Health: Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget....

By Chance115

Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

On a leash

Time for a change

By itsover - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via facebook. I don't even have a facebook. My friends had to tell me. FML

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By starcatch777 - United States

Today, I blacked out going up a roller coaster. Instead of helping me, my friend took pictures of my face and posted them on Facebook. FML

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By shanna

Unfair. Period.

Today, after I missed my last 3 periods, my mom grounded me for "getting pregnant" and refuses to believe anything else. I'm 15 and never had sex in my life. FML

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4522

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205

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By helpme - United States - Irvine

Today, as part of a charity project called Operation Valentine, I worked with 150 other volunteers to make care packages and Valentine's Day cards to send to the troops in Afghanistan, thanking them for their courage. My boyfriend called the cards "cheating" and now refuses to see me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellefontaine

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he's convinced wearing boxer briefs instead of panties makes me a lesbian. FML

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23420

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By pokèscared - 10/3/2020 05:00

Go away

Today, the creepy dude I’d been desperately trying to avoid was able to figure out which building I work in, the general vicinity of my house and which restaurants I frequent. He learned all this by the gifts I sent, not knowing it was him, on the Pokémon Go app. FML

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1491

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507

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML

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50744

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was walking home down a small street while listening to my iPod. I really got into the music, and started to dance really badly, only to realise there was a car following me, trying to get past. FML

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9196

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By Gabby - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing Oregon Trail online. I googled "dysentery", and sent her an IM about the mind-blowing number of cartoons of people violently shitting everywhere. I accidentally sent it to my aunt. FML

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8347

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By mollyeyers - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML

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38828

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3495

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By oops - Canada - Okotoks

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

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76399

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By Jesse - United States

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

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15758

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By upsetandunjustified - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

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26762

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6337

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By Aberrombie Blue - United States - Durham

Today, I was at my little girl's concert. She plays the clarinet, and in the middle of her solo, her phone started ringing. She decided to stop, check her phone, and continue playing. FML

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47791

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By JZ - New Zealand

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

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33832

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By Andrew - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

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36363

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewes

Today, the only way I could get my boyfriend to come over for a serious discussion was to heavily imply I wanted to talk about having a threesome. In actual fact, I just wanted to break up with him face-to-face, because he barely acknowledges my existence unless he's horny. FML

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27256

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2636

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By davy0540 - United States

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

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31955

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9777

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By sarahrachel - United States - Albuquerque

Today, while in the airport waiting to board, I got the sudden urge to pee, so I ran to the bathroom feeling like my bladder was about to burst. I was so focused on relieving my bladder that I failed to notice the diarrhea covering the toilet seat and the wall behind it until I was sitting in it. FML

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24937

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By sad_gay - United States

Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver. They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. FML

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108009

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving, I realized I had left my phone on top of my car when I was getting in. Panicking, I drove back to look for it. I found it in the middle of the street, still intact. Yay! When I went back to my car, I noticed I had locked my door. And the keys were in the ignition. FML

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18075

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By Dave - United States

Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML

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4977

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2512

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By soph511 - France - Hy?res

Today, I woke up to find my cat has gone into heat. Her favorite thing to do right now is sticking her ass in my face and howling like a Nazgûl. FML

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24479

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By camerashyguy - United States - Longview

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

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36809

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8864

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By disturbed2103 - United States

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

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55652

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By still learning - Canada

Today, I cut myself while shaving my globes. My girlfriend now refuses to stop teasing me about being "fisted by Edward Scissorhands." FML

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25939

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7904

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By wrongcar - United States

Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML

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38183

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out I'm starting to get varicose veins, typical in older people who don't move enough. I'm 34 and I get 9 hours of exercise a week. FML

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1443

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136

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

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9098

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By CandyCrushAddict - United States - Wilson

Today, while having sex with my wife, my Candy Crush addiction hit me full force, and all I could do was think about possible moves I could make in the level I'm stuck on. FML

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26337

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50865

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friend sent me an instant message, telling me how excited she was that she was accepted to a FIT Summer Program. I told her I was so proud, and that she can finally lose that excess weight. She told me that she meant Fashion Institute of Technology. FML

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17646

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By Ishnar - 2/2/2021 05:01 - United States

PMS PSA

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

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302

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750

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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24126

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally weighed myself after going on a strict diet of only fruits, vegetables, and coffee. I gained weight. FML

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31111

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22405

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By Fredgruff - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

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25377

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6790

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

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26298

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1952

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

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21990

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3495

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By Steven - United Kingdom - Llanelli

Judgmental much?

Today, at a supermarket, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. She had 2 kids with her and they were buying school supplies. My cart was full of beer and snacks. After a chat, she left, not before saying, "I hope things get better for you." I have a job and a girlfriend. FML

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1506

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223

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and decided that I no longer give a fuck what I look like. Today is also the day a very attractive exchange student joined my private band lessons. FML

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24482

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12823

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By brownieswillneverbethesame - United States

Today, I was eating a brownie my grandmother had made, only to discover an inch long piece of what resembled dead skin in the middle of it. This discovery was only made after taking a bite and wondering why the consistency was wrong. FML

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32046

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Top comments

By Leeono | 26

#7686640 - Sunday 2 September 2018 9:52

Low blow man, low blow.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7691715 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 23:48

We don’t use that word anymore! It’s “little person,” you ret...*404: Page not found*

COMMENTS

By Leeono | 26

#7686640 - Sunday 2 September 2018 9:52

Low blow man, low blow.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7691715 - Tuesday 11 September 2018 23:48

We don’t use that word anymore! It’s “little person,” you ret...*404: Page not found*

By pjsr | 32

#7691720 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 0:10

That’s a little scary

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7691750 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 1:17

Who gets the short end of the stick now?! You do!

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#7691751 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 1:18

100% YDI! Seriously, it’s not even mid-September. Stop premature holiday decorating!!

Cali | 54

#7692123 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 17:01

Are you joking or serious? There are tons of year-round haunted houses.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7691813 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 6:12

the shortest ghosts are always the angriest

By skippydoda | 32

#7691859 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 8:39

Details are needed

By carlgrimes47 | 13

#7691926 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 10:45

You've gone and pissed off Chucky

By melisssa87 | 30

#7692051 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 15:05

Little people still has it in them, don’t mess with them or you end up with one leg

By Abbusser | 9

#7692059 - Wednesday 12 September 2018 15:33

We don't use that word. It's "Spectrally Accessible..."