Love: Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when... - FML

By Scottrick - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

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Late term

Commando

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By idk - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

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By rachlette - United States - Seattle

Today, I coughed so hard that I fractured two ribs. FML

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By rabbitkiller - China - Wuhai

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents, and now they have a dead rabbit because I sat on it. FML

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By historyfreak_17 - United States - Dearborn Heights

Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

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By fird

Today, my boss made sure to do one last thing before he retired. Fire me. FML

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By hudd357mag - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

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By SoupCanoe - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

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By Ginger_Gawd - United States - Hialeah

Today, I was playing with my little nephew and began to tickle him playfully, even though I know he doesn't like to be tickled. When I was done, he looked me straight in the eye, punched me in the groin, and told me, "No one tickles me". He's six. FML

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By iAMloud - United States

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

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By thesadone - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was chased on my bike by a couple of guys in a car. I rode into a public park to cut through and try to lose them. I looked by to check if they were following me, but they had to stop. I laughed, looked forward, and rammed into a little girl. FML

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By Z3R0G5 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

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By foreseeingabreakup - United States

Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML

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By NoConfusion - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend told me that the necklace I gave her wasn't a "unique enough gift." I spent two weeks making that necklace, link by link. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2020 16:56

Family matters

Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML

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By Kyra.45 - United States - Troy

Today, I was so sexually frustrated that I tried getting off with a banana. It was not enjoyable, for me or the banana. FML

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By Vlad

Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML

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By HeadStillHurts

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

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By vela9002 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML

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By ice cream dude - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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By Franco - United States

Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML

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By Maggie123 - Canada

Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML

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By nerd - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

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By not4geeks - United States

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML

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By Imthatfirstguy1

Today, I owe about $18,000 for a useless degree. Why? I graduated in 2016 from the ITT Technical Institute, a few months before the school shut down for good. The kicker? They misspelled my name on the diploma. FML

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By 27musiclover - United States

Today, my best friend told me I'm the friend who no one really likes. This was after I had bought her lunch, ice cream, and a ticket to a movie we were going to see that day. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I was in IKEA when my friends and I thought it would be fun to play hide and seek. We all hid; I was in a good hiding spot. Half an hour later, I was still there. I texted my friends to see where they were. They all left to see a movie, and forgot about me. FML

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By webperson04 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

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By analinguist - United States

Today, while playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, my phone rang, and I instinctively tried to pick it up with the Force. I kept trying until it stopped ringing. FML

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By Vince - United States

Today, while on a blind date at Hooters, I ordered my food and the waitress asked me if I was stoned, because she couldn't understand me. I have a speech impediment. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend..." FML

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By Paul - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 17:01 - Germany

Packaging

Today, I was cleaning up after my mom visited with her dogs. She'd left a little pill-jar on the kitchen counter. Had she forgotten her medicine? It made a weird, soft sound when I shaked it. I opened the lid to shake some pills into my hand, only it wasn't pills. It was two fat ticks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lexington

Today, I found out that someone had peed into the bottle of Febreze that we keep in the dorm bathroom. I found this out when I sprayed it onto my coat to get rid of a weird smell. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my boyfriend got on one knee and started talking about how we met. Knowing what was coming, I started tearing up, absolutely sure he was going to propose. Just as I was about to say yes, he quickly stood up and yelled "HAH, JUST KIDDING". FML

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By UnpaidBabysitter - United States - New York

Today, I was shut in a boiling hot room with six children: a 10-year-old who kept shouting, a belligerent 7-year-old, two 5-year-olds who thought hitting me was funny and two 2-year-olds, who wouldn't stop crying. Their parents were just outside, laughing away, ignoring me. FML

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Top comments

By lamarr | 0

#10224 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:05

lmao i love how excited you got over cookies

By Fleur_fml | 0

#10220 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:03

Seems like you had some explaining to do. xD

COMMENTS

By Fleur_fml | 0

#10220 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:03

Seems like you had some explaining to do. xD

Reply

cxal_fml | 0

#341110 - Friday 26 June 2009 3:06

Funny but Girl scouts does not allow 5 year olds to sell cookies - those are daisy scouts. Besides how did you know she was 5? - did you stop to ask her.

Reply

Samko_chan | 5

#1038677 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 6:00

Uhh it's called an estimate.

Reply

rangermedic77 | 5

#2435213 - Saturday 30 April 2011 20:05

109 I say this because I love you: fuck you

By lamarr | 0

#10224 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:05

lmao i love how excited you got over cookies

Reply

flippinsweet17 | 0

#339014 - Thursday 25 June 2009 7:39

HOW CAN YOU NOT GET EXCITED OVER THEM?! THEY'RE SAMOAS!

They are the best. Not even kidding. They are much more than "YEAH" worthy.

More like, "THAT IS WHAT I LIKE!! HELL YES!! WOOO!!"

Reply

daniisme | 0

#966663 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 7:33

never heard of em :3

Reply

Apple_pie777 | 0

#1858148 - Friday 17 December 2010 20:32

me tooooooo

Reply

sheagstaz | 0

#2485751 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 0:56

did you get the cookies

By That_Guy | 4

#10227 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:07

#1 nailed it...

By ODEEZY | 0

#10231 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:12

dude my sister is a girl scout... not cool! not cool at all!.... You sicko!!!...... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD

By Mannerheim | 0

#10238 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:20

Haha, that is so fucked dude.

But I would have been in the same position, had it been thin mints.

Reply

Tigertnt | 0

#976490 - Thursday 8 April 2010 13:43

ditto, for carmel delights

Reply

Xaujin | 0

#998403 - Thursday 20 May 2010 4:15

hella yeah I second the caramel delights!

Reply

RawrrrImADino | 0

#1598026 - Monday 25 October 2010 3:21

caramel delights and samoas are the same thing:)

Reply

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4426018 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:16

Had it been peanut butter sandwich cookies. But I'm a 13 year old girl.

Reply

skyjayq | 10

#6021181 - Monday 28 July 2014 1:26

the pb ones

By Bibico_fml | 0

#10239 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:20

#7: Bingo.

OP: Maybe work on your vocabulary. Right now you're at about the level of a chimp if the best you can do is point at stuff and grunt "yeah".

Reply

MajorSchnitzel | 0

#1411407 - Thursday 16 September 2010 3:36

Right, because chimps say 'yeah' all the time.

Reply

jessie996 | 0

#4351815 - Wednesday 25 April 2012 4:37

121- I love your comment so much. It's better than the FML. Lol.

By here4ever | 0

#10243 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:23

sorry dude but thats fcukin priceless

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#10253 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:32

This FML is pedobear approved.

Reply

IndigoFuckYou | 9

#2253633 - Monday 28 March 2011 6:28

In China, 'Too Young' is just a name.

By Jason_fml | 0

#10257 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:33

Hilarious.

By Amkii | 0

#10264 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:37

I lol'd. Fav'd!