Love: Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore.... - FML

13/04/2015 10:43 - Czech Republic

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore. He stood up and said he was leaving when I said that I didn't like 50 Shades of Grey, because he, "doesn't want to be near a bitch who doesn't know her place". He then told me to give him a ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 096

You deserved it 3 329

Taking stock

The smell detective is on the case

Time for a change

23/06/2013 04:10 - United States - Seattle

Today, while working the graveyard shift at my hotel, it felt a little chilly, so I grabbed a blanket out of the box we usually store old blankets in. 20 minutes later, the live-in maintenance man casually remarked that those blankets are all infected with bed-bugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 948

You deserved it 7 237

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 04:03

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 4 864

08/11/2016 09:44 - Germany - Kornwestheim

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 303

You deserved it 1 828

17/07/2015 23:04 - United States - Farmington

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet in a public restroom. That would have been bad enough, without the guy in the next stall saying, "Jesus! What the hell did you eat?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 664

You deserved it 3 440

Themed

By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 05:03 - United States - Burlington

Today, I blew Christmas out of my nose. Out of one nostril came thick green mucus, and out of the other, thick red blood. Let the holiday season begin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 123

21/05/2015 02:49 - United States - Willimantic

Today, I got a call from a really great company that I applied to work for, asking me to come in for an interview. When I went in, they had no appointment scheduled and no idea who I was. It turned out it was all a prank by my brother and his friends. My brother is 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 464

You deserved it 2 152

Apron strings

By heatherjo - 02/11/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 397

You deserved it 3 916

12/06/2011 04:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me. I was crying for over an hour in my room. My dad came in and asked what was wrong. Just as I was about to tell him, he stops me and simply says "Oh, honey. I don't care... Just keep the noise down." Then walks out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 353

You deserved it 6 898

15/04/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 508

You deserved it 4 075

Time flies by

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 16:59

Today, long after ten years ago when I answered the door to someone asking if my mummy and daddy were home, and I was 24 and it was my house, I just now got asked if my 30 year-old sister was my daughter. Time has not been kind to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 869

You deserved it 96

30/03/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 444

You deserved it 8 080

24/07/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I discovered my 18 year old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 400

You deserved it 7 644

16/05/2009 21:19 - Canada

Today, in order to look nice for a date, I tried the new blue mouthwash that turns plaque blue so you know where to brush. I couldn't get all the blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 283

You deserved it 47 728

02/12/2012 18:55 - United Kingdom - Southwold

Spicy

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 322

You deserved it 2 536

31/10/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I found out that whenever a mistake is made at my work, my boss assumes that it was me, unless indicated otherwise, but he has never said anything to me about it because of my 'learning disorder'. I don't have a learning disorder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 435

You deserved it 2 656

01/07/2012 01:00

Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 411

You deserved it 2 584

28/01/2015 01:24 - United States - Rochester

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 401

You deserved it 2 959

Acrophobia

By Matthew Smith - 21/06/2021 21:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my new drone got stuck on the neighbour's roof. I'd bought the drone to look at my roof because I don’t like going up on ladders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 554

03/09/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 085

You deserved it 8 874

10/11/2011 03:15 - India

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 713

You deserved it 11 813

27/12/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, I came home early, and my boyfriend's car was in my driveway. Inside, he was talking to my parents. He walked right past me and left. My mother then says "He wanted me to tell you it's over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 209

You deserved it 2 840

17/02/2010 06:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 413

You deserved it 2 701

02/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I found out my Nuva ring comes out quite easily, especially when he manages to hook it around the tip of his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 177

You deserved it 440

21/01/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 133

You deserved it 6 040

Slasher

By Anonymous - 09/09/2013 17:44 - United States - Sylvania

Today, my mom bumped into a table with a glass vase on it. Seeing that the vase was about to fall, I lunged to catch it. Before I got there, the vase fell and shattered, resulting in me diving into the broken shards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 860

You deserved it 5 919

13/06/2016 15:27 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 444

You deserved it 786

28/08/2016 06:36 - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 448

You deserved it 1 068

03/04/2012 18:19 - United States - Clover

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 674

You deserved it 27 140

06/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 200

You deserved it 12 308

17/05/2015 21:27 - Germany - Emskirchen

Today, I had an outdoor meeting with some important clients. It wasn't until the meeting was over that my coworker decided to inform me that I had bird poop in my hair "pretty much the entire time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 920

You deserved it 2 115

04/03/2010 00:36 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be amusing to sneak into my room and jump me in my bed. Too bad that when she jumped, one of her knees landed on my crotch. I haven't been able to walk properly since this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 586

You deserved it 3 080

31/07/2013 22:49 - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 664

You deserved it 47 388

24/09/2015 23:31 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I caught my husband and the cat licking the butter together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 196

You deserved it 2 278

27/01/2011 20:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 646

You deserved it 2 392

Great first impression

By Anonymous - 05/11/2020 10:57

Today, I finally spoke to a counsellor about my depression. As soon as the session started, I became so anxious that I could barely speak. Once the Zoom call was finished, I got the distinct impression that she thought I was mentally disabled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 103

Assumptions part 27674

By dads can’t cook? - 17/03/2021 21:30

Today, I was messaging a new friend when she mentioned her dad was cooking dinner that night. I jokingly texted, “Oh no! I’m sorry!” Turns out her dad is a professional chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 1 085

20/06/2009 05:47 - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 348

You deserved it 13 404

03/03/2015 10:15 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 274

You deserved it 11 480

No shot

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 04:01

Today, I had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. I'm one of the 0.5% of people who get pregnant after having their tubes tied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 77

08/02/2017 04:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I was playing tug of war with my dog. She let go and I ended up punching myself in the mouth. My lip is still swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 896

You deserved it 1 066

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Top comments

Cortezthe1st 23

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Drive him further away from his house and kick him out.

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

If I were you I would have left my date there and been done. At least you didn't put forth years of energy and sacrifice before you discovered he's a P.O.S.

Comments

Cortezthe1st 23

Send a private message

Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Drive him further away from his house and kick him out.

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

Great idea! Show him who's the boss.

doctorhook86 24

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Monday 13 April 2015 19:00

#10: Yeah! And gag him with a silk tie.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 5:32

bro #38 you just went 0 to 100 reeal quick

JazzHandsFML 28

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 16:39

gag 113 and put him in the trunk next to him

man_eating_bunny 18

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Wednesday 15 April 2015 0:36

Hope you said "Sorry bitches who don't know their own place don't give assholes a ride home"

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

If I were you I would have left my date there and been done. At least you didn't put forth years of energy and sacrifice before you discovered he's a P.O.S.

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Monday 13 April 2015 18:53

Hear hear!

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Monday 13 April 2015 23:13

Indeed it's good he showed himself so early.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 0:00

Agreed! Seems like she dodged a bullet there..

thisisbutaname 38

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Wednesday 13 March 2019 13:17

And obviously refuse to drive him. You're a "bitch who doesn't know her place", after all

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Fuck him and his ride sweetie, you deserve better.

Killswitchknot 20

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 3:32

Any woman who is told to "know her place" deserves better. I hope she did what #1 said.

Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:44

To be an chauvinist asshole ?

domolovesyoshi 33

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Monday 13 April 2015 18:15

That's not even what BDSM is about, the slave has all the power, it's empowering not an excuse to be a chauvinist pig

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Monday 13 April 2015 18:38

#27 Please do not degrade pigs by comparing them to garbage . I rather respect and love bacon.

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Monday 13 April 2015 19:08

I didn't say what he wants is good ?

photographer49 22

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Monday 13 April 2015 22:28

#42 But you are justifying his actions, and there is never any justification for being an asshole.

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Did you kick the shit out of him?

MzZombicidal 36

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 8:00

If he was my date, he would have been 50 Shades of Fucked Up.

vreid 20

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

I really hope you didn't give him a ride!

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Should've let him find his own way home.

Bulldozer36 21

Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

What the actual fuck? Douchey McDouche needs to learn his place.

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

Did you tell him you'd give him a ride on the new Footup Yourass Express? Conveniently located on your right shoe.

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Monday 13 April 2015 17:33

Dafuk

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Monday 13 April 2015 21:24

"Dafuk" is wrong with your English.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 273

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 594

You deserved it 69