Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have... - FML

By Mills - 18/1/2010 11:49 - United States

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 mins of him describing how beautiful she is and how much we look alike and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

The student becomes the master

In my day…

By mcfaily - 27/2/2010 20:45 - Canada

Today, I arrived at work to find an email from the manager whom I had bought concert tickets from the night before. He said he had actually sold those tickets to someone else. He still expects to be paid. FML

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By tacolove69 - 16/2/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

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By FriendZone - 3/3/2017 16:00 - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

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By russianfail - 4/12/2013 16:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2016 13:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

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By anyomous - 26/6/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

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By mike - 7/2/2010 07:16 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she carved her old boyfriends name in her arm and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - 30/7/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 04:59 - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:25 - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

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By onefmlafteranother - 15/11/2019 01:00

Vicious dog

Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML

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By insultedguy - 3/1/2011 17:28 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. We chatted a little, and just as I was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone. Later, I added him on Facebook. Turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: "Look who got even fatter." FML

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By princessj - 16/10/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, my 4 year old son told his preschool teacher that his daddy could pick up 10,000 cows but couldn't pick up his mommy because she was too heavy. I'm the mommy. FML

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By volleyballgirl - 28/2/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I went out to eat at a restaurant. When the waitress saw me, she continously told me how beautiful and kind I was. Flattered, I just said thank you. Five minutes later, one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen in my life walked in. The waitress told her the same exact things she told me. FML

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By Katelyn - 20/4/2012 17:58 - United States - Folsom

Today, I was pumping gas, when my daughter called me. After I hung up, I put my phone on the car roof while I grabbed my bag. I completely forgot about it and only realized when it shot off the roof as I braked at a traffic light. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 18:41 - United States

Today, I was bored at work, so I started doodling a big muscly arm on my notepad, including bulging veins. After I returned from lunch, my boss called me into his office. Apparently the mail clerk saw and was offended. I was asked to explain why I was drawing a person's 'private area'. FML

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By TappedAnts - 8/4/2016 01:45 - United States - Seabrook

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

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By Telinaa - 8/11/2010 02:25 - Australia

Today, I was holding on to a shirt that I planned on buying, when an elderly man bumped into me. The shirt fell out of my hand, and slid just out the door. I went to the counter to explain what happened. Everyone accused me of trying to steal it anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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By mastermind - 1/9/2019 02:00

Today, I can add "Ferrari" to the long list of cars I’ve almost been hit by. FML

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By thewordsicantsay - 25/2/2010 07:05 - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

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By Big Baby - 28/1/2017 00:00

Today, I was awoken by my wife patting my head and talking in her sleep, asking, "Who is this? Who am I touching?" She then rolled over and farted on me. FML

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By tj85 - 17/2/2010 19:49 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

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By damn-it - 22/2/2009 06:41 - Australia

Today, my Grandma was showing me an ancient family letter. It was apparently written by someone historically famous. She was going on about how important it was, in such good condition too, worth a lot. I dropped my glass of juice. It spilt all over it. FML

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By Girl - 19/8/2009 00:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 11:36 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML

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By Kyle - 10/5/2011 10:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

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By ihasnoafroanymore - 10/6/2019 12:05

Today, I was working at my job at a McDonald's. I was on my break, so I went to use the restroom. When I finished, I tried to open the door, but the lock broke. I was stuck in the basement bathroom for 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2018 18:30 - United States - Compton

Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML

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By buggermonster - 16/6/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML

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By RaccoonFever - 10/1/2014 11:15 - United States - La Jolla

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2016 13:00 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I was so tired, I passed out at work in the middle of a call. All because my neighbor's car alarm kept going off every 3 minutes all through the morning. It was still going when I left for work. If you see a news story in a few days about a whole neighborhood beating a guy to death, that's probably us. FML

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By foxownerapperantly - 7/6/2015 21:48 - Netherlands - Hoorn

Today, an old lady in public transport yelled at me and my dog, called me a liar, and threw her grape soda over me because according to her my pet Shiba Inu was actually a fox, and keeping foxes as pets is illegal. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friend when I saw my boyfriend in Victoria's Secret - with another girl. They were joking and laughing, and I was really pissed off. So I stormed into the store and slapped him. He looked up at me with an angry and confused expression. It wasn't my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2013 03:15 - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I was in a training about the newest changes in CPR. The trainer was discussing chest compression techniques and said she prefers "good, fast, hard pumping." I was the only one who snickered out loud, drawing several annoyed looks from the other trainees. I'm a 45-year-old doctor. FML

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By BodyElectric - 26/7/2016 05:06

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

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By DF - 26/6/2014 14:58 - Israel - Rehovot

Today, I went bowling with my girlfriend, her sister and her brother-in-law, and her niece. After 10 rounds, I came in last place. Her niece is 3 years old. She got twice as many points as me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 20:07

Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML

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Top comments

By GoddessDigi | 12

#782655 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:05

Ouch. I wonder why he'd even bring it up. That's just going to hurt, rather than help in any way..

By relyo | 0

#782669 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:09

Wow! That sucks. You should go into detail about how you just found out that your pregnant, how excited you are that he's going to be a grandfather and then tell him you aborted it. That'll make you about even.

COMMENTS

By GoddessDigi | 12

#782655 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:05

Ouch. I wonder why he'd even bring it up. That's just going to hurt, rather than help in any way..

Reply

neko_ceko | 3

#782662 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:08

Umm.. he didn't tell her maybe? (EDIT: that was for #1 sorry)

Reply

blastvortex | 3

#784418 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 18:01

There's always the possibility that a secret like that's gonna get out. At least she can deal with her grief now rather than later. Hopefully, now wasn't the worst possible time.

Reply

z620 | 0

#876683 - Saturday 20 February 2010 22:11

when he's drunk tell him there's a unicorn in the yard

Reply

sgomfg | 1

#1073043 - Thursday 8 July 2010 5:43

it says that he told her

Reply

Aniki_Sohma | 20

#4778077 - Monday 6 August 2012 4:05

I have a similar story, my alcoholic/substance abusive father came to me at age 8 to tell me that I had a sister while i was doing my homework.

Reply

Red_rum91 | 0

#4922403 - Wednesday 12 September 2012 4:29

hes an alcoholic... maybe he was a bit out of it?

By thecirclingskies | 0

#782659 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Moemoemoe_fml | 0

#782684 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:15

Because he had how many years to tell her and have the sisters meet. DUH.
He never did, and so now the chance for them to meet is lost.

Reply

red_orchid | 0

#782926 - Monday 18 January 2010 23:10

I'm pretty sure the sarcastic thanks is because he waited until after her sister had died to let her know she had one. I'd be pissed too.

Reply

8trickster8 | 0

#783695 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 6:13

Also it sounded like he told her that she had died at the end of describing the sister, which had gotten her hopes up about meeting her.

Reply

TheiMightyKhaL | 2

#3035687 - Thursday 4 August 2011 8:28

Your so stupid.

Reply

swinglifeaway123 | 8

#3260987 - Friday 9 September 2011 6:49

I agree.
Your fuckin stupid.

Reply

Lyme_fml | 8

#5687017 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 3:30

#107 and #109 learn to spell "you're" before you tell somebody they are stupid.

By SammPowa | 0

#782660 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:07

Damn, ouch! ):

By DNA3694 | 0

#782664 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:08

Wow. That reeeally sucks! I'm actually very sorry:( how terrible:( FYL

By relyo | 0

#782669 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:09

Wow! That sucks. You should go into detail about how you just found out that your pregnant, how excited you are that he's going to be a grandfather and then tell him you aborted it. That'll make you about even.

Reply

zaphilia | 0

#782764 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:51

Or, upon hearing the words "I'm pregnant" he could get so pissed at her that he beats her. Depending on her age.

Reply

hannahcrogers131 | 4

#1624791 - Saturday 30 October 2010 6:25

hahaha revenge is sweet!

By chris_42 | 11

#782670 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:09

Your father sure knows how to get drunk. I wouldn't invite him to any more parties. That really has to suck though, FYL in a huge way.

By anim4ted | 0

#782672 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:11

thats just wrong

By FrenchToast94 | 0

#782674 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:13

that's horrible

By alisonyankee | 0

#782678 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:13

Maybe it's because he's an alcoholic and it's really you he's on about and he doesn't realize you're you?

By deathburger13 | 0

#782685 - Monday 18 January 2010 20:16

Anyone that clicks YDI is an asshole
I'm sorry :(