Intimacy: Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming...

By anonymouse - Reserved

Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming the guitar to a song on my iPod, after glancing at the reflection in the window I realized it looked like I was masturbating. FML

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Intimacy

Leave us alone

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Bitch ass move

By Bella - United States - Sanford

Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML

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By Webmonkey - United States

Today, I turned around in my cubicle to see the entire marketing department (myself excluded) getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody mentioned it to me. FML

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By 2234 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up in a puddle of blood after 7 hours of sleep. Before going to bed, I had inserted a tampon that should've kept me dry for at least 8 hours. Apparently it doesn't work well if sleepy me forgets to take the top part of the plastic wrapping off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend's dog, which he got even though he knew I was allergic, literally got in between us while we were having sex. He didn't stop and got mad when I did. Now I'm itchy. FML

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By NoorFML - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom was feeling down, so I decided to buy her a gift. Knowing she likes lighthouses, I bought her a tiny one that plugs in and lights up. I brought it home, plugged it in, and when she saw me with it, she said, "Wipe that smirk off your face and get that junk out of here." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a blind date a girl from work had set me up with. Apparently my co-worker thinks I'm gay. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually tried to justify his cheating by saying it doesn't count as cheating if the girl's bisexual. FML

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By littl3storm

Sick burn

Today, while sitting an at home university exam, I started getting period cramps. I decided to use a heat patch to help. I left it on for the allotted time, but when I took it off, it peeled my skin off and burnt the surrounding skin. I'm now burnt AND still experiencing cramps. FML

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By shrutisoma - Australia - Strathfield

Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML

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By d for vendetta - 21/4/2021 23:00

Snitches get bitches

Today, after weeks of asking my neighbor nicely to pick up his dog’s crap out of the common area, I got fed up and reported him to the landlord and the city. He’s now been given two options; either get rid of his dog or move out. He’s now sworn revenge on me, even though he was the one being gross. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then told me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwich. Funny dad. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By qwerty - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

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By Stop being healthy

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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By dooommage - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

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By not amused - Ireland - Cork

Today, my dad woke me up in a panic at five to ten in the morning, because he couldn't figure out how to type the "@" in an e-mail address. FML

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By mac - Australia - Bankstown

Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

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By IDPlease

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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Selfish

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

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By cumhole - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML

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By Pain - United States - Andover

Today, my parents "suggested" I help them move house. I didn't realize that meant I would be carrying every stick of furniture out of their house. The muscles in my arms are so tight now that I can't straighten them. I can't wait to help them unpack tomorrow. FML

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By GrossedOut - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By cuntocracy - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By PrinceJ

Today, my girlfriend's homophobic cousin claimed she saw me making out with my gay friend in public. I was home alone all day, but my girlfriend is crying and unconvinced. FML

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By Sous_Chef - United States

Today, my roommate came in slamming the front door. I guess he doesn't know that you can't throw hot water on frozen windows. He came up all pissed and called his insurance because he cracked the windshield. We have the same car, in the same exact color. Turns out he threw the water on mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

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By lprocter1982 - Canada

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

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By rainedaddy - United States

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

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By Time for a haircut - United States

Today, I was getting out of my car, when my new neighbor asked if I'd help him unhitch a trailer. On my way over, he said, "Oh never mind, I thought you were a boy." I am a boy. FML

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By noneedtostress - Australia

Today, I realised my period was two weeks late and panicked about being pregnant due to missing a pill a few weeks ago. Then I remembered I haven't had sex in almost a year. FML

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By This_girll - United States - Ridgewood

Classy guy.

Today, my boyfriend of a year went to a wedding. He didn't invite me, he took his ex instead. I saw it all on Instagram. FML

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By Cicie - United States - Weatherford

Most good songs are

Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML

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By Carrie - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my water broke while my boyfriend was breaking up with me. FML

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By iMarriedmymother - United States

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

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By Fred - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

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By allergic_to_bull - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I attended an assembly regarding senior graduation. The assistant principal told us to look to the left and right of us, because those people would be our friends for the rest of our lives. I was the only one in the entire row. FML

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By notababymama - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

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By regretter

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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Top comments

By urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2166171 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:48

quit jerking around!

By KMilliron | 2

#2166175 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:50

I air guitar all the time. But as I also play real guitar I know how to air rock out accurately and in a non masturbatory fashion. Also helps to air rock in groups.
That's how I roll.

COMMENTS

By urdirtyolduncle | 15

#2166171 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:48

quit jerking around!

score988 | 0

#2166172 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:49

lmao!

WtFiMdAdDy | 0

#2166453 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:35

lmao!!

Sathian | 0

#2166471 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:40

lmao!!!

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2166482 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:45

lmao!!!!

YouDeservedItnot | 0

#2166496 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:47

combo breaker?

dandawg69 | 0

#2166689 - Thursday 10 March 2011 3:59

lmao!

rallets | 22

#2166706 - Thursday 10 March 2011 4:09

lol

thats how you combo break

cavalos94 | 0

#2166709 - Thursday 10 March 2011 4:09

lmao!

TheJester12 | 15

#2166772 - Thursday 10 March 2011 4:32

lmao!!

pokopiko | 9

#2167051 - Thursday 10 March 2011 5:52

Teehee! :3

The_Moustache | 6

#2167095 - Thursday 10 March 2011 6:04

lmao!!!

rebekahmarie | 0

#2167147 - Thursday 10 March 2011 6:21

"Counting cards isn't illegal... it's frowned upon in most societies. just like... masturbating on an airplane. Thanks Bin Laden.."

josephhhhhh | 0

#2167242 - Thursday 10 March 2011 7:04

lmfao!!!

number0 | 8

#2167648 - Thursday 10 March 2011 10:00

lmao!!!!

dunner12 | 0

#2167867 - Thursday 10 March 2011 11:48

Alan is the Best

GeraldisTheG | 3

#2168139 - Thursday 10 March 2011 13:09

happy motherfucking birthday Alan!

sterlingarcher | 1

#2174188 - Friday 11 March 2011 20:09

LOL!! :D

By ParaCabXD | 0

#2166173 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:49

it could have been worse . you could have been caught masturbating..

OCDC | 9

#2166229 - Thursday 10 March 2011 0:25

While looking like he was air strumming his guitar.

pokopiko | 9

#2167106 - Thursday 10 March 2011 6:11

DOMO

MdoAngel | 0

#2167398 - Thursday 10 March 2011 8:31

17-win

techweed | 12

#2168561 - Thursday 10 March 2011 15:55

what's wrong with masturbating???

phatdaddy62 | 23

#2169802 - Thursday 10 March 2011 22:50

Well there's nothing wrong with masturbating, per se. However masturbating on a public train - yea, that's felony material there!

By KMilliron | 2

#2166175 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:50

I air guitar all the time. But as I also play real guitar I know how to air rock out accurately and in a non masturbatory fashion. Also helps to air rock in groups.
That's how I roll.