Intimacy: Today, my neighbor asked to come over and use my laptop. She...

By freakedout - 11/04/2014 02:32 - United States - Louisa

Today, my neighbor asked to come over and use my laptop. She showed up drunk, grabbed my boobs, and asked if I'd ever had a lesbian experience. We both have husbands and kids; the kids were in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 048

You deserved it 5 679

Intimacy

Another great day to be alive

Broken heart

You tried

By Anonymous - 07/12/2012 04:49 - United States - Moorhead

Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 199

You deserved it 6 256

By LifeSucks - 29/10/2008 11:57 - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 479

You deserved it 3 958

By Sam - 19/05/2009 09:21 - Belgium

Today, on the way to an exam I saw a car accident happen. I stopped, helped the woman who was injured and waited for the paramedics. I was too late at school, the teacher didn't buy my excuse and I failed the exam. It was an examination of my first aid skills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 904

You deserved it 4 296

Session done!

By Anonymous - 05/02/2020 05:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 227

You deserved it 314

By ismerf19 - 22/12/2010 00:05

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 387

You deserved it 7 345

By Shocked - 18/12/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, I was watching TV. During a very long commercial break, I found my brothers PSP charger next to me. Out of boredom I put my tongue on the end on the metal. Not only did it fry my tongue but found its way to my metal filling in my tooth. I now have a sore tongue and a throbbing toothache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 172

You deserved it 80 357

By Anonymous - 06/02/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 582

You deserved it 445

By HelpPlease - 11/02/2016 23:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 461

You deserved it 2 641

By 3LLI0TT - 06/10/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, I poured my heart out into what had to be my greatest set of lyrics for my band ever, at the same time my teacher was explaining chemical changes to the class. At the end of the lecture he picked up my paper, and set it on fire to demonstrate a chemical change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 216

You deserved it 33 751

By Stilljobless - 19/01/2010 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 066

You deserved it 39 493

Not now, Kelsey

By Amy - 01/04/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, after a huge row with my best friend at school, I hid myself away in the bathroom and quietly sobbed to myself. A kid loudly busted into the stall next to me and took a minute-long shit that sounded like a hailstorm of bullets. The putrid stench made me retch and violently throw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 648

You deserved it 7 222

By laptopsRus - 19/05/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 877

You deserved it 45 122

By bleach bleach bleach - 22/12/2013 17:22 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 544

You deserved it 7 671

By chucklesman96 - 11/12/2016 20:34 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 140

You deserved it 1 135

By estranger - 03/01/2014 22:36 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 028

You deserved it 3 709

By awkwardencounters - 12/11/2013 11:18 - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 206

You deserved it 49 218

Duped

By rippedoff - 04/03/2010 14:09 - Australia

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 174

You deserved it 29 813

By owned - 28/04/2009 14:12 - Singapore

Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 248

You deserved it 66 851

By fluent in two, unlike you - 25/03/2014 18:42 - Mexico

Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 678

You deserved it 3 805

By Anonymous - 09/04/2012 22:32 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I had to pick my 22-year-old son up from the hospital, after he got blind drunk, got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and got the bright idea of staggering to the local ER to get it cut off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 536

You deserved it 2 980

By GshDrnt - 21/04/2011 02:57 - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook and had 64 notifications. I thought that perhaps I was popular. But no, it was my ten year old sister, liking 64 of my pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 095

You deserved it 6 577

By Anonymous - 05/05/2012 02:27 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I spent some of my pay on a birthday gift for my wife. She found out about the money going missing from our account, and now she thinks I'm having an affair. I work 24/7 and barely have time to see my friends, let alone have an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 700

You deserved it 2 148

By Anonymous - 05/06/2015 15:58 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I took my 6-year-old son to visit his grandmother, as the doctors say she only has days left to live. Minutes after we arrived, he leaned in close and told her that she's going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 002

You deserved it 3 484

By LilPie - 19/11/2015 22:10 - United States - Fort Washington

Today, my friend and I were having a casual discussion about sex. Blowjobs came up and my friend said she'd never dared to give one, arguing that swallowing sperm can make you pregnant. I then had to go on with a 30 minute argument with her on how that's not possible. She's 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 925

You deserved it 2 288

By kingwalrus - 12/06/2010 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 996

You deserved it 8 023

By ktreens - 19/10/2012 04:06 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 776

You deserved it 26 334

By Anyonehiring - 28/06/2016 01:05 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had the great pleasure of meeting my replacement, who was sitting at my desk in my office. My boss must've forgotten to mention to me that I've been fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 823

You deserved it 694

By arghh - 29/09/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was on a tram and I noticed an older lady having trouble getting down the stairs. I immediately got up to help her, dropping my bag on the seat accidentally. As I went to get back on the tram, the doors closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 703

You deserved it 5 552

Rod Stewart was wrong

By WTF Lady? - 08/04/2020 20:00

Today, I was walking down my street when a girl came up behind me and started yelling about me being a slut. When she saw I was the wrong person, she continued to yell at me because I have blonde hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 789

You deserved it 139

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 431

You deserved it 5 131

By DreeStahr - 30/09/2016 04:05 - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 796

You deserved it 1 350

By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 09:27 - Sweden

Today, my family is going to the USA for Christmas after being lucky and getting their tickets re-booked. My ticket was canceled due to the snow, and will not be re-booked. Merry Christmas to me, myself and a bottle of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 055

You deserved it 2 743

By MAC - 13/01/2009 09:47 - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 335

You deserved it 3 140

By DIY560 - 24/02/2014 03:59 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 707

You deserved it 3 697

The bird

By Mariah Barnes - 24/07/2020 08:01

Today, I saved a baby bird from the site I work on. It was the runt and did not have any feathers and was neglected by the mother. I took care of it all day at work and planned on taking it to a wildlife reserve after work. Two minutes away from the reserve, we hit a pothole and I dropped it. It died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 576

You deserved it 202

By Chester (Seattle) - 09/09/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 873

You deserved it 5 792

By Again - 25/07/2015 16:55 - United States - Pell City

Today, I received my replacement debit card in the mail after losing my previous one. I've already lost my new one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 685

You deserved it 30 088

By crazydaughter - 12/04/2012 12:51 - Egypt

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to blow-dry the sweat off her armpits instead of showering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 753

You deserved it 3 252

By anon13 - 12/04/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 519

You deserved it 94 596

By see you next cunt - 18/03/2014 19:44 - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 859

You deserved it 5 104

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Top comments

Wizardo 33

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:39

Explain to the kids the dangers of drinking and mind fucking abilities it has, silver linings.

meepmerp 20

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:38

Now you know not to invite her

ahh_rats 15

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:38

Well did you?

caver1 14

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Friday 11 April 2014 16:32

I was Guanajuato same the same thing

nana_star 27

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Friday 11 April 2014 16:34

she has now

joselgarciac 9

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Friday 11 April 2014 19:37

Aside from the kids thing, that is a good question.

meepmerp 20

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:38

Now you know not to invite her

kaablam 17

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:47

Or maybe have a word with her husband... Oh, oh.. Or maaybe this is how they get you into a threesome? Just random thoughts passin through.

SuperCasual 13

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Friday 11 April 2014 15:18

#15- So you're one of those people who says random shit that nobody cares about.

ashingtondc 3

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Friday 11 April 2014 21:27

69 thumbs up

IloveToLaugh143 21

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Friday 11 April 2014 23:26

Seems like #78 is also one of those people.

Enslaved 36

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:39

So? Did you? If not-- you went to the wrong college! :P

ahh_rats 15

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:40

Hahaha very true

Wizardo 33

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:41

What? Or she simply didn't want any and went to a perfectly good college.

rhysfucker 24

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:44

You have to put the kids to bed with a little Benadryl first.

xAmybbx 22

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Friday 11 April 2014 15:43

Thank god I go to a wrong college.

Ryan8878 21

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Saturday 12 April 2014 1:09

Well, it would seem no one is able to take a joke. It wasn't that bad and the smilie was a dead give away.

Wizardo 33

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:39

Explain to the kids the dangers of drinking and mind fucking abilities it has, silver linings.

HowieDoIt 21

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Friday 11 April 2014 15:37

And that, kids, is how I met your mother.

squidgy787 22

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:39

You need to have a very serious conversation with her when she sobers up.

rhysfucker 24

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:46

Like "not in front of the children" and "should I bring wine or liquor?"

Enslaved 36

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:52

Liquor might make her a licker.

KillSwitch96 18

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Saturday 12 April 2014 2:11

And wine might make her whine.

angelitared 27

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:40

Drunk neighbors... Grabbing boobies one margarita at a time. Haha!

Shazra 9

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Saturday 14 March 2015 16:48

Hahaha XD

cumberbunny 17

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:42

Well...don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

rhysfucker 24

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:43

At least it was the wife, not the husband. That could lead to some real tension in the 'hood.

RedPillSucks 31

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Friday 11 April 2014 16:50

How is this better? Sexual harassment is sexual harassment, whether its man on woman, woman on woman, or man on man...

Goblin182 26

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Friday 11 April 2014 17:48

What about woman on man. Oh,that's right, that's not harrassment, that's getting lucky.

davincidasecond 24

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Friday 11 April 2014 20:46

Sadly enough, in this day and age, many men do see it that way ...

LowExpectations 30

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Friday 11 April 2014 23:38

#52, I've been sexualy hurrassed by women, trust me, by no means did I feel lucky.

ninjalovin 8

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Saturday 12 April 2014 0:26

#83 They must have had some low expectations

oreoeater 21

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Saturday 12 April 2014 9:54

Maybe she was the slave driver type?

pratikp03 22

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:45

Well now it's a party (in phoebe voice)

Robtranis 11

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Friday 11 April 2014 15:19

Friends reference :D. Nice.

classiceagle63 16

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Friday 11 April 2014 14:46

Well that's a.... Free sex ed lesson for the kids?

ChenEighty 20

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Friday 11 April 2014 16:10

Not really, considering her kids are less likely to both be homosexual females, they wouldn't really learn much that's useful.

BootheGhost 6

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Friday 11 April 2014 18:16

Its a lesson on what NOT to do at a friend's house.

mattjamt 16

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Saturday 12 April 2014 1:20

It wouldn't exactly be a Sex Ed lesson because sex can technically only occur when both genders are present..

tstew97 4

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Saturday 12 April 2014 16:42

Whys that? Because gay sex is icky? Smh

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 99

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 288

Session done!

Not now, Kelsey

Duped

Rod Stewart was wrong

The bird

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