Today, it was my birthday. The only person who remembered was...

By Anonymous - 31/5/2014 07:24 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person who remembered was my dad who got me a phone charger for my car, which I didn't even need because he got me the same exact thing last year. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

DINOSAURS!!

By Puppy problems - 27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By Husband to be....maybe - 9/6/2018 09:00

Today, I found out I was allergic to bees, the hard way, at my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 08:02

Lingo

Today, I was alarmed to hear my daughter's boyfriend talk about dropping the kids off at the pool. She has no children. Turns out he was referring to himself taking a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

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By jobless - 7/5/2009 21:10 - United States

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

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By smh - 3/11/2015 20:04 - United States - Beulah

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend of two years asked me out on a date was because I accidentally flashed him when we met. FML

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By Dulok Warrior Princess - 10/9/2018 19:30 - United States - New York

Today, at gym class, coach placed the boys on an "advanced level" rope climb by having a girl cling on their back. I got paired with my crush. As he climbed, we were trailing behind so I cheered for him to go faster. He loudly responded, "Why don't you go on a diet!?" FML

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By whitefox123 - 20/9/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By notwhatithought - 21/8/2015 19:43 - Germany - Erlangen

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

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By AllThatJazz - 15/4/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, I was stage managing a school show. Some kids were goofing off backstage, so I yelled at them that they could hurt themselves. While walking back to my chair, I tripped over my own feet and fell 5 feet off the stage. I shattered my cheekbone telling kids they would hurt themselves. FML

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By angry mama - 21/9/2019 00:01

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

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By Sammijane58 - 31/7/2019 14:00

Today, I watched my best friend get married. I then watched her completely ignore my maid of honor speech, because she was messing with the lights behind us. FML

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By cockfist - 4/3/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

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By Rachel - 1/3/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

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By wouaf - 29/5/2015 04:19 - France - Voiron

Today, I was out shopping with my little sister. I wanted to try something on, so I put my bag in front of a changing room and jokingly told her to bark if someone came near. She ended up biting a lady who was trying to get into one of the changing rooms. FML

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By Anon - 29/1/2019 02:00

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 00:01

Big Little Lies

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for a guy. I was the only one who knew he was bisexual. Now everyone thinks I "turned him gay." FML

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By Jenn - 3/7/2013 02:39 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

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By UnhappilyUnemployed - 16/6/2014 22:49 - United States - Madison

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

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By AV - 30/1/2016 10:30 - Bulgaria - Tsaratsovo

Today, a car backfired as I waited for my bus and I screamed, thinking I'd been shot. The only thing more humiliating than that was the pissy underwear I had to go back home to change out of. FML

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By weak - 23/2/2014 14:36 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was helping my wife bring in the groceries. She was able to carry 4 bags and a jug of milk. I was struggling with 2 bags. FML

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By dinosaurboy - 6/2/2010 20:01 - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

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By ouch - 20/12/2011 12:46 - Australia

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

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By bringthemback - 29/3/2014 10:34 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boss decided to have the whole staff drug tested and fire everyone who failed. Out of an original staff of 14 people, only my boss, two coworkers and I remain. I now have four times my normal workload and am seriously thinking maybe I should've said "Yes" to drugs. FML

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By Caqtusmonkey - 25/8/2016 15:28 - United States - Arlington

Today, I heard my dog chewing on something. I called her over, held out my hand, and told her to drop it. She dropped it into my hand, and I was proud of her. That was until I realized it was cat poop. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2012 05:07 - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2016 10:12 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I finished a 700-page book for my law exam. It was the wrong book. FML

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By justwow - 21/3/2012 23:58 - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

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By Shamed - 6/9/2011 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By creepycrawley247 - 1/5/2013 02:50 - United States - Ellington

Today, after being nearly homeless and couch-hopping for the last few months, I finally signed a 1-year lease. When I got home, I was surprised to see a picture of my new complex on the front page of the newspaper. It turns out that they are fighting a serious bedbug infestation. FML

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By jc2011 - 25/9/2011 07:23 - Australia

Today, after months of grueling training and countless early mornings, I finally began the race I had been preparing for over the past year, only to slip and break my leg in the first 450 meters. FML

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By pregz - 25/4/2013 00:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

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By juliet - 6/4/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

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By GuardOtto - 22/7/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I saw someone in the wave-pool who appeared to be drowning. So, I jumped in to attempt to save him. Turns out he wasn't drowning, he only had one arm. He yelled at me. FML

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By ouch - 29/3/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

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By hifhfan - 5/6/2014 11:12 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I entered my late twenties. My hair's falling out and I'm putting on weight at light speed. At least I can keep my youthful appearance with the acne I still suffer from. FML

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By anonymous - 28/10/2014 03:40 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

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Top comments

By Mister_FML_ | 10

#5961387 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:40

Change. But not the gift. Change your family.

By Capitan | 15

#5961395 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:43

Maybe him remembering is the real gift. The charger is just material. Happy birthday!

COMMENTS

By Timpa70 | 18

#5961382 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:39

You should be able to return it.

purpleturtle16 | 20

#5961418 - Saturday 31 May 2014 13:07

Yep. Exactly. Because that's what OP cares about. The gift. (Not the fact that no one in his/her family bothered to remember the day he/she was born)

pandasaresocute | 21

#5961427 - Saturday 31 May 2014 13:29

Happy Birthday OP!

Demig0d6 | 14

#5961730 - Saturday 31 May 2014 21:29

Yeah happy birthday

Pussycat86 | 18

#5961743 - Saturday 31 May 2014 21:45

When I read the part where OP said I don't really need it, the first thought I had in mind was OP doesn't have a car! Happy birthday OP, well you know how smart phone chargers are easily damaged, maybe he thought his last year's present was damaged already and you need a new one! Just saying :)

By Mister_FML_ | 10

#5961387 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:40

Change. But not the gift. Change your family.

By FMLkoala | 28

#5961389 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:41

It's the thought that counts.

Softballchick224 | 21

#5961402 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:46

He didn't do a very good job. Lol Especially since that's what he got him last year!

WhatsYOURname6 | 25

#5961634 - Saturday 31 May 2014 19:37

That's usually how it goes but the problem is is that he didn't seem to put any thought into it at all.

CoGhostRider | 31

#5961693 - Saturday 31 May 2014 21:12

@10 well to be fair there is no way I could keep a car charger for one year.

Metagame | 12

#5963835 - Tuesday 3 June 2014 3:23

Yeah. He was very thoughtful.

teentee401 | 36

#5981370 - Friday 20 June 2014 1:40

You know what I got for my birthday? A pack of cigarettes!

By PinkkyPek | 6

#5961390 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:41

Does he have a phone charger? else you know what to give him for his birthday!

By Softballchick224 | 21

#5961392 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:42

Happy Birthday!!!!(:

By thelittlemissy | 28

#5961393 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:42

Happy birthday!

By Capitan | 15

#5961395 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:43

Maybe him remembering is the real gift. The charger is just material. Happy birthday!

By xThatOneWeirdGuy | 18

#5961396 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:43

At least he remembered it. Happy birthday OP.

By LaLince | 40

#5961398 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:45

Happy birthday!

By AlexRen | 21

#5961403 - Saturday 31 May 2014 12:47

You know what forget everyone else. Go out and do it big for your birthday if you have the money, take like 1 or 2 good friends and have fun!

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5961635 - Saturday 31 May 2014 19:38

#11 I'm guessing that OP'S friend's aren't as good as he/she thought they would because if they were then they would of remembered OP'S birthday OP said Only his/her dad remembered.