Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really liked. He spent the whole time talking about his pet iguana and how it's the love of his life. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML
Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML
Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML
Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML
Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
FMLshark 12
Sounds like the same boyfriend who wanted to test water displacement in the bathtub with his girlfriend.
rncannon 18
I would have been pretty excited anyway. Iguanas are cool.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (123)
chriscrossedya 4
i dont recall ever refering to my penis as a lizard...makes me feel like its got legs. i prefer snake
bow125 7
Beware the trouser snake.
Randomoscity 0
One-eyed python?
sirsquab 12
Aren't snakes lizards?
A7XCamaro 19
No, a snake is a snake, and a lizard is a lizard. They're, however, both reptiles.
theluckyones 10
I'm pretty sure if you wanted to play with his other 'lizard' you could've asked or just taken it out yourself and had some fun with if(: I'm pretty sure he would've liked it and you would've gotten what you were so excited about.. Be happy your boyfriend shares stuff like this with you. Have fun with the iguana!
simplylost643 0
#15- "Just taken it out yourself and had some fun with it". Thank you! Proactive women like yourself is what this world needs more of. Bless your heart!
outoftown 27
#15, The question is how the iguana would react to another lizard. Competition?
CaptainSaveAHoe 11
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
he would have said fap stick if he was referring to his penis.
CaptainSaveAHoe 11
this was a reference to a previous FML. are we not allowed to do that here? I'm new.
Isoldael 27
It's allowed, but judging by the number of downvotes people either didn't recognize it as such, or just didn't find it very funny.
Sandsh8rk 36
Why are people on FML so sex-thirsty?
Crazberry 5
Because apparently this is the way the world works now: No sex makes life worthless and horrible. Hence the amount of sex-related posts on fml. Because, you know, there's nothing worse than not getting laid when you want.
JAB2010 1
Because most on here are in their teens and 20's, and that's when the juices are flowin' the most! :)
drkate25 30
"juices are flowin" that's the unsexiest phrase ever.
simplylost643 0
#51- Try doing anything when the juices aren't flowing and tell me how sexy that is!
bandit1971 18
Lizards are awesome though :<
DerrickJames 33
S-s-sorry that didn't scale to plan.
holeyman 8
Good try, but no
kittykat1501 31
snakes hiss, and the way you put that is the typed version of stuttering. if it was indeed a snake you would type "ssssssorry" instead.
Tektite 14
LOL ! Oh no OP, that sucks! You should have played with his pet lizard and jumped him afterwards ;D I'm sure he would have gotten the hint then! Better luck next time! *kisses!!!!*
rainbowbigbird 7
I like to play with my boyfriend's lizard. We call him POGO. Pogo is a bearded dragon. You thought I was talking about...? Oh, you.
brianfantana32 10
I expected a bearded dragon from the beginning.
Tragichero92 12
Eragon 2, now comes with a beard.
XxskyelovexX 13
I would be pumped to play with my boyfriend's lizard if he had one! I don't understand how you can mistake his lizard for...
TheNewGuy03 29
I'm not entirely sure how the chick even assumed that her dude was talking about his dong. Whatever.