Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when... - FML

By Scottrick - 1/3/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

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Boozehound alert

Boom, headshot

Non-baby fever

By princess - 12/4/2014 21:01 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML

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By M - 23/5/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

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By Estranged Fiance - 26/12/2016 05:49 - United States

Today, my fiance got impatient and passed a lady doing 15 mph under the speed limit. The lady was driving slowly in case the black ice in the other lane was in both. We spun out and drove right into a guard rail. I just filled the tank, so now I'm down $40 and need to pay for a rental too. FML

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By lol123 - 10/7/2009 10:09 - Norway

Today, it was the premiere of a huge play I've worked on for months. The latest week we've practised a lot, resulting in little sleep. In one of the scenes I'm just lying there pretending to be asleep. Guess who actually fell asleep? FML

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By ribx - 17/11/2016 11:24 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

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By Ouch - 10/4/2011 08:55 - Canada

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML

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By "crawforda350" - 12/9/2017 16:00

Today, while stocking up in preparation for Hurricane Irma, an old lady hit me over the head with her walker. She wanted the loaf of bread I'd grabbed. FML

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By Anonyme - 29/5/2012 10:19

Today, I went to my first ever job interview, in a totally stressed out state. The employer's first question was: "What's your name?" I forgot. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 15:49 - Canada

Today, I was talking to my grandmother, who was lying down on the couch under a blanket watching TV. As I was leaving, I said "See you later Nana," and patted her on the shoulder. Her shoulder was soft, and moved more than I expected. It was her boob. I felt up my grandma. FML

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By jailbirdlove - 11/10/2010 01:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By waitwhat - 18/3/2012 20:46 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I was browsing some hardcore porn sites. My mum decided to barge into my room uninvited, so I quickly switched tabs. Unfortunately for me, all five other tabs were also parked on porn galleries. Now my computer and phone are confiscated, and I can only get online at the local library. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2018 14:00

Today, my boyfriend proudly showed me that he's put me in his favourites contact list on his phone with a heart image. Cute, but I saw another contact on the list with a heart image as well: his favourite take out restaurant. FML

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By Sdutent - 1/3/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5-year-old girl and we were coloring. She made me a card that was very sweet, so I smiled. She looked at me and went "Don't smile, your smile is really scary." FML

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By what have i done with my life - 21/7/2013 17:46 - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

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By PackingSpaceHeat - 11/10/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I realized I've been acting very paranoid lately. I was mugged a few weeks ago, so I've been nervous. I've been holding my hands in my pockets and looking around on my way outside from work. Apparently, that's grounds to arrest someone under suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon. FML

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By wowzersthatsucks - 29/6/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, I got a facebook relationship request from my crush of 2 and a half years. I was so excited until he posted on my wall, "Sorry wrong Catherine". FML

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By dullstuff - 21/7/2011 12:34 - Belgium

Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML

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By lesousterre - 15/7/2015 18:06 - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my grandpa still receives more mail than me. He's been dead for three years. FML

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By RingRing - 11/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

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By CompleteWithPictures - 14/7/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with some friends at an Applebees. I couldn't decide on what I wanted, and after about 10 minutes of me flipping through the menu, our waiter brings over the braille menu complete with gigantic pictures of all the dishes and says "Here, I thought this might help." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2010 10:00 - Australia

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 17:53 - Canada

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

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By AFGirlfriend - 28/3/2011 19:10 - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been dying to have kids together. This would be an exciting moment if he wasn't deploying in June and will miss everything except the morning sickness. FML

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By Shit - 27/4/2014 17:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML

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By embarrassed - 11/11/2011 15:17 - Canada

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

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By Flarewolf - 4/6/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

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By chuffberry - 19/4/2016 13:39 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML

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By wife - 22/2/2015 03:47 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband again lost his keys. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 09:50 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 03:30 - Canada

Today, as an important meeting with clients was drawing to a close, we all stood up and they bid their farewells. My response was to blurt out, "Hello!" FML

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By Albert06 - 14/3/2011 21:26 - France

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

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By cinder - 16/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Denver

Caring parenting

Today, and every day I decide to get therapy for my severe depression, my parents spring a workload of chores on me, which mentally exhausts me to the point I can’t do anything. Including start my therapy. FML

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By stood-up - 12/9/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I filed a missing persons report on my boyfriend. He was out fishing and then was supposed to meet me for a romantic weekend getaway. He never showed up and didn't respond to my texts. I found out, courtesy of a voicemail from the sheriff's department, that he'd broken up with me. FML

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By ClearOne - 12/5/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I finally came to terms with the fact that my girlfriend considers me a glorified ATM. FML

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By ClothesHorse - 12/10/2012 19:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I was kicked out of a job interview at a clothing store for "not dressing appropriately" for the occasion. I'd purchased my outfit from the same store just two days prior with my last $100. FML

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By dani911 - 15/7/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I noticed a car following me all the way to my house. It was dark so I got really nervous and called the police. The person got out of the car. It was my mom. FML

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By KittenTime - 26/5/2011 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed the miracle of life. More specifically, my cat giving birth on my bed at four in the morning. FML

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Top comments

By lamarr | 0

#10224 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:05

lmao i love how excited you got over cookies

By Fleur_fml | 0

#10220 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:03

Seems like you had some explaining to do. xD

COMMENTS

By Fleur_fml | 0

#10220 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:03

Seems like you had some explaining to do. xD

Reply

cxal_fml | 0

#341110 - Friday 26 June 2009 3:06

Funny but Girl scouts does not allow 5 year olds to sell cookies - those are daisy scouts. Besides how did you know she was 5? - did you stop to ask her.

Reply

Samko_chan | 5

#1038677 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 6:00

Uhh it's called an estimate.

Reply

rangermedic77 | 5

#2435213 - Saturday 30 April 2011 20:05

109 I say this because I love you: fuck you

By lamarr | 0

#10224 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:05

lmao i love how excited you got over cookies

Reply

flippinsweet17 | 0

#339014 - Thursday 25 June 2009 7:39

HOW CAN YOU NOT GET EXCITED OVER THEM?! THEY'RE SAMOAS!

They are the best. Not even kidding. They are much more than "YEAH" worthy.

More like, "THAT IS WHAT I LIKE!! HELL YES!! WOOO!!"

Reply

daniisme | 0

#966663 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 7:33

never heard of em :3

Reply

Apple_pie777 | 0

#1858148 - Friday 17 December 2010 20:32

me tooooooo

Reply

sheagstaz | 0

#2485751 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 0:56

did you get the cookies

By That_Guy | 4

#10227 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:07

#1 nailed it...

By ODEEZY | 0

#10231 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:12

dude my sister is a girl scout... not cool! not cool at all!.... You sicko!!!...... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD

By Mannerheim | 0

#10238 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:20

Haha, that is so fucked dude.

But I would have been in the same position, had it been thin mints.

Reply

Tigertnt | 0

#976490 - Thursday 8 April 2010 13:43

ditto, for carmel delights

Reply

Xaujin | 0

#998403 - Thursday 20 May 2010 4:15

hella yeah I second the caramel delights!

Reply

RawrrrImADino | 0

#1598026 - Monday 25 October 2010 3:21

caramel delights and samoas are the same thing:)

Reply

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4426018 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:16

Had it been peanut butter sandwich cookies. But I'm a 13 year old girl.

Reply

skyjayq | 10

#6021181 - Monday 28 July 2014 1:26

the pb ones

By Bibico_fml | 0

#10239 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:20

#7: Bingo.

OP: Maybe work on your vocabulary. Right now you're at about the level of a chimp if the best you can do is point at stuff and grunt "yeah".

Reply

MajorSchnitzel | 0

#1411407 - Thursday 16 September 2010 3:36

Right, because chimps say 'yeah' all the time.

Reply

jessie996 | 0

#4351815 - Wednesday 25 April 2012 4:37

121- I love your comment so much. It's better than the FML. Lol.

By here4ever | 0

#10243 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:23

sorry dude but thats fcukin priceless

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#10253 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:32

This FML is pedobear approved.

Reply

IndigoFuckYou | 9

#2253633 - Monday 28 March 2011 6:28

In China, 'Too Young' is just a name.

By Jason_fml | 0

#10257 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:33

Hilarious.

By Amkii | 0

#10264 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:37

I lol'd. Fav'd!