Miscellaneous: Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 186

You deserved it 1 589

06/02/2009 00:55

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, "There's a child in this bar! There's a CHILD in this BAR!" She turns around. She was a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 108

You deserved it 55 294

Good kid

Mama's boy

Sharing is caring

05/08/2010 00:24

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 560

You deserved it 37 873

10/05/2018 01:30

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 251

You deserved it 207

05/11/2012 19:25

Spicy

Today, I looked up the side effects of the antidepressants I've recently started taking. Inability to orgasm is one of them. I can either not be depressed, or I can have an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 191

You deserved it 4 272

24/03/2019 18:00

Today, I tried to turn in a final exam online. When I went to check if it had been submitted Blackboard told me it did. My grade told a different story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 114

You deserved it 132

22/06/2011 08:13

Spicy

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 167

You deserved it 7 840

Official notice

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 08:01

Today, my daughter wrote a statement refusing to have to look after her brother in the event me and my husband die, then had it made into a legal document by a notary. I love my boy, but he's dumb as a rock and will probably be a lifelong burden to us, so I don’t even blame her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 232

16/08/2019 14:00

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 357

You deserved it 795

09/10/2009 21:34

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 595

You deserved it 2 174

28/06/2015 07:17

Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 814

You deserved it 4 586

25/12/2013 01:12

Today, I went to my dad's house for Christmas. Soon enough, my grandma had commented on how much weight I've gained, my aunt asked me why I'm still single, and my dad joined in by reminding me that I still haven't been accepted into college. Only three more days to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 169

You deserved it 3 677

02/08/2011 14:17

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 118

You deserved it 72 115

21/12/2016 23:13

Spicy

Today, I went to my parents house to secretly collect all of their home videos and convert them to DVDs as a Christmas gift. Among them I found a sex tape my parents had made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 645

You deserved it 3 577

17/02/2013 14:27

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 412

You deserved it 6 288

01/02/2013 09:19

Today, I told my parents that what I'd really like for my 21st birthday is the 1865 edition of the Memoirs of Saint-Simon in 22 volumes that I found online for $200, and have been wanting for months. They laughed and said, "Yeah, right. We'll get you an iPhone and perhaps you'll become normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 457

You deserved it 9 730

18/12/2011 19:31

Today, after spending hours wrapping the presents for Christmas, I came back into the room to find that my dog had lost his toy, knocked over all the presents, and was frantically ripping at everything to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 071

You deserved it 3 524

12/07/2013 16:35

Today, I received a text from my dad, which was borderline-incomprehensible due to an insane amount of text language. I replied, jokingly asked if he had a stroke while writing it. A few seconds after hitting send, I remembered the stroke he suffered last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 732

You deserved it 54 745

01/12/2010 20:18

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, the elderly lady in front of me had forgotten to pay for her milk. In the spirit of the season, I paid for it and wished her happy holidays. She snatched the milk and gave me an ugly look. Then huffed at me before stomping off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 278

You deserved it 3 783

03/11/2013 07:21

Today, I got knocked over at the park by a rampant dog. My fiancé stood by laughing his ass off as I repeatedly tried to stand up, only to be knocked back down again. I'm seven months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 703

You deserved it 5 140

12/09/2015 00:54

Today, I found a folder on my boyfriend's computer called "Facebook". It turned out to be a collection of thousands of photos from his female friends' accounts. It was all sorted into folders like "Big Tits", "Blonde", "Cameltoe", "Feet", and "Jailbait". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 186

You deserved it 2 851

07/03/2014 02:52

Today, I went to an auction for the first time. When the run-down house I wanted to bid for came up, I opened bidding at £12,000 and surprisingly won. Feeling pleased, I turned to the person next to me and said, "Lucky me!" She replied, "Yes, lucky you!" and then under her breath said, "Cockhead". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 132

You deserved it 9 304

Too. Much. Information.

By knnev - 05/09/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my mother that she needed to buy a new mattress, telling her that we could hear the springs rattling every time she had sex with my dad. She then went on to explain that that is why they have sex on my bed when I'm not home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 346

You deserved it 138

24/02/2011 10:34

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 161

You deserved it 7 028

Us neither, dude

By Buzzing Confusion - 17/09/2021 13:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that the mother of my children named her vibrator after me. We are together and have not had sex in over 18 months. I have no idea what to do with this information. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 172

28/03/2013 16:24

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 171

You deserved it 60 531

13/04/2011 02:20

Today, I watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, thinking "wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I'd been watching my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 611

You deserved it 40 908

24/01/2015 01:02

Spicy

Today, my dad uploaded his porn collection onto our family server. My mom was convinced I did it and sat me down for a long talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 883

You deserved it 2 419

06/06/2013 12:38

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 254

You deserved it 4 385

25/04/2014 21:21

Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 115

You deserved it 11 213

09/11/2011 20:00

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 846

You deserved it 7 306

Thank God For VPN

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 15:59

Today, the government of my country banned Twitter because Twitter deleted one of our president's tweets yesterday. Democratic government, indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 145

05/06/2013 17:02

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 849

You deserved it 4 379

02/01/2013 07:28

Today, I got fired from my job because I "look too grumpy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 446

You deserved it 10 185

30/08/2009 23:35

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were starting to get in the mood. I get on top of him, lean down to kiss him, and he begins to laugh. Puzzled, I ask him why. He tells me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I remind him of a cow, with 'udders' . Offended, I go to get off. 'No no' he protests, 'a SEXY cow'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 555

You deserved it 5 392

Better out than in

By Rachael - 03/07/2021 06:01

Today, I had my German oral exam. It was going well, until halfway through I did the biggest burp I could have ever imagined. I don't even know how to say sorry in German. FML

I agree, your life sucks 602

You deserved it 177

28/05/2012 14:05

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 101

You deserved it 3 346

03/11/2010 11:23

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 141

You deserved it 60 579

06/02/2009 18:25

Spicy

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 702

You deserved it 52 478

21/02/2010 00:03

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 212

You deserved it 4 150

11/10/2014 14:43

Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 949

You deserved it 3 460

Blabbermouth

By betray the betrayer - 10/10/2020 17:02

Today, after a lifetime of my mom being a huge gossip, even about her own kids, and lying about being the one spreading it around, my siblings and I have decided to stop telling my mom things. Now she lays these huge guilt trips on us, just because we don’t want the world to know our business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 77

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Friday 6 February 2009 19:31

being under 5 ft myself, this sorta things happens to me. it's worse for the little person than for you, get over yourself.

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Friday 27 November 2009 13:18

Idiot

Comments

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Friday 6 February 2009 19:31

being under 5 ft myself, this sorta things happens to me. it's worse for the little person than for you, get over yourself.

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Saturday 14 February 2009 12:59

i would say the term "little person" is just as, if not more offensive than "midget". The correct nomenclature is "dwarf" assholes.

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Tuesday 3 March 2009 10:52

I'm 6'0", but knew a 14-year-old who was about 6'7" (or was it 6'5"?) I would take that as a compliment as I'd want to look younger. (But it's best if they say, "There's a high schooler in this bar!") On the other hand, if a bar bouncer starts not to check my ID, then that's a passive insult to how old I look.

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Thursday 19 March 2009 2:31

#13 That is toooottally something i would have done if i WASNT drunk... and i would still do it if i even knew it was a little person ahhah

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Friday 27 November 2009 13:18

Idiot

RenoTheRhino 30

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Monday 11 November 2013 3:10

Dick.

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Thursday 19 March 2009 15:00

Haha this is funny, the same thing happened to me in a bar, except for I was extra drunk and a little person like ran across the front of me and I went "AHHHHHH", I dont why , but I think its funny . haha .

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Friday 27 April 2012 4:45

"Someone get these motherfucking children out of this motherfucking bar!"

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 6:27

I know a chick who is 4'10" and could totally kick you ass. She's a hockey player.

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Friday 17 April 2009 8:03

RETARD

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Monday 25 May 2009 7:27

At least you were looking out for the "kid"... with a crappy turnout

girlnamedkris 0

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Sunday 7 June 2009 7:25

Oh for the love of god! USING THE WORD 'PROCEEDED' DOES NOT MAKE YOU SOUND SMARTER OR MAKE THIS FUNNIER. Freaking everyone uses it in their FML's for some dumb reason, but what's worse is that it is used inappropriately. Learn English. It may have been funny once, but as with all things funny, it doesn't become more humorous with repetition. You're beating a dead horse here. Jesus.

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Wednesday 6 October 2010 20:06

Isn't the defanition of proceeded to go from one thing to another? If so, it's right. The first event was going to the bar then they proceeded to get waisted. One event to the next.

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Saturday 10 November 2012 23:55

*Wasted* *definition* I find it truly humorous when people try to correct someone else's grammar and end up failing worse than the person they were correcting

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Friday 22 April 2016 0:25

The word proceeded was not in this FML at all.

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Sunday 7 June 2009 20:25

You. Are. An. Ass. Unless you apologized. Then you are just a dumbass.