Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee, my dad suddenly rushed in, knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself. Then, my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to "put me out." FML
Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML
Today, I made scrambled eggs. Returning the rest of the carton, I tripped and spilled 10 raw eggs all over the inside of the fridge. The same fridge I spent 2 hours cleaning and scrubbing every drawer and shelf of yesterday. FML
Today. I was sitting up having coffee early in the morning, still half-asleep. My dad walked in, getting ready for work. He asked if that was my water sitting there. He thought it must've be his, so he took a big gulp. OMG, I'd forgotten I'd poured a glass of pure white vinegar last night. His face was absolutely hilarious. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML
Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML
Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML
Today, I helped my neighbor carry her groceries upstairs. One egg carton slipped from my hand and exploded in the sink. She stared at the mess, then at me, and said, “That's my omelet down the drain.” FML
Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML
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Top comments
Bobissmall 13
Was it an explosion? BRING ON THE THUMBS DOWN.
thisisafunnyname 12
Why would you get thumbed down? That was quite an eggcelent pun.
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Comments (98)
redsfan 4
My dad would to the same exact thing except he would leave a pizza in the oven over night...
j_ortiz27 7
Fy dads life. The man didn't get to eat eggs.
Rabidkid 14
He burned water! A new chemical genius!
Sargasm 4
Does he also claim to be allergic to peanuts?
hrun200 0
You're actually really lucky. My neighbor left some eggs on the stove by accident when he was in a rush and his house burned down.
mikagesouji 0
**** having children! Then, you can drink as much as you want, pass out on the couch with a dozen eggs boiling on the stove, and die in peace (assuming your kitchen is ultimately set on fire, thus burning down your own house with your lousy alcoholic self inside). Or, alternately, wake up to the mess OP found and have to clean it all by yourself. =)
Okayitwasme 0
My son decided to pop popcorn in the microwave with a plastic food cover still in side. He thought it was to put food on & not for covering food from splattering! The house stunk like burnt plastic popcorn for a week!
CyonideCyns 0
At least he didn't take all of your possessions and furniture apart and put it all in the backyard. Then again, you didn't salt his coffe, did you? But seriously, I wouldn't clean that shit up by myself, I'd make him get up and help me.
serenesavage1991 3
HAH! my dad has also done this!!! gotta love waking up to the smoke alarm going off at 4 am!!!!!!
popcorned 0
Atleast you were lucky that your house wasn't sat on fire...
False_Stupidity 42
*set on fire I wouldn't recommend sitting on fire, it burns a little