Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically... - FML

By zitroskies - United States

Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

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Messed up

The smell detective is on the case

Roommate from hell

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

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By fml9124

Et tu, Doggo?

Today, as usual, my neighbor's 9 year-old son came over after school. I work from home so he stays until his mom gets home. My dog mopes around the house until 3 p.m., then gets all excited because he has a friend to play with. I'm almost jealous because a dog I've had for 11 years likes him more than me. FML

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By Karen - United States

Knackered

Today, in the middle of sex my boyfriend asked if he could use the bathroom. It would've been fine, if he didn't fall asleep on the toilet. FML

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By lonelygirl - Canada - London

Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 12:00

Give Out But Don't Give Up

Today, my wife told me that I was a 5 on the scale of how well I flirted and romanced her, and that the guy before me was a 9. This was at the kitchen table in front of our kids. They thought it was hilarious, and told me I shouldn’t bother anymore. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has been seeing a guy for a year, got engaged. I've been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years and let out some not so subtle hints and he basically refused to propose. This is her second marriage in the time of my relationship. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

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By BluesMan1990 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

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By Wally - Canada

Today, I got to sleep in late for the first time in 3 years, as wife took our two young daughters out of town to visit with her parents. I told my mother that I was really looking forward to being able to sleep in this morning. The phone rang at 7:30. It was my mother asking me how I slept. FML

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By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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By MexyBoy

Today, I wanted to do something nice for my mom. So, while she was sleeping, I cleaned the whole house for her and even made her breakfast. A few minutes later, she came downstairs and yelled at me to keep it down because she was trying to sleep. FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 02:01

The mainframe had been haxored

Today, I found out my email hasn't been working for 10 days. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, but it just so happens that a position opened up for my dream job while this was happening. I would have gotten the job, but instead they gave it to someone I just finished training. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant on a first date. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

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By skiittlez713 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

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By Damn - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

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By sorrynotsorry - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By kissandcontrol01 - United States - Hanford

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

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By Kitten_Love - France - Paris

Today, it's been two months since I got a kitten. He loves to hide, and then surprise me by jumping out of his hiding place. It was quite a surprise when he launched himself out of my bag during class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML

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By mothtal - Bulgaria

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to take me on a date. Just as we were about to drive away, my dad ran out of the house in his underwear and started yelling that he'd kill my boyfriend if I wasn't back home within the hour. FML

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By Wow - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while watching TV. I thought it would be cute to try to kiss him awake like they do in the movies. He farted. FML

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By eww. - Australia

Today, I kissed my gorgeous new boyfriend for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair; a multitude of dandruff rained out and five lice crawled onto my hand. FML

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By The Horrible Older Sister - United States - Phoenix

Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 07:30

Rest in Piss

Today, more of my friends celebrated Rush Limbaugh's death than celebrated when I won a national award two years ago. FML

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By crap

Today, I was tired from an all-nighter I'd pulled because I thought I had the next four days off work. I got called in, and went because I have bills to pay. However, the amount of energy drinks I drank to stay on top of my job duties gave me such bad diarrhea, I had to go home. FML

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By kel - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

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By treegirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By shouldagone2work - United States

Today, while on my first day off in 2 years, I decided to play online poker. I won over $3,000. While filling out my information to get the money the power went out. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 02:00 - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

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By Anonymous

Kids, eh?

Today, I was with my four year-old daughter when we met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman I know. My daughter looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?" FML

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By Falling off the wagon - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending 1 year sober. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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By Jay

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom rolled up the car window on my fingers. She thought my yelling and crying was because I was throwing a tantrum. I'm 26. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my mum, who always wanted more kids than just me, started crying because I'm not pregnant with her first grandchild yet. I'm 16, and this all started because I got my period and I asked to borrow one of her tampons because I'd ran out of my own. FML

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By laughingflame - United States

Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML

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By Cantswim - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#608092 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:19

Is anyone else somewhat reminded of one part of Paramore's Misery Business video? Except that the girl/guy roles are switched?

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#608117 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:36

Boob punch.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#608092 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:19

Is anyone else somewhat reminded of one part of Paramore's Misery Business video? Except that the girl/guy roles are switched?

Reply

timtam24 | 0

#608103 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:25

i am now

OP, sorry but she's not your gf

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#608135 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:50

I was actually thinking of Chris Brown and Rihanna.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#608143 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:54

lmao, Rachel.

Don't give me that lovey-dovey lovey-dovey kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss. Imma grab yo face and chove it from wall to wall. I don't care if ANY of the neighbors call....Then I'm gonna crack a bottle and make my body waddle, then shove it in your face 'cause you think you're a model!

Reply

Peroxide | 3

#608449 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 15:25

Rihannas IQ is 117, can you beat her?

Chris Brown-Yes I can

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#608612 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 16:46

Peroxide...epic, still I must smh at that comment.

Reply

letthemxeatcake | 0

#609031 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 21:56

I had the same thing in mind too!

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616476 - Monday 12 October 2009 3:47

Dude, what's the problem? You just found out your girlfriend's a slut. That means she's easy and probably puts out.

Reply

aarmy | 0

#1043023 - Friday 25 June 2010 16:19

I know this is late, but 9 - lmao. I know where the refrence is from.

Reply

anthemjb | 0

#1073928 - Thursday 8 July 2010 9:08

XD #8 my friend just asked me today, "on a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, how pissed are you?" and then i saw this.

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#5544198 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:29

"That's not even your song!"... Haha nigahiga

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#608094 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:19

oh the high school drama.

sucks to be you though...

By yaddameena | 0

#608096 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:22

time to find a new gf.

By Raiders714 | 0

#608098 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:22

Dude that sucks to be you you probably wernt as romantic as the other guy LOL

Reply

emanftw21 | 9

#7617909 - Sunday 1 April 2018 19:40

dude wtf

By the_megster | 1

#608104 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:27

that so messed up i would leave her asap !!!

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#608117 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:36

Boob punch.

Reply

amy397123 | 0

#608169 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 10:30

This.

Reply

anniebananie | 3

#608773 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 18:45

Cunt punt.

Reply

dabomb1463 | 0

#4134759 - Thursday 8 March 2012 5:39

No no no ^^ This is what I call a win

By NotLyingAboutIt | 0

#608158 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 10:11

F*** her.........no i'm serious F*** her and then leave her if i were a dude thats what i would do

By doriandarko | 0

#608164 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 10:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

InsanePPG | 25

#608685 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 17:35

That actually happened a couple of years ago. A girl stopped hanging out with one of her friends, so the friend's mom did exactly what you just described, and the girl killed herself because she was so upset by it.

OP, I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you leave her, if you haven't done so already.

Reply

RuralNinja | 0

#609043 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:02

I'm sure he realized that, since he said it was on the news.

Reply

popoman | 0

#609083 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:28

Not like she doesn't deserve it. The girl on the news, however, did not deserve it.

Reply

KingOfTheWastes | 0

#614062 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:07

Is anybody else reminded of the "Love Hurts" quest from Fable 2?

Reply

akg98 | 13

#4599105 - Friday 22 June 2012 7:43

No! Thts terrible!! Yes,cheating is bad, but suicide? Thts messed up

Reply

hahafmls | 8

#4641183 - Monday 2 July 2012 12:55

That is just cruel.

Reply

Panda_Shy_Haven | 17

#5094286 - Monday 29 October 2012 17:22

Don't ever fucking joke about suicide like that..

By veganphotog | 0

#608174 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 10:47

oh damn that sucks.

By A83_fml | 18

#608186 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 11:02

option 1: dirty sanchez her.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#608188 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 11:04

option 2: Give her an Alabama Hot Pocket.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#608202 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 11:30

Option 3: California Poppy.

Reply

QuitetheDuffles | 0

#608221 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 12:22

Option 4: Falcon punch.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#608225 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 12:30

Shota Tiger? Yuri Dragon? GURO DRAGON????

Reply

FailFoxtrot | 0

#608436 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 15:18

Option 5: Curb Stomp