Miscellaneous: Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically... - FML

By zitroskies - United States

Today, I was walking out of class when I saw a girl enthusiastically run to her boyfriend, jump on him, and smother him with kisses. I thought to myself "I wish my girlfriend did that." When the girl jumped off and turned around I realized she did, just not to me. FML

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Taking stock

Leave us alone

Sticky situation

By poo_shoe123 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

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By Arp - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

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By sucker - Canada

Today, my cheating ex-boyfriend was offered the job we both interviewed for. I helped him with his cover letter before I found out about the affair. I've been unemployed for almost two years. FML

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By Kev

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

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By moetplease - Singapore

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

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By Anonymous - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I told my boss I'm going to quit, after months of being abused, doing meaningless work, and working late every day. I was soon given so many new projects that I didn't even have time to write my resignation letter. FML

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By mc - France

Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML

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By rj - United States - Goddard

Today, my wife told me she was pregnant. I don't remember having sex since last year. FML

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By anonymous

Today, we had a tornado warning and I told my parents I loved them, just in case. My dad just said "see you in Kansas". FML

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By Kagura - Turkey

Today, I went shopping with my mother. I needed to use the toilet, so entered a restaurant. After I left the toilet, my mother, who was near the restaurant's entrance, called out and asked: "Did you flush it?" Everyone heard her. And I'm 22 years old. FML

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By imma ture

Today, I was involved in a debate. Things got out of control, insults were hurled, and by the end friends were lost. The subject of the debate? Whether snot has enough calories in it to be nutritional. FML

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By dollabill009 - United States

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. I was doing upper body workouts and decided to ask a very large man to spot me while I did bench presses. As he stood over me, I saw two beads of sweat roll off his nose. One hit me on the cheek. The other landed in my open mouth. FML

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By mlove - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law finally admitted that I'm "not the girl for her son" and that she will do anything to break us up. FML

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By pretty princess - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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By MBean - Anguilla - The Valley

Today, I saw a wasp on the ground, apparently injured and unable to fly. It was being mobbed by ants and looked certain to die, so I stamped on the ants to save its life. At this point it sprung up, stung me, then flew off. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2021 11:01

We don't need no education

Today, I received a call from a top-rated university accepting me into the program of my dreams to begin my ultimate career. Two weeks ago, I accepted a permanent, full time and legally-binding job position in my depressive hometown because the school had previously rejected me. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, I got a citation from my landlord because my puppy couldn't make it to the grass and peed in the shrubs. Later in the evening, I got a citation that my music was too loud. Until I'd submitted my 30-day notice yesterday, no one ever had a problem with me FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

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By forever alone - United Kingdom

Today, I was feeling down about being the only single person out of a group of eight friends. Out of desperation, I made up "Jonny", a hot fitness instructor whom I recently hooked up with. Now "Jonny" and I have been invited to a friends' night out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

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By badmom101 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub, when she started to breathe heavily. So I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck, she then turns around and says "Tell my room mate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

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By :,< - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By JJMan217 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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By workaholic - United States

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 11:01

Deception

Today, I found out that my husband, who was supposed to be in PA school, dropped out 6 and a half years ago and never even received his bachelor's. He started lying to me before we were even a year into dating. FML

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By Daddy - United States - Hialeah

Today, I discovered an effective form of body hair removal. I discovered that my three-year-old daughter is strong enough to pull off a major clump of my leg hair. FML

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By brokenkneechick - United States

Today, I called the campus police to give me a ride to the cafeteria since I am on crutches from knee surgery. I was only halfway into the car when the man started driving and ran over my foot. Now neither my right knee or my left foot work. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?ngelholm

One night

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

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By BobsBabe2 - United States

Today, my 13-year-old son discovered Axe. Axe shower gel. Axe shampoo. Axe body spray. All at once. FML

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By Foosa801 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewis Center

Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me for acting "inappropriately" at work. I gave him a hug. He's my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was fired. My boss told me via email that it was because I "don't have enough experience with fun spiritual." Uh, what? FML

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By Anonymous

Dead wrong

Today, I attended my husband's funeral and my son carried out the eulogy, which basically turned into a character assassination, ending with "and I hope Hell is hot enough for you, old man." Almost our entire family agreed with every word he said. FML

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By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 05:02

Unprofessional

Today, I found out my fiancé has been sleeping with his therapist behind my back. If that wasn't bad enough on its own, I'd talked him into starting therapy 6 months ago to help with his mental health troubles, and have been mostly paying for it. FML

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By Shannon - United States - Dearborn

Today, a customer called the restaurant I work at to ask if our coupons were always valid, or if they expired on the expiration date printed on them. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#608092 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:19

Is anyone else somewhat reminded of one part of Paramore's Misery Business video? Except that the girl/guy roles are switched?

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#608117 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:36

Boob punch.

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#608092 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:19

Is anyone else somewhat reminded of one part of Paramore's Misery Business video? Except that the girl/guy roles are switched?

Reply

timtam24 | 0

#608103 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:25

i am now

OP, sorry but she's not your gf

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#608135 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:50

I was actually thinking of Chris Brown and Rihanna.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#608143 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:54

lmao, Rachel.

Don't give me that lovey-dovey lovey-dovey kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss. Imma grab yo face and chove it from wall to wall. I don't care if ANY of the neighbors call....Then I'm gonna crack a bottle and make my body waddle, then shove it in your face 'cause you think you're a model!

Reply

Peroxide | 3

#608449 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 15:25

Rihannas IQ is 117, can you beat her?

Chris Brown-Yes I can

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#608612 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 16:46

Peroxide...epic, still I must smh at that comment.

Reply

letthemxeatcake | 0

#609031 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 21:56

I had the same thing in mind too!

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616476 - Monday 12 October 2009 3:47

Dude, what's the problem? You just found out your girlfriend's a slut. That means she's easy and probably puts out.

Reply

aarmy | 0

#1043023 - Friday 25 June 2010 16:19

I know this is late, but 9 - lmao. I know where the refrence is from.

Reply

anthemjb | 0

#1073928 - Thursday 8 July 2010 9:08

XD #8 my friend just asked me today, "on a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, how pissed are you?" and then i saw this.

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#5544198 - Thursday 20 June 2013 18:29

"That's not even your song!"... Haha nigahiga

By unfortunate_13 | 5

#608094 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:19

oh the high school drama.

sucks to be you though...

By yaddameena | 0

#608096 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:22

time to find a new gf.

By Raiders714 | 0

#608098 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:22

Dude that sucks to be you you probably wernt as romantic as the other guy LOL

Reply

emanftw21 | 9

#7617909 - Sunday 1 April 2018 19:40

dude wtf

By the_megster | 1

#608104 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:27

that so messed up i would leave her asap !!!

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#608117 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 9:36

Boob punch.

Reply

amy397123 | 0

#608169 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 10:30

This.

Reply

anniebananie | 3

#608773 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 18:45

Cunt punt.

Reply

dabomb1463 | 0

#4134759 - Thursday 8 March 2012 5:39

No no no ^^ This is what I call a win

By NotLyingAboutIt | 0

#608158 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 10:11

F*** her.........no i'm serious F*** her and then leave her if i were a dude thats what i would do

By doriandarko | 0

#608164 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 10:18

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

InsanePPG | 25

#608685 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 17:35

That actually happened a couple of years ago. A girl stopped hanging out with one of her friends, so the friend's mom did exactly what you just described, and the girl killed herself because she was so upset by it.

OP, I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you leave her, if you haven't done so already.

Reply

RuralNinja | 0

#609043 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:02

I'm sure he realized that, since he said it was on the news.

Reply

popoman | 0

#609083 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 22:28

Not like she doesn't deserve it. The girl on the news, however, did not deserve it.

Reply

KingOfTheWastes | 0

#614062 - Saturday 10 October 2009 23:07

Is anybody else reminded of the "Love Hurts" quest from Fable 2?

Reply

akg98 | 13

#4599105 - Friday 22 June 2012 7:43

No! Thts terrible!! Yes,cheating is bad, but suicide? Thts messed up

Reply

hahafmls | 8

#4641183 - Monday 2 July 2012 12:55

That is just cruel.

Reply

Panda_Shy_Haven | 17

#5094286 - Monday 29 October 2012 17:22

Don't ever fucking joke about suicide like that..

By veganphotog | 0

#608174 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 10:47

oh damn that sucks.

By A83_fml | 18

#608186 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 11:02

option 1: dirty sanchez her.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#608188 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 11:04

option 2: Give her an Alabama Hot Pocket.

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#608202 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 11:30

Option 3: California Poppy.

Reply

QuitetheDuffles | 0

#608221 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 12:22

Option 4: Falcon punch.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#608225 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 12:30

Shota Tiger? Yuri Dragon? GURO DRAGON????

Reply

FailFoxtrot | 0

#608436 - Wednesday 7 October 2009 15:18

Option 5: Curb Stomp