Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of...

By swirkishly - 24/11/2011 16:06 - United States

Today, I was walking through my house when I noticed bits of plaster falling from the ceiling. Against all logic, I looked up, receiving a fragment directly in the eyeball. FML

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Miscellaneous

Doomed

The end of the road

Ungrateful

By Anonymous - 8/4/2013 22:06 - United Kingdom - Kingston

Today, I was out when a guy walking with his girlfriend eyed me up. I made a shocked face at him and kept walking. The next thing I knew, his girlfriend was beating the shit out of me claiming that I was "the other woman." I'd never seen the guy before in my life. FML

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By tubby - 21/6/2012 20:28 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, my friend showed off her new tattoo, which is supposed to say "bad bitch" in Italian, and I had to point out that it actually says "defective female". Her response was to cuss me out and inform me that I'm no longer part of her social circle. FML

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By well okay then - 10/9/2012 04:39 - United States

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

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By boopingsnoot - 26/8/2017 18:30 - United States - Nashville

Today, at the dentist, I was just supposed to get three small cavities filled. I walked out with a referral slip for the endodontist. Hello, root canal. Fuck you, genetics. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 06:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

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By supertango500 - 11/3/2013 18:56 - United States

Today, I figured I needed to clean my room. I ended up finding my $135 calculator that I'd accused my ex-boyfriend of selling for gas money. That's also the reason I dumped him. FML

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By flipnazn - 15/7/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

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By Wally - 4/1/2010 17:52 - Mexico

Today, I'm in Mexico and am supposed to be skydiving for my Christmas gift. Instead, I'm coming out of the hospital with x-rays, an ankle splint, and a $800 bill because I fell on the bottom step of a flight of stairs. FML

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By librarygirl - 13/8/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

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By jaycee - 28/1/2012 03:41 - United States

Today, after having finally summoned the nerve to report a guy at my workplace who has been sexually harassing me for months, I got a phone call from my boss. He said that there was nothing he could do about it, because the guy "wouldn't confess." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2015 19:37 - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

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By michellenKG - 23/1/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 14:50 - Egypt

Today, I was working on a 12-page report. After 5 hours on it, I go over to YouTube to change background music. My boss decides to pick this time to walk by, look at my screen, and grunt "hard at work, huh?" FML

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By Anyonehiring - 28/6/2016 01:05 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had the great pleasure of meeting my replacement, who was sitting at my desk in my office. My boss must've forgotten to mention to me that I've been fired. FML

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By sierra808 - 31/5/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I was walking the beach and I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other I smiled and waved as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

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By sa la vash - 14/3/2015 08:22 - Netherlands

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 16:17 - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2012 04:25 - United States

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

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By Rawf - 18/7/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, at work, a customer called in and asked me to read off every item on our menu, along with their ingredients. I work at Jamba Juice so that's a lot of reading. After about 10 minutes of this, I found out it was actually my stupid co-worker calling from the back phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 02:02

Empathy Man

Today, I told my man I was feeling a lack of emotional closeness and dialogue in our relationship. I'd hoped for a comeback like, "So what do you need in order to change that?" Or even, "Aw, come here, let's cuddle!" Instead, I got a simple, "I don't." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2011 08:19 - Canada

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2016 01:09 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I gave my boss a report I wrote on my own time, full of suggestions on how to increase productivity and profits at our company. He said my ideas made "about as much sense as pistol-whipping a ghost" and that I was impressing no-one. FML

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By youmindyourownbusiness - 15/2/2013 05:53 - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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By noname - 4/12/2008 05:55 - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

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By HaleyDrew08 - 26/6/2010 03:17 - United States

Today, I tried giving myself a bikini wax for the first time, and I'm pretty sure I didn't do it right. Now I'm laying on my couch with a wet rag and ice inbetween my legs. FML

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By "Luke Payne" - 30/12/2019 14:00

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when I realised that I hadn't got my headphones in and was blasting Eminem whilst walking past a bunch of 5 year olds. He said the 'N' word at the same time. I guess I'm not going to that bus stop any more. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 17:19 - Australia - Perth

Today, my friend and I decided to go skinny-dipping in her pool just after we'd finished watching a scary movie. While we were in the pool, I heard something move in the bushes so I freaked out and ran onto the deck, slipping and falling flat on my back. Her dad saw the whole thing. FML

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By tootles - 22/5/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

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By facepalm - 5/6/2012 14:48 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I received my first negative feedback on my otherwise flawless eBay record. The woman who bought the item said it wasn't as delicious as she was expecting, so there must be something wrong with it. What was I selling? A new and unopened lipstick. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2017 23:00 - United States - Dover

Today, an Asian man approached me and called me pretty. I thanked him and he asked if I'm Chinese. When I said, "No, I'm Taiwanese" he promptly spat in my face and called me a "traitor to the motherland." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

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By a - 6/12/2012 06:15 - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By Lady_Luck - 25/3/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 00:01

Pick your moments, dude!

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a romantic night. As we were having sex, he decided to say, "Look mom, no hands!" and it totally ruined the mood. FML

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By imfullthanks - 14/3/2009 23:06 - Norway

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "how did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?". She yelled from the other room, "you know that little plate with the red stripe". I was eating off of it. FML

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By Erik Aleckson - 5/5/2019 02:00

Today, at my hotel job, I had to help a drunk naked guy back into his room. Earlier today, a fat old guy wearing only briefs came down to the lobby drunk as hell. I used to like my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, after having to call in a noise complaint about my downstairs neighbors talking loud past midnight, the managers fixed the problem. Now all I can hear is two little girls who like to throw a basketball at the building for hours. FML

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By pissedoffexgirlfriend - 15/2/2018 06:00

Today, I went to go surprise my long distance boyfriend at college 7 hours away. As I opened his apartment door, I saw him on the couch fucking his “study buddy”. FML

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By anonymous - 3/6/2013 04:41 - United States - Banner Elk

Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML

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Top comments

By Keyman1212 | 14

#3631156 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:04

And then your 800lb aunt fell on you from the second story bathroom, where she was receiving a sponge bath from midgets.

By j_cat187 | 19

#3631146 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:03

Ceilings are bastards

COMMENTS

By AndreSeal | 0

#3631109 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:00

Dumbass...

ceilingfans | 1

#3631339 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:26

Herp derp

megan_lovee | 0

#3631346 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:27

well tht really sucks.!

iKendall | 3

#3631403 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:38

Idiot ..

i_amthe_walrus | 0

#3631758 - Thursday 24 November 2011 21:01

This is the lamest comment chain in history, and I am now apart of it...

...I didn't think this through...

CanWeMicrowaveIt | 11

#3631887 - Thursday 24 November 2011 21:27

Yeah walrus you idiot! Hahaha..... Wait...

Falalala243 | 0

#3632092 - Thursday 24 November 2011 22:12

41- Your kneeboarding wrong.

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3632153 - Thursday 24 November 2011 22:26

49 - You're*... not that hard.

blackheart24 | 10

#3632387 - Thursday 24 November 2011 23:55

In your eye?

mitri_fml | 3

#3636317 - Friday 25 November 2011 12:46

That's what she said

By RedMegane | 4

#3631115 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:00

So you stood right beneath it, really!?!

xlorawrz | 9

#3631145 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:03

Really.

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3631175 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:06

Yep. I doubt he woke up expecting fragments of drywall to be falling from the heavens

starsfan_9 | 7

#3631177 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:06

That one would be difficult to explain

crazycole20 | 0

#3631190 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:07

exactly what I was thinking! or recently she tried to destroy a body with acid in her bathtub and the acid was slowly eating through her wall.

mikaylaaaaa | 7

#3631475 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:58

it's not his fault?

By thericcanator | 4

#3631128 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:02

Atleast it didn't go in the turkkeey

me_gusta_eso | 1

#3632215 - Thursday 24 November 2011 22:43

Please, go crawl in a hole... And stay there.

brown4lifejot | 1

#3635454 - Friday 25 November 2011 10:42

Okay if you were trying to refer to that turkey FML... it still doesnt make sense.

brown4lifejot | 1

#3635470 - Friday 25 November 2011 10:46

I would pick a large hole, you might need to stay in there for a while.

By j_cat187 | 19

#3631146 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:03

Ceilings are bastards

macy143 | 0

#3631336 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:26

Yea. They are always doing something to piss people off!!

raaawwwrrZ | 8

#3631785 - Thursday 24 November 2011 21:04

Fucking assholes always showing up where they aren't wanted

mirag | 0

#3632504 - Friday 25 November 2011 0:29

At least the ceiling didn't completely cave in and at least you didn't have a bathtub or something big fall on you... Look on the bright side

ohcrapitscurtis | 8

#3635170 - Friday 25 November 2011 9:28

Lolz

By Keyman1212 | 14

#3631156 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:04

And then your 800lb aunt fell on you from the second story bathroom, where she was receiving a sponge bath from midgets.

Fruit_Dealer | 9

#3631275 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:16

If you keep stalking me & my family I will call the.. Oh. You weren't talking to me. I see.

boohbah1789 | 0

#3631865 - Thursday 24 November 2011 21:21

Wtf ? That's hilarious x)

obamathellama | 0

#3634423 - Friday 25 November 2011 6:38

Midgets, doing things normal people never would since 1969!

By starsfan_9 | 7

#3631158 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:04

Wrong place, wrong time...

CanWeMicrowaveIt | 11

#3631896 - Thursday 24 November 2011 21:29

Wrong house... That would be awkward..

By Fudgee_xOx | 10

#3631204 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:08

Damn, should've worn safety goggles!

By rcloca | 10

#3631210 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:09

That's why you don't open your eyes under a falling plaster ceiling. tsk.

By saIty | 17

#3631227 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:11

Curse that thing we call gravity!

By upyourzlolz | 11

#3631256 - Thursday 24 November 2011 19:14

Run chicken run! The sky is falling!

brown4lifejot | 1

#3635477 - Friday 25 November 2011 10:49

Chicken little is adorable!!! But quite dumb