Intimacy: Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend,...

By madfather - 23/02/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 074

You deserved it 72 430

Intimacy

Leave us alone

Empathy lives

Teacher's pet

Young love

By gee thanks - 04/11/2021 23:00

Today, I overheard my wife telling our daughter that getting married young is like a “long, slow, painful dream-killing death, played out over decades.” We got married when I was 18 and she was 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 251

By notapetkiller - 26/07/2016 06:12 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, while in the car with my mom, we accidentally ran over a dog that had sprinted into the road. Instead of stopping, my mom continued to drive as if nothing happened. Every time I tried to bring it up, she merely talked loudly over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 921

You deserved it 1 616

Bad actor

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 23:00

Today, I tried faking an orgasm for the first time, because I thought it would be sexy for my boyfriend. He stopped to ask me if I was okay. I guess I'm not good at faking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 312

You deserved it 1 141

By AgentOrion - 29/08/2014 04:16 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 188

You deserved it 5 889

By teachingsucks - 14/03/2010 18:29 - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 727

You deserved it 24 977

By Shadyblood - 15/08/2009 04:32 - Puerto Rico

Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 934

You deserved it 4 423

By Anonymous - 13/11/2008 08:42 - France

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 244

You deserved it 3 031

Smells like victory

By Tcake - 19/05/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I was drying off with a towel after coming in from outside. I noticed that the bathroom smelled like cat pee, so I sniffed all around to find out where my cat peed. Turns out, he peed on the towel that I was drying myself off with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 144

You deserved it 7 827

Bad day

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 02:04 - United States - White Plains

Today, I woke up feeling like I was on top of the world, until I got to work and I was demoted. Then I ordered Uber Eats for lunch, the driver was late and gave me the wrong meal. The worst part was when I got home and was dumped by my girlfriend via text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 299

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 18/07/2015 00:54 - United States - Johnson City

Today, I was Skyping with my girlfriend. I was so incredibly tired and just wanted to go to bed, but she just kept talking and wouldn't let me go. I ended up blurting "Your mom's a cunt." just to start a fight and have an excuse to hang up on her. I feel like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 592

You deserved it 41 942

By RaYan - 13/10/2008 08:22

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 417

You deserved it 75 090

By MM - 02/02/2012 14:50

Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 120

You deserved it 3 642

By PainStressLife - 11/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 274

You deserved it 3 341

By Anonymous - 16/05/2009 00:11 - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 401

You deserved it 18 173

By Tay Tay - 19/11/2010 13:55

Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "no one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 353

You deserved it 9 696

Overcome

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 16:59

Today, I just finished a client meeting. I couldn’t stop stuttering and couldn’t answer their questions. Towards the end, they just ignored me. I’ve been in the job for a year. I’m pretty much in tears now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 191

Holiday assumptions

By Red Toad - 26/12/2020 20:59 - United States - Litchfield Park

Today, I said a few words to my mom that happened to be similar to something offensive, and she misheard. I tried to tell her, but she was so angry that she assumed I was saying more offensive things. Now she is punishing everybody in the house, and I’m not allowed to speak to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 101

By Akestarr - 02/12/2013 13:28 - United States - Georgetown

Today, I found out that my dad paid for my sister's friend's airplane ticket so she could attend my sister's wedding. I would have been there myself, but I couldn't afford the airplane ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 286

You deserved it 3 640

By person - 20/09/2015 23:57 - United States - League City

Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 582

You deserved it 2 966

By qourt - 14/02/2019 15:34 - United States

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 313

You deserved it 2 259

Dangleberries

By myeyesburn - 28/10/2019 14:00 - Canada

Today, I got up from bed after a good night's sleep, and walked outside. The first thing I saw was my 60-ish year-old neighbor bent over, picking up a newspaper. He was wearing nothing but a way too short bathrobe and a pair of rubber boots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 510

You deserved it 151

By pocketrocket90 - 08/08/2014 06:05 - Australia - Capalaba

Today, I got a call from my very drunk boyfriend at 1:30am asking for my permission to have sex with a "gross fat chick" he met at a pub, because he "felt sorry for her". The conversation ended with me getting hung up on because I "don't have a heart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 260

You deserved it 5 301

Tell us more

By Amber - 02/01/2021 02:01

Today, after five years of being with my boyfriend, I found out that he is apparently very xenophobic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 187

By Brandy_Dandy78 - 12/06/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 344

You deserved it 5 794

By LetsMakeLove - 10/06/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 509

You deserved it 76 723

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 10:40 - Australia

Today, I finally got to surprise my boyfriend with a birthday cake. I spent four days planning the perfect one. First thing he says? "Erm, you know I'm 32, right?" I got his age wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 895

You deserved it 36 555

By Anonymous - 17/02/2015 19:17 - United States

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. Not an hour later, I walked in on my sister giving him a handjob in her room. And what's worse, my first reaction was just to wonder why he'd bother cheating on me for just a handjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 311

You deserved it 4 072

By Screwed - 16/03/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I had one of the worst panic attacks in years. I was worried nobody cared about me and that I had completely messed up my life. I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. My mom walked by my room, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make those noises, at least shut the door." FML

I agree, your life sucks 216 821

You deserved it 30 296

By konens_dick - 22/03/2009 10:38 - United States

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276 112

You deserved it 36 981

I did a sex

By Anonymous - 17/05/2021 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 1 009

By superfkd - 15/03/2009 02:27 - Canada

Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 857

You deserved it 70 183

Caught

By Anonymous - 14/08/2015 10:57 - Ukraine - Donetsk

Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 543

You deserved it 1 928

By Anonymous - 05/09/2011 12:05 - Reserved

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 632

You deserved it 4 765

By bummed and broke - 13/11/2012 18:24 - United States

Today, I bought an $80, "invincible" phone case. One test drop later, my phone had turned into an expensive paperweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 820

You deserved it 34 870

By goodbye cruel world - 01/12/2012 01:28 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my dad grounded me for two weeks for profusely swearing at my misbehaving laptop. After some arguing, he actually accepted my half-joking offer to play a game of CoD over it. His condition was that if I lost, my grounding period would double. We played. He kicked my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 018

You deserved it 34 569

By Tally - 24/09/2009 16:16 - Canada

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 685

You deserved it 2 848

By riiiight - 29/01/2014 22:14 - United States - Warren

Today, I went on a blind date. The first thing the guy did was ask if I knew what it felt like to have spiders crawl out of my vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 319

You deserved it 5 837

By Ricky - 16/05/2009 21:19 - Canada

Today, in order to look nice for a date, I tried the new blue mouthwash that turns plaque blue so you know where to brush. I couldn't get all the blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 284

You deserved it 47 734

Teamwork works

By Anonymous - 16/02/2021 01:58 - Australia

Today, I had a huge amount of work to get through. Two colleagues offered to help, because one had nothing else to do, and the other couldn't work until I was done. My boss got really pissed at me for "making" them do my job and wasting their time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 72

By Anonymous - 02/01/2015 22:14 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 029

You deserved it 10 212

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Top comments

slyvanilla_creme 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 7:37

You didn't know where your gf's father works? That bites.... Next time, tell him its for sex ed and your teaching kids how to put it on a banana.

Miru_fml 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 8:57

"her dads a cashier? he sure got far in life..." @#1: You shouldn't be so ignorant, some people couldn't afford higher education. Or perhaps Kim's dad was an immigrant just trying to establish a life in a new country. It's hard for them.

slyvanilla_creme 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 7:37

You didn't know where your gf's father works? That bites.... Next time, tell him its for sex ed and your teaching kids how to put it on a banana.

shh_baby_shhh 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 7:50

That's brilliant, certainly one of my favourite FMLs I've ever read.

enormouselephant 15

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Sunday 3 February 2013 14:17

I feel like he makes it sound like a threesome 'my girlfriend, Kim, and I'.

MissFae 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 7:55

I saw someone make this one up before.

jayhawk63 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 7:56

Sounds a little too much like the story of the kid who buys condoms then goes to dinner at his girlfriend's house only to find out her dad sold him the condoms... Funny, nonetheless.

RyGan 0

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Thursday 27 May 2010 18:22

I know .. I've heard this joke before .. could be a fake FML . Or a stupid OP

Agent00mo 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 8:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

taylorbear3397 0

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Wednesday 24 March 2010 6:08

Why Capitalize Every Word In Your Comment Like This

Spongii101 12

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Saturday 17 April 2010 20:56

Because he's weird.

TheNewGuy03 28

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Tuesday 14 June 2016 9:40

No, 61, he's EDGY.

Miru_fml 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 8:57

commonsense 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 8:57

this was taken out straight from the movie Wheres the Party Yaar? ......

KatieWagnerFab 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 13:26

That sucks. You should have said you we're playing a prank on someone. or you were buying them for your dad....or older brother.

anonymous23_fml 0

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Monday 23 February 2009 16:44

ookay, why do people get so crazy??? this is just a story. this isn't i-need-advice.com... it's FML.com. so let people vent and stop getting all Dr. Phill that's all :)

Tri_fml 5

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Monday 23 February 2009 16:59

@ #14 - wtf? Lots of people use protection even in a long term relationship - contraceptive pills aren't 100% effective, and some of us don't want a kid just yet. Aside from that theres no mention of how long they've been together, it could be their first time together and it's certainly advisable to use protection in that case. However. This story made me rofl, definitely going in favs :)