Transportation: Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML - FML

By LilaTheGreat - United States - Boyd

Today, I got into a car crash, in my own garage. FML

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Commando

On yer bike

Make it work

By pancakessdsjsn - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML

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By Booooolette - France - Beauvais

Today, I managed to fracture my shoulder blade and dislocate my shoulder, just by falling off a deckchair. FML

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By Michele - United States

Today, while babysitting a six year old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his pants/undies and pointed to his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

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By DaisyMay - United States

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

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By

Today, I got pulled over for violating hands-free law and not having an updated address on my driver's license. Two days ago, I got pulled over for the same reasons. Now, I have four tickets I need to deal with. FML

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By FootFlakes - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

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By framed - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I was chatting with a new guy at work. He cracked a joke about me and I jokingly gave him a light push on the shoulder. Half a second after I touched him, he threw himself back and hit the floor yelling in "pain". Now I'm suspended because of this psycho. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

I'm a weirdo, I'm a creep

Today, I was sitting behind some bushes in the dark enjoying the view, when some cops came and confiscated my night-vision goggles, then warned me for acting like a "creepy perv." FML

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By TKPhai - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents, my aunt and her husband went out to dinner. There, my aunt told us that she was pregnant, and out of instinct, I asked her who the father is. FML

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By shoveless - United States

Today, I came home from school to find my house ransacked. The robbers shoveled a path from my back door to the driveway, through the snow, then they stole my snow-shovel. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plano

Today, I arrived at my grandparents'. They already had guests so I had to sleep in the cottage. It wasn’t that bad until when I was making the bed I found a dead rotting possum in the blankets. When I told my grandmother, she simply said, "Deal with it, wimp." FML

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By jess - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

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By Female Struggles - United States - Denver

Today, while I was waiting at the bus stop, a car that looked like my mom's pulled up. Thinking it was actually her, I walked up and jokingly asked what she was into. The guy inside now thinks that I'm a prostitute. FML

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By Emily

Today, a man was struggling up some slippery steps with a pram, when his sunglasses fell from his head. I hurried to pick them up for him, as he had no free hands, but instead accidentally stood on them, snapping them in half. FML

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By treegirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By Jennifer - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

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By Frouse

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk. I quietly went up behind him and slapped him hard on the back while yelling "What's up, loser?!" He turned around. It wasn't my uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my dad came to my 8-year-old daughter's birthday party wearing a shirt that said "Small penis, huge dick." FML

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By can't shut my mouth - United States - Houston

Manage your way out of that one

Today, after a string of crappy employees had come and gone over the month, I was joking to my manager that maybe we should move the "Now Hiring" sign further away from the trash can so we'd stop getting garbage hires. The new girl was right behind me. I'll be her trainer all week. FML

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By LonerCow - United States

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

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By iworkatofficedepothomes - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child-sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML

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By didntknowyoucouldbreakit - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I was fiddling around with the thermostat at my new place. For a laugh, I twisted the knob all the way to 40° celsius, when it snapped off. I don't have a clue how to fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 14:31 - India - Delhi

Bladdered

Today, while playing cards, with my dad, mom and sister, I excused myself to go to the bathroom several times just to secretly chat with my crush. I laughed so hard at a joke that I wet my pants. My family thinks I need to see a doctor because I was going to the bathroom so often between card games. FML

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By sarah_sad - United States

Today, I went to the gym with two of my friends expecting to pay a guest fee but the cute guy working at the front desk let me in for free. On the way out after working out I started to flirt with him and he said "Don't flatter yourself, I just let you in because I'm lazy." FML

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By Tigerninjagoalie - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was accused of shop-lifting by an old lady in a supermarket. Having proven myself innocent, I tried to storm off to show my displeasure at the situation. In my haste to make a dramatic exit, I tried to go out of the entrance and walked straight into the automatic door. FML

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By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - United States - San Francisco

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

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By catlady5569 - United States

Today, my sister came over for a visit. I was going to surprise her with the news that I had spontaneously gotten a cat. The first thing she told me when she came in was that she ran over my neighbor's cat. None of my neighbors have cats. FML

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By cderr - United States

Today, my sister found out she contracted ringworm and scabies from her best friend's rescued kittens. The entire family now has to be treated to prevent it from spreading. There are 7 people in our house and none of us have health insurance. FML

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By UnluckyInk - United States - Manlius

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

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By Anonymous

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

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By wowsucks - United States

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it snowed. So, a guy I like and I decided to go sledding. I really wanted to impress him by going down the hill and casually slowing down at the bottom right at his feet. Instead, I crashed into him and broke his ankle. FML

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By flatchested Sam - United States - Radcliff

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

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By hinting - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

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Top comments

By sunnyt | 5

#5480459 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:07

Gas instead of brake? I think we've all had one of those moments.

By LGuard | 13

#5480457 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:06

We could do with details on how. If you hopped in and decided to assault the wall then YDI. If not, well I'm struggling to think of how it couldn't be your own fault as you should always check obstacles, selected gear, etc. before you try going anywhere.

COMMENTS

By MotleyManiac | 7

#5480452 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:04

How is that even possible? Did the lawn mower T-Bone you?

By LGuard | 13

#5480457 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:06

We could do with details on how. If you hopped in and decided to assault the wall then YDI. If not, well I'm struggling to think of how it couldn't be your own fault as you should always check obstacles, selected gear, etc. before you try going anywhere.

Reply

Roskosity | 22

#5480736 - Monday 6 May 2013 14:33

It wasn't your fault though, right?

Reply

soccerstar1996 | 18

#5480805 - Monday 6 May 2013 15:51

*Cue ancient aliens guy*

She crashed because..."Aliens"

Reply

feelingold | 18

#5481286 - Monday 6 May 2013 22:31

Final score? Wall 1 : Idiot 0.

By sunnyt | 5

#5480459 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:07

Gas instead of brake? I think we've all had one of those moments.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5480485 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:19

I haven't confused my left and right foot since I was three and learned to put on and tie my own shoes.. Although I have had a confusion of this manner..

Reply

bwinski | 19

#5480488 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:21

^ the guy above me deserves an award!

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5480492 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:24

^ Maybe, but nothing bigger than a plaque, please. I don't want to get a big head.

Reply

DogsPaw | 16

#5480621 - Monday 6 May 2013 12:34

I've missed with my foot on the brake/gas in Reverse. I think with how my body is turned it misjudges the pedals. Never gotten into an accident though.

Reply

ApollosMyth | 22

#5480719 - Monday 6 May 2013 14:13

9, maybe it's just the driving school I went to, but they always said that the pedals were both supposed to be controlled with your right foot.

Reply

groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5481273 - Monday 6 May 2013 22:18

you suppose to use one foot while driving

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5481768 - Tuesday 7 May 2013 5:48

you're supposed to use you're right foot on the gas and brake because on a standard transmission you need you're left exclusily for the clutch

By rttr | 18

#5480466 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:10

I do not know how this could happen unless it was your fault. YDI

By ttr125 | 10

#5480468 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:10

Dumped the clutch and burnt em off...into the wall

By Charryboo | 11

#5480469 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:11

Look at that pretty wall! Now if only we could get a closer look.. OH there we go, can see right inside the wall now! :)

By purplenerple8 | 6

#5480477 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:16

At least you didn't crash through the garage door!

By bigred002 | 17

#5480496 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:25

Who put that wall there?!?!!!

By chanellgymnast | 17

#5480502 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:28

At least it was in your garage and you didn't damage someone else's car--or even someone else!

By chuka81 | 27

#5480506 - Monday 6 May 2013 10:31

Now this sounds like something that only happens in cartoons. Wacky Racers perhaps.