh! Right?

slooby_fml 25

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:03

She's just preparing you for what a child will be like

vrossie_ 15

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:03

Well, at least you made her laugh! Right?

Gingerette 8

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:39

Damn straight. That is so much better than incurring the wrath of a woman with child.

Aky0n 10

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:46

At least it wasn't a rhino, right?

Caitie_kid 8

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 2:11

Hey, it happens! I thought my water broke at one point and my husband rushed me in (I was only 28 weeks at the time). Nope. Just peed on the floor. Lol, lovely that my little dude found just the right position to press on that nerve and make me pee.

br00kr 22

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 2:23

@49. Lol. Long story that I don't even want to go into on why i got pregnant. (Wasn't my choce long story short rape) but my baby never did that. He is two months now

Caitie_kid 8

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 2:38

Sorry about your circumstances in getting pregnant 51 :-/. I'm glad that you could find happiness in your little one though

Little4Bear 10

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 3:08

She didn't laugh till she peed, she peed then she laughed. Haha :)

mFUNdo21 17

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 6:14

no, she was laughing AND peeing at the same time

ajnorma 16

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:03

I would have laughed if I was her..

SumBur 11

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 1:19

She did laugh.

1PersonIsMyWorld 22

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 5:26

ya op is a good husband...very sweet.

slooby_fml 25

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:03

She's just preparing you for what a child will be like

Little4Bear 10

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 3:06

You gotta admit, this FML is kind of cute in a way.. Congratulations on the child-to-come OP :)!

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Wednesday 11 September 2013 3:00

True. My (female) cousin's son sat on her, started giggling, and goes, "I peed on you mommy."

sdela79 2

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:03

Well that's gotta suck..

Uramonkey 11

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:09

Yeah her husband must have been totally pissed... on ;).

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 1:15

You guys act like a pregnant woman never pissed on you. What kind of life are you two living that you've never been pissed on? I remember back in my hay day I was pissed on by 5 girls all at the same time. Whew, those were the good days..

queerdragon 20

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 3:13

Five girls? Wow, its not a Sunday morning if I am not pissed on by ten men and a hobo.

olpally 32

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 0:03

Well, you're a good husband.

Caitie_kid 8

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 2:14

Odds are it's a man.

Spider_Web 11

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 3:14

It's hard to get a woman pregnant if you're also a woman

SlapAndTickle 20

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 3:37

#60 It could be a lesbian couple who wanted a child and went to get artificial insemination or had a stud do the job for them.

olpally 32

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Tuesday 10 September 2013 4:09

Either way, a guy's sperm impregnated op's wife. What's the big deal? Lol. Women can't impregnate other women... As far as I know. Haha. I Can't believe I had to explain this. Thank you slapandtickle, someone with common sense and a brain.