Animals: Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge...

By CheeseMonsters - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge watching TV with my dog. When I came back, I found her licking my dogs ears. She said he dared her to do it. FML

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Animals

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Fresh air

By Gavin - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

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By noooo!!! - United States

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - K?ge

Today, I came home from a business trip and was greeted by a foul smell. I soon found out my husband accidentally let the milk go bad by leaving it out all day, then tried to solve the problem by "balancing the temperatures" by putting it in the freezer. Oh honey, no. Just no. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I apparently had diarrhea in my sleep. I had to get up and sneak to the bathroom so as to not wake my husband. When he asked about the stain, I panicked and told him I started my period. FML

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By AllThatJazz - United States

Today, I was stage managing a school show. Some kids were goofing off backstage, so I yelled at them that they could hurt themselves. While walking back to my chair, I tripped over my own feet and fell 5 feet off the stage. I shattered my cheekbone telling kids they would hurt themselves. FML

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By creepyyy - United States

Today, trying to be nice, I added this really shy kid from my English class on Facebook. Within minutes, he started going through all my pictures and tagging himself as my breasts. FML

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By Nic - United States - Orlando

Today, for the first time in months, a potential employer was willing to give me a job. On my way out of the interview, I tripped over and broke a 1000 dollar glass table. FML

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By fml9124 - 10/7/2020 08:01

Unreasonable

Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By TheBaconater - United States - Baraboo

Today, I woke up to a voice-mail from my manager saying I had the day off. Excited, I made plans with my friends. A few minutes ago I got a call from my other manager yelling at me for not showing up, and the original manager revealed he had me confused with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 17:01

Daydream believer

Today, I apparently fell asleep during a work Zoom meeting. I awoke to no meeting on my screen and an e-mail from my boss saying I was terminated, and to do something about my "sleep apnea." FML

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By ewww - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my friends, when a creepy man sat at the table next to us, and started rubbing his crotch, his gaze never leaving my feet. FML

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By shia

Today, I got a super short pixie cut. All my boyfriend could do was stare at me, speechless. I thought he was taken aback by how cute it was until he told me that I look exactly like my fifteen year old brother. FML

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By wtfdaughter - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By Creeped Out

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

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By beat10 - United States

Today, I was fired for "customer dissatisfaction." I work in IT and have never met one of my company's customers. FML

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By lyinginbed - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a field with my boyfriend and he picked me some pretty flowers. I hugged him and leant in to sniff them. In doing so, I inhaled a bee up my nose and had to force it out my swollen nostril after it had stung me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to go to my Hotmail account on my boyfriend's computer. When I typed in "hot", a big history list came down. It was all "Hot single mom looking for a good lay" Craigslist ads. FML

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By Falcon - United States

Today, I had to pee in the kitchen sink because my bathroom is being completely revamped, and the only other toilet in the house is my parents'. They refuse to let anyone use it. FML

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By Anonymous

Testimony night

Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checked to see if I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scolded for staying up. Turns out they were checking so that they could make love. I witnessed two 70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for 20 minutes. FML

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By lonelyman - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

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By secretdeo - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

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By 2ndgenoration - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, I learned that if you complain to your mom about your future mother-in-law's bitchiness, your overprotective mom might confront her about it and end up punching her in the face. My fiancée blames me for the incident. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

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By Anonymous

Underestimated overachiever

Today, I told my cousin I was admitted to a top MBA program. He asked if it was an online-only certificate program. FML

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By sad trick Or treat - Denmark

Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML

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By Username

Today, I came home to a lease violation and a $220 fine after a routine pest control visit. The violation: my single beta fish in a small bowl. FML

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By Anonymous

My 21st birthday

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

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By annabellebyebye - United States

Today, I bought a kitten. I've wanted a cat for years and decided to finally buy one now that I have my own apartment. It turns out I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By I love my furry babies

Today, I got a hamster against my wife's will. I can't wait until she wakes up and I have to tell her it's loose in the house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lakeville

#winning

Today, I placed $20 in a slot machine at a casino and in a matter of 5 minutes lost it all. My sister then sat at the same machine, put her $20 in and quadrupled her money. FML

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By Username

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

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By MikeIsMaster - South Africa

Today, I invited my boss for supper as we get on pretty well. Everything was going well, until my German Shepherd bit him. FML

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By Nightbird827

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By alycion

Today, I took my father to a hockey game. He always has to get pictures with the girls, so while in bag check, he used his breath spray. He got me in the eye, and I was temporarily blinded through most of the first period. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally got myself settled into bed around 2 in the morning after a very long day. My cat started to snuggle with me when I smelled something disgusting. Turns out my cat sharted in my bed. FML

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By Z88 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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Top comments

By Blahp | 0

#796082 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:11

Yay for weird friends!

By nikkers | 0

#796130 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:23

least the dog only dared her to lick its ears...

COMMENTS

By Blahp | 0

#796082 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:11

Yay for weird friends!

toxic10uhc | 0

#799182 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:40

or stoned friends? >_>

killerviral | 0

#836207 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 1:45

muuuusssshhhhroooommmmmssss <(•.•)>

myknewverr | 0

#1753465 - Friday 26 November 2010 7:09

the dog talks to her!! haha

TodayImAlive | 0

#4795711 - Friday 10 August 2012 5:14

wowed friend are cool.

baconsdelight701 | 17

#5724569 - Monday 21 October 2013 14:13

FML? More like WTF?

By BigHunt | 2

#796086 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:11

That's pretty gross. She said the dog dared her? She must be off her rocker

By hailster17 | 5

#796089 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:11

I hope you cut your friend off at that point. I would have taken her drink and just drank it myself.

By cutebuttshorty | 0

#796092 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:12

ummmmmm this I weird! mmk

By sm_shelby | 0

#796104 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:15

your friend is a freak. thats it.

By beachycat | 0

#796108 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:15

WTF? Disgusting

By chocolateperson1 | 0

#796117 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:18

Can i six lettered word that means crazy a$$ or you friend?

chocolateperson1 | 0

#796141 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:26

*your

lil_junkie69 | 0

#797530 - Monday 25 January 2010 12:00

ur cutea

By nikkers | 0

#796130 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:23

least the dog only dared her to lick its ears...

Bojanglies | 0

#796416 - Sunday 24 January 2010 23:42

I hear that

toxic10uhc | 0

#799187 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:43

kah büm!

By amira101 | 20

#796134 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:23

creepy

By HanaxD | 0

#796150 - Sunday 24 January 2010 20:28

Lmao. This put this funny image in my head, I imagined MY friends doing that xD
Seriously, your friend is weird. Licking a dogs ears is weird on it's own, don't even get me started on the statement "The dog dared me." :O