Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However,...

By Username - 21/12/2010 05:09

Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 467

You deserved it 4 405

Intimacy

Empathy lives

Own it

Can't win

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 18:23 - United States - Ridge

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 565

You deserved it 3 044

By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 15:37 - United States

Today, my wife slapped me for touching her boobs during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 200

You deserved it 6 248

By Anonymous - 10/06/2012 06:24 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 930

You deserved it 36 521

Forever alone

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 17:01

Today, I found myself being jealous of the relationship between Ethan Klein and Trisha Paytas on Frenemies. I need a life. I need real friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 518

The apple of my eye

By anonymous - 17/07/2020 08:00

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by bringing him some dinner. He made the same noise unwrapping the burger that he does when he sees me naked. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 294

You deserved it 293

By swervelol - 20/08/2017 23:15

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 339

You deserved it 317

Clubbing

By Anonymous - 26/11/2012 13:30 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 682

You deserved it 3 228

Shoe gang rise up

By Yasha cohen - 30/11/2020 11:01

Today, right after preparing a gourmet plate of dry-aged steak with freshly cooked mashed potatoes, I stepped on my son's Lego and dropped my plate. I stood there for 5 minutes, crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 369

By Anonymous - 01/03/2010 22:04 - United States

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 661

You deserved it 10 901

By ZZ - 30/06/2009 03:01 - Canada

Today, I was riding my bike on the side of the road because there was no sidewalk. Then a car with a loud horn honked at me. Pissed off, I turned around and screamed "shut the fuck up!" It was my girlfriend's parents saying hi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 536

You deserved it 66 635

By Anonymousss95 - 10/12/2011 12:03 - Sweden

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 535

You deserved it 13 350

All that time I'm never getting back

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 11:02 - United States - York

Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 854

By Anonymous - 05/10/2012 18:22 - United Kingdom - Wokingham

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 727

You deserved it 10 179

By thatisfuckedup - 13/06/2013 22:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 357

You deserved it 3 865

By Toolate - 21/12/2016 12:26

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 560

You deserved it 1 320

Gassy

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 22:53 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 900

You deserved it 9 045

By maybenot - 06/08/2012 23:25 - United Kingdom

Today, whilst on a cycling holiday, in a somewhat hungover state, I accidentally chained my bike to the back of someone else's caravan. As I walked away, I heard a loud scraping noise. I turned around and watched my bike get dragged down a long gravel road and through a pile of horse shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 805

You deserved it 29 821

By ohwell - 24/11/2014 13:44 - Sweden - Tullinge

Today, I met my best friend's girlfriend for the first time. After a few hours of talking and eating, she followed me to the bathroom and said, dead serious, ''If you ever touch him or get too close to him, I will cut you''. I've known him for twelve years, they have been dating for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 837

You deserved it 3 276

By Surprisebuttsecks? - 07/12/2011 04:39 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 133

You deserved it 7 358

It's never like in the movies

By Anonymous - 06/09/2021 19:59

Today, after giving a speech at college, I did the good ol' mic drop. The microphone fell with a loud bang that was heard through the clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192

You deserved it 1 236

By Anonymous - 28/02/2010 14:26 - South Africa

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he was going to make it to our first child's Christening as there was a football match on at the same time. Without hesitating, he replyed that he would just watch the recording. He meant the recording of the Christening. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 411

You deserved it 6 368

By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 393

You deserved it 5 648

By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 07:14 - Australia

Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out "Run fatty, run". I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 968

You deserved it 7 383

By lol smiley face - 28/11/2009 15:57 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 756

You deserved it 10 397

By sunny_funny - 20/12/2016 18:51 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, my car broke down. My colleague came to get me and then, later, my husband picked me up from work. We went to collect my abandoned car, but it was gone. It took 10 minutes of me panicking and thinking it had been stolen before he crumpled in laughter and told me he'd already collected it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 788

You deserved it 1 053

By Petergibbons - 05/03/2010 08:01 - United States

Today, I realized I'd rather be constipated, sick, sit in long traffic lines and inadvertantly eat spoiled meat than spend another day at my shitty job. All things that happened to me today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 920

You deserved it 2 808

By Violet - 05/04/2014 01:57 - United States - Exeter

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to get a shirt saying "I'm a girl," just so people won't think he's gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 064

You deserved it 5 936

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 21:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 632

You deserved it 3 164

By screwed - 22/05/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up with some chips in my bed. I thought it was funny so I went to tell my roommate. Her response was, "That's so funny! It's a typical night out for the two of us. I wake up the next morning with a boy in my bed and you wake up with food in yours." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 602

You deserved it 12 606

By Elle(; - 11/08/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I felt something tickling my neck. Thinking it was him, I ignored it. Just when I was about to climax, I looked down to see a lizard on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 886

You deserved it 219

By Shep - 31/08/2018 13:00

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 076

You deserved it 176

By justnance - 22/12/2011 18:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 807

You deserved it 35 712

By clecker - 08/10/2009 10:24 - Australia

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 544

You deserved it 12 907

By dani0810 - 22/01/2013 11:39 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 142

You deserved it 5 472

By charliemann_ - 12/09/2011 14:28 - United States

Today, a woman came into the gas station where I work, yelling because her credit card wouldn't read at the pump. I politely told her that I could set the pump up for a set amount, and she could swipe the card at the register. Her response: "You need Jesus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 616

You deserved it 2 749

By ab - 09/10/2011 05:11 - Canada

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 387

You deserved it 2 565

Alcoholics of the world, get help

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 02:01

Today, I know my life is awesome when my partner and I have to plan watching movies and having sex around his drinking schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 197

By betterthanhodor - 03/06/2015 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 065

You deserved it 5 905

By lolzboss - 07/03/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 434

You deserved it 46 146

By Stupidhuman - 13/04/2017 13:02 - United States - Sparta

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 486

You deserved it 2 148

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Top comments

starile 19

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:32

Step one: Slide the cell phone into a condom. Safety first.

DynamicDave 11

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 14:05

I tried phone sex once. The holes were way too small.

xGUMMYBEARSx 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:11

explain it to him (;

Lolerskatez 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:22

Tell him to ring a 1800-sex-chat line, they'll teach him for as little as $2.95 a minute! Plus the standard $5 connection fee.

xGUMMYBEARSx 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:23

yes. of course you would know.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:31

thats phone sex!! why have I been inserting a nokia up my ass all this time! :s

starile 19

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 13:33

15: Because you have a shitty taste in phones.

lionandthelamb61 9

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 13:43

The good thing about phone sex is that you can explain it and do it all at once!!

Boomshadow 3

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 15:56

On the other hand, when you extrude it, nobody will notice.

tommy700 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:11

Wow, you got quabbled!!!

amazing54 1

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:14

your phone has a 10 key?

lilgirly89102 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:17

Aww he wants you to be his first<3

INTHEFAACE 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 21:46

I honestly laughed so hard at that

BoredomKillsinc 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:18

hehe.... facepalm

Saturn_fml 23

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:19

Aww that's quite cute :)

lizzard2903 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 13:42

so is your dp, how gorgeous!

docscientist 9

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:22

It seems he was being literal when he said phone sex.

boopityboppity 11

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 21:43

The problem would be compounded if, in frustration with his questions, the OP told her boyfriend, "Shove it up your ass." He'd likely take this literally, too.

onedayinamsterda 14

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:31

give him a sexline number to practise

starile 19

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:32

Step one: Slide the cell phone into a condom. Safety first.

Jimboom 11

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:47

Ahahaa. Step 2. Don't forget to lube up. Step 3. Set to vibrate.... I think you can see where this is going.

frear 0

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 13:41

step 4:make the call

Jimboom 11

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 14:11

Step 5 : ??? Step 6: Profit!!

Dragons_corner 6

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 12:36

I work at pizza hit as a cook. we have another pizza coming out called the big spacer or big dip something like that once the big Italy is gone and after Christmas stuff crust will be $10.