Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore.... - FML

By whymanwhy - 13/4/2015 10:43 - Czech Republic

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy I met at a bookstore. He stood up and said he was leaving when I said that I didn't like 50 Shades of Grey, because he, "doesn't want to be near a bitch who doesn't know her place". He then told me to give him a ride home. FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Relationships sink

Tidy your room

By froyo - 26/2/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 18:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

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By yif2 - 16/5/2015 11:47 - United States

Today, while mowing my backyard, I messily discovered that a family of rabbits has been living out there in the tall grass. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

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By anon - 31/8/2014 15:14 - United States

Today, while finally about to make love with my long term boyfriend, he came from putting a condom on. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2018 06:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML

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By soul0eater - 12/3/2011 07:18 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML

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By shadysheikh - 29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

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By Trollface - 31/1/2017 20:00 - Canada

Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out, "I wish you were cuter." FML

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By fmylifebadddd - 18/4/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, was my birthday. My friends love to play pranks on me. So when I entered the door for my surprise party, I became aware of the surroundings. There was nothing. Everyone was staring as I slowly entered the room. When I closed the door behind me, a freaking bucket of pee fell all over me. FML

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By Criminal - 13/7/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

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By StomachofTinfoil - 24/11/2014 01:59 - United States - Bar Harbor

Today, I was elected to learn how to clean the birthing tub at the hospital I work at. Today, I also discovered that while blood doesn't bother me, floating chunks of afterbirth and god knows what else, will cause me to projectile vomit into said tub. Which I still had to clean afterwards. FML

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By Respect101 - 26/6/2014 00:20 - United States - Alvin

Today, I was talking to my boss about dogs and cats. I'm a dog person; he's a cat person. He told me that he likes cats better, because they are laid back and don't do anything all day. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Just like you?" FML

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By lovemyteacher - 14/11/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I got my science test back. I thought I did a horrible job on it, but only three were circled. I was happy but doubtful that I did so well, so I asked my teacher just to make sure. He said it was faster to circle the correct answers. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 04:35 - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

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By nabru - 6/7/2018 15:00

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 06:58 - Canada

Today, my husband rescued our daughter's cat from a tree. She spent the next hour clapping and telling me how much of a hero he was. Last night at 2am I was awoken by meowing and had to rescue the same cat from the same tree, in the dark, and halfway down he shit on me. No one called me a hero. FML

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By womanlover12345 - 18/7/2011 16:05 - Spain

Today, I finally told my girlfriend of four months that I love her. Her response was, "Uh... thanks?" FML

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By phonesnshit - 29/5/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

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By oink401 - 5/11/2011 15:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2014 20:07 - Switzerland

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. Out of nowhere, a huge, apparently suicidal bird dove into the windshield, putting a crack in it. My father yelled at me as if it was my fault, and is demanding I pay for the repairs. FML

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By stalked - 8/1/2014 20:27 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML

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By nofinal - 10/12/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7 am to take my last final. When I got to the parking lot, I realized my car was missing. After speaking to the police for 3 hours, I called my girlfriend to let her know what happened. She then told me I had parked on the street the night before. So much for the 8 am final. FML

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By ANON - 21/8/2015 06:22 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, one of my ears randomly went deaf. I went to the doctor, thinking I had an ear infection or something. Turns out that your ears can go deaf entirely without reason, and I now have medication to take to see if I can get any of my hearing back in that ear. I'm only 26. FML

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By bootyislife - 16/6/2015 20:01 - United States - Lynnwood

Hidden

Today, my girlfriend made me put a blanket over my head while giving me a blowjob because she didn't like the faces I was making. FML

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By volleyballgirl12 - 17/1/2010 06:31 - France

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

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By Abrams52 - 28/5/2013 05:44 - United States - Fishers

Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML

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By fmyboss - 13/10/2019 07:00

People never learn

Today, I was made fun of at work by my mom and my supervisor. I work at a kids' anti-bullying camp. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2019 20:25

Today, it appears that I spent three years of my life studying for a degree to find myself driving around looking for potholes. That's literally my job. I didn't even study roading, my civil engineering degree is in designing structures. FML

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By yummy(: - 31/10/2010 02:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML

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By sociallyanxiousroomie - 19/4/2016 10:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates had a party while I stayed in my room, and that was fine by me. What was not fine was when a stranger broke into my room, asked to lay next to me, and then just went ahead and did it. FML

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By caleighrossi - 16/6/2014 00:21 - United States - Ottumwa

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

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By Ella - 24/7/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

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By Stuckinbed - 19/3/2020 21:00

Hippity hoppity

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

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By anonymous - 24/10/2014 01:25 - United States - West Babylon

Today, my best friend and I, after years of sexual tension, began to have sex for the first time. Things got heated and he decided to abruptly stand up with me around him. I got so nervous, spazzed out, and now have 37 staples in my head courtesy of his bookshelf. FML

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By sexxibxmami - 19/2/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while I was in the car. I didn't even notice it happen. Ninja cops do exist. FML

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By thecarisfine - 14/3/2015 04:27 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while on a date, I desperately let out a stealth fart in my date's car. I didn't have the nerve to own up to it, even as he started panicking and thinking the smell was coming from his engine. FML

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By juliet - 6/4/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

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Top comments

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6261579 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Drive him further away from his house and kick him out.

By devildog562 | 33

#6261580 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

If I were you I would have left my date there and been done. At least you didn't put forth years of energy and sacrifice before you discovered he's a P.O.S.

Comments

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6261579 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Drive him further away from his house and kick him out.

Reply

Sansa_fml | 38

#6261589 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

Great idea! Show him who's the boss.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6261666 - Monday 13 April 2015 19:00

#10: Yeah! And gag him with a silk tie.

Reply

krazayman | 18

#6262220 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 5:32

bro #38 you just went 0 to 100 reeal quick

Reply

JazzHandsFML | 28

#6262592 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 16:39

gag 113 and put him in the trunk next to him

Reply

man_eating_bunny | 18

#6262973 - Wednesday 15 April 2015 0:36

Hope you said "Sorry bitches who don't know their own place don't give assholes a ride home"

By devildog562 | 33

#6261580 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

If I were you I would have left my date there and been done. At least you didn't put forth years of energy and sacrifice before you discovered he's a P.O.S.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6261661 - Monday 13 April 2015 18:53

Hear hear!

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6261902 - Monday 13 April 2015 23:13

Indeed it's good he showed himself so early.

Reply

petrine | 17

#6261934 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 0:00

Agreed!

Seems like she dodged a bullet there..

Reply

thisisbutaname | 38

#7780733 - Wednesday 13 March 2019 13:17

And obviously refuse to drive him. You're a "bitch who doesn't know her place", after all

By 1dvos_grl3 | 21

#6261581 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:29

Fuck him and his ride sweetie, you deserve better.

Reply

Killswitchknot | 20

#6262138 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 3:32

Any woman who is told to "know her place" deserves better. I hope she did what #1 said.

By mtrrace | 4

#6261583 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6261610 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:44

To be an chauvinist asshole ?

Reply

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6261637 - Monday 13 April 2015 18:15

That's not even what BDSM is about, the slave has all the power, it's empowering not an excuse to be a chauvinist pig

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6261650 - Monday 13 April 2015 18:38

#27 Please do not degrade pigs by comparing them to garbage . I rather respect and love bacon.

Reply

mtrrace | 4

#6261672 - Monday 13 April 2015 19:08

I didn't say what he wants is good ?

Reply

photographer49 | 22

#6261860 - Monday 13 April 2015 22:28

#42 But you are justifying his actions, and there is never any justification for being an asshole.

By JMichael | 25

#6261584 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Did you kick the shit out of him?

Reply

MzZombicidal | 36

#6262329 - Tuesday 14 April 2015 8:00

If he was my date, he would have been 50 Shades of Fucked Up.

By vreid | 20

#6261585 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

I really hope you didn't give him a ride!

By Hiimhaileypotter | 49

#6261586 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:30

Should've let him find his own way home.

By Bulldozer36 | 21

#6261587 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

What the actual fuck? Douchey McDouche needs to learn his place.

By Corey122726 | 17

#6261588 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:31

Did you tell him you'd give him a ride on the new Footup Yourass Express? Conveniently located on your right shoe.

By Onyx3288 | 22

#6261590 - Monday 13 April 2015 17:33

Dafuk

Reply

firefox9778 | 20

#6261812 - Monday 13 April 2015 21:24

"Dafuk" is wrong with your English.