Miscellaneous: Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and...

By Nobody - 17/10/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and exclaimed, "It won't stay!" I replied with, "Just like your mom!" It was then that I remembered her mom had just left her dad and moved out of the house to be with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 162

You deserved it 58 403

Miscellaneous

Taking stock

Sorry…

Vulture

Indoctrination

By say no to indoctrination - 22/08/2020 20:02 - United States

Today, I was called everything from a communist to a nazi to a national traitor for suggesting that kids shouldn’t be forced to recite the pledge of allegiance at school until they’re old enough to truly understand what it means. Someone even threatened to kick my ass for speaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 806

By Ugh - 02/02/2017 16:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I locked myself out of my apartment. I've just realized that I could have spent $30 on an Uber or Lyft to my parents' place to grab the other set of keys instead of calling a locksmith and paying $280 for him to drill a hole through my doorknob, rendering all my keys useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 153

You deserved it 4 320

Tinder surprise

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 21:30

Today, I was hitting it off pretty well with a girl I met through a dating app. However, she's never going to speak to me again because I also happened to "match" with her friend. How was I supposed to know they knew each other? FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 215

By Fuck's sake! - 25/04/2016 01:34 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, it turned out the twit I've been overcharging for drinks in my bar for wearing shades indoors is actually blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 244

You deserved it 27 188

By ouch - 20/02/2019 18:00

Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He’s always wanted to eat food off my body but never wanted to deal with the mess. He got a little too excited and ended up biting my nipple instead of the spaghetti. I didn’t know someone was capable of biting that hard on soft food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 979

You deserved it 616

By tacoboy27 - 21/12/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 640

You deserved it 3 546

By Anonymous - 10/08/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, my mom drove me to football practice. On the way she told me that she thought I was gay and that my friend was my lover. After 15 agonizing minutes of this, we get to my practice only to be greeted by my shirtless friend wearing a pink bandana saying "Man, you hit me hard last night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 584

You deserved it 7 308

By Eh.. - 05/12/2018 04:00 - Israel

Today I learned that just because the cute barista at the train station smiles at smiles, waves at me each time I arrive, and develops small talk probably means she's trying to sell me pastries. The smile she had when I asked for her number and she said "nah" still haunts me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 244

You deserved it 1 323

By emeraldapostle - 25/11/2018 17:30

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 792

You deserved it 557

Not on a plane

By Surewhatever - 16/10/2019 14:01

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 116

Squirt

By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 353

You deserved it 2 968

By poop - 06/02/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 810

You deserved it 4 725

By workerbee - 09/08/2019 12:00

Today, because of a miscommunication with my boss, the furniture I was renting during my summer job was taken back by the movers. I still have a week of work left and nothing to eat with, and nothing to sit or sleep on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 120

By A-64 - 08/05/2012 20:48 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 323

You deserved it 5 201

Felt cute, might delete myself later

By being a fairy is hard - 28/10/2021 08:00

Today, my daughter lost a tooth. I wanted to make the Tooth Fairy experience extra special, so I dipped her doll's feet in paint to leave “tracks” from the window to her bed. As I was adding the finishing touches and spreading glitter, I tripped on a toy, faceplanted and lost my own tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 016

You deserved it 325

By obsequiousfannyflapper - 10/02/2013 23:13 - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 048

You deserved it 2 970

By Anonymous - 03/03/2016 22:36 - United States - Hampton

Today, I had to attend a meeting with my parents, my teacher, and my bully and his parents. When we started, my bully "broke down" and "tearfully" told the teacher that I was the one bullying him, and that he was getting blamed to cover it all up. They believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 699

You deserved it 1 388

Freudian slip

By Anonymous - 23/04/2020 20:00

Today, I accidentally sent a very sexually explicit message to my online class because I thought I was typing in a different window. You can't delete messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 2 330

By well then... - 21/02/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 375

You deserved it 3 369

By Anonymous - 05/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 331

You deserved it 1 101

By fifthtimesacharm - 26/04/2011 15:03

Today, it's hot and sunny, and a customer asked me how I was, I responded by saying "It's a hot sunny day. Who doesn't love the sun?" He responded by telling me he had just had three melanomas cut out. I guess I did find someone who doesn't like the sun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 848

You deserved it 5 510

By left out - 11/01/2014 20:26 - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 774

You deserved it 4 181

Modern warfare

By Anonymous - 11/09/2021 22:59 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, as I enjoyed my peaceful evening, I realized that my redneck neighbors had gone into the hills to shoot machine guns. How the almighty f**k did they get MACHINE GUNS? FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 163

By tobuscus9412 - 22/03/2015 01:04 - Australia - Woronora

Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 047

You deserved it 3 326

Missing the point

By Anonymous - 04/01/2021 07:58

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I checked his phone. The reason I did so was to get his mum’s number so I could arrange to send her his Xmas present in a parcel, as a surprise as I wouldn't be with him. He found out when he asked me how I managed it, and I told him honestly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 039

You deserved it 289

By Anonymous - 28/10/2013 04:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I failed hard at a color test. I thought it was a joke because most of the colors looked the same to me. Now I know why people laugh at my clothes color choices. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 583

You deserved it 3 585

Sneaky dad

By say no to dick - 18/04/2014 22:56 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 695

You deserved it 43 493

By Shamed - 06/09/2011 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 525

You deserved it 4 924

By BNLM - 09/03/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 606

You deserved it 34 074

Overreaction much?

By owngoalscored - 22/09/2018 22:00

Today, I was watching a movie that had a mild sex scene in it. My mother walked in just as that scene was starting and she flipped out. I'm now grounded. She's taken my TV and laptop out of my room and refuses to let me see my boyfriend because she's sure he's the cause of my "disgusting behaviour". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 639

You deserved it 309

By notmuchfun - 20/07/2010 21:17 - United States

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 360

You deserved it 4 664

Her revenge

By Anonymous - 25/02/2020 22:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She then proceeded to ask for all the gifts she gave me for Christmas back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 640

You deserved it 734

Birthday blues

By omaha24 - 29/04/2020 02:00

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 484

You deserved it 496

By uh-oh - 25/03/2012 05:49 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I kicked my dog's toy snake out of my way. Then I realised my dog doesn't have a toy snake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 520

You deserved it 3 710

By pocahontas - 26/10/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 535

You deserved it 6 886

Christmas shopping

By Anonymous - 26/12/2019 20:00

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 200

You deserved it 200

By bigdaddy - 25/09/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, while brushing my teeth my 5 year old son walks into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I have been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 172

You deserved it 8 550

By tannerrosetx_1 - 06/04/2015 11:44 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 058

You deserved it 3 708

Do ya think I'm sexy?

By wifelyduties - 17/04/2020 14:00

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 950

You deserved it 309

Cracking

By Jennifer Sara Harms - 01/02/2021 05:01 - Canada

Today, I was so stressed out from my ex harassing me that I took a chewable pill that’s made for anxiety and it broke my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 93

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Top comments

Icyyy 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:05

YDI

Fortuitous 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:05

Wow, my friend, you have honestly the best jokes I have heard this side or the other.

kofinater 3

Sunday 17 October 2010 23:04

That sucks

tyronnK 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:10

hoe

OhMyHolyBalls 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:19

Shoulda just stuck with "That's what she said." :/

Thin_Ice_fml 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:23

Ouch.

ilovemydoodle123 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 0:11

hahhahahahahhahahahahah 19 is so right:)

mooshibear140 4

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Monday 18 October 2010 1:05

LOL. OP, similar situation happened with my friends. I was introducing my friend Adriena to an old friend from high school, Taylor. Taylor told a 'Yo Momma' joke to her. Adriena gave her a weird look. I had to pull Taylor to the side to explain that Adriena's mother died when she was a newborn. Hah, I should submit that to FML...

OhMyHolyBalls 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 1:13

#66-So it went like this? "Taylor, this is Adriena." "Nice to meet you, Taylor." "YOUR MOM IS SO FAT....."

ivyy 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 2:00

68- no dummy stuff happened in btwn lol. op-ouch that sUx but I feel worse for her. 19- ahahahahaha so true lmao

chillpill 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 2:25

bitch!!!!!

Elixa 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 3:04

wow your a total bitch, how is this your flm? if anything it's your friends flm for having such an awful and insensitive friend like you.

KingDingALing 9

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Monday 18 October 2010 4:36

You better suck her off, OP.

stephanie0613 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 7:49

Damb that sucks FHL not your's !

Jtisciyohk 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 22:16

f life my?

lostprophets7000 0

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Wednesday 20 October 2010 5:57

haha 104 failed at fml

Elixa 0

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Wednesday 20 October 2010 8:56

150 and 157, I knew exactly what I meant, so stop hating and GFY!

xxrogerthatxx 19

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Sunday 27 July 2014 20:59

I would've cut your hair

VeeVeeTran 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:04

Ouch.

ohSNAPyall 26

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Monday 18 October 2010 10:24

Mr. T says: Remember when you put down one mother, you put down mothers all over the world. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_rBidCkJxo

trueblue42 4

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Monday 18 October 2010 14:17

lmao oops... honest mistake

Icyyy 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:05

YDI

ViiciousDreamz 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 4:19

Rule of thumb: If you don't have have a profile pic, gtfo or stfu.

iGrenade 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 6:45

you should give yourself those last two advices. what's the big deal? it's just a tiny image.

Fortuitous 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:05

Wow, my friend, you have honestly the best jokes I have heard this side or the other.

konnermoses 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:05

ydi

surferchick96 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:05

may i beh the first to say, "think before you speak"?

Fortuitous 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:37

Think twice, type once.

alex_mu 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:42

no, because the phrase is "think before you speak" , so the question mark goes out of the " ", so next time you decide to pick on someone make sure you know what you are talking about

Fortuitous 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:43

Whew! I avoided some serious heat from the Grammar Nazis.

TheIrishJaneDoe 8

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:47

"Think*

Fortuitous 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:52

On FML, it should be: "Think twice, type once, and hit refresh thrice."

SuperRichFish 6

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Monday 18 October 2010 0:20

THIS FORUM IS UNDER ATTACK FROM GRAMMER NAZI'S. Time to hide. :/

Sinkhole 26

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Monday 18 October 2010 0:40

53 - That's scary! It seems like you definitely know a lot about nazis, I wouldn't have thought there were so many of them in Grammer, Indiana... Or are you talking about some sort of Kelsey Grammer-related nazis? 'Cause that would be even scarier!

skimonkey96 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 1:25

naiiiiice

rallets 22

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Monday 18 October 2010 1:53

grammer... ...bring it, im ready.

ivyy 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 2:03

umm a buncha you are wrong. it's grammAr not grammer. just sayin.

jocelyng_fml 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 2:50

am I the only one who noticed your the second not first to say this

evybeth 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 3:04

defitnetly!

morganrules123 10

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Monday 18 October 2010 4:02

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husbands cuz they correctin err'body out here!

Dudeitscaleb 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 5:15

bitch :)

Chinnithy 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 20:11

Grammer is a place is Indiana. Just letting you know.

Omorfessa 0

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Wednesday 27 October 2010 14:35

<3 xDDD

Bbhd05 0

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Monday 19 September 2011 22:47

Hey grammar Nazis, correct grammar would make the phrase "grammatical Nazis". Get your shit straight.

bestdayever023 0

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Sunday 17 October 2010 23:08

dude..wow. it wasn't your fault for sayingthat but it was for forgetting. ouuuch):

tiger69 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 0:41

why would "like your mom" even make sense in that context. totally OP's fault for saying it

steelersfan78 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 3:30

Because OP's friend's mom won't stay with them.

Hollisss 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 7:45

If OP said it, it's OP's fault.

Cyosaric 0

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Monday 18 October 2010 13:51

I thought it was funny. My moms a whore ;)

ashleylucky16 6

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Friday 19 August 2011 2:33

Clearly the chick up there ^^^^^^^ needs to give you her horribly revised speech about thinking before you speak...or type... Because clearly it was OP's fault. Who else is there to blame? YOUR MOM?! *zing*