Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML
Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML
Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML
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Top comments
krsimir 0
Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind
frozenfreeze 5
They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?
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Comments (348)
pagullarka 9
I had lost my ring once if you find it in there let me know please :)
nikkitoranoko412 6
Well... Pubes are one thing. Toilet paper is a whole other issue.
withered 30
"a whole another tissue". Bad pun, I know.
RachIzHere 0
I feel a bit qweezy... I'm so sorry. Bot all of us girls are like that, I promise.
pagullarka 9
You can't be serious,
vbmg152 19
No we're not! That's gross!
Pjaney 5
I think she meant "not" - at least I hope she did!!
RedPillSucks 33
That's when you put some listerine in your mouth and continued on, right?
justlikeme79 9
Holy goddamn shit OW, motherf*cker.
KM96 24
Do guys expect girls to shave / get waxed every time ?? OP sorry about the 'dirty situation'.
MrClassicsMan 3
Personally? Shaved/waxed every time, no. At least trimmed and free of urine residue and toilet paper, yes. Could you please elaborate as to why that would be an unreasonable request?
love_me_electric 20
it seems like most guys expect their girlfriends to be perfectly smooth all the time, meanwhile their shit is hairy as all hell. before men complain about how their girlfriends haven't shaved in a week they should think about the fact that they haven't trimmed their bush in months
KM96 24
198 I wasn't saying that it wasn't unreasonable I was just asking - and yes true it would be expected that there wouldn't be any toilet paper or urine residue - that is definitely not unreasonable to ask!
JMichael 26
In the words of Cleveland "that's nasty."
twiins_fml 5
Eww thats gross
pastnastificatio 4
Turn the tables on her, it's only fair. Don't shower for a few days. Or better yet, good ol' ATM...
Jirekianu2 19
Welcome to the hall of redwings. Over there is the new arrivals secrion. Complimentary toothbrush, toothpaste, and mouth wash available. The kitchen is also serving beer, hard alcohol, and strongly flavored foods.
coreydsmith 0
Nasty!!