Today, my mother dragged me to the mall to get me out of the...

By LuxTheSarcastic - 6/11/2015 23:05 - United States - Apex

Today, my mother dragged me to the mall to get me out of the house and to get me to stop using my phone. She then spent the whole trip talking on her phone instead of actually interacting with me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Tense

Non-baby fever

By idiot - 9/7/2012 21:26 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my car waiting my shift to start. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to a call from my boss firing me. I was in the parking lot. FML

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By it'sabitwindy - 9/12/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I added "a road sign" to my ever-growing list of 'Things which have hit my car as a result of the wind.' FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By onlyme123 - 27/6/2018 15:00

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2010 12:56 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my boyfriend in Key West. I had gotten a bikini wax and new swimsuit for the occasion. My boyfriend was being romantic until he pulled a long hair from a mole on my leg. It's all fun and games until the mole starts bleeding, profusely. FML

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By abby0019 - 13/3/2010 00:08 - France

Today, my new neighbours came over to introduce themselves. I open the door to see my ex-husband, with a horrified look on his face, and his girlfriend. FML

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By lolgarbl - 26/2/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

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By sigh - 24/1/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

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By mandm - 24/9/2013 21:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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By Sad Sally - 24/4/2012 11:22 - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

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By godhatesme - 10/12/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

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By boohoo - 6/9/2009 14:21 - Ireland

Today, I was fired from my catering job for pointing out the unsafe food conditions. I'm studying food safety in college. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 13:43 - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By PublicToiletEspionage - 21/5/2009 10:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I was desperate for a pee so I used some public toilets which were full of obviously underage girls drinking. I didn't think anything of it until halfway through my business when I looked up to see two of them leaning over the top of the stall taking pictures with a mobile phone. FML

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By irwingiggles - 8/2/2015 10:26 - Netherlands

Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML

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By roo - 27/1/2011 16:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 19:12 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

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By Cherrish it - 4/9/2012 04:24 - United States - Carmichael

Today, a girl told me she stopped eating cherries ever since her father choked on one when she was a kid. She later mentioned that she doesn't like to drive. I sarcastically asked, "Did your dad choke on a car too?" Nope, her two brothers died in a car accident. FML

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By s0728 - 1/9/2014 21:37 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I work at a bakery. As I was putting out some cakes with fruit on top of them, a customer asked me how we get the little hairs to stay on the raspberries, and if we glue them on. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 22:20 - Denmark - Fredericia

Today, my husband quit his stable job of 12 years at the bank to pursue a career selling kites. If we don't end up homeless because of this, god knows we will when he has a real mid-life crisis. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2016 17:09 - United States - Orange Park

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

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By Bad Mum? - 31/3/2019 23:00 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my eldest son told me he wishes he lived with his dad. This after I, two years ago, managed to get myself and my children out of the abusive situation we were in. Why? He didn't want to tidy his toys. FML

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By sucked_in - 23/7/2015 02:32 - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst vacuuming, I stupidly decided to vacuum the bathroom drain to see what would happen. Turns out it will cause stinking septic water to get sucked into the machine and spew all over the walls, ceiling and vanity. It also causes the vacuum cleaner to stop working. FML

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By maryfaithh - 27/1/2012 16:30 - United States

Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2012 10:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 17:25 - Latvia - Aluksne

Today, two days before I'm due to fly out to Russia on my first vacation, I caught my extremely over-protective mother trying to force the family dog to eat my passport. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 04:00

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

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By freakofnature - 31/3/2012 16:17 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I visited my new doctor, hoping that he would be able to figure out the cause of the pains I've been having for years. He told me there's nothing he can do, that half the drugs out there cause cancer anyway and that I should look into homeopathy. Great. FML

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By Pissed.Off.Mom. - 6/10/2016 05:14 - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call informing me that my 16-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting jewellery. Trying to look on the bright side, I assumed it was for my birthday that is coming up in a few days. Nope. It was a "Thank you" gift. For her drug dealer. FML

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By Aether - 3/5/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML

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By blackberrybummer - 25/7/2010 05:57 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he would do his job while I did my "job" on top of him. He whips out his Blackberry and completely ignores me to send e-mails to co-workers reminding them about the 10 a.m. meeting scheduled for the next morning. FML

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By ineedsleep - 30/10/2014 14:15 - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

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By helluvasinger - 12/11/2009 11:00 - South Africa

Today, I went to a karaoke bar that my girlfriend works at. I'm a halfway decent singer, so I picked out a song we both liked and decided to give it a go. Halfway through the song I sneezed, tripped, fell off the stage and knocked myself out in front of my girlfriend and fifty bar patrons. FML

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By Darth Vomitus - 10/8/2012 18:54 - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

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By HK - 16/5/2012 22:38 - United Kingdom - Haywards Heath

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me because I refused to keep him company while he took a shit. FML

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By must.not.itch. - 2/6/2012 23:25 - United States - Hayward

Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML

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By mild banana - 16/6/2016 16:55 - United States - Cedar Hill

Today, I was kicking my soccer ball with my father. My mom pulled out in the car without checking and ran into to me. FML

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By lunarclips - 27/6/2016 14:08 - Canada - Brandon

Today, is the day I graduate. Today is the day I have explosive diarrhea and I haven't moved far from the toilet since I woke up this morning. FML

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By wtf is wrong with my country - 8/5/2012 17:57 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

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Top comments

By Emmamazing | 26

#6455898 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:02

That is double standards at its finest

By team_hale | 11

#6455899 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:02

When my family goes out to eat, we put our phones in the centre of the table face down. The first one to check their phone pays for dinner

COMMENTS

By MisterKnowItAll | 15

#6455892 - Saturday 7 November 2015 14:59

Probably just to spite you.

By shay_serendipity | 29

#6455894 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:00

Sadly this is most of the world we live in. Hope you enjoyed yourself at least, OP!

By Emmamazing | 26

#6455898 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:02

That is double standards at its finest

gobiteme2 | 34

#6455920 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:17

I would think that most people on this site would say that karma caught up to her.

StickyPickles | 33

#6455964 - Saturday 7 November 2015 16:44

I think irony is a better way to sum it up.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6456152 - Saturday 7 November 2015 21:24

Do as I say, not as I do!

By team_hale | 11

#6455899 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:02

When my family goes out to eat, we put our phones in the centre of the table face down. The first one to check their phone pays for dinner

Lalala579121 | 27

#6455942 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:54

They dine and dash.

team_hale | 11

#6455996 - Saturday 7 November 2015 17:32

We split it

americanafrican | 32

#6456086 - Saturday 7 November 2015 20:16

dine and dash was a way better idea

awildwhisper | 30

#6456183 - Saturday 7 November 2015 22:01

i want to do this with my family

By ashleighmay18 | 21

#6455900 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:03

Our family does that at dinner, complains the young ones are on phones then sit playing candy crush on theirs...

By gogo44444 | 28

#6455905 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:06

Take away her phone and ground her

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6456474 - Sunday 8 November 2015 7:01

It really is the only way she'll learn. ;)

By iBanana | 17

#6455906 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:06

My dad broke my computer once because I had been on it for like 4 hours. He's constantly on his iPad though. Double standards

By A07 | 48

#6455910 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:11

Parents need to get their shit straight before lecturing their children about something they themselves do.

By olpally | 32

#6455911 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:11

Hypocritical much? Sounds like my mom. Just use your phone anyways.

By The_Basileus | 9

#6455916 - Saturday 7 November 2015 15:12

It is iromic that parents are as much slaves of technology as they claim their kids are.