Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I realized just how fragile and idiotic my brother is. At a family get together, I bought a giant box of popsicles for all the kids to enjoy. He refused to let his sons have one, because according to him, “it looks gay”. I swear my mother found him by the road or something. FML
Today, my brother‘s will read that everything would go to our other brother, so long as he punched me for having an affair with my his wife. So now I have a black eye. I’m gay, but I've never told my family. I didn't have an affair with his wife. FML
Today, I found out I have sodium fluoride poisoning. Apparently, my water has a high level of sodium fluorine. I've been drinking much more water lately trying to be healthier. FML
Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML
Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML
Today, I finally told my brother that I was being sexually harassed at work. I'm 22 and my brother is 41, and he literally told me that I don't even know what sexual harassment is, and then laughed in my face. FML
Today, I got a call from my brother-in-law's doctor. Apparently he's made threats and fantasizes about killing me. "Notifying you is the protocol for things like this" he said, and ended the conversation with, "have a nice day." FML
Today, as revenge for a prank I played on him last week, my brother took things way too far and loaded my milkshake with so many chocolate laxatives, I’m now in hospital. I’ve had so much diarrhoea in the past few hours, I’m dangerously dehydrated and had to be put on a saline drip. FML
Today, my older brother offered me a cigarette. I took it and barely took a drag before he socked me in the arm and lectured me for taking the offer. He's an alcoholic, and smokes daily. FML
Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML
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Top comments
Tripartita 45
"WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?! Did you look through my internet history? Bro… you alright?"
Welshite 40
You might want to imitate him and wear a tinfoil hat for good measure. You never know when the government can be listening in. They're coming for you, OP.
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Comments (71)
zainman13 26
Wow! That must have been quite an experience
Pizzacheese4 13
Wow, that sucks. How long did it take for your vision to come back?
pandalover69 26
It sounds like your brother has a secret and is trying to come up with an excuse for it.
Bob_Gray 6
What the hell did he take insult to? The fact that you called him straight? Or does he just get violent when he's contradicted?
domolovesyoshi 33
I'm going with the latter
janfleury 19
I think you may have hit a nerve with him.
MandieL 27
Sounds like it's the brother that did the hitting.
PulpFact 8
Sounds like someone is deep in the closet
lusanna 19
I'm sorry op but I applaud you for standing up to homophobes like your brother
AggieMike77 12
Your brother is a fucktard.
wmayrhofer 18
It's more of a scam rather than a conspiracy because the levels are too low to poison you. Just don't eat fluoridated toothpaste.
blackmater12 6
ouch? sue him
Garrett2818 21
I doubt OP got busted up enough for it to be worth all the trouble of a lawsuit. Also once the lawyer takes his cut then no one wins. Quit being a sue happy schmuck 23 you're better than that.