Miscellaneous: Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 197

You deserved it 50

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 994

08/03/2013 10:51

Today, my dad and I had an hour-long conversation. When he was getting up to leave my room he said, "Good talk Chelsey." My sister is Chelsey. So I corrected him. He thought I was joking. My father can't tell my sister and I apart. We are not twins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 293

You deserved it 2 519

Best teeth in the game

Commando

Not the sharpest tool

07/10/2015 17:20

Today, my brother hugged me for the first time. Turns out he was patting me down to make sure I didn't have cigarettes. Love you too, bro. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 717

You deserved it 2 608

Slippery

By charliebravo77 - 09/12/2011 20:14

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 343

You deserved it 4 383

13/09/2009 03:12

Today, I went to a salon. As soon as I walked in, someone ran to me and inspected my hair and said, "We can fix this." I was there to get my daughter's hair done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 026

You deserved it 6 207

04/05/2014 10:11

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 412

You deserved it 5 666

02/01/2016 03:46

Today, I sneezed incredibly hard while eating a granola bar. 5 hours later, it's still hellishly painful to swallow. Please kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 090

You deserved it 1 820

13/05/2015 00:33

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 947

You deserved it 3 555

09/09/2009 22:53

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 597

You deserved it 8 771

14/06/2012 08:11

Today, I was out to coffee with an extremely attractive friend. A crazy man came up to the window we were facing. He took one look at her, then turned to me with a big, congratulatory smile, flashing me a thumbs-up. Then he turned to her, frowned disappointedly and gave a thumbs-down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 464

You deserved it 2 425

Sexy morning

By Anonymous - 15/01/2020 00:00

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 673

You deserved it 264

01/12/2010 19:35

Today, I felt like adding my real middle name to my facebook name to make it look more professional. It was denied because they didn't feel it was a legitimate request. Minutes later, someone with the name of "Galactic Toast" friend requested me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 709

You deserved it 3 875

Family values

By Jaime and Cersei sittin in a tree - 04/11/2020 13:02

Today, I complimented my girlfriend on her new, very detailed bikini wax. She proudly said, "Thanks! Troy’s been doing them for me since the all the salons have been locked down." Troy is her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 488

You deserved it 123

Lockdown is driving us down

By I tried - 09/04/2020 17:00

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 965

You deserved it 163

11/06/2018 19:00

Today, my front tooth randomly fell out in the middle of class. I brush regularly and visit the dentist, the tooth was perfectly healthy looking, and it didn’t hurt beforehand or bleed. It literally just fell out for no reason. Now I have a gap grin and I don’t know why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 934

You deserved it 208

18/10/2010 06:36

Spicy

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 358

You deserved it 38 113

09/12/2009 09:20

Spicy

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 879

You deserved it 4 808

20/02/2012 16:19

Today, I tried to find myself a friend on Craigslist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 872

You deserved it 8 656

Good morning

By Elliot - 22/07/2010 15:10

Today, I lifted up my blinds, only for them to detach from the wall, hit me on the head, knock a pile of paper over, spill a can of Pepsi, leave plaster all over the floor and a gaping hole in the wall above my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 082

You deserved it 4 313

02/11/2016 17:34

Today, I rode my newly-purchased bicycle to Lowe's to look at flooring and back splashes for our upcoming remodel. Upon leaving the store, I found out that my bicycle had been stolen by someone who had bought a hacksaw from that store while I was shopping. They left the receipt to mock me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 480

You deserved it 775

Broke

By hobo no-no - 10/11/2020 08:00

Today, I saw my ex asking for change outside a store. I was so shocked and sad to see him in such a position, I offered to take him home with me, let him shower and cook him a good meal. He laughed in my face and said, "Nah, I just do this for some quick bucks. It’s easier than working." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 087

You deserved it 109

16/09/2012 13:46

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 494

You deserved it 4 096

20/08/2013 22:46

Spicy

Today, I got sexual tingles while watching a Subway worker assemble my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 748

You deserved it 12 299

Stuck

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 20:01

Today, I was told by my boss if I was late one more time he fired me. I replied, "Can I quit then if that's the case." He then said no, and gave me more shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 962

25/06/2011 07:47

Today, my mom got drunk and told me to leave the house because "I've been mooching off her for too long". I'm 14 and now am sleeping at my friends house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 640

You deserved it 2 973

16/10/2010 15:18

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 317

You deserved it 4 292

21/02/2014 09:59

Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 845

You deserved it 4 097

25/08/2015 17:44

Spicy

Today, I shaved my pubes while staying at my senile grandma's place. I guess I didn't clean up properly, because she found some hair and insisted someone must have broken in while we were out and used the shower. I had to play along to spare myself embarrassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 488

You deserved it 7 173

You tried…

By Trapfail - 09/08/2021 04:01

Today, I claimed I was pregnant to get back at my ex and the girl he cheated on me with. I tagged him in my "ultrasound" pic, saying it was his baby, hoping she would dump him. Turns out there’s this thing called "reverse image search" and he posted the Google page where I got the ultrasound from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 138

You deserved it 4 800

28/12/2009 07:30

Today, my dad finally used the electric shaver I bought him for Christmas. My dog now has bald patches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 196

You deserved it 3 462

11/02/2015 04:58

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 314

You deserved it 37 979

14/08/2010 23:23

Today, one of my mum's dinner guests walked in on me and my boyfriend kissing, only to let out a horrified scream. Apparently my mum had introduced my boyfriend as her son, as she is embarrassed of my real brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 080

You deserved it 3 037

No soup for you

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 17:00

Today, our canteen served soup. I have Tourette's. It would have been fine, hadn't the only free seat been across from another person with Tourette's. When two people with Tourette's meet, their tics can increase tenfold. It was a splashing match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 73

19/05/2012 02:41

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 044

You deserved it 5 482

05/12/2016 21:42

Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 400

You deserved it 664

Nothing but red flags

By Jullii - 27/08/2021 08:01

Today, my ex of 5 years began dating the girl he told me was, “One of the guys”, “Don’t worry, she’s like a sister to me” and, “I would never see her that way.” We broke up a couple of days ago because my “paranoia” and “assumptions” about her were putting a “strain” on our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 125

Hangry dude

By Anonymous - 07/08/2021 20:01

Today, I accidentally bit so hard on my fork that I cracked my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 206

Us neither, dude

By Buzzing Confusion - 17/09/2021 13:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that the mother of my children named her vibrator after me. We are together and have not had sex in over 18 months. I have no idea what to do with this information. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 087

You deserved it 172

11/11/2010 05:30

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 454

You deserved it 5 185

02/11/2015 22:26

Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 870

You deserved it 1 522

02/12/2010 23:43

Today, I was online and I saw a friend that I hadn't talked to in two years come online. I IM'ed him, only for him to respond, "I haven't responded to any messages of yours in over a year. Most people would get the hint." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 504

You deserved it 8 354

15/08/2016 13:54

Today, I found out people are suspicious of me at work because I do a good job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 164

You deserved it 1 468

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:14

Whatever, Chelsea. You won't fool me!

littlemonster94 15

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:12

This is when you do something really bad, and blame Chelsea.. "No dad, it was Chelsea!" *points sheepishly at unsuspecting sister*

Comments

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:12

Maybe he's just getting old...

cja33 8

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Friday 8 March 2013 17:28

Nahh...

littlemonster94 15

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:12

This is when you do something really bad, and blame Chelsea.. "No dad, it was Chelsea!" *points sheepishly at unsuspecting sister*

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:58

If he thinks she's Chelsea that's probably not the best idea...

littlemonster94 15

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Friday 8 March 2013 17:46

Warning: posting comments before noon and/or having a large cup of coffee could result in faulty logic. You win this time! :)

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:14

Whatever, Chelsea. You won't fool me!

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:14

Haha, good one Chelsey- Chelseys father.

DyslexicPanda 12

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Saturday 9 March 2013 9:07

Indeed you are able to read.. Proud of youuuuu

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Sunday 10 March 2013 7:55

...but not spell.

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Sunday 10 March 2013 8:03

Ugh dammit, "Chelsey" is how OP spelled it. So I guess that's "correct". My bad.

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:16

You could use this as an excuse to get a tattoo so your dad can tell you two apart lol

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:26

Thats a dumb excuse

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:30

That's harsh

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Friday 8 March 2013 17:00

If you're getting a tattoo for the right reasons then I don't think you need an 'excuse'. If you think you need an excuse then you probably shouldn't get a tattoo.

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Friday 8 March 2013 17:52

What if she doesn't want a tattoo?

KommanderKush420 5

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Saturday 9 March 2013 4:12

"Hey that's a cool tattoo. Why did you decide to get it?" "So my dad can tell the difference between me and my sister."

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Saturday 9 March 2013 5:10

Thats so fucking idiotic

SillyGirl4602 23

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Saturday 9 March 2013 9:43

I love tattoos and have 4 of them. This is not a reason to get a tattoo though. I agree with the commenter that said if you need an excuse to get a tattoo then you probably should not get one.

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:17

You just need a gimmick, maybe wear a hat or a fake mustache :) Or just always dress alike to confuse the crap out of him!

countryrose92 23

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Friday 8 March 2013 21:55

I say dress alike. That seems like more fun.

Obey_StudBoii 23

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:18

Old age. Enjoy him while you can.

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:27

I guess he didn't know what room was yours either

perdix 29

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:30

What can you expect from him? He can't even spell Chelsea! I won't even guess how he butchered your name, Anonymous!

kickass1stbase 7

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Friday 8 March 2013 18:09

Maybe that's how they spell her name... There is more then one spelling for most names.

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Friday 8 March 2013 18:16

The ability to detect sarcasm is a useful skill, 30.

perdix 29

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Friday 8 March 2013 19:17

#30, there are often multiple spellings for a name -- the right way and several wrong ways.

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Friday 8 March 2013 22:05

He can spell it like chelsey if that's how he chose to.... Maybe there's a particular reason for spelling it that way.... Obviously chelsey isn't your daughter so you wouldn't know now would you

perdix 29

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Friday 8 March 2013 22:57

#47, he may spell it Chelsey, but that would be wrong. Upon viewing your fine punctuation and capitalization, I've concluded that you are not a stickler for correctness. I once saw a guy named Dhavid, and I wanted to slap him. That's fucked up!

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Friday 8 March 2013 23:12

Like when people spell Sarah as Sara? I just want to slap their parents.

sens3sfailing 24

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Friday 8 March 2013 23:14

I have seen mike spelled myq... That's fucked up. And dear god, people can't detect sarcasm when they have it pointed out to them...

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Friday 8 March 2013 16:43

With fathers your lucky if the recognize you as their children

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Friday 8 March 2013 17:32

Nah my dad recognizes me allright...

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Friday 8 March 2013 17:46

23- Exactly. Despite the profile picture equation that made you, I think he knows what's his.

BellaBelle_fml 23

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Friday 8 March 2013 22:59

I'd hate to think about the type of father you grew up with due to your attitude towards all fathers.

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Saturday 9 March 2013 0:18

It's a generalization based on years studying fathers in the wild.