Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore.... - FML

By whymanwhy - 13/4/2015 10:43 - Czech Republic

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore. He stood up and said he was leaving when I said that I didn't like 50 Shades of Grey, because he, "doesn't want to be near a bitch who doesn't know her place". He then told me to give him a ride home. FML

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Proactive

Doomed

Boom, headshot

By fckdsamaritan - 16/12/2010 19:35 - Tunisia

Today, I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. FML

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By me - 16/1/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends ranted on about how I am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends don't like me. I just spent over $200 on a surprise party that I invited them all to last weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 23:00

Quickie

Today, I realised that unless I masturbate about an hour before sex, sex lasts less than 20 seconds, but even after masturbating I’m still lucky to last a single minute. I don’t know how to stop disappointing her, and she’s my first serious girlfriend. I’m pathetic. FML

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By sadgirl - 16/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend's mom and the subject of marriage came up. She told me she hopes I'll find my prince charming very soon and leave her son alone. FML

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By Rick - 22/5/2012 11:02 - United States - Spartanburg

Today, I didn't even bother to turn my cellphone off in a movie theater because I knew no one would text me or call. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By screewit - 20/2/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

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By noname - 27/12/2008 04:07 - France

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

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By anon - 31/3/2016 01:09 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I went to 7-11, where the cashier asked me if I had the app to get rewards. She then looked at me and said, "Never mind, I can tell you don't." I guess I have no control over my resting bitch face. FML

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By Emily - 17/12/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via the medium of free-style rapping. FML

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By tiredofcrazy - 18/3/2014 09:14 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend stormed out after I suggested to him that his relationship with his mother is maybe a little weird. Apparently having regular, hour-long phone discussions about your penis is a perfectly normal thing for a 23-year-old to have with his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 16:46 - United States

Today, I spent three hours getting ready to go out to lunch with my boyfriend, only to find out he meant we're going to the McDonald's inside Wal-Mart so he can also pick up condoms. FML

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By fml7458364838 - 25/6/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I was texting the girl I am in love with. I was dropping hints about liking someone who I didn't know if they liked me back. Flirting a little. And just when I thought she'd say she liked me too, she said "Don't worry, if you were straight, I would definitely date you!". FML

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By TheSentinel05 - 27/10/2020 12:01 - United States - San Jose

Jumpy

Today, my mom said my name and startled me so badly, I jumped and dropped the glass I was holding. She still isn’t speaking to me for breaking her favorite glass. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2014 23:48 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 21:45 - United States - Loveland

Today, during my family's traditional 4th of July weekend celebration, my water broke. I kept trying to tell them and asked them to take me to the hospital, but they couldn't hear me over the fireworks. They all just kept smiling and nodding. FML

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By Adrian16 - 18/1/2010 11:01 - Norway

Today, I was vacuuming our house because I wanted to help my parents. I wore a headset while listening to REALLY loud music. The vacuuming job took me two hours and when I took of my headset I noticed that I hadn't started the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By TheNewCashierInTown - 23/5/2016 19:30 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, it was my second day working as a cashier in a drug store. I thought everything went great, but by the end of my shift, my cash register was $10 short. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad if on my first day it hadn't been $30 short. FML

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By ssjfml - 11/8/2015 14:56 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, while enjoying the nice weather in a park, I opened my eyes to the sight of some guy jacking off, half-hidden behind a tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 19:31 - France - Paris

Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML

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By s3xygrandpa - 6/11/2013 19:09 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML

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By singleladynow - 20/1/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

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By weddingcrashed - 19/9/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2012 07:10 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was sitting in the park with my new dog; I got her from the pound last week. We were enjoying the sun when I noticed that every time a black person walked past, she'd bark like crazy. Great, my dog is a racist. FML

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By Aries_gurl - 23/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

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By nolife - 5/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

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By Michelle - 15/8/2011 08:15 - United States

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - 24/9/2012 07:18 - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By HatedbyBras - 14/6/2009 21:37 - Netherlands

Today, I tried to take off my girlfriend's bra. When I finally unhooked it, it snapped back and hit me in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 04:12 - Australia

Today, I started a new job. The supervisor handed me a badge with the name 'Rachel' on it, which is not my name. When I told her this, she responded with, "I know, but it will be easier for the customers to pronounce than your actual name." FML

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By "BunnysKitty" - 15/9/2017 23:15

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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By thegreatcometofawayhamilton - 20/10/2017 01:48

Today, I twisted my ankle and fractured my wrist while dancing. I audition for a performing arts school in one week. FML

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By furbys69 - 31/5/2017 09:00 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get frisky when the Furby Party Rocker all the way across the room started going off on its own and completely killed the mood. I took the batteries out of the little bastard immediately, but the mood was lost. FML

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By lynn - 22/6/2012 16:14 - Australia - Bongaree

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 05:00

Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML

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By 2classicNot2 - 9/4/2011 07:52 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

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By upsetandannoyed - 1/1/2012 05:41 - United States

Today, my friend set me up with a cute guy who is very germaphobic. So, I spent 4 hours cleaning my apartment. 2 minutes into the date, I sneezed. He politely told me he wasn't feeling well and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 12:37 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML

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By randomguy - 9/7/2012 15:09 - United States - Saylorsburg

Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML

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Top comments

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6261579 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Drive him further away from his house and kick him out.

By devildog562 | 33

#6261580 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

If I were you I would have left my date there and been done. At least you didn't put forth years of energy and sacrifice before you discovered he's a P.O.S.

COMMENTS

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6261579 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Drive him further away from his house and kick him out.

Reply

Sansa_fml | 38

#6261589 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

Great idea! Show him who's the boss.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6261666 - Monday 13 April 2015 19:00

#10: Yeah! And gag him with a silk tie.

Reply

krazayman | 18

#6262220 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 5:32

bro #38 you just went 0 to 100 reeal quick

Reply

JazzHandsFML | 28

#6262592 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 16:39

gag 113 and put him in the trunk next to him

Reply

man_eating_bunny | 18

#6262973 - Wednesday 15 April 2015 0:36

Hope you said "Sorry bitches who don't know their own place don't give assholes a ride home"

By devildog562 | 33

#6261580 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

If I were you I would have left my date there and been done. At least you didn't put forth years of energy and sacrifice before you discovered he's a P.O.S.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6261661 - Monday 13 April 2015 18:53

Hear hear!

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6261902 - Monday 13 April 2015 23:13

Indeed it's good he showed himself so early.

Reply

petrine | 17

#6261934 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 0:00

Agreed!

Seems like she dodged a bullet there..

Reply

thisisbutaname | 38

#7780733 - Wednesday 13 March 2019 13:17

And obviously refuse to drive him. You're a "bitch who doesn't know her place", after all

By 1dvos_grl3 | 21

#6261581 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Fuck him and his ride sweetie, you deserve better.

Reply

Killswitchknot | 20

#6262138 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 3:32

Any woman who is told to "know her place" deserves better. I hope she did what #1 said.

By mtrrace | 4

#6261583 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6261610 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:44

To be an chauvinist asshole ?

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6261637 - Monday 13 April 2015 18:15

That's not even what BDSM is about, the slave has all the power, it's empowering not an excuse to be a chauvinist pig

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6261650 - Monday 13 April 2015 18:38

#27 Please do not degrade pigs by comparing them to garbage . I rather respect and love bacon.

Reply

mtrrace | 4

#6261672 - Monday 13 April 2015 19:08

I didn't say what he wants is good ?

Reply

photographer49 | 22

#6261860 - Monday 13 April 2015 22:28

#42 But you are justifying his actions, and there is never any justification for being an asshole.

By JMichael | 25

#6261584 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Did you kick the shit out of him?

Reply

MzZombicidal | 36

#6262329 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 8:00

If he was my date, he would have been 50 Shades of Fucked Up.

By vreid | 20

#6261585 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

I really hope you didn't give him a ride!

By Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6261586 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Should've let him find his own way home.

By Bulldozer36 | 21

#6261587 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

What the actual fuck? Douchey McDouche needs to learn his place.

By Corey122726 | 17

#6261588 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

Did you tell him you'd give him a ride on the new Footup Yourass Express? Conveniently located on your right shoe.

By Onyx3288 | 22

#6261590 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:33

Dafuk

Reply

firefox9778 | 20

#6261812 - Monday 13 April 2015 21:24

"Dafuk" is wrong with your English.