Love: Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when... - FML

By Scottrick - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

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Mother of the year

Good kid

Nice parents you've got there…

By Problem - United States

Today, my manager informed me that I will not be completing my job training because I'll be transferring to a different store, and if they want me to work there, that's their problem. Today, I also found out that the new store will not accept me as a transfer unless I've already been trained. FML

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By edhere4u2nv - United States - Ozone Park

Today, I got into a fight with my mom, and stormed out of the house. I walked two blocks before realizing that I have no place to go, and no friends to vent to. FML

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By burgeee - United Kingdom

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

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By SucksToBeMe - United States

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

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By kayak probs - United States - Newtown

Today, I finished the kayak I have been working on for four years. I can't get it out of my basement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was excited when I saw a missed call. It wasn't my ex-boyfriend finally willing to talk, it was the creepy guy I met on the bus in November who I haven't seen since but has written me poetry. FML

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By bdiddy - United States

Today, I moved in with my brother to save on a swanky apartment. I was skeptical as to how this would work out as we fought a lot as kids. Our first big fight? Whether or not to keep his dorm-style futon complete with Return of the Jedi sheets. He's a 35-yr old physician; I'm a 28-yr old lawyer. FML

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By treehouse

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my teacher told me that she couldn't find my hand-written essay on the Renaissance, and that I have to re-do it all by tomorrow. I later saw my essay on her desk, covered in a massive coffee stain that made virtually everything unreadable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends and I saw a movie. We sat in the balcony. Halfway during the movie we heard a commotion, thinking it was a group of unruly teenagers like us, we began to pelt the lower half of the theater with candy. We later learned that it was a man having a heart attack. FML

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By mrnikc - United States

Knowledge is power

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

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By mick

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

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By FriendZone - United States - Abington

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

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By iamScaredyCat

Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment

Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Double standards

Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about 15 minutes late. My mum bitched me out, accused me of sleeping around, and grounded me. All this while my brother raged at his video game in the other room, screaming stuff such as "EAT SHIT, YOU CUNTS!" with total impunity. FML

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By TheLoneSoul - France

Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip 3 years ago. FML

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By smbcolorado - United States

Family matters

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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By Gina - Thailand

Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

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By Dina - 15/7/2021 14:01

Golden child

Today, I found out my mother would rather sleep than attend my soccer games, volleyball tournaments, or see me win any awards. However, she was present to see the dog get potty trained, filming the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

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By JessykaB - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets the same amount of entertainment out of tickling me and having sex with me, and he likes the tickling noises better. FML

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By tomoxishigaki - United States

Today, I moved to California. Too bad the rest of my belongings didn't. FML

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By LizP40 - United States

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

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By Paul - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

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By Antonin - 13/11/2020 05:03 - Switzerland

We meet again

Today, I missed my bus to school, so I took my bike. The bus that I missed ignored a stop sign on its way back, making me crash into it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, my 3-year-old missed the toilet. In the time it took me to get paper towel to clean it up, my one-year-old decided it was the perfect puddle to play in. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Nokia 3310 FTW

Today, while taking a rather large crap, I sent my sister a joking text saying, "I'm shitting my ass inside out." Turns out I sent it to my entire list of contacts. FML

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By stupid - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

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By uni life - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst working in a pharmacy, I was given the pleasure of listening to an old lady share the details of what she sticks up her vagina. FML

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By Watchyourstep - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By Wendizzle - United States

Today, I had to work late. I missed the last bus so I called a cab. That was 3 hours ago. I called my dad for a ride. That was 2 hours ago. I guess I'm sleeping under my desk tonight. FML

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By p!nk - 12/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Policy schmolicy

Today, I let my daughter dye her hair pink. I got an email from her school stating that the hair color violated the school dress code as it's “distracting,” and she will not be allowed to attend classes until she changes it. We do school over Zoom. Not sure how her hair distracts on a screen. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML

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By - France

Today, my boss got a promotion and I got laid off. FML

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By awwimanahole - United States - Palmetto

Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and Mexico City spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML

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By BMTH2296 - United States

Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

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Top comments

By lamarr | 0

#10224 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:05

lmao i love how excited you got over cookies

By Fleur_fml | 0

#10220 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:03

Seems like you had some explaining to do. xD

COMMENTS

By Fleur_fml | 0

#10220 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:03

Seems like you had some explaining to do. xD

Reply

cxal_fml | 0

#341110 - Friday 26 June 2009 3:06

Funny but Girl scouts does not allow 5 year olds to sell cookies - those are daisy scouts. Besides how did you know she was 5? - did you stop to ask her.

Reply

Samko_chan | 5

#1038677 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 6:00

Uhh it's called an estimate.

Reply

rangermedic77 | 5

#2435213 - Saturday 30 April 2011 20:05

109 I say this because I love you: fuck you

By lamarr | 0

#10224 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:05

lmao i love how excited you got over cookies

Reply

flippinsweet17 | 0

#339014 - Thursday 25 June 2009 7:39

HOW CAN YOU NOT GET EXCITED OVER THEM?! THEY'RE SAMOAS!

They are the best. Not even kidding. They are much more than "YEAH" worthy.

More like, "THAT IS WHAT I LIKE!! HELL YES!! WOOO!!"

Reply

daniisme | 0

#966663 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 7:33

never heard of em :3

Reply

Apple_pie777 | 0

#1858148 - Friday 17 December 2010 20:32

me tooooooo

Reply

sheagstaz | 0

#2485751 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 0:56

did you get the cookies

By That_Guy | 4

#10227 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:07

#1 nailed it...

By ODEEZY | 0

#10231 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:12

dude my sister is a girl scout... not cool! not cool at all!.... You sicko!!!...... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD

By Mannerheim | 0

#10238 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:20

Haha, that is so fucked dude.

But I would have been in the same position, had it been thin mints.

Reply

Tigertnt | 0

#976490 - Thursday 8 April 2010 13:43

ditto, for carmel delights

Reply

Xaujin | 0

#998403 - Thursday 20 May 2010 4:15

hella yeah I second the caramel delights!

Reply

RawrrrImADino | 0

#1598026 - Monday 25 October 2010 3:21

caramel delights and samoas are the same thing:)

Reply

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4426018 - Saturday 12 May 2012 21:16

Had it been peanut butter sandwich cookies. But I'm a 13 year old girl.

Reply

skyjayq | 10

#6021181 - Monday 28 July 2014 1:26

the pb ones

By Bibico_fml | 0

#10239 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:20

#7: Bingo.

OP: Maybe work on your vocabulary. Right now you're at about the level of a chimp if the best you can do is point at stuff and grunt "yeah".

Reply

MajorSchnitzel | 0

#1411407 - Thursday 16 September 2010 3:36

Right, because chimps say 'yeah' all the time.

Reply

jessie996 | 0

#4351815 - Wednesday 25 April 2012 4:37

121- I love your comment so much. It's better than the FML. Lol.

By here4ever | 0

#10243 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:23

sorry dude but thats fcukin priceless

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#10253 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:32

This FML is pedobear approved.

Reply

IndigoFuckYou | 9

#2253633 - Monday 28 March 2011 6:28

In China, 'Too Young' is just a name.

By Jason_fml | 0

#10257 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:33

Hilarious.

By Amkii | 0

#10264 - Sunday 1 March 2009 20:37

I lol'd. Fav'd!