Kids: Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos,... - FML

By MomOfBoys

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Our house, in the middle of our street

Good samaritan

By Snoodist

Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML

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By rook - United States

Today, my parents tried to convince me to get a divorce. My wife and I are perfectly fine. FML

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By dinosaurboy - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I returned a rental car and almost got charged extra for the "funky and rotten" smell in the car. I blamed it on a sausage roll, not having the heart to tell the woman it was my fart from a minute before. FML

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By motherdearest - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over the phone, after having left me to look after her dog while she went on a 2-week vacation with her family. Now I have to choose between paying for a kennel for her damn dog or taking care of it every day until she gets back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML

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By Anonymous

Something smells fishy.

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

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By PEGASISTER FOR LIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE!!!!! - Mexico

Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed from a fellow employee at a bar that he finally "hit" the boss' wife. I work for my parents. FML

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By ripfluffy - United States

Today, I learned to check inside the oven before you preheat it. Sometimes children hide their pet rabbit in there. FML

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By nonexistant - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

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By oh no - United States - Rochester

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

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By katie

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I decided to work out. Being too embarrassed to run in public, I instead ran in circles in my basement. FML

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By zac545 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

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By Failure - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By Pimaan - United States

Today, I decided to be a generous guy and slip a dollar from my pocket to a beggar. Turns out I'd slipped my hard-earned $100 bill instead. FML

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By halfasleep - United States - New Haven

Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't know what burned more, when it went down or when it came back up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

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By unknown

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

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By SonOfACatKiller - United States - Juno

Alas, poor Tiddles

Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

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By FuckSteakNShake

Today, I was fired, all because I asked my manager for help on the line when we were short staffed and he was on his butt in the office. He said it wasn't his job to help us. Apparently, asking your manager for help when you're busy gets you fired. FML

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By metalflower01 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my wedding. On top of being upset about the break up, I was informed I owed a $900 cancellation fee for not using the venue. Single and broke. FML

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By BLAH - Philippines

Today, after finally returning to my house after over a year overseas, I found that my neighbours built a wall covering the only window in my bedroom. Not only is my room eternally musty and pitch black, but the council won't accept my complaint, because apparently my window was illegally built. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom made me teach my delusional gran web browsing. I barely made it to YouTube before she sneered at me, and told me to "stop pissing about before I smash your face in." Two hours and multiple slaps later, she still doesn't get what a URL is, and I fear for my life. FML

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By I must suck at singing - United States

Today, my neighbor had a word with me for being "loud in the bedroom" last night. I haven't had any action for two years now, but I was too happy that she thought I'd got lucky to tell her the truth. So what was I really doing last night? Trying to sing like Christina Aguilera. FML

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By Anonymous

Call the FBI on her ass

Today, I got home from work to I find my cash box open and empty. My mom walked up and said, "If you have a lock that easy to pick, you don't deserve the money." There was 650 dollars in there. She refuses to give it back. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

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By okthen - United States - Pittsburgh

One day with him

Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years...by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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By Funyearahead - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

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By unicornlovet

Today, I was cleaning, anticipating my hypercritical in-laws coming to see our new house. Literally 10 minutes before they arrived, sewage backed up the basement drain. My father-in-law spent the entire visit commenting on the smell, and how he couldn’t use the washroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

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By thebigguy

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

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By Therunawaymoh

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was having computer problems, so I let my friend have remote access to fix them. We were video-chatting on Skype at the time, and so he thought it'd be hilarious to load hardcore porn in my browser the moment he saw my mom enter the room from behind me. I'm now grounded. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working as a waitress, an attractive woman sat at one of my tables. When she paid, I decided to be bold and write my number and "Call me" on her receipt. She put in a complaint to my manager. FML

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By unwanted - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

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Top comments

By cootiequeen4444 | 11

#7382329 - Sunday 1 January 2017 4:27

Your "awesone sauce" boss: kids in the office. never again. (p.s. I forgive you for awesome sauce *pat pat*)

By RaylanGivens | 14

#6729341 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:07

Sounds sick.

COMMENTS

By Cali | 54

#6729339 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:05

This one was submitted a few days before Christmas. Apologies for the delay!

By RaylanGivens | 14

#6729341 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:07

Sounds sick.

By logank013 | 20

#6729342 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:08

Way to start off your break OP... Better luck for spring break!

By roaf | 13

#6729343 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:09

Ooh. Hope your kid feels better now and felt good for Christmas. It would suck to be sick for it. For your other one, it may be good to have him/her supervised while your at work if possible. It could have been worse. Merry (late) Christmas OP!

By SmashedxGlass | 3

#7381257 - Thursday 29 December 2016 10:52

YDI for using the phrase "awesome sauce"

Reply

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#7381276 - Thursday 29 December 2016 12:43

I read the awesome-sauce as being sarcastic, so it changed the context of the passage and made my head hurt. Initially.

By Emmy0806 | 6

#7381413 - Thursday 29 December 2016 20:44

I'm embarrassed by the term "awesome-sauce"

By goodonem8 | 3

#7381491 - Friday 30 December 2016 1:51

YDI for calling them "kiddos"

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#7381526 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:17

Sounds like the day is going very well

By LPac5295 | 27

#7381790 - Friday 30 December 2016 19:14

Who the hell uses the phrase "awesome-sauce?"

By cootiequeen4444 | 11

#7382329 - Sunday 1 January 2017 4:27

Your "awesone sauce" boss: kids in the office. never again. (p.s. I forgive you for awesome sauce *pat pat*)