Love: Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool...

By NosChersVoisins - France - Bordeaux

Today, it's my birthday. My next-door neighbours gave me a stool and some rope. FML

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63067

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Love

Messed up

Noise annoys

Carless whisper

By Kutakito - Sweden - Saltsj?baden

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 20:01 - Australia

Keep your distance

Today, as I served an elderly man at the fast-food restaurant where I work, he leaned over the counter so that his face was mere inches from mine and asked me if I wanted to buy his car. When I politely told him I wasn't interested, he insisted on making a complaint about me to my manager. FML

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745

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML

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By livvlynette - Australia

Today, I went to a family funeral. Talking to my grandfather, trying the make chitchat, he says "You're gaining weight, aren't you?" FML

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By UnluckyGroom - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

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By Kwalker3 - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

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36261

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

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40426

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By dogless

Creepy

Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2018

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By iFail - United States

Today, a guy sitting next to me in class asked me for a pen. I accidentally handed him a tampon instead. FML

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31700

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By embareassed - United States

Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML

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6679

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By theflow - Australia - Perth

Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML

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42109

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4533

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By wowimdumb - United States

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

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13428

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

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36622

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 23:00

Go back to bed, Brad

Today, I noticed that when my boyfriend is sick, his sex drive goes through the roof. Too bad his stamina plummets. FML

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1547

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By jasmine

Today, my daughter is 16 hours-old and cries every time I pick her up, and refuses to be breast fed. She loves sleeping peacefully in her dad’s arms, and being bottle-fed by him. My 16 hour-old baby hates me. FML

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2065

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By Babygirl - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? He said his mom didn't want us together anymore. His mom died three years ago. FML

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38510

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By owmyfoot - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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19641

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By Annoyed student

Today, after extensively researching how to properly use in text citations out of fear of my professor reporting me for citing my quotes incorrectly. She reported me instead for forgetting quotation marks on three of my proudly and properly cited quotes. FML

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4717

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By 123_omg

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

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1846

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By Anonymous - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

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4801

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By Zannanana

Today, I realised my parrot loves to masturbate on anything soft I own, like my sweater, house socks, blanket, and even my hair bun on the top of my head. I only realised this when my boyfriend pointed out that my parrot was humping my bun. FML

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2639

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By not-religious - United States

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

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40228

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

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61716

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By moneyman

But I'm a man

Today, I went on a date with a beautiful woman I had recently met. Great food, great conversation, and a great connection. That is, until she revealed that she is a lesbian. FML

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2024

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By pissingcontest - United States

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

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19587

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By Domo731 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

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4268

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By Anonymous - United States - Nutley

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

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26524

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By Lovenotes - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

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17328

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By handyman13 - United States

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

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21871

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By idiots - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I had to explain to a customer that 50% off a $50 item did not make the item free. FML

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42017

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2760

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By fucktheearth - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was sitting at my desk when out of nowhere I had a "silent sneeze attack". Someone in the office called the paramedics because they thought I was having a seizure. This is the third time this has happened this week. FML

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21380

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

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18345

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By Slayer - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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10536

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By YoshiSqu4d - 31/7/2020 20:01

Emergency cooking

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

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1050

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By Ouchhh - United States

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

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29814

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By Anonymous

There you go

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

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3699

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that if I try to resist a 70 pound bulldog that's humping my leg, I will end up with stitches. FML

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32152

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

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10134

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By Teddy Bear

Today, while working in a kids' shop, I absent-mindedly called a small person with his mum a little man. I then hear a deep man's voice say "I'm not a little man." FML

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By hopeyoushityourintestinesout - United States - Everett

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

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Top comments

By OneGuySixDemons | 23

#7388163 - Saturday 14 January 2017 4:15

Ouch. That is just nasty and uncalled for. You could call the cops on them for that...

By CantTouchThat | 27

#7463096 - Wednesday 31 May 2017 16:04

I call BS. Pics or it didn't happen. I want to see them wrapped and you opening them.

COMMENTS

By OneGuySixDemons | 23

#7388163 - Saturday 14 January 2017 4:15

Ouch. That is just nasty and uncalled for. You could call the cops on them for that...

By CantTouchThat | 27

#7463096 - Wednesday 31 May 2017 16:04

I call BS. Pics or it didn't happen. I want to see them wrapped and you opening them.

By Kyra Auguste | 10

#7562278 - Friday 10 November 2017 1:56

What the heck?! That’s really rude, and can be reported to the police as a threat!