Health: Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget....

By Chance115

Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget. FML

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Health

BO Central

Empathy

Monetize your shit life

By jeremyj - United States

Today, is the third day since I opened my small coffee shop. My parents had given me a nice frame to put my first dollar from working in. I had to sneak in a dollar from my own wallet so they wouldn't know how bad business was when they came to visit. FML

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29137

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By Sleepdeprived - United States - Falmouth

Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML

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46962

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By Teenagegirl - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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32270

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4250

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 14:31 - Australia - Adelaide

Confused

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with a meth dealer I just met online. Of course this occurred at his place, since he's on home detention for drug trafficking - ankle bracelet and all. Worst part? I really liked it. FML

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247

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By who knows - United States - Mankato

Tell me the reason

Today, someone took my phone away. Why? Because I was texting my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me with one of my friends. FML

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549

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3246

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By Nicholas Laughton

Today, I saw the girl I've been crushing hard on. I go up to talk to her, and I'm immediately greeted by, "I like girls." FML

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4464

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762

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By nolife - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

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10085

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41565

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my best friend about a cute guy that girls are afraid to even speak to, so I then decided to march right up to him and say hello. When he smiled at me, I stood there with my mouth wide open, but I made non-coherent words. He asked me if I was a foreign exchange student. FML

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10035

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29478

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By purplepixie23

Today, it's -5°C outside and snowing and it's only September. If that wasn’t bad enough, we aren't allowed to have the heat on at work due to a menopausal monster who loses her shit and throws things if we turn it on. I can't feel my toes. FML

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3162

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217

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By socialix - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend with a serenade. After I finished, she told me she'd come over to tell me she'd found someone else and wanted to break up. FML

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33618

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By not what she said

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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1643

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114

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By Rebecca - United States - Austin

Today, my colleague yet again misused the word "literally." It's driving me insane. I have to work opposite him and hear him say things like he's just "literally shit himself inside out." FML

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24206

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5167

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By Rick - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

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34847

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5188

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By oopsies - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

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27787

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5408

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the man of my dreams turned out to be the worst kisser I've ever encountered. I now have a huge hickey on my chin to remember the experience by. FML

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22809

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2317

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By sleepy - United States - Grand Forks

Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML

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10497

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984

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By chickfilady

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

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15923

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2271

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By klm878 - United States

Today, at work, my manager fell in front of an entire lobby full of people on a wet floor. I'm the only one who burst out laughing. Turns out she has a broken arm. FML

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10952

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37667

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By Leslie - United States

Today, my husband left me for one of the college students I was tutoring in Spanish. We have two kids and are expecting a third. He left a note that said he would "stay in touch." FML

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47048

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By Anonymous

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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1455

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By egged - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had this really high fever and my sister decides I'm hot enough to fry an egg on. So I'm lying in bed now, still terribly feverish but smelling of the egg she cracked on my back. FML

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41220

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By Baegel - United States - Havertown

Today, my psycho ex defaced my car. She didn't key it or slash my tires. She posted "TRUMP 2016" bumper stickers all over it. I don't know what glue they use, but it's been 2 hours and I haven't gotten any of them off. FML

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22806

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By vicious circle - Sint Maarten (Dutch part)

Today, I called the HR department of a big company, inquiring about a vacancy for a website designer. Boy, do they need one; there are dead links, malware warnings, and a layout from the '90s, but no info at all about recruitment. The lady just angrily referred me to the website and hung up. FML

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21523

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By boobs are for baby - United States - Hesperia

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

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4889

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1046

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that dirty talk does NOT get me off. My boyfriend and I were having sex and I said "I'm going to come" during the beginning of my orgasm. My orgasm immediately stopped right after I said that. I turned myself off. FML

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38192

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By Larry - United States

Today, I am sick with a cold and I go to the most important interview of my life. A giant glob of wet snot comes out of my nose when I am expressing my desire to join their team. FML

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27964

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy took me out on a date. His imaginary friends joined us. FML

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43188

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3656

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By KatieB - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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32453

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By fire - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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58350

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By flying13 - United States

Better out than in

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

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63410

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By Katrina641 - France

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

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22404

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4339

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

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2149

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109

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By Rawf - United States

Today, at work, a customer called in and asked me to read off every item on our menu, along with their ingredients. I work at Jamba Juice so that's a lot of reading. After about 10 minutes of this, I found out it was actually my stupid co-worker calling from the back phone. FML

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43091

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9926

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Whoops

Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11834

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32503

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By iammike - United States

Today, I saw two cute girls walking my way as I was parking my car. Trying to impress them, I got out and attempted to coolly walk to the sidewalk. I tripped on the curb, scraped both my knees, and was laughed at all the way until I got back inside my car. FML

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13602

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad has a folder full of baby pictures and things that I drew when I was younger, labeled "Shit from when Annie was cute." FML

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37411

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, in my journalism class, after trying hard to find some actual news to comment, we ended up talking about gay porn and fashion designers. FML

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12405

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By Nicholasand - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML

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8135

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By Skier - Canada

Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

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6219

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By Anonymous

Today, my child told me when she makes enough money to support herself, she's never going to speak to me again. FML

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3775

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Top comments

By Leeono | 26

#7686640 - Sunday 2 September 2018 9:52

Low blow man, low blow.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7691715 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 23:48

We don’t use that word anymore! It’s “little person,” you ret...*404: Page not found*

COMMENTS

By Leeono | 26

#7686640 - Sunday 2 September 2018 9:52

Low blow man, low blow.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7691715 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 23:48

We don’t use that word anymore! It’s “little person,” you ret...*404: Page not found*

By pjsr | 32

#7691720 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 0:10

That’s a little scary

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7691750 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 1:17

Who gets the short end of the stick now?! You do!

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#7691751 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 1:18

100% YDI! Seriously, it’s not even mid-September. Stop premature holiday decorating!!

Cali | 54

#7692123 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 17:01

Are you joking or serious? There are tons of year-round haunted houses.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7691813 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 6:12

the shortest ghosts are always the angriest

By skippydoda | 32

#7691859 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 8:39

Details are needed

By carlgrimes47 | 13

#7691926 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 10:45

You've gone and pissed off Chucky

By Abbusser | 9

#7692059 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 15:33

We don't use that word. It's "Spectrally Accessible..."

By noodle6 | 5

#7692236 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 20:34

Today in things that didn't happen. There's no haunted houses in September, way to lie for attention.