Kids: Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though,...

By Idontknowwhattodo - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

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Kids

Not having a good time, really

Stand up guy

Emergency room time

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

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By olive_costume - Australia

Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Bridget Jones? - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML

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By aloha - France

Today, I landed in Hawaii for my vacation. I have a really bad ear infection, and to top my day off, my girlfriend blurted out mid-flight that she thinks we're not going to work out. Aloha! FML

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By Cob - United States

Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML

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By cantwin - Belgium - Zwevegem

Today, I visited my grandma. Shortly after I arrived, she freaked out after finding a "snake" in her closet. It was a rubber snake that my brother must have put there yesterday as a prank. I picked it up and told her it was fake. She then yelled at me for playing such a disgusting prank on her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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By birdiebeth13 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was ringing in a customer I noticed that the Febreeze spray can was wet. Noticing this I sniffed my hands because they had gotten wet and said to the customer, "Oh the can is leaking want to go get another one?" He then said, "No it's OK, I just sweat a lot." I sniffed some customer's sweat. FML

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By tishihish - United States

Today, I walked into the Macy's bathroom to find Santa taking a dump with the door open. Merry Christmas. FML

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By ihateveganism - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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By worksux - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By dasbooot - United States

Today, I finally got my cast taken off my leg after a long month of crutches. I was so excited, until four dead spiders fell out. FML

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By LyricalTragedy

Nice to know

Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML

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By damgoose - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

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By eyesightfail - United States

Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

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By Karie-Rose - United States

Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching a 3.5 year old girl. She begged and begged me to come in the jacuzzi with her, and when I put on my 2-piece bathing suit on, the young girl asked me why my stomach looked like a bagel. I looked down just to realize she was right. FML

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By fat and alone - United States - Birmingham

Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML

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By Animal cruelty - Australia

Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML

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By thatCanadianGuy7 - Canada

Today, I got beaten up by my ex-girlfriend's older brother who does mixed martial arts, because my ex saw me making out with another girl. We broke up over 6 months ago. FML

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By ohjoy - United States

Today, a friend and I attempted to jump the 7-foot high fence around his gated community because he'd left his keys. He made it. I didn’t. My shorts caught on the top of the fence, so I was forced to dangle there on a busy street until my Dad came and helped. But only after taking a picture. FML

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By awesome - United States

Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML

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By Kristache - Canada

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

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By papertrains - Singapore

Today, I went to the hospital to get my ingrown toenail removed. The doctors put me on a little surgery table and told me to relax. They then injected anesthetic into my toe four times and used a pair of scissors to slowly cut through my nail. Only, the anesthetic hadn't started to work just yet. FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, I was working at a grocery store and a man came to my register to ask for the price of a mop. I took the mop from him to scan it without realizing the pole was between his legs. I hit him in the crotch with the pole. FML

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By Doglover - United Kingdom

Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

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By The Selfie Parent - Canada - Mount Pearl

Today, I looked at my twelve-year-old daughter's test. One of the question was, "When is a good time to worry about your parents?" Her answer was, "When they take selfies, because selfies aren't made for old people." FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By Droolgirl - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant. I was drinking some water when I noticed a hot guy eating alone at another table waving at me. I smiled back, but had forgotten to swallow the water so it dribbled out of my mouth all over my shirt. FML

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By Kyle - United Kingdom

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

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By KillMeNow - United States - Houston

Today, my visiting mother-in-law announced she plans on moving to our state and living next door. When I said that's not going to happen, she chuckled and said, "It's happening, Kate." Kate is my husband's ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. FML

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By Babysitter Probs - United States - Fresno

Today, the 8 year old that I babysit every week told me that it was sad that I didn't have a boyfriend while he has a girlfriend. I got burned by a 3rd grader. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 8 year-old niece and I were arguing over how many letters were in the alphabet. Guess who was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

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By Atomic_Tangerine - United States

Today, my mom, sister, and I were talking about a friend's girlfriend. My sister's opinion of her was that she was cute but not hot. My mom agreed, saying that she didn't think that someone without boobs could EVER be hot. She then looked at me and said "no offense." FML

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By Marleck - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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Top comments

By thatnucca | 36

#5646175 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:02

If she's old enough to drive and crush a car, then she's old enough to start taking responsibility for her actions. Let her get a part-time job to at least help you pay for the personal damages.

By fancyturdhat | 11

#5646171 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:00

Since when does insurance not cover that which you crash into?

COMMENTS

By CaptMurdock | 25

#5646170 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:00

Garage sales suck anyway. I just hope they didn't actually have anything nice in there.

tanekdrachonae | 19

#5646184 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:05

I agree and would like to add, at least she didn't hit a person.

jolie21 | 18

#5646222 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:15

That's one way of crashing a garage sale

K410 | 18

#5646223 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:16

Women ffs driving isn't that hard -.-

Welshite | 39

#5646234 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:23

Look, guys, another sexist!

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5646312 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 17:23

#26 It's been moderated. Now I'm itching to know what he said and figure out how far I should metaphorically shove my foot up his ass. :(

Shy_Anne | 10

#5647041 - Wednesday 28 August 2013 4:50

That's a funny place to crash

Debragga99 | 6

#5651300 - Saturday 31 August 2013 1:07

58 You ruined it. I hope you're happy.

By fancyturdhat | 11

#5646171 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:00

Since when does insurance not cover that which you crash into?

niallo | 23

#5646264 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:48

Agreed. Insurance is primarily to protect other people and their property. Unless the stuff at the garage sale was really crap.

TheDrifter | 23

#5646329 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 17:42

Basic insurance here is plpd (public liability and property damage) covering your vehicle in an at fault situation is optional, reimbursing those you injured (financially or physically) isn't.

By gavagoul | 10

#5646172 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:01

Time to take away the phone

ColdplaySucks | 18

#5646221 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:15

Forget the phone, revoke her driving privilages.

gavagoul | 10

#5646398 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 18:52

Why not both :D

narrowords | 18

#5646950 - Wednesday 28 August 2013 2:53

Amen. Lucky she didn't kill someone or herself.

By jc10x | 8

#5646173 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:01

Wow, I would make her pay for it.

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5646174 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:01

Happy buying!!

By thatnucca | 36

#5646175 - Tuesday 27 August 2013 16:02

If she's old enough to drive and crush a car, then she's old enough to start taking responsibility for her actions. Let her get a part-time job to at least help you pay for the personal damages.