Transportation: Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

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Dangling modifier

Dementia or hate? You decide

Simps gonna simp

By crazyk2468 - United States - Buena Park

Today, I found the best cure for constipation is having my brother scare the literal shit out of me, in Walmart. FML

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By TractorUWG - United States

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

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By gui909 - France

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we'd booked a spot for 20 people for my grandma's birthday. Turns out the reservation didn't go through. Now 20 people are waiting inside and outside for a group of old people to finish eating. They just barely got their food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

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By some band player - United States - Highland Park

Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 00:30

Set phasers to stun

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because there was “something missing”, which was the lack of sex we had because she didn’t feel good about her body. Less than three hours after crushing my heart, she posted about how hard it will be to have a "hoe phase" during a pandemic. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

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By Classy Broad

Today, I learned that my hair color is classified as "Buttered Toast". FML

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By sammy18f - United States - Brentwood

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring

Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML

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By Steven - United Kingdom - Llanelli

Judgmental much?

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 01:08 - United States - Irving

Creepy

Today, the power went out so my family all stayed together in a one room to keep warm. I was on the bed against the wall and reached my hand down, only to find my panties tucked in the side of my brother's bed. Not one pair, but two. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was walking out of my girlfriend's house with her when I saw her thong drying on the rack. I picked it up, sniffed it and put it on my face as a joke. She replied with, "Those are my mother's." FML

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By superpissed - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even 2 hours after my shift, they rung to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML

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By bridalqueen - United States

Today, as a veteran blood donor, I made a friend who was donating for the first time- I told her not to be scared and that I've been doing it for six years and that it was a great way to help people. While at the snack area afterwards, I passed out, started convulsing and went into shock. FML

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By Heifer - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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By banana2894 - United States - Eugene

Today, I looked over at the car parked next to me and noticed a very large woman plucking her mustache. She locked eyes with me and kept plucking. After that, every time I looked over, she was still staring. Staring and plucking. Now when I close my eyes, I can still see her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Toledo

Today, while working as a manager at a restaurant, the "All employees must wash hands" sign in the bathroom was stolen. Now my employees won't wash their hands because they "don't have to." FML

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By thatswhatsup66 - United States - Greer

Today, I was at a restaurant, and I saw my friend. When we made eye contact, I made a creepy face at her and twitched my arms to make her laugh. A woman looked over said sadly, "Oh my God, that poor girl!" She thought I was "special." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2021 14:01 - United States - Keene

Work sucks, I know

Today, I had to go hands-on at work while choking on mace with a man who was mentally disturbed, and it could have been avoided if my supervisor had been less concerned with asserting dominance and instead let the guy come to grips with his situation. Great use of my college degrees. FML

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By poor excuse for a father

Today, my wife is out of the country so my daughter asked me for help. She'd tried waxing her "private bits" but it hurt too much so she left the strip stuck down there for nearly two days. I was so unable to handle the situation, I called my wife crying and begging her to come home and deal with it. FML

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By

Where it is?

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML

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By BabyDaddy - Australia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of five months is pregnant. Apparently, she stopped taking her pill two months ago because "we" wanted a baby. I don't recall ever having that discussion with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that, due to my low self-confidence, all my bras are push-ups. He yelled, "EVERYTHING I KNEW IS A LIE" and stormed out. FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

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By anonymaiacciu - France

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

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By Anonymous

No one likes a smart-ass

Today, I accidentally stumbled on a method of getting my job done in about a third of the time, so my boss made it mandatory for all employees. Unfortunately, my coworkers now can't slack off pretending jobs take 2-3 hours, and their constant petty revenge bullying is driving me mad. FML

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By CosmicJoke - United States

Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

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By Extended_desktop - Poland

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

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By unprofessional - United States - Portland

Today, I filled out an online application for a internship. I didn't have all the info I need to complete it, but it wouldn't let me leave anything blank so to move along I filled in crap answers. I pressed "Save". It sent my draft in. I now have to explain that "Jesus" isn't actually my reference. FML

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By STFU!

Caught the bug

Today, my girlfriend has been randomly screaming out, “Coronavirus! Hehehe!” in a scarily accurate Cardi B impression. She’s been doing it for days and refuses to stop. I’m starting to think facing the damn virus might be less annoying at this point. FML

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By normal - France - Ambres

Today, it's been two days since my upstairs neighbour's toilet started flooding both our apartments. I have to go to the bathroom with an umbrella. FML

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By God,NotAgain,Please - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

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By tman - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By ihatemondays - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that it's an hour and 45 minutes quicker to get the bus to work, rather than the train. I've worked there for six years. FML

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By i fuckin love habaneros - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

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By LoadingMeows - United States

Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML

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Top comments

By chasing_adalia | 0

#164566 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:49

If you forgot to close your sun roof, you definitely deserve it.

By z4opv14 | 0

#164565 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:48

Haha, should've thought about that before.

COMMENTS

By z4opv14 | 0

#164565 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:48

Haha, should've thought about that before.

Reply

coolster56 | 0

#981764 - Monday 19 April 2010 12:38

this reminds me of top gear when they try to make a convertival people carrier and when it goes through the car wash they somehow set the car wash on fire they then run.

By chasing_adalia | 0

#164566 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:49

If you forgot to close your sun roof, you definitely deserve it.

Reply

Gstone5 | 0

#1053038 - Friday 2 July 2010 2:12

haha epic fail!!

By yer_maw | 0

#164571 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

rofl in a waffle

that was entertaining

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#898527 - Saturday 27 February 2010 22:13

No, your comment was entertaining. But nice wording, OP.

By llSgtScopell | 0

#164576 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

Im sure you just panicked under pressure. SHITS WEAK

By shmaller | 0

#164592 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:54

Well, now the inside of your car is definitely going to need a cleaning out. At least you're right there.

By insane_chick | 0

#164596 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:54

Ouch... I sure hope your interior is okay. but you should have checked all your windows before going into the car wash.

By rosesareblue | 0

#164598 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:55

so how's that leather interior now?

By tick_tock | 0

#164599 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:55

This is lame. YDI.

By Pokerdance | 0

#164603 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:55

You deserved it for not paying attention.

By esklstar | 0

#164647 - Sunday 3 May 2009 18:03

that sucks fyl but ydi for not putting it up in the first place so its kind of 50 -50