Miscellaneous: Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched,... - FML

By annoying - United States

Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML

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Understandable

Taking stock

Seize the means of production

By homewrecker - United States

Today, I woke up from a night of crazy drunken sex with a guy I had met at a friends 23rd birthday party. The lights had been off when we had stumbled in to his house the night before. When I opened my eyes today, the first thing I saw was his family picture, complete with his wife and son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

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By stanDman - Canada

Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

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By nikki - United States

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

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By Bree

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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By Travellingluck

Today, after a week of severe gastroenteritis that required a hospital stay, I was finally feeling well enough to go in the pool at our holiday resort. My fiance slipped on the edge of the pool and we're back in the hospital. Happy vacation! FML

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By Court - United States

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

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By frustrated - Ireland - Killarney

Today, after a long and stressful day, I started fooling around with my boyfriend. When we finally got to the main event, I found out that we couldn't, because he'd used all his condoms to make water balloons. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, it was the last day of school, and I said goodbye to one of my students. She then told me how to correctly pronounce her name. I'd said it wrong all year. FML

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By CoffeeStained - United States - Richmond

Today, I set my cup of coffee down on the stall floor to take care of my business. A hand reached under the stall door and took my coffee. I yelled to give it back, calling them obscene names. Moments later, my fresh coffee came flying over the door. I'm burned from my head to my legs. FML

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By jwz - Netherlands

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML

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By sexisdead

Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML

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By The Cat Tickler

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

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By ... - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that fist pumping during sex is not romantic. FML

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By shannon - 2/4/2021 20:59

Who are you?

Today, I asked my coworker for her name. She screamed at me because apparently I'd already asked her 5 times before. I have no memory of any of it. FML

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By unwilling redneck - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

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By barebackingit - Canada - Kanata

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

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By Shampoodle

Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML

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By norestforthewicked - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By mcfatty - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 14:02

Let it out

Today, I know it’s pathetic to cry after sex, so you can imagine how pathetic I feel when I cry after masturbating, because cleaning my vibrator afterwards just reminds me how long it’s been since I had a man, and how lonely I am. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Fredericia

Today, my husband quit his stable job of 12 years at the bank to pursue a career selling kites. If we don't end up homeless because of this, god knows we will when he has a real mid-life crisis. FML

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By SadAndDeaf

Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walks into my room, with a serious look on her face asks me "When a man is getting it from behind, the man on top orgasms, but what happens to the man on bottom? Do you think he takes care of himself or what?" Hand motions were included. FML

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By ugh - United States - Milford

Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML

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By Clumsy

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

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By anonymous neighbor - United States

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

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By ilana - United States

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

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By idonthavelice - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 02:00

Boring FML

Today, my wife of seven years told me she wants a divorce because I'm boring. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was going to confess to my best friend that I am madly in love with her. I called her up only to find her crying. She was upset that she might be pregnant with some guy. FML

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By blackcat37 - United States - Independence

Today, at 6 in the morning, I sneezed so hard I fell off my bed. I guess I'm up for the day. FML

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By notjustfat - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he was no longer sexually attracted to me. He then followed that with, "But don't worry, it's not because you're fat." FML

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By hunting7waves - United States - Des Moines

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years told me he had a surprise for me at midnight. I stayed up all night, not hearing from him. Finally I get a notification. Apparently, my midnight surprise is that I'm single. FML

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By Onlymeiswear - 15/3/2021 05:01

Sounds like a scam

Today, I bought a car. Made a down payment and everything. Have the papers saying it’s mine, only to find out a few hours later it was sold right before I bought it. FML

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By mikay1413

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pasadena

In a zoo

Today, I learned that I am referred to as the girl who has "the ass like Beyoncé, but a face like a gorilla". FML

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Top comments

By IndigoFuckYou | 9

#3859916 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:05

That's just the universe telling you to stfu.

By jaredjudd21 | 2

#3859867 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:00

Have a scream off with it.

COMMENTS

By that1guyyy | 12

#3859850 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 8:58

Talk more softly?

Reply

dirtroadboy | 7

#3859903 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:03

It is trying to tell you something!

Reply

ImAnInsomniac | 3

#3859952 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:11

fake

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3859995 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:15

Sounds like Lloyd Christmas was wrong... Your voice is the most annoying sound in the world... Congrats

Reply

lolmonster34 | 0

#3860055 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:26

Same thing happens when my cousin talks...he's a guy

Reply

zinoxity | 23

#3860072 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:28

I have one of these. My sister activates it every time she talks as well. It's annoying as hell.

Reply

firelighter | 3

#3860424 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 10:57

Got one once from my mom, I couldn't listen music, whistle or talk without getting its annoying beep. Took off the battery, threw it on the highest shelf in my closet. Hope yours wasn't too expensive.

Reply

ILEIKGURLS | 0

#3861319 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 16:42

Agreed.

Reply

supertacowaffle | 41

#3862051 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 20:11

It's trying to tell you something

Reply

minniemouse61 | 0

#3863028 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 23:43

Are you Justin Bieber?

Reply

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3870500 - Thursday 12 January 2012 7:49

Dont play Justin bieber near it...

By jaredjudd21 | 2

#3859867 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:00

Have a scream off with it.

Reply

XxHoPPoxX | 8

#3860708 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 12:52

Maybe you should try hitting puberty

Reply

death_dolphin24 | 0

#3861405 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 17:14

OPs a chick

Reply

XxHoPPoxX | 8

#3862207 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 21:01

And.....

By goskatey | 7

#3859875 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:01

At least you didn't buy a microphone.

Reply

boofgall | 16

#3859920 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:05

..yeah.

By that1guyyy | 12

#3859881 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:01

Do dogs seem to bark at you often OP?

By ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3859899 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:03

Easy fix: Mime school.

By IndigoFuckYou | 9

#3859916 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:05

That's just the universe telling you to stfu.

Reply

delilah09 | 6

#3860104 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:33

Well said!

By xSonic | 9

#3859956 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:11

Take steroids

By grahambertus | 11

#3859958 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:11

I hate people that post rude comments like you. I just want to strangle them.

By ICATiger | 13

#3859986 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:14

*beep*

By Amrel | 10

#3859999 - Tuesday 10 January 2012 9:15

Yea you forgot to turn it off