Love: Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore....

By Sapphirlinda - 03/07/2010 23:25 - Netherlands

Today, my friend told me I'm not welcome in her house anymore. I've spent the last two months painting and doing it up for her, because she's pregnant and couldn't herself. I just finished the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 740

You deserved it 3 258

Love

Own it

Age difference

Run, run away pronto

By spandexwiener - 18/08/2012 16:27 - United States - Export

Today, I finally finished my summer assignments for three AP classes. My schedule also arrived. Turns out my school can't place me in any of them, and I just wasted the last four weeks of my summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 013

You deserved it 2 325

The Crying Game

By Anonymous - 30/09/2019 12:00

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 215

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 19:49 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at work, a kid rushed into the bathroom to vomit. Understandable, except he threw up into the sinks. Sinks plural, whose drain holes are so small that only liquid can really pass through. Guess who had to clean up vomit chunks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 401

You deserved it 3 803

By beat10 - 30/03/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 513

You deserved it 4 160

By LadyAlyxandrea - 14/07/2018 19:00

Today, I almost died after getting an epidural in my neck. The medicine paralyzed my entire body, including my diaphragm and lungs. The doctor tried to say it was a panic attack. I had turned blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 031

You deserved it 219

By Shooting myself - 10/02/2014 18:57 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, trying to do something nice for my brother, I filled up his truck's gas tank. I didn't realize until too late that it's a diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 245

You deserved it 22 097

By mother of piggies - 04/04/2018 15:00

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 025

You deserved it 396

By Popscene - 26/09/2012 09:06 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 297

You deserved it 2 914

By dino0123 - 12/12/2012 17:51 - United States - Herndon

Today, my very cheap boyfriend of four years proposed. I was overwhelmed with emotion, since he bought such a huge, seemingly-diamond ring. I was later overwhelmed with emotion when my finger turned green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 367

You deserved it 4 476

By Noname - 25/02/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 314

You deserved it 40 051

Cravings

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 147

You deserved it 11 080

By religionbites621 - 22/11/2011 17:18 - United States

Today, I found Jesus. The bad news, he was in the form of a concrete statue falling on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 485

You deserved it 3 534

By IT_4_Hire - 10/05/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 993

You deserved it 3 207

By Anna - 06/01/2012 11:25 - United States

Today, my dad decided that he shouldn't have to wear clothes in the privacy of his own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 231

You deserved it 3 363

By Anonymous - 25/04/2013 20:36 - United States - Montgomery Village

Today, my sister was crying to me about how her boyfriend never showed up for their date. He's done this many times before, so I suggested the fact that maybe he'd just ditched her. She said that was ridiculous, because "he's Canadian" and according to her, "they don't lie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 285

You deserved it 5 384

By thathurt - 29/03/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, my college economics class had a big test. We all needed a scantron sheet, but some people forgot some. I had an extra one and this really hot girl offered to buy it for $1.00. I said I'd give it to her for her number. She looked around and asked "Does anyone else have an extra?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 037

You deserved it 29 996

By Rae - 02/10/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 210

You deserved it 2 793

By goldenshower - 05/02/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 472

You deserved it 56 364

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 181

You deserved it 2 687

By Gabriel A - 15/01/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 242

You deserved it 84 108

By nicchick411 - 27/03/2011 15:17 - United States

Today, it's my birthday and my kids made me a card. Unfortunately, my kids used the wall for paper. Now I have red and blue crayon all over my bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 141

You deserved it 8 085

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 00:11 - United States

Today, after having spent days working on it, I finished off a really elaborate seasonal greetings card for my boss. When I gave it to him, he took one look at it, flicked it in his trash can and said, "Fuck off, Steve." So much for a Christmas bonus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 474

You deserved it 19 013

By wheel 4 - 01/12/2017 05:00

Today, I went out with my best friend, his girlfriend, and a girl they've been wanting to introduce to me. I thought they wanted to set us up, but it turns out they're a throuple and wanted me to be the first to know. I think I'm the first fourth wheel in history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 231

You deserved it 363

By Etrius - 17/08/2014 15:19 - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 261

You deserved it 7 149

In for the long haul

By PoopyNuts - 18/09/2020 23:01

Today, my very financially stable grandparents bought my girlfriend and I two first class tickets on Air Emirates, which to me is a once in a lifetime opportunity. To my dismay, my colon did not approve of the peanuts and I spent the whole flight shitting out what seemed to be molten rocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 254

You deserved it 162

By Anonymous - 04/05/2011 21:53 - Ireland

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 920

You deserved it 28 712

By Lisa - 19/09/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 869

You deserved it 5 680

By notyourmummy - 12/11/2015 09:09 - United Kingdom - Ryde

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 748

You deserved it 3 304

By Marco - 01/04/2013 21:00 - United States

Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 969

You deserved it 45 417

Practical

By Abused - 13/10/2010 08:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 820

You deserved it 20 047

By Anonymous - 07/09/2012 22:59 - Australia - Redland Bay

Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 497

You deserved it 5 000

By Username - 01/04/2011 17:50 - United States

Today, my friend called me at work to tell me that someone had hit my motorcycle and that it was in pretty bad shape. I chuckled and waited for the "April fools" that would follow. A picture of my wrecked bike came instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 925

You deserved it 3 781

By f-ugly - 25/03/2013 18:36 - United States

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 134

You deserved it 4 532

By Sudokori - 07/09/2017 01:30

Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 176

You deserved it 255

Priorities

By elly - 08/04/2021 14:00

Today, I broke my toe and screamed, "Fuck!" My mom heard and yelled at me for swearing, while I laid on the floor in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 144

By onthemarket - 08/09/2010 19:46 - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 509

You deserved it 4 150

By jai90 - 03/02/2014 21:16 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 154

You deserved it 3 808

By GildedByVices - 24/12/2016 08:12 - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 331

You deserved it 693

Tinder surprise

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 21:30

Today, I was hitting it off pretty well with a girl I met through a dating app. However, she's never going to speak to me again because I also happened to "match" with her friend. How was I supposed to know they knew each other? FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 215

By Chad - 14/08/2010 17:37 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 801

You deserved it 4 045

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Top comments

palatapus 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:03

Doesn't sound like a friend to me.

canadaxkid 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:03

Aww, REVENGE

canadaxkid 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:03

Aww, REVENGE

eeeeeeee 5

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:05

Maybe you did a shit job -- ever think of that?

canadaxkid 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:06

You make a good point #6

Ali_Br_fml 33

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:07

I smell someone being USED!!!

Miss_Represented 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:11

What a biatch. What you did was a nice gesture, bad or not she should show some appreciation.

ZoroFresh 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:25

fire can solve your problem

ZoroFresh 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:27

on a serious note: now you know she's a bitch that you shouldn't be fuckin with

Remo_Rockin 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:35

beat her future child with a bat while shes still pregnant... it'll teach her AND future generations your the one that's CRAZY

Nena713 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:37

TP and egg her house. Also, paint "bitch" somewhere on the outside of her house. 

epiccarrot 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:48

lol pregnacy mood swing.

Chickenfoot117 6

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Sunday 4 July 2010 10:09

Maybe she just wanted to say, "Get the hell off my lawn!" I know I want to say that.

torontobuds 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 10:46

27 that was funny

sparky1079 2

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Sunday 4 July 2010 11:52

I agree with 10 - I'd be taking her off the 'friends' list.

andruha1123 5

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Sunday 4 July 2010 12:05

smear shit on her walls.... baby green works best

7mood75 7

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Sunday 4 July 2010 13:12

Agree with 20.

Sapphirlinda 4

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Sunday 4 July 2010 15:08

No, didn't do a shit job!

sukhdeep 4

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Sunday 4 July 2010 16:52

good point 6 lol yep

6969awesome 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 17:31

charge her extra for the job and start smoking around her

stewpididiot 11

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Sunday 4 July 2010 19:03

did she catch you sniffing her laundry ?

TurboTalon 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 20:36

31 is right.. pregnant bitches be crazy!

ladiesman14 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 21:37

bitch ! emo women like that always have miscarriages. hope she does.

xBangOut 4

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Monday 5 July 2010 9:25

FALCON PUNCH!

te_amo_ily 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:03

whyy would she say thaat

Brownstranger19 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:09

you probaby slept with her husband. she's not telling the full story.

OwNowBrownCow 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:15

Usually, OPs try to make it seem like they did nothing wrong.

Ctwebsyter 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:57

I was thinking the same thing hsha

krisfersays 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 11:38

Why the hell do teenagers double random letters now? Thiss looks sso sstupiid. Are you hissing?!

cchevy 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 14:40

wow you're super cute #2

Tasanasanta 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 17:26

It's a way of trying to type like you woukd talk. Like drawing out certain letters in a word.... or it's a typo. Who can tell?

RachelBerry_fml 5

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Sunday 18 July 2010 3:34

47- Itt Roxx !

palatapus 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:03

Doesn't sound like a friend to me.

Randen_fml 0

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Saturday 2 October 2010 3:54

Used. Don't be so pathetic next time.

22cute 17

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Saturday 1 October 2011 17:16

Sounds like you left out a BIG chunk of information. Like what you said or did to make her abandon your friendship.

djaeb2001 3

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:04

what a bitch!

pawpaw_fml 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:05

Does she have stairs because I suggest you promptly boot her ass down them.

its_tuesday 6

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:05

ouch.

megamandude455 10

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:53

ARE THOSE PIERCINGS REAL????!!! HOLY HELL! that mustve hurt lika bitch

Remo_Rockin 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 11:38

HOLY SHIT DUDE!!!!!! where the heck has 32 been? it's 2010 the dimples and numerous lip piercings are quite generic nowadays. even the preppy ones are doin it in some places!!!!!

redbluegreen 40

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Sunday 4 July 2010 11:56

Yeah, really. They don't hurt too badly though. It all depends on your tolerance for pain.

ndizzle 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 22:07

Permanent facial scarring FTW!

sloop_fml 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:07

you must be a shitty painter

green_eyes124 0

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Sunday 4 July 2010 9:07

eh, pregnant women are just moody, but for good reasons! just give her a few days and shell call you bawling and just needing someone to talk to hehe if not, then she's a horrible "friend" : )