Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing...

By ptarr12345 - 14/5/2015 04:26 - United States - Lancaster

Today, my little cousin was helping me wash my car. After scrubbing all the dirt, I gave him the hose and said, "Okay, now rinse off this disgusting thing." He turned the hose on me. FML

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Kids

Don't give up

Innocent

Noise

By Nowajerk - 25/12/2011 01:15 - Australia

Today, I just finished nearly a year of muscle-building in order to impress my crush. Turns out she doesn't date fit guys, because "they're all jerks". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, it was my big sister's birthday, and I was told the iPod I ordered her online was not coming due to a mix up. I drove to three different electronic stores before I found the one she wanted. After spending forever in traffic, I came home to find a package on my doorstep. It was her iPod. FML

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By oops. - 22/12/2018 16:00

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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By ow - 18/12/2016 18:33

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

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By Slayer - 9/10/2011 23:28 - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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By BaconBreathBlonde - 30/10/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2009 01:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

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By Jessika - 7/8/2009 09:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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By Humpday - 29/5/2016 21:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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By randomguy - 9/7/2012 15:09 - United States - Saylorsburg

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

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By lifsabtch - 6/1/2013 17:24

Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2014 19:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

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By kat124ever - 7/1/2013 08:35 - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

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By John - 19/11/2011 17:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a very long, complicated talk with my girlfriend. Apparently, since she isn't religious, she doesn't have to give anyone Christmas presents, and yet expects everyone to give her some. She then told me what I should get her. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

You made them use coasters, Monica

Today, I was checking my friends' posts on Facebook and all of them were complaining what a boring night they had. They were all just at my house. FML

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By Noname - 16/1/2009 23:19 - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

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By WalkingTalkingCarrot - 27/6/2011 02:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

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By uselessdad - 7/9/2010 23:48 - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2016 14:27 - United States

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

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By 552220000 - 14/6/2019 22:00

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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By nonexistant - 29/10/2010 04:33 - United States

Today, a cute girl came up to me with her boyfriend and said, "If you end up looking like him, it's over." FML

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By Monroe - 23/6/2011 22:30 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML

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By guyssuck - 26/2/2013 19:11 - Canada - Yellowknife

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant with a horribly sore back and an insensitive husband. I'm so desperate for relief that I'm lying on the couch, using my vibrator to give myself a back massage. FML

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By besviken - 18/11/2012 22:53 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I had the best sex of our relationship with my boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, looked me sweetly in the eyes for a few moments, then decided to slap me in the face with it. FML

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By SuperBunny - 20/4/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML

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By badnewsbears - 21/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. I said yes, she responded with "wow, hope I never have to see that." FML

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By arrow - 30/7/2018 19:00

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By effingawwesome - 11/4/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was surfing and trying to impress some girls on the beach. While I was out in the water, a jellyfish wrapped itself around my torso. I started to yell and freak out, making a huge scene. I grabbed it off of me, only to realize that I was freaking out over a plastic grocery bag. FML

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By thanks sis - 3/7/2020 05:02

Role model

Today, I went over to visit my sister. She had a bunch of pictures of me on her wall. I thought it was sweet, but a bit odd. Turns out she looks at pictures of me to motivate herself whenever she doesn’t feel like working out. FML

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By Stellarum - 18/8/2014 15:13 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2013 07:46 - United States - Denton

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I got diagnosed with stomach ulcers. They are very painful, and I have been throwing up blood. On my latest trip to the toilet, I was heaving and the pain was making me beat the floor with my fist, the toilet lid decided to come crashing down on my head, giving me a minor concussion. FML

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By uglyshoegirl - 8/3/2015 21:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

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By milksquad - 17/7/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

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By Maddie110110 - 7/6/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 12:03 - United States

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

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By peaaaak - 3/6/2011 10:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML

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By WitchQueenLiz - 28/6/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. Normally, the little office I work in throws a big party for every employee on their special day, but nothing was done for me, not even a "Happy Birthday" came my way. I didn't want to be rude, so I stayed silent. They didn't do anything because I was getting laid off. FML

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Top comments

By Shadowvoid | 33

#6290758 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:09

Just accept that he has a wonderful sense of humor.

By Liamj774 | 36

#6290752 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:08

You should say never mind I'll get it. And the. Spray him

COMMENTS

By Liamj774 | 36

#6290752 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:08

You should say never mind I'll get it. And the. Spray him

wtffml1979 | 22

#6290899 - Friday 15 May 2015 1:41

Kids are honest and doing what their told.

By Shadowvoid | 33

#6290758 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:09

Just accept that he has a wonderful sense of humor.

By pleasedie | 22

#6290760 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:09

Well at least you're clean now..... Maybe ?

kibster9 | 20

#6290836 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:43

Like Deez Nutz

shemademedoit | 20

#6290952 - Friday 15 May 2015 3:13

looks like both of you are dirty.

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6291301 - Friday 15 May 2015 15:42

moo im a cow ?

By ezrajab | 22

#6290771 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:11

Kids got a sense of humor I like it!

By Awesomeaxel | 24

#6290778 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:13

1 bonus point goes to your cousin. That is pretty funny though

By davek | 36

#6290784 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:15

Apply cold water to burned area. Oh wait...

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6290789 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:16

He saw an opportunity and took it. You can't blame him for that! :D

By irish_lad | 16

#6290798 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:20

That doesn't mean your ugly or anything. I would do that to my wife and she hot asf

By Kitty_Kat44 | 31

#6290803 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:21

Well at least your clean now.

Kitty_Kat44 | 31

#6290812 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:29

Whoops. Didn't see that number 3 has already said this.

By Kobeh | 13

#6290805 - Friday 15 May 2015 0:23

Well hopefully it was all in good fun, if not then you should try to show him what is and isn't appropriate to do