Intimacy: Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

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Late term

Dangling modifier

Out of it

By bdogge99 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was at the dentist. During my check-up, he recommended a dermatologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

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By MaHalKiTa - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend poops with "This is war" playing on his phone, and makes war sounds corresponding with his poop dropping. FML

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By crazyattracts - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

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By Chanman1924 - United States

Today, my friend put my phone number on Craigslist. I still can't find the ad, but obviously everyone else can because I still haven't stopped receiving naked pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 15:02 - Iraq

Trust

Today, my fiancée a year left me, a week after she told me she’s still talking to her ex. Her excuse for not telling me about this? Because, “You’ll make it a big deal out of it.” FML

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By reyoflight - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old daughter lying on her bed, repeatedly opening and closing her legs. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "Trying to queef. I saw it online." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

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By P DarklyKira - 6/5/2020 17:00

Broken bum

Today, marks the 29th day since I missed my haemorrhoid surgery. They told me to wait because it's not life threatening and so that I don't get the virus going to the hospital, which I understand. The problem is, even though I take suppositories, it hurts badly and bleed each time I have to take a shit. FML

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By Puppy_Killer - 16/12/2020 23:02 - Australia

Murderer!

Today, I was backing out of my garage when my neighbour's collie ran behind my car. Unfortunately, I didn't see it, but I heard a thump. They were out, so I rushed him to the vet's. I was upset, and I guess I was driving too fast and didn't see that another dog was crossing the road. I killed two dogs today. FML

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By PerturbedStudent - United States - Keller

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while I was walking home alone, a homeless man approached me and took me by the hand. Apparently, he's been watching me for weeks and has fallen madly in love with me. He told me not to worry, though; he's not a rapist. FML

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By JAdams - United States - Newkirk

Today, I walked in on my fifteen-year-old son and his friends attempting to set up a rudimentary meth lab in his bedroom. I'm not sure whether to be angrier that they simply tried this, or that they thought burning up baking soda would somehow produce methamphetamine. FML

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By russty - United States

Today, I walked to my car to find a window smashed in. Lucky for me, nothing was stolen. It did, however, rain all morning. FML

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By A continent away - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML

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By tmi4me - United States

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

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By fireman - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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By Saphira - United States

Today, my dad's girlfriend threw me a birthday party and all the gifts, decorations, and the cake were according to my age, which they thought was 12. I turned 13 today. FML

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By clutzasaurus - United States - Odessa

Today, I was feeling down about being stuck in bed after ankle surgery. I thought I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know everything went well. He said the obligatory nice things, then told me that if I'm not at work on Monday, I'll be fired. I can't even get out of bed. FML

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By sonofaneuroticwench - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I have a busy day of college work ahead of me. I figured I'd best have a good breakfast. Then I realised I'd completely ran out of food except for various types of sauces and condiments. So what am I having for breakfast today? That's right. A nice cup of Gravy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked 4 hours for a huge mail call to get all the troops their Christmas mail. And just like every other mail call I did not receive one package or letter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

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By UniGrad2019 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

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By atterz123 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML

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By fuckyouverymuch - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, my estranged father, who is a cop, decided to show up to my 17th birthday party. He immediately began arresting people for underage drinking. Way to mend fences, dad. FML

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By flowerfail - United States

Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 23:00

Think it through

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Ggirl - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 13/2/2021 05:01

Great mom you got there

Today, I felt an intense pain in my abdomen, so my mom drove me to the hospital. When we were in the waiting room, she rudely said, "It's probably an STD since you're such a slut." And then she left me there. It was a kidney infection. FML

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By greenchan - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

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By Screw My Parents - United States - Barrington

Today, my parents confirmed we were going to be taking a Disney World trip for Christmas vacation. I already knew that we were taking a trip, but I was now missing a week of school. Being in 3 honors and an A.P. class, I said that I didn't want to go. I got called an "ungrateful, little prick". FML

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By RAS266

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to pick up my brother and his girlfriend from the bar at 2:00am because they were too drunk to drive themselves and had no money for an Uber. Five minutes into the ride, they started going at it in the back of my new car. I don't think I'll be doing favors again. FML

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By bjevilcat2 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 19:56

Imagine if we had a social safety net…

Today, I was called selfish for complaining about COVID lockdowns. Thanks to lockdowns, my family's restaurant has been permanently closed, I've burned through all my savings, and we are going to lose our house. I guess being upset about my family's plight is selfish. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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Top comments

By Peroxide | 3

#314307 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:32

That shit is BANANAS!

By akiro525 | 3

#314317 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:38

who wouldn't?

COMMENTS

By cucuto89 | 0

#314290 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:25

Cool Story BRo

Reply

AUT_student | 0

#315386 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 23:12

shouldn't this go to that my life is great website?? You friends must love you....a MILF wanting to do Gwen Stefani....FTW FTW FTW FTW!!!!
How can this in ANY way be a bad thing??

Reply

rallets | 22

#316202 - Thursday 18 June 2009 6:03

thats a FAIL

youre doing it wrong

Reply

kmknotek | 0

#1391081 - Sunday 12 September 2010 4:56

i would fuck gwen stefani tooo....

By FPsLife | 5

#314299 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:28

*Searches frantically for who cares button*

At least she wasn't coming on to you.

... or was that what you wanted?

By lottofee | 0

#314303 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:30

so what?

Reply

genius_man16 | 0

#314516 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 15:32

^^

My care cup is so empty it's a fucking black hole

Reply

heyyou1203 | 0

#318008 - Thursday 18 June 2009 20:27

exactly. How does this f your life? So maybe your mom embarrassed u in front of ppl? Big deal.

By Pirate_argh | 6

#314304 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:31

Agree with #2.
Sorry, but my care-o-meter just hit ZERO

By Peroxide | 3

#314307 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:32

That shit is BANANAS!

Reply

dinosaursmoo | 0

#314985 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 19:36

Bahahah XD You just made my day.

By Frolly_fml | 0

#314310 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:35

Cool mom.

By starflake | 3

#314315 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:38

Awh, your Mom is awesome!

By akiro525 | 3

#314317 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:38

who wouldn't?

Reply

crystalbluewolf | 3

#3080153 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 19:34

yeah at least she picked someone of good taste.

Reply

xX_LilSammie_Xx | 4

#3773453 - Friday 23 December 2011 0:30

My thoughts exactly -Who wouldn't.

By AntiChrist7 | 0

#314320 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:40

if she bangs GS, tape it and put it online.

By Aray | 0

#314321 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 12:41

oh my god that's fucked hahaha!