Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming...

By anonymouse - 9/3/2011 19:37 - Reserved

Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming the guitar to a song on my iPod, after glancing at the reflection in the window I realized it looked like I was masturbating. FML

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Intimacy

Race against the clock

Alternative medicine is bull

Cloth ears

By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 02:02

Helping hand

Today, its been so long since I've been single, I’ve reached the age where I need Viagra just to masturbate since there’s no woman in my life to save the pills for. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 10:01 - United Kingdom - London

Paranoia

Today, I asked a girl to move from Tinder to WhatsApp, after 3 weeks of nice chat. She said no way, and that I just wanted nudes and then unmatched. The only intention I had was getting to know her and asking her on a date. FML

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By anime_love - 17/9/2010 04:43 - United States

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

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By 20lbknockout - 20/10/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I was exercising, laid on my back, lifting weights over my head. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to casually sit by my feet and suddenly tickle them mercilessly. Caught off guard, I started wiggling, laughed and dropped the weights. On my face. FML

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By The hopeful - 26/12/2016 08:29

Today, my ex-boyfriend called me. I was really excited, thinking he wanted to get back together. He just wanted to get back the Christmas present he gave me before we broke up so that he could return it for cash. FML

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By fatty - 23/1/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

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By wifelyduties - 17/4/2020 14:00

Do ya think I'm sexy?

Today, my husband called me to our bedroom, saying he needed help with something. I found him sitting on the bed with his pants down, so I smiled and asked if he was angling for sex, which was fine with me. Nope. He needed me to pop a pimple under his ballsack. FML

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By Tim - 9/4/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

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By fuck you walmart - 26/4/2013 22:03 - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By hiddenplainly - 24/2/2017 10:00 - United States

Today, I did my budget. I have a good job, make decent money, and work full time, but without including any flexible spending items like groceries, I make $32 less than my bills each month. FML

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By ayw329 - 31/1/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

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By stephiexbabexx - 15/1/2010 21:27 - United States

Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating, I placed my cellphone on the tray, not realising that I'd left it there until after I emptied my tray into the bin. When I got it out of the trash, it was covered in soggy, sticky garbage. FML

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By unfortunateMother - 18/9/2012 19:51 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I found a Justin Bieber shrine in my daughter's closet. FML

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By Problem - 7/11/2010 20:34 - United States

Today, my manager informed me that I will not be completing my job training because I'll be transferring to a different store, and if they want me to work there, that's their problem. Today, I also found out that the new store will not accept me as a transfer unless I've already been trained. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 02:21 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and asked, "Mom, why are we so poor?" I replied, in a sweet motherly tone "Honey, we're not poor." She then asked, "Then why do you dress like we are poor?" FML

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By cllutz - 7/2/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

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By belladonna1025 - 11/5/2016 18:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2016 06:47 - United States - Upper Marlboro

Today, while crying at my grandma's funeral I was told to man up. FML

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By bitch - 7/10/2013 07:37 - Australia

Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML

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By kk - 25/6/2011 19:41 - United States

Today, the man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML

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By Bill - 6/12/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

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By Duellist - 13/4/2017 02:00

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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By asdfghjkl - 18/12/2010 19:14 - United States

Today, I saw Saw IV with my boyfriend. He held me close and said, "I'll protect you." A few seconds later, he jumped up so violently, he gave me a bloody nose, and ran screaming out of the room. FML

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By failure - 15/10/2014 01:06 - United States - Loomis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd feel like a failure if he went to community college. I'm planning to go to community college next year. FML

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By Brayden - 10/1/2016 03:27 - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

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By BobbyMalone - 17/1/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, my mother asked a woman at the clothing store we go to all the time when her baby was due. Turns out the woman isn't pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 02:20

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

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By urrrppp - 26/3/2010 09:44 - Netherlands

Today, I got through to the phone interview stage for a great job. When the phone rang, I answered and suddenly, spontaneously, burped really loudly. The interviewer hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML

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By crippled shopper - 27/1/2013 05:23 - United States - Streamwood

Today, I went shopping first thing in the morning to avoid the crowd. Having recently had surgery on my knee, I used an electric scooter to shop. The scooter died in the middle of the store. No one was around to help me. FML

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By jakewr - 2/7/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2016 17:38 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I now accept how stupid I was to marry a man whose plans for the future all start with "When I win the lottery..." FML

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By anonymous - 5/1/2011 04:17 - United States

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

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By heartbroken - 23/1/2013 13:57 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my boyfriend was in the shower and his phone was buzzing with calls and texts. Concerned as his nan is in ICU, I picked it up to find he's been secretly sexting his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By not-so-happy-feet - 14/6/2009 23:41 - Canada

Today, I was at my friends birthday party, dancing bare foot because my feet hurt from the heels. Apparently, someone dropped a glass on the dancefloor and didn't warn anybody. I ended up having to drive myself to the emergency room because all my friends were "having too much fun to leave." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 20:01 - Germany - Hörth

No justice

Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML

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By Nice 2 inch - 27/6/2011 12:16 - Canada

Today, my grandpa told us he wanted to fit in. His idea of fitting in is streaking in a park at 4:00 pm. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

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By agstone - 9/8/2017 23:15

Today, at 2:47 am, my mom woke me up in a panic screaming about smelling gas and the house blowing up. Twenty minutes, two fire trucks, and a traumatized dog later, it was just the neighbors burning their mail. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

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Top comments

By urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2166171 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:48

quit jerking around!

By KMilliron | 2

#2166175 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:50

I air guitar all the time. But as I also play real guitar I know how to air rock out accurately and in a non masturbatory fashion. Also helps to air rock in groups.
That's how I roll.

COMMENTS

By urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2166171 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:48

quit jerking around!

score988 | 0

#2166172 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:49

lmao!

WtFiMdAdDy | 0

#2166453 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:35

lmao!!

Sathian | 0

#2166471 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:40

lmao!!!

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2166482 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:45

lmao!!!!

YouDeservedItnot | 0

#2166496 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:47

combo breaker?

dandawg69 | 0

#2166689 - Thursday 10 March 2011 3:59

lmao!

rallets | 22

#2166706 - Thursday 10 March 2011 4:09

lol

thats how you combo break

cavalos94 | 0

#2166709 - Thursday 10 March 2011 4:09

lmao!

TheJester12 | 15

#2166772 - Thursday 10 March 2011 4:32

lmao!!

pokopiko | 9

#2167051 - Thursday 10 March 2011 5:52

Teehee! :3

The_Moustache | 6

#2167095 - Thursday 10 March 2011 6:04

lmao!!!

rebekahmarie | 0

#2167147 - Thursday 10 March 2011 6:21

"Counting cards isn't illegal... it's frowned upon in most societies. just like... masturbating on an airplane. Thanks Bin Laden.."

josephhhhhh | 0

#2167242 - Thursday 10 March 2011 7:04

lmfao!!!

number0 | 8

#2167648 - Thursday 10 March 2011 10:00

lmao!!!!

dunner12 | 0

#2167867 - Thursday 10 March 2011 11:48

Alan is the Best

GeraldisTheG | 3

#2168139 - Thursday 10 March 2011 13:09

happy motherfucking birthday Alan!

sterlingarcher | 1

#2174188 - Friday 11 March 2011 20:09

LOL!! :D

By ParaCabXD | 0

#2166173 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:49

it could have been worse . you could have been caught masturbating..

OCDC | 9

#2166229 - Thursday 10 March 2011 0:25

While looking like he was air strumming his guitar.

pokopiko | 9

#2167106 - Thursday 10 March 2011 6:11

DOMO

MdoAngel | 0

#2167398 - Thursday 10 March 2011 8:31

17-win

techweed | 12

#2168561 - Thursday 10 March 2011 15:55

what's wrong with masturbating???

phatdaddy62 | 23

#2169802 - Thursday 10 March 2011 22:50

Well there's nothing wrong with masturbating, per se. However masturbating on a public train - yea, that's felony material there!

By KMilliron | 2

#2166175 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:50

I air guitar all the time. But as I also play real guitar I know how to air rock out accurately and in a non masturbatory fashion. Also helps to air rock in groups.
That's how I roll.