Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was laying in bed when my sister came running in, scared. I took my bat and went into the kitchen where the suspicious noise was coming from. It was a rat, right in the middle of the floor. I jumped on the counter and shrieked, just as my girlfriend walked in, who then actually dealt with it. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML
Today, during the night, we thought we had an intruder, but it was my girlfriend who grabbed a hammer and went downstairs to check. After it turned out to be the damn cat, I asked her why she made me stay upstairs. Apparently because she’s seen me fight in the past, she felt much safer doing it herself. FML
Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML
Today, I went to sneakily grab a snack without waking up my roommate. I was being extra quiet, tiptoeing like a ninja. I opened the fridge door slowly, but managed to knock over a stack of Tupperware boxes. The crash was so loud it could’ve woken the dead. My roommate appeared in the doorway, not amused. FML
Today, I experienced the fright of a lifetime when I woke up and heard my bedroom door opening. Fearing that there was an intruder, I picked up a bat and opened the door, ready to whack the mystery intruder. There was no one there. No one, except my cat, who apparently knows how to open doors now. FML
Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML
Today, after moving into my new house, I woke up to strange sounds coming from the kitchen. I panicked and started sobbing, convinced it was either a robbery or a home invasion. Turned out it was just my cat. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of someone in my room. I started freaking out, thinking someone had broken in, so I kicked them, only to realise it was my boyfriend coming back from the toilet. I'd forgotten he was staying over. FML
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Top comments
TheDrifter 24
I hope you hit a homer, because you're not getting past first base again for a while.
The_creator_fml 2
So her snack was peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat?
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Comments (189)
ravengirl1234 2
You remind me of a certain parrot...
mikeymayhem_87 15
Kudos for you for clocking somebody blindly in the dark with a bat successfully. Too bad it wasn't a burglar!
PoserPunx 0
Serves her right for leaving the kitchen in the first place!!
perdix 31
YDI for having more than one girlfriend! Besides the heavy sleeper and the big eater, how many others are you keeping in that brothel of yours?
perdix 31
#30, it's OK. You know, today is April Fools' Day, so I may be kinda facetious today. Normally, I am very, very serious on here.
evig_fml 16
Perdix I get it.... It's a joke, because your always factitious...
epic13 12
Yeah 26, way to ruin the joke.
coried91 28
I'm sorry but I can't believe someone actually thought you were serious.
bizarre_ftw 22
I honestly got annoyed for a sec, then I saw it was peridix and my reaction did a complete 180 Funny how reputations can affect perceptions huh?
gonad_gobbler 1
You whispered over your shoulder to your girlfriend to tell her to stay quiet, but since she was downstairs that means you whispered to nobody and didn't notice? Or do you have two girlfriends?
Bekll 31
The former; He thought she was sleeping next to him.
perdix 31
A sandwich or a sammich?
zingline89 18
That's not what she meant when before you went to bed she said "I really wanna feel your wood"
codkid15 0
Smooth, FYL
thatfunnyguy77 0
I hope she dumps ur ass
coried91 28
Yes she should dump him because if there were a real intruder he would protect her. He should have checked to see of she were there but he was following instincts and trying to keep her safe. It was an accident.
rockerlove2013 6
Did u hit her??