By peachezthelette - 27/12/2020 19:58

Itchy butt

Today, while at work, I had to explain over the phone to my 33-year-old boyfriend how to use Preparation H. FML

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Messed up

Non-baby fever

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

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By Instacreep

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

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By chloeguest97 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who I hate commented on my Facebook profile picture that I "look like I've fallen off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." 60 people liked this, including my boyfriend and best friend. FML

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By -_-" - United States - Vestal

Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML

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By CANTTAKEMORE - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I seriously considered stepping in front of a car so that I could miss a few days of work. FML

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By SleeplessinNJ - 10/12/2020 05:01 - United States - Raritan

Bad Moon Rising

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington Crossing

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

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By UnluckyJulie - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

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By Oh-Shit! - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

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By Faithful - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend told me that if I ever cheated on him, he'll chop my body up and dispose of all the parts, but keep my boobies, because he likes them. FML

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By haleyfml - United States

Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my new class. There are two Kevin Smiths. Neither will agree to a nickname, they have the same hair color, and their middle names both start with J. They have told me to call them Kevin 1 and Kevin 2. They both want to be Kevin 1. FML

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By Username

Today, a snow storm rolled into my small town, leaving my car stuck under 3 feet of snow. I called my boss to tell her I couldn't drive to work. Her reply? "Walk." FML

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By Lexi - United States

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched a grizzled, old gas station attendant with a stain on her blouse use my driver's license to pick something out of her teeth. FML

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By longing for emancipation - United States - Mitchell

Today, my mom claimed that lactose intolerance is a "myth" and told me to drink my damn milk because it's good for my bones. FML

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By EmDa - India

Today, I ran into a guy who I was completely in love with for months. After a couple of minutes, I realised he totally bores me senseless. What a waste of 4 months obsessing over that shithead. FML

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By Skoff - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

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By Wolf145 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

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By ugh mom!

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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By fuckyouharddad - United States - Sacramento

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

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By WitchQueenLiz - United States

Today, it was my birthday. Normally, the little office I work in throws a big party for every employee on their special day, but nothing was done for me, not even a "Happy Birthday" came my way. I didn't want to be rude, so I stayed silent. They didn't do anything because I was getting laid off. FML

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By hi Mum - United States - North Charleston

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, I learned that just because you live on a different continent, it doesn't mean your mother won't come knocking when you are having sex. FML

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By Sam

Party for One!

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy asked for my number. He used the rather annoying "You know, this iPhone has everything... but you know the only thing that's missing is your number." I might have given it to him, if he did have the iPhone, not the makeshift box of Mini Wheat Thins he had in his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my eye started hurting with unbelievable pain. I couldn't see out of it and I asked my father if he would take me to the hospital, since it was hurting so bad. He said he had to wait for the pizza he ordered for delivery. I had to call a cab to go to the emergency room because of pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By oooooopss - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

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By SkeetinKeaton - United States

Today, I let my step-father know exactly what I thought of him. After a few moments of awkward silence, he leaned towards me and quietly whispered, "Well you're adopted. Your parents never loved you." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 05:00

Water, water, everywhere

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

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By Loud - Australia

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49

Boozehound alert

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

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By baron - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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By hitnmiss66 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad turns around and says he was expecting him to have a guide dog. This is why I don't have much confidence in myself. FML

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By dantheman - United States

Today, I just got a new assignment for the moving company I work for. Two weeks ago my fiancé dumped me and I moved out of the house. Almost all of the furniture was mine and it took forever. The new moving assignment I have is moving her new boyfriend into my old house. FML

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By aineroo - Ireland - Galway

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

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Top comments

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7960493 - Sunday 27 December 2020 20:47

Can he not read? The directions are right on the box.

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7960504 - Sunday 27 December 2020 22:12

Put it on your finger and smear it over the affected area? How else would you use it?

COMMENTS

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7960493 - Sunday 27 December 2020 20:47

Can he not read? The directions are right on the box.

By wysegirl | 21

#7960503 - Sunday 27 December 2020 21:47

I would have told him to use google

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7960504 - Sunday 27 December 2020 22:12

Put it on your finger and smear it over the affected area? How else would you use it?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7960507 - Sunday 27 December 2020 22:20

Can you say "shove it up your ass" at work?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7961168 - Thursday 31 December 2020 3:32

I hear it feels good on the (w)hole.

By rotflqtms_ | 18

#7961409 - Friday 1 January 2021 11:59

If he has time to use a phone to call you, he can use Google... or read the directions... I'd tell him "I'm at work, you're going to have to put on your big boy pants and figure this one out on your own."