Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment, followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father, who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML
Today, I went to my 19 year-old daughter’s apartment when I heard her baby crying. I have a spare key so I opened the door to find her crying in her rocker. I called my daughter and it turns out she went on a weekend to Malibu with her friends and she “left her some milk and a bowl of Cheerios. She’ll be alright.” FML
Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML
Today, I had to go pick up my mother at 3 in the morning. She had been out drinking and couldn't drive. She parties more than I do. FML
Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML
Today, my daughter gave me the “but daddy I love him” speech when she turned up to a family event with her boyfriend, who was at least 20 years older than her, was visibly intoxicated, stank of body odour and cigarettes, then tried to flirt with my wife. FML
Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me!" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML
Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML
Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML
TToday, my daughter was hungover, so to teach her a lesson I started banging a pot next to her ear. An hour later, we’re in hospital. She wasn’t hungover; she hadn’t even been drinking. Her migraine was a huge aneurism one sneeze away from bursting and killing her instantly. I’m a terrible dad. FML
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Top comments
MolesterStallone 13
You should make her pancakes
Pleonasm 36
I bet that just scared the crêpe out of you, didn't it?
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Comments (176)
Megan98 18
Now I know why ihop is open 24 hours...lol.
hienzburgess 9
reminds you of the good ol' days, doesn't it OP? sigh*
whyisitincapital 25
How about packing her bags for her?
MAA213131 1
Be happy it wasn't my bedroom i would've made her "pancakes"
EpicSquishii 21
*yawn* There's always that one guy that posts the same "I'd have sex with her!" comment. 1. No you wouldn't 2. If someone DID manage to pork a young girl who was drunk out of her mind, they might just be sent to jail. They definitely wouldn't have anything to brag about.
kurodansei 16
You mean you would have gone from flap to jack and buttered her stack?
kurodansei 16
put her on the griddle let her sizzle and split her down the middle? If she's never had a floppong would you pop her cherry topping? I have so many questions.
ViviMage 40
You can get drunker. You'd be dead or unconscious, but....
silverstream20 20
I agree. You always need pancakes so she is justified.
Enslaved 38
Tell her, "You ain't got no pancake mix!"
laden_swallow09 35
Backhand her unconscious and let her sleep it off in the kitchen. S'what I did to one of my friends one night, and he's still ignorant about it.
hanymandy 6
You raised her
NellyFC35 19
You sure that girl wasn't high?
darkmis1 18
We'd be too chill to scream. We also don't slur and weed and alcohol both have a distinctive smell.