Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos,... - FML

By MomOfBoys - 22/12/2016 21:20

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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Sister of the year

Territorial pissings

Minefield

By PicklesMcRaptor - 25/3/2012 11:59 - United States - Miami

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2014 17:29 - United States - Canastota

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2018 01:30

Today, my phone went missing. My 8-year-old son took it to school and sold it for $10. FML

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By EwokLover17 - 13/3/2010 05:16 - United States

Today, my iPod came back from repair and still had a distorted sound. I've been through calls, meetings, and repairs with Apple since Christmas, and it still sounds like the half speaker in my old car. Then I found out the new Nano requires you to push the headphones plug in harder. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2016 02:38 - United States - Glen Ellyn

Today, an old friend of mine texted me, saying we should hang out. I thought it was really sweet and was excited to see her again, until she realized that she was texting the wrong person, and canceled our plans immediately. FML

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By iheartmorons - 14/1/2012 14:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

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By hulagirl1217 - 29/5/2010 12:11 - United States

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

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By wakinginvegas87 - 5/9/2010 15:49 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

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By Alyssa Charlotte - 29/7/2011 02:25 - Mexico

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

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By Dominique Richards - 20/2/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. When I woke up I found out they pulled the wrong one. FML

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By Nick - 13/8/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

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By why me - 29/6/2016 04:41 - United States - Milford

Today, I bought a brand new Wii U. My cat must have thought the wires looked tasty because he chewed through each of them, which will now cost me another $100. FML

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By Not Wanted - 7/9/2014 01:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2015 02:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was drying myself with a towel after a shower when I noticed a bad smell. After running out of toilet paper last night, one of my friends decided to use my clean towel to wipe herself instead. FML

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By AbhorrentApplication - 28/4/2013 23:40 - United States - Reston

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2011 18:21 - United States

Today, I got a mass text message from a friend saying she's sorry she can't meet up with our group of friends for drinks because she's busy tonight. This is the first I've heard of any bar-crawling. FML

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By unlucky22 - 22/10/2017 19:00

Today, I turned twenty two. Three days ago I was fired. Two days ago I failed a midterm. Yesterday my boyfriend and I broke up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 19:12 - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By hoogimo - 24/11/2010 10:55

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

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By natalieeee - 18/3/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 16:33 - Australia

Today, while babysitting, I brought over some colouring-in sheets as an activity. I said that I should bring some Christmas-themed ones for next time. The little girl then turned to me and said "If there is a next time." I've been put on probation by an 8-year-old. FML

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By dumbblonde - 13/7/2019 00:31

Today, I figured out that the roommate who I let move in with me on Sunday is probably a prostitute. I’m a lawyer. FML

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By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

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By Yay..... - 17/8/2010 04:21 - Canada

Today, my friends thought it would be a good idea to make fun of a homeless man. I didn't fancy making fun of the less fortunate, so I stayed a bit back. Still, the homeless man didn't think it would matter to throw a rock at me after my buddies ran away. FML

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By Quincy_Ethan - 29/8/2014 21:22 - United States - Killeen

Today, my little sister was using my phone to play games. About an hour later, she came to me and said my phone wouldn't work. Turns out my phone had gotten hot and she put it in water to cool it down. FML

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By Snorlax - 13/4/2013 04:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I uploaded a cute photo of my boyfriend and me on Facebook. Ten minutes later, his friend commented: "Dude! You're supposed to capture the Snorlax, not date it!" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 03:42 - United States

Today, I brought a cupcake to school for my friend's birthday. After taking one bite, she exclaimed that it was the worst thing she had ever tasted and that we should sue the store that I bought it from. I baked it myself. FML

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By sexychica - 21/7/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

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By Gassy - 21/9/2015 14:45 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

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By shit - 28/4/2016 11:05 - United States - Colonial Heights

Today, I went to the dentist; no one was in the waiting room so I danced around and mouthed songs that were on the radio. It wasn't till after I went to the counter and saw the receptionists laughing like a pack of hyenas that I realized there was a camera. FML

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By Nickie809 - 17/9/2012 14:59 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I moved into my new apartment. I was feeling really excited until my new neighbor knocked on my door and left me what looks like rabbit ears on my welcome mat. He just stared at me expectantly as though I should be thankful. FML

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By feelinblue - 23/6/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By yourekillingme - 19/2/2016 04:12 - United States - Mission

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

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By anonymous - 15/2/2015 22:39 - United States - Valdosta

Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML

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By Kev - 23/5/2019 04:00

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2010 16:03 - United States

Today, I woke up to my husband slowly pulling my blanket off me. I thought he was being romantic until I realized it was because the cat had puked all over me while I was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2013 06:42

Today, I was the last person in line for going on the bus. Incidentally, I was right behind a guy way taller and wider than me. When he got on the bus, the bus driver immediately shut the door behind him. I was left outside chasing after the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for my first date with a boy I really like when my dad insisted on meeting him. My dad is super protective and a cop. He cleaned his gun in front of my date and made it clear he had to be careful with me. My date started to cry when we got to the car. FML

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By pregnantapparently - 10/12/2015 18:45 - United States - Durham

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

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By Lonely_Army - 25/5/2012 16:03 - Qatar

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

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Top comments

By cootiequeen4444 | 11

#7382329 - Sunday 1 January 2017 4:27

Your "awesone sauce" boss: kids in the office. never again. (p.s. I forgive you for awesome sauce *pat pat*)

By RaylanGivens | 14

#6729341 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:07

Sounds sick.

COMMENTS

By Cali | 54

#6729339 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:05

This one was submitted a few days before Christmas. Apologies for the delay!

By RaylanGivens | 14

#6729341 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:07

Sounds sick.

By logank013 | 20

#6729342 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:08

Way to start off your break OP... Better luck for spring break!

By roaf | 13

#6729343 - Thursday 29 December 2016 7:09

Ooh. Hope your kid feels better now and felt good for Christmas. It would suck to be sick for it. For your other one, it may be good to have him/her supervised while your at work if possible. It could have been worse. Merry (late) Christmas OP!

By SmashedxGlass | 3

#7381257 - Thursday 29 December 2016 10:52

YDI for using the phrase "awesome sauce"

Reply

siggy_mcsigx | 22

#7381276 - Thursday 29 December 2016 12:43

I read the awesome-sauce as being sarcastic, so it changed the context of the passage and made my head hurt. Initially.

By Emmy0806 | 6

#7381413 - Thursday 29 December 2016 20:44

I'm embarrassed by the term "awesome-sauce"

By goodonem8 | 3

#7381491 - Friday 30 December 2016 1:51

YDI for calling them "kiddos"

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#7381526 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:17

Sounds like the day is going very well

By LPac5295 | 27

#7381790 - Friday 30 December 2016 19:14

Who the hell uses the phrase "awesome-sauce?"

By cootiequeen4444 | 11

#7382329 - Sunday 1 January 2017 4:27

Your "awesone sauce" boss: kids in the office. never again. (p.s. I forgive you for awesome sauce *pat pat*)