Intimacy: Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming...

By anonymouse - 09/03/2011 19:37 - Reserved

Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming the guitar to a song on my iPod, after glancing at the reflection in the window I realized it looked like I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 878

You deserved it 42 501

Intimacy

Vulture

Dysfunctional

Too much meat on my hands

By Anonymous - 28/04/2013 20:19 - United States - San Diego

Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't agree to convert to their new brand of Christianity. This is a day after they ranted at me about how I should speak my mind more and not let myself be controlled by other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 824

You deserved it 3 582

By Amanda - 05/05/2018 15:00

Today, my daughter has been using the "supertaster" excuse to not eat my cooking. To prove to her that she isn't one, I blindfolded her and gave her a bowl of jelly beans, then asked her to plug her nose and identify the flavors. She got every single one correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 796

You deserved it 3 857

By Anonymous - 02/12/2014 17:39 - United States - Glendale

Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 275

You deserved it 4 188

Privacy

By silver bear - 15/05/2021 17:00

Today, my dad saw my cleared internet history and said, "You do know we can still track your history with your IP address, right?" I don’t ever look at porn or anything like that. I just don’t want other people knowing all my business all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 96

By mikey09 - 17/01/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, was my first day at my new job, which requires you to wear a special shirt. Come to find out, they only have medium sized shirts. I am an XL. They demanded I wear the shirt anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 557

You deserved it 9 268

By ... - 05/02/2010 03:12 - France

Today, I was at a school rally I was talking to my friends when I noticed the entire gym had gotten quiet. Not knowing why I thought it would be funny to yell out "it's too quiet!" apparently it was a moment of silence for a teacher that had recently died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 911

You deserved it 70 120

By shitless88 - 20/08/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 787

You deserved it 4 247

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was applying for jobs online when my father called. When I told him what I was doing, he said in all seriousness that I should just be a sugar baby. I said he must be joking, but he replied, "Honey, if I had your tits, I'd never work a day in my life." 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 46 912

You deserved it 5 121

By newlyengaged - 08/01/2017 18:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 811

You deserved it 570

By anonymous - 21/10/2009 22:40 - France

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 798

You deserved it 7 144

By Anonymous - 14/07/2018 15:00

Today, the man I've been dating for four months said he could see I had feelings for him, and he was mad because it made things complicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 400

You deserved it 312

Le Epic Bacon

By Anonymous - 28/02/2021 21:30

Today, after years of struggling with acne, I found out that it's caused by all the bacon I eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 393

You deserved it 1 183

By Heethersays - 03/07/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 325

You deserved it 7 627

Dried out

By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 20:01 - Canada

Today, after spending $300 replacing a dryer and getting the vents cleaned out when our tenants complained their clothes weren't getting dry, my husband and I realized that it was actually the washing machine that was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 235

By roadkill - 28/02/2011 15:50 - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car, after which she said, "Oh! Not again!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 220

You deserved it 2 818

FML: Uncensored

By Anonymous - 15/01/2012 02:00 - United States

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 520

You deserved it 4 390

By No Job - 01/10/2015 01:42 - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 325

You deserved it 30 517

By phoenixditch - 23/05/2013 07:13 - United States - Burke

Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 808

You deserved it 5 604

By Anonymous - 11/11/2018 05:00

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 564

You deserved it 207

Bag for life

By Anonymous - 25/02/2021 04:57 - United States

Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 264

You deserved it 54

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 18:47 - Canada

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 055

You deserved it 5 451

By SorryIDontMatchStandardSizes - 02/09/2016 04:06 - United States

Today, I received my uniform for culinary school. I'm 5'4" and 110 lbs, and during sizing even an XS uniform swam on me. On the other hand, I need huge shoes for my size 10 feet. Apparently, the school decided to ignore my sizing sheet and simply give me standard medium uniforms and size 8 shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 610

You deserved it 1 112

By justonce - 23/09/2013 22:38 - United States - Williamstown

Today, the boy who loved me and left me literally became the poster boy for my college. His picture is on the home page of the college website and on a banner in the cafeteria where I eat every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 232

You deserved it 3 510

By theropod - 15/11/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, at 2 in the morning, a noisy work crew started up in the parking lot next to my apartment. What were they doing at that ungodly hour? Installing a light that now shines right into my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 507

You deserved it 2 048

By Jaded618 - 05/12/2010 12:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of eleven months broke up with me, but adamantly insisted I didn't move out of our apartment, because he can't pay the rent alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 502

You deserved it 3 917

By allison_fishing - 25/10/2012 04:37 - United States

Today, I woke up with pink eye. My mom tried to help by putting drops in. It started burning like hell; she didn't understand why. It turns out she was putting ear drops in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 211

You deserved it 1 825

By BDSM4Jesus - 20/01/2015 04:42 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while trying some new kinky things with my boyfriend, he cried out, "Call me Jesus!" Yeah... I think we're done with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 028

You deserved it 4 519

By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 10:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I turned in an overdue English assignment at college. My instructor accused me of plagiarism, writing that my sentence structure was "TO" good. Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 918

You deserved it 4 382

By Username - 13/02/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 621

You deserved it 3 702

By not-that-fat - 27/07/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 278

You deserved it 25 922

By Anonymous - 30/04/2016 06:20 - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 599

You deserved it 976

By Jer - 11/10/2009 00:30 - United States

Today, my oldest son answered my phone call much to my surprise as we haven't spoken in a year. The first words out of his mouth were, "I didn't mean to pick up the phone." He then hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 357

You deserved it 8 919

By shoopbadeewoop - 08/03/2014 21:43

Today, it was snowing. After answering a call, I put my phone into my jacket pocket, and hurried across the road. I quickly realised my phone hadn't slipped into my pocket after all, and I turned around in time to see a snowplow go by. I couldn't find my phone in the snowdrifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 867

You deserved it 6 207

By TalkedTo - 14/11/2018 03:00

Today, at 16 years old, I got "the talk" from Dad. He began with "I don’t really need to give you the talk do I? It would just be awkward for us both." I agreed with him, and we drove home in silence. Thanks for avoiding the awkwardness, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 205

You deserved it 353

By Anonymous - 09/11/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I told the woman that I've had a crush on for some time how I felt. She laughed so hard that water sprayed from her nose and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 534

You deserved it 2 897

By tina - 17/08/2010 12:30 - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 104

You deserved it 4 087

By Bailey - 22/08/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 684

You deserved it 14 062

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 14:07 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 561

You deserved it 2 355

By BC94 - 16/07/2012 04:21 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 483

You deserved it 2 828

By KingUrge - 26/04/2013 08:36 - United States - Victorville

Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party; obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 336

You deserved it 9 680

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Top comments

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:48

quit jerking around!

KMilliron 2

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:50

I air guitar all the time. But as I also play real guitar I know how to air rock out accurately and in a non masturbatory fashion. Also helps to air rock in groups. That's how I roll.

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:48

quit jerking around!

score988 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:49

lmao!

WtFiMdAdDy 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 2:35

lmao!!

Sathian 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 2:40

lmao!!!

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 2:45

lmao!!!!

YouDeservedItnot 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 2:47

combo breaker?

dandawg69 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 3:59

lmao!

rallets 22

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Thursday 10 March 2011 4:09

lol thats how you combo break

cavalos94 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 4:09

lmao!

TheJester12 15

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Thursday 10 March 2011 4:32

lmao!!

pokopiko 9

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Thursday 10 March 2011 5:52

Teehee! :3

The_Moustache 6

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Thursday 10 March 2011 6:04

lmao!!!

rebekahmarie 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 6:21

"Counting cards isn't illegal... it's frowned upon in most societies. just like... masturbating on an airplane. Thanks Bin Laden.."

josephhhhhh 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 7:04

lmfao!!!

number0 8

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Thursday 10 March 2011 10:00

lmao!!!!

dunner12 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 11:48

Alan is the Best

GeraldisTheG 3

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Thursday 10 March 2011 13:09

happy motherfucking birthday Alan!

sterlingarcher 1

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Friday 11 March 2011 20:09

LOL!! :D

ParaCabXD 0

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:49

it could have been worse . you could have been caught masturbating..

OCDC 9

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Thursday 10 March 2011 0:25

While looking like he was air strumming his guitar.

pokopiko 9

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Thursday 10 March 2011 6:11

DOMO

MdoAngel 0

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Thursday 10 March 2011 8:31

17-win

techweed 12

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Thursday 10 March 2011 15:55

what's wrong with masturbating???

phatdaddy62 23

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Thursday 10 March 2011 22:50

Well there's nothing wrong with masturbating, per se. However masturbating on a public train - yea, that's felony material there!

KMilliron 2

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Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:50

I air guitar all the time. But as I also play real guitar I know how to air rock out accurately and in a non masturbatory fashion. Also helps to air rock in groups. That's how I roll.