Miscellaneous: Today, my cell phone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself.... - FML

By emily - 30/07/2009 08:58 - United States

Today, my cell phone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 981

You deserved it 4 301

Our house, in the middle of our street

Leave me out of it

That's a funny word, mom

WTF people?!

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 08:00

Today, as an essential worker, some lady tore me a new one because we were out of large sanitizer bottles. Our doors opened at 9 a.m. and she didn't show up until 2 p.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 596

You deserved it 103

By Jenn - 03/07/2013 02:39 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 509

You deserved it 5 719

By love_to_live - 28/07/2012 04:17 - United States - Waupun

Today, while in the store with my kids, they wanted to buy tampons because I am "getting cranky, and it should be that time of the month." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 784

You deserved it 22 449

Wrong place, wrong time

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 23:02

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend are I are staying at his parents' while they are away. While having sex in their bed, the whole bed went crashing to the floor. We have no idea what to do, and we leave tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 2 178

By Hopeless - 04/12/2018 13:00 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I had a dream that I met my celebrity crush. As I leant in to kiss him, he rejected me saying “woah no thanks”. I get rejected even in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 443

You deserved it 262

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 19:44 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Spicy

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 707

You deserved it 6 316

Smelly business

By skunkcat - 11/03/2020 21:00 - United States

Today, I was drunk in a hotel lobby with some of my cousins. I went out on the patio to get some fresh air when I saw a black cat in the bushes. I went straight over to it and started to pet it. I realized too late that the black cat was actually a skunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 555

You deserved it 1 644

Deadbeat

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 07:01 - Ireland

Today, exactly a year after he ended our relationship days before our son's first Christmas and told me he would always be in mine and our sons lives, I learned my ex got a new girlfriend several months ago, who more than likely is the reason he stopped calling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 109

By anonymous - 31/10/2011 19:11 - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 368

You deserved it 3 711

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 032

You deserved it 5 402

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By MistofAvalon - 24/04/2020 14:00

Today, my cat woke me up announcing he was hungry by standing on my bedside table. This placed him both next to and above my head. Did he do this by meowing? Nope. Did he do it by tapping me with his little paw? Not that either. He sneezed all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 271

By fuck's sake - 16/04/2016 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 007

You deserved it 2 067

By bloated - 04/11/2016 02:46 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 759

You deserved it 2 503

By hahatofunny - 13/09/2016 19:54 - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 928

You deserved it 2 055

By stinkypants - 10/11/2011 03:15 - India

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 714

You deserved it 11 818

By coloneltushfinger - 12/06/2019 16:00

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 333

By Renesmeekuhnell - 28/02/2010 16:00 - Denmark

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 140

You deserved it 2 969

By courtnayy - 30/09/2013 14:47 - United States

Today, I got proposed to. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have 2 kids. It was perfect, except it was my ex-boyfriend who proposed to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 574

You deserved it 5 978

By Ipickthegoodones - 26/06/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 944

You deserved it 6 601

By Volume_control - 10/11/2009 14:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 807

You deserved it 31 146

By Anonymous - 11/09/2018 03:30

Today, after 20 years together and 9 years of marriage, I found out that my husband has been having an affair with my cousin for 6 years. The same cousin who came over every Friday. Who he wanted to be godmother to our 3 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 473

You deserved it 227

By drunkboysgf - 21/10/2011 07:39 - Canada

Today, I had to get my boyfriend's mom to help me get my boyfriend in his house because he was so drunk. He broke up with me for getting him in trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 536

You deserved it 5 205

By shewantsmedead - 26/01/2017 18:00

Today, I ran into my mother-in-law, who I absolutely can't stand, with my car at 5mph by accident. She jumped out in front of me after a particularly nasty argument, but my husband won't believe me and neither will the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 987

You deserved it 555

By hypocrite - 03/07/2012 16:43 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, my new boss gave everyone a lecture about sexual harassment in the workplace. Which would be fine if he'd been able to tear his gaze off my chest for more than a minute at a time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 697

You deserved it 3 849

By bleurghh - 31/12/2010 15:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a guy I like when I was out shopping. We acknowledged each other with a little wave, but as I walked away, I heard him say to his friend, "She's never gonna get me with THAT moustache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 803

You deserved it 8 821

By touched - 10/02/2009 11:30 - Philippines

Today, on the crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were less people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. Just when I was about to tell my friends about it, I find out that he stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 322

You deserved it 5 681

By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 415

You deserved it 41 175

By Lisa - 02/01/2010 07:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw". It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parent's house and forgot his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 765

You deserved it 35 789

By meow - 30/10/2013 07:03 - United States

Today, I put a picture of my cat on Facebook. A stranger sent me a message saying how "attractive" she was and that her eyes are "very seductive". So, basically, someone is trying to hit on my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 128

You deserved it 4 901

Very important note

By Stress - 06/02/2020 14:00 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, the teacher said the class today was very important and that we should take note. Instead of writing notes, I bought a recorder and brought it to class. After class, I listened to the recording and all I could hear was muffled voices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 2 631

By BannedfromFriend - 20/05/2015 23:21 - United States

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 783

You deserved it 10 877

By la poisse - 19/11/2008 05:59 - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 964

You deserved it 3 489

By effinit - 30/10/2009 04:31 - United States

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 028

You deserved it 6 596

By julia - 01/12/2012 01:02 - United States - Downers Grove

Spicy

Today, as part of my job as a swimming instructor, I had to help a teenage boy learn how to float. This involves supporting the person's back as they try to float. His boner stood straight up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 355

You deserved it 3 920

By greeter - 18/10/2016 06:49 - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 032

You deserved it 3 357

By Anonymous - 02/12/2018 15:30

Today, I learned after weeks of waiting that my order of vinyl siding had been shipped to a contractor in another state, who installed it without realizing it was the wrong style and color. I would have to wait weeks for a new shipment, except the manufacturer has discontinued it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 635

You deserved it 149

By Casey - 11/06/2009 12:59 - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 124

You deserved it 4 186

By Anonymous - 03/04/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, sun was shining and I felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach. In only my bikini and towel, I laid out to get some sun. A while later, a little girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you embarrassed that you're so huge?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 447

You deserved it 11 217

By dumbass - 07/02/2011 00:58

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 295

You deserved it 3 723

Don't be an asshole

By Anonymous - 11/03/2021 00:30

Today, the only person I know that ever traveled with me told me he doesn't enjoy the experience and thinks I'm an asshole, so I don't have a travel buddy any more. Every affordable trip requires two people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 1 015

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

naem 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:14

Did you cut anyone open today? It's probably in there

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:29

wtf? How do you think someone stole it? You LOST it, idiot.

Comments

naem 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:14

Did you cut anyone open today? It's probably in there

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 17:00

jackass crew you suck at this, stop picking fml's and go back to being idiots who only entertain other inbred idiots

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 18:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 19:56

ah dont moderate my stuff, I'm right, they are all inbred

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 22:01

excuse me? your an ass btw, this fml is freakin hilarious. nicely worded

Send a private message

Friday 31 July 2009 0:09

YDI FOR TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING

Send a private message

Monday 7 June 2010 5:05

lol nice.

Send a private message

Tuesday 22 June 2010 4:13

well damn you got a problem.

Send a private message

Saturday 28 August 2010 4:33

51 YDI cause you still live in the 1800s.

Agent_Buckwald87 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:19

Why is this on FML?

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 21:02

I take back the comment I made in another FML. What was the jackass crew thinking with this one?

riax 9

Send a private message

Saturday 2 June 2012 21:11

It's here bcoz a corpse stole her phone!!!

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:19

this is NOT an fml...you lost your phone, what does that possibly have to do with working in a morgue??

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:35

YES, but that's not funny.

Send a private message

Friday 31 July 2009 0:43

uh i agree. that's not even really a joke. just dumb. this FML is sorta dumb..

Send a private message

Saturday 29 May 2010 1:23

But the OP still feels bad over losing their phone. C'mon, people, this is not the only "my phone is lost/my phone has been stolen" FML on here.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:19

So basically, your phone was stolen and the rest of that was pointless information... F my life for wasting a few seconds trying to understand this one.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 17:57

exactly im still kinda lost in this it was obviously posted by a six year old and obviously moderated by six year olds (and the jackass crew) (which i have nothing against) but rly guys; bad pick

transilvanianson 3

Send a private message

Monday 27 June 2011 22:44

agreed

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:19

...?

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:22

This site needs a "who cares?" button. This was stupid...

Antivirus_fml 0

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:36

I 100% agree

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 17:08

i second that

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 17:38

Definitely!

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 20:37

I agree completely.

Send a private message

Friday 27 May 2011 19:46

I fourth that

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:22

Zombies!!!!!!! O.o

Send a private message

Monday 22 March 2010 23:33

lol

Send a private message

Thursday 22 April 2010 8:45

you're a believer too.

Send a private message

Sunday 5 August 2012 10:40

Maybe they wanted to play zombies vs plants on his phone

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:23

obiviously?

Send a private message

Friday 8 August 2014 1:56

I'm picturing the kitten in your pic saying that. Makes it 10 times better

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:24

WTF? this is stupid.

Send a private message

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:27

You probably lost it in one of those body bags, have fun looking for that!

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 49

Spicy

Spicy

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 20

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 180