Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat....

By Remember the parking brake - 06/10/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 135

You deserved it 37 004

Intimacy

Stop talking!

Dick move

World's best babysitter

By anon - 25/09/2015 04:43 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I told my grandma my boyfriend had cheated on me. She told me that it was my fault for not straightening my hair, and for gaining a few pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 453

You deserved it 2 887

By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 374

You deserved it 3 041

By anon - 30/06/2016 17:33 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my father got out of rehab for his alcoholism. This would be great if he hadn't started drinking the moment he got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 833

You deserved it 687

By Anonymous - 18/04/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Eynsham

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 993

You deserved it 9 859

Nice guy

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 11:00

Today, I found out that I need a hysterectomy. When I told my boyfriend of 2 years, he broke up with me, because he didn't have time to "coddle my feelings". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 052

You deserved it 62

By Hm - 20/03/2015 00:54 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 884

You deserved it 2 290

By Anonymous - 21/11/2011 16:23 - United States

Today, while watching a man in front of me on the bus remove his cap to scratch his noggin, I noticed the swarm of dandruff that was about to nail me in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 396

You deserved it 2 504

By AlexK - 18/06/2009 23:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 151

You deserved it 65 271

Going medieval

By hurley - 27/02/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 987

You deserved it 9 910

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 06:12 - United States - Amelia

Today, my brother thought New Year's would be more epic and memorable if the fireworks were set off in the family room and not outside. It is memorable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 241

You deserved it 3 587

By Anonymous - 29/06/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, my parents booked my 18th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 223

You deserved it 8 321

By Noname - 22/02/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 379

You deserved it 76 340

By figcurzyez - 23/05/2016 15:57 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 931

You deserved it 2 297

By mommylife - 15/04/2015 04:17 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my 3-year-old broke his glasses, clogged the toilet with Hot Wheel cars, and covered the whole house with Cheerios. All in a matter of roughly 6 minutes while I was putting laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 735

You deserved it 3 938

By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 13:34

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 539

You deserved it 2 645

By barebackingit - 04/11/2013 19:17 - Canada - Kanata

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 679

You deserved it 11 782

Squits

By fishtities - 07/04/2016 04:56 - United States - Dallas

Today, as a reward for starting to eating healthy, I got the squits at work. After going to the restroom, my stall didn't have toilet paper, the other two stalls didn't have any either. My boss definitely noticed too when he walked in on me with my pants around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 649

You deserved it 1 724

Badass

By Boyufd - 30/08/2021 18:01

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after 3 years. Why, do you ask? Turns out her dad used to bully my dad in highschool and my dad kicked his ass after all this time and sent him to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 77

Return to sender

By PolarBear2020 - 16/04/2021 23:05

Today, I was notified by my bank that the government stimulus check I had deposited last week had been returned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 60

By trice - 08/05/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 292

You deserved it 4 291

By Che_likes_you - 12/12/2014 15:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 065

You deserved it 2 837

Doing it on the company dime

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 17:00

Today, at work, I hooked up with a gorgeous customer in a storage shed. Somehow all my coworkers knew within five minutes, so there’s that, but my direct manager now won’t even look at me because apparently he fancied me himself, but didn’t realise I was a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 437

You deserved it 1 261

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 13:04 - Malta

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196 150

You deserved it 34 587

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 09:01 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, I worked 24 hours straight fixing my company's servers. After it was over, I breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly fell asleep at my desk. My boss found me an hour later, refused to listen to me, and fired me for sleeping on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 517

You deserved it 4 649

By Rollymouth - 02/09/2010 01:26 - France

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 784

You deserved it 8 404

Gross

By clips - 16/02/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, I was on the bus. I heard a click right before something small hit my cheek. I looked over to see the lady next to me cutting her long, dirty fingernails. The bus was too crowded to move and It was a 20 minute ride to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 886

You deserved it 2 584

By bipbip - 12/11/2008 07:53 - France

Today, at work, I received an email telling me that viewing porn websites was prohibited and was a good enough reason to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 318

You deserved it 68 594

Pranked

By Hakimstah - 21/04/2012 17:38 - Lebanon

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 657

You deserved it 4 470

Relax

By Anonymoosey - 19/02/2012 23:47 - Canada

Today, I found out that my favorite song since I was a small child is actually about anal sex and delaying an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 172

You deserved it 5 284

By daddy's girl - 22/01/2013 04:08 - United States - Springfield

Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 599

You deserved it 3 098

By Anonymous - 07/04/2014 00:20 - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 880

You deserved it 3 540

By jenabp - 03/01/2011 18:56 - United States

Today, while changing my clothes, my 3 year old daughter informed me that I looked like a zebra. Noticing my shocked face, she tried comforting me by telling me I was a pretty zebra because I was a purple zebra. She was talking about my stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 748

You deserved it 4 599

By Anonymous - 03/03/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 967

You deserved it 5 433

By lesousterre - 15/07/2015 18:06 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 817

You deserved it 2 628

Thanks, gran…

By Joe - 03/04/2011 07:33 - Australia

Today, I went with my beautiful fiancée to tell her grandmother, who's a bit senile, that we were engaged. Her response: "I know he's very nice, but think about the chubby little ugly children he'll give you". This was followed by a recollection of her ex-boyfriends who would've fathered attractive kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 748

You deserved it 3 206

Bittersweet

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 05:58

Today, I, a woman, realized that only women find me attractive, which is fine, except that I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 71

Bad guy (duh)

By Anonymous - 17/06/2020 20:01

Today, I had to fake enthusiasm when my girlfriend told me she's pregnant. She has a nasty streak and I was planning to break up with her, but if I left her now everyone would think I’m the bad guy. And I actually think she’s capable of killing me if she gets angry enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 016

You deserved it 840

By lonesome - 28/04/2013 05:23 - Canada

Today, my whole family made an hour-long drive to a restaurant that's just a few minutes away from my place. I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 503

You deserved it 3 413

By Anonymous - 01/10/2010 13:47 - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 739

You deserved it 33 589

Nice girl

By Lithiac - 04/02/2014 06:16 - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 501

You deserved it 4 806

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Top comments

FMLephant 2

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:11

You don't make love in the car, you Fuck in the car!

Jessi2487 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:08

need insurance? there's an app for that.

Jessi2487 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:08

need insurance? there's an app for that.

kwmfl 4

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:20

Stop saying there's an app for everything. We already know!

H8rSk8r 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:20

I hope that pole had insurance...

Jessi2487 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:24

12- i wanna make sure everyone knows! gosh!

blocparty 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:41

i know she probably had her hands full, but she could have just pulled the stick that stops the action too. <3

Schizomaniac 24

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:03

Silly number 13, poles cannot have insurance.

Mylees 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:04

#13funny,#1 yeah this app thing is getting annoying

Sanchez2021 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:40

What a square!!!

Raheem7 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 12:12

Getting Jessi to stfu with the "theres an app for that" stuff, I guess theres not an app for that.

bbyiitsCANDY 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 12:29

lol xD

missmurderx 8

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Thursday 7 October 2010 13:30

hello, number one. I have the same necklace as you. twins?! :) :P

benny2465 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 5:15

13 nope ops gf will need more poles to afford that

Morpheus414 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 8:45

XD Rock the house. Luvin' must be good!

thecrazyasian 3

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Friday 8 October 2010 8:48

is there an app for u to MSG me ;)

DancinChikk 0

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Monday 14 November 2011 5:16

What isnt there an app for!??

littlemissdqgirl 8

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:08

wow, lol. Forget the parking brake?

paid2think 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:09

Lol or maybe they were both fat and moved it side to side :p

littlemissdqgirl 8

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:17

lol! sad! It could happen tho I'm sure. Yiks:/

thecrazyasian 3

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Friday 8 October 2010 8:46

if the pic is really you your rly pretty

kaitlinthecutie 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:08

1st?

brennboo 3

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:10

nope sorry better luck next time :)

rpvia 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:10

which "pole" did your girlfriend notice more

FMLephant 2

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:11

You don't make love in the car, you Fuck in the car!

blocparty 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:43

you got it wrong mate, guys fuck in cars, women make love in cars.

cbr600_fml 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:00

20-you are wrong my friend everybody fucks in a car. you make love on a bed with candles and rose pedals all over the place.

fits138 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:05

that's what I was thinking! bahaha

destineydeon 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 13:44

I was thinking the same thing. and this sounds fake.

Taipan_fml 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 17:23

Making love depends more upon who you're with, not where you are.

SixDeuce 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 18:01

Thank you! Amen

neonsugarXx 0

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Friday 11 March 2011 3:06

32=win x3

molil_4810 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:15

YFDI!!! but that is hilarious !!

DLTsandwich 5

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:06

Your picture terrifies me...even without all the doodles on it, it would terrify me. *shivers*

Mylees 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:06

omg what did you do to Miley!!

Mylees 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:08

omg what did you do to Miley!!

molil_4810 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 10:40

;)

IAreStarfeesh 0

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Friday 8 October 2010 6:35

A wild Miley has appeared! Charizard, cast mountain! OH NOES! She made it move!!!

iheartowls 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:16

That'll be a fun one to explain to your insurance company. I'd be so embarrassed, and probably lie.

drizzt6895 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:23

did you keep going after you hit the pole?

831_salas 0

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Thursday 7 October 2010 20:13

haha yes they were lyk "ehh, might as well"

stronghand0331 17

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Thursday 7 October 2010 22:41

62- I see your spelling hasn't improved at all

DrainedOfSanity 4

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:28

Get a room.

dreamering 16

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Thursday 7 October 2010 9:33

Was the car jerking off since it moved by itself?

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 47

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 480

You deserved it 122

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 44

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