Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 11:06 - United States

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

How's your hovel?

Great guy

By Clumsy - 8/9/2016 12:06 - United States - Millville

Today, I was working out with the guy I like when he spilled his water bottle. I went to clean up the spill, bashed my face into the weight bar, which broke my nose. FML

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By Etyl - 18/11/2011 10:49 - Indonesia

Today, I struggled through a one hour traffic jam to get to the airport to pick up my dad who was just coming back from an overseas trip. I got there only to find that he had given me the wrong date, and I had to drive home. Best part? I have to do it all over again tomorrow. FML

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By ClairvoyantVamp - 6/7/2016 23:09 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, I had my first orgasm. He thought something was wrong, so he stopped. FML

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By poolboy - 23/7/2012 04:28

Today, I was swimming in my pool with my two sons. A few hours later while on Facebook, I saw that one of them had liked a photo with the caption, "Peeing in a pool, best feeling ever." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

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By Mr_Jah - 4/7/2016 20:33 - United States - Boerne

Today, I got offered a free $80 salon haircut by a girl I've liked for awhile. Thinking this was my chance to get close to her, I accepted, only to find out it was for a class her boyfriend was teaching. He was the one cutting my hair. FML

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By Miroslav208 - 20/10/2011 14:32 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why it would be highly offensive and inappropriate for him to go as Caylee Anthony for Halloween. I think he's still planning on doing it. FML

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By Ceej - 28/10/2012 04:06 - United States - Grand Haven

Today, my husband and I were told by our elderly neighbors that they can hear us having sex a lot. To top it off, the elderly man said while patting his wife's arm with a smile, "Carol used to make noises like that too, back in the day." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

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By lynn777 - 4/4/2011 20:42 - Canada

Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 08:31 - Canada

Today, at an Aunt's wake, my five year old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

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By OhMyWhitney - 20/2/2012 07:41 - United States

Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML

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By - 22/3/2019 20:00

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2014 21:39 - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML

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By twinkygaymer - 27/6/2020 02:02

Obey!

Today, I got screamed at by a girl because I said I didn’t want to go on a date with her. I’m a gay man. FML

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By ExFutureGrandsonInLaw - 10/6/2018 19:00

Sorry?

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend's grandparents at church. After 5 minutes of catching up, my ex's frail grandmother asked me when I'm planning on "joining the family". I had to explain to them that their granddaughter had dumped me exactly 2 years before. She cried. FML

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By whoawhoawhoa - 28/12/2011 22:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2016 10:00 - Australia - Port Melbourne

Today, the girl I'd been seeing for a few weeks lost her mind and yanked my car's e-brake while we were on the highway. Why? Because I said I wasn't really interested in having kids. Guess I'll cross that relationship off as a "hell no". FML

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By chickennoodlesoup - 21/5/2009 01:50 - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2014 02:00 - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

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By zoe777 - 9/11/2013 02:54 - United States

Today, my mother not only told me that my ex-husband will be spending Thanksgiving with her and my dad, but that I'm also no longer invited to spend the holiday with my family. FML

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By Dlord357 - 7/11/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML

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By Peterrulesall - 25/9/2020 17:01 - United States

Bad joke, dude

Today, as a joke, I put a picture of a sonogram on my girlfriend's facebook. Now her entire family hates me, and her mother has started the 2-hour drive to come pull her out of college. Whoops. FML

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By Classy Broad - 15/5/2019 22:15

Today, I learned that my hair color is classified as "Buttered Toast". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 13:34

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

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By cls_x - 24/2/2013 07:53 - United States - Riverview

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

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By DamnTornadoAlley - 30/8/2012 05:55 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, I had to force myself to take a dump at school, even though I have severe restroom anxiety and shyness. I had finally relaxed enough to go when the tornado drills went off mid-dump, and 46 students and teachers packed into the bathroom with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2016 19:09 - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was okay, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML

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By hadtocleanthemess - 28/6/2011 12:35 - Canada

Today, my dog got his head stuck in a container, panicked, and shat himself all over the living room. FML

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By Barista - 5/7/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 21:14 - United States

Today, my husband called me in the middle of the morning. He was in jail and wanted me to bail him out. Not only was he stupid enough to go drunk drag-racing with his buddies, their route took them straight past the front of the local police precinct. FML

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By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2019 20:00

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

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By cogu - 3/2/2010 19:34 - France

Today, I realized my girlfriend has more hair on her abdomen than I have on mine. FML

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By triple l - 15/10/2012 08:33 - United States

Today, the police searched my house because my neighbors thought we were aiming a gun with laser sight at them. We were only getting our daft dog to chase a laser light around; we don't even own any guns. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2013 01:03 - United States - La Grande

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

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By Nightsong - 30/3/2016 02:54 - Germany - N?rnberg

Today, I saw a ridiculously hot guy dining with his family. I decided not to flirt with him with his parents around but to ask his sister (who went to the restroom) to give him my phone number. When I came back, I saw her pointing a finger at me, and the whole family turning around and staring. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 23:39 - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

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By Solemnwishing - 13/7/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

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Top comments

By chasing_adalia | 0

#164566 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:49

If you forgot to close your sun roof, you definitely deserve it.

By z4opv14 | 0

#164565 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:48

Haha, should've thought about that before.

COMMENTS

By z4opv14 | 0

#164565 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:48

Haha, should've thought about that before.

Reply

coolster56 | 0

#981764 - Monday 19 April 2010 12:38

this reminds me of top gear when they try to make a convertival people carrier and when it goes through the car wash they somehow set the car wash on fire they then run.

By chasing_adalia | 0

#164566 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:49

If you forgot to close your sun roof, you definitely deserve it.

Reply

Gstone5 | 0

#1053038 - Friday 2 July 2010 2:12

haha epic fail!!

By yer_maw | 0

#164571 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

rofl in a waffle

that was entertaining

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#898527 - Saturday 27 February 2010 22:13

No, your comment was entertaining. But nice wording, OP.

By llSgtScopell | 0

#164576 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:50

Im sure you just panicked under pressure. SHITS WEAK

By shmaller | 0

#164592 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:54

Well, now the inside of your car is definitely going to need a cleaning out. At least you're right there.

By insane_chick | 0

#164596 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:54

Ouch... I sure hope your interior is okay. but you should have checked all your windows before going into the car wash.

By rosesareblue | 0

#164598 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:55

so how's that leather interior now?

By tick_tock | 0

#164599 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:55

This is lame. YDI.

By Pokerdance | 0

#164603 - Sunday 3 May 2009 17:55

You deserved it for not paying attention.

By esklstar | 0

#164647 - Sunday 3 May 2009 18:03

that sucks fyl but ydi for not putting it up in the first place so its kind of 50 -50