Today, I went out with a group of friends. I hadn't gone out... - FML

By driezal - 14/6/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, I went out with a group of friends. I hadn't gone out in a few months since my fiancé left me. They promised me there wouldn't be drinking and would just be video game stuff. By 10pm, everyone was wasted, I got thrown up on and I had to walk home fifteen blocks. FML

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driezal tells us more :

To all those that commented: "Why didn't you drink too? Party pooper!" Actually, I'm allergic to alcohol. I did have one drink, but anymore than that and my body starts to go into shock. Then it's a lovely trip to the hospital. Yep, I know, such a party pooper, eh? Thanks for the nice comments though. You guys get karma points.

Messed up

Breaking Badly

Recycling helps

By Stressed - 24/9/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

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By curly_eyelashes - 24/2/2013 14:30 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

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By jake - 13/9/2011 20:13 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2015 04:05 - United States - Racine

Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML

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By Darth Binks - 1/2/2015 18:48 - Canada

Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2012 21:42 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

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By atleasthelocalsarenice - 4/3/2017 12:00

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

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By ashamed - 20/1/2016 19:00 - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

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By ohyaknow - 30/9/2010 09:56 - United States

Communication

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

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By secretagentsam00 - 31/3/2020 23:00

Thug life

Today, I found out my dog is a felon. He broke into a neighbor's house by breaking in through the screen door. He also vandalized their property by shitting on their carpet. Our neighbors are now considering suing us. FML

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By needanewphone - 22/1/2012 22:03 - United States

Today, while I was getting ready to take a shower, I placed my phone on the counter next to the toilet. While I was washing my hair, someone called me. My phone was on vibrate, so I didn't hear it until it vibrated off the counter and into the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

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By Courtney - 12/11/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 14:00

You ass!

Today, my jerk of an ex messaged to apologize for dumping me two weeks ago. I took the high road and was overtly polite and friendly, hoping to end things civil. Our conversation ended when he casually mentioned he is moving in with his new girlfriend. FML

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By Frozen Food Fan - 11/8/2015 14:29 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

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By Nutless - 2/4/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, one of my baseball teammates thought it would be funny to perform a "cup-check", by hitting our crotches with the end of a baseball bat. I was actually watching the game, so I didn't see him when he came up and hit me. I wasn't wearing a cup. My nuts have shrunk by half of regular size. FML

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By Ugh - 14/6/2016 20:41 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

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By anon - 18/1/2012 18:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 08:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2010 02:00 - United States

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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By myfavoritesgouda - 24/6/2013 05:20 - United States - Manhasset

Today, my boss gave me an autographed photo of himself after he heard that I think he's intimidatingly attractive. FML

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By rachele321 - 20/8/2019 02:00

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2016 06:53 - United States - Manchester

Today, I introduced my long-distance boyfriend of 2 years to my friends. I told him how my friends jokingly call him my imaginary Internet boyfriend. He thought it was so funny that when they met, he claimed to be my cousin, saying that I paid him to pretend to be my boyfriend. They believed him. FML

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By iwillcutyou - 6/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I work in retail and today this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

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By twofade - 24/10/2018 23:00 - United States

Today, after a year and a half of growing out my hair, I decided to get it trimmed at a Superclips. I walked in with a full head of hair and I left bald. At least it was free. FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - 20/11/2013 07:59 - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By some_girl_19 - 5/8/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was in the middle of an intense orgasm when we heard the panicky voice of his little sister saying there was an emergency downstairs. He jumped up and left to see what the matter was. The big emergency? The Wii remotes had dead batteries. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2019 01:00

It's not mine, dumbass

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 17:37 - Germany - Naurath

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 11:02 - United States - York

All that time I'm never getting back

Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters”. FML

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By Nell - 30/6/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

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By bigbum - 4/11/2012 09:50 - Australia - Glenroy

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. It would have been great if he weren't drunk with a naked girl next to him. FML

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By loser doctor - 2/1/2009 11:14 - Philippines

Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML

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By cabatt - 13/1/2019 04:00

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

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By only my life - 22/4/2014 22:21 - United States - Concord

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

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By mrmarshall - 17/5/2019 05:44

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss pulled me into his office and gave me a write-up for quitting, told me that he knows where I live and that I'd better be at work tomorrow or he's going to come and drag me into work. FML

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By Username - 6/1/2011 07:49

Today, I found the birthday card my grandma had mailed. Apparently, it contained a gift of $100. Too bad it was in my mom's trash can, opened, with no money. She told my grandma it must have gotten lost in the mail. FML

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By Sensitive!!! - 24/8/2020 21:56 - Australia - Brisbane

A teaching moment

Today, my husband is so bad at foreplay that when he remembers to try and turn me on, he digs around really hard like he's scratching a bug bite. Last time, his nail sliced my clitoris. FML

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Top comments

By Jessaly_fml | 0

#303588 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:03

NEVER BELIEVE FRIENDS.
At least not when it comes to large groups.

By zfchatroulette | 24

#5347452 - Wednesday 30 January 2013 19:27

I think it's funny that although you already posted this comment, people are still going on about how they think you deserved it because you didn't drink. Sorry OP, this website is full of assholes.

COMMENTS

By Jessaly_fml | 0

#303588 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:03

NEVER BELIEVE FRIENDS.
At least not when it comes to large groups.

Reply

maddieguinn | 0

#980765 - Saturday 17 April 2010 4:32

why didn't u get wasted to??

Reply

2kool4skoolyo | 0

#1173680 - Monday 2 August 2010 1:53

when do girls play video games ...smells fake

By Xero3g | 5

#303598 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:07

Friends are never trustworthy. Drunk friends are even worse.

By englishmuffin | 0

#303602 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:08

The drinking part I think you would have seen coming? But everything else, yeah that sucks. =[

By FMLwrestler | 0

#303607 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:11

No wonder your fiance left you. You sound like kind of a bore. Sorry if I come across too strong, but don't you realize guys like girls who know how to have fun once in awhile? But as for the throw-up and fiance part, those do suck though.

By Arrgh_fml | 2

#303610 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:12

awwwwww poor you!!!
but HAHAHAH still that was funny
u could have beat them up and they wouldn't have known its youuuuu

By jaybirdka | 0

#303624 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:17

quit being a pussy and go out and get laid.

By habeeboburky94 | 0

#303631 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By TheGasMaskGuy | 0

#303632 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:23

I would have drowned my soul.

By ForTheF_ckingWin | 0

#303640 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:26

I would taken the closest keys and dipset out

By Kenji_fml | 0

#303641 - Sunday 14 June 2009 12:26

Sounds like fun