Health: Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 376

You deserved it 100

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 157

You deserved it 1 328

07/06/2011 10:27

Today, I was taking a nap in our country house. I was sick with a fever of 101.3. When I woke up, I see that my family had left to go back to the apartment. They forgot me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 990

You deserved it 3 638

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

You tried

Empathy lives

12/08/2011 06:17

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 471

You deserved it 4 778

13/07/2010 04:34

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 726

You deserved it 10 756

12/12/2012 17:51

Today, my very cheap boyfriend of four years proposed. I was overwhelmed with emotion, since he bought such a huge, seemingly-diamond ring. I was later overwhelmed with emotion when my finger turned green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 362

You deserved it 4 475

02/09/2009 11:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 083

You deserved it 3 011

24/12/2012 18:02

Spicy

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 779

You deserved it 28 113

14/06/2013 22:12

Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 923

You deserved it 4 912

06/08/2011 21:34

Spicy

Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 003

You deserved it 4 840

19/08/2012 22:28

Today, my husband announced that he was fed up with us being known as the neighborhood slobs, and prepared to take down all the Christmas decorations still up from last year. He then decided it was too much effort, and that he'd leave them up to give us a three month head-start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 561

You deserved it 6 294

15/03/2016 23:14

Today, I went into a store for an interview. I've had several places wanting to talk to me and this job was a lot lower paying. I got a little cocky and when offered the job, I said I wanted some time to finish my other interviews first and see what my options were. The manager then took back his offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 700

You deserved it 27 514

22/02/2010 18:11

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 539

You deserved it 3 025

28/04/2013 03:16

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 146

You deserved it 3 428

When pranking goes too far

By Anonymous - 27/03/2021 20:01

Today, my husband has both arms broken, and I have to help him in the bathroom. Not the problem. My girlfriends and I have been pranking each other lately and it's been fun, but they decided to slip my husband slip him some laxatives so that I would have to clean him him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 958

You deserved it 147

10/11/2011 11:16

Today, I sat on the toilet and fell off as the broken toilet seat slid off. As I fell, I grabbed the light cord in an effort to stop myself, and pulled it out of the ceiling. Now I can't use the toilet, and have to shower in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 384

You deserved it 6 058

02/05/2012 22:41

Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 998

You deserved it 2 454

15/08/2010 20:20

Today, after already having a terrible day, I went to Starbucks for an espresso. Being nice, I put the last dollar I had in my wallet in their tip jar. While paying for my drink, my card was denied for insufficient funds. The world hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 681

You deserved it 6 413

06/12/2018 21:00

Today, when I went to my gp for an annual check up, I was complaining to the nurse about my chronically sore ankle. Turns out it has been fractured for 8 years. When I was 11 I was playing in my grans garden and went over on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 595

You deserved it 278

28/07/2016 02:50

Today, I discovered that despite locking the bathroom door of an airplane, a man is still fully capable of walking in on you changing your tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 707

You deserved it 1 909

10/03/2013 16:03

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being a feeder, saying that's why she's been putting on so much weight. When I said it might be because she eats at McDonalds everyday, and that I was willing to start cooking low-calorie foods for us, she hit me. Then she went to McDonalds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 899

You deserved it 5 285

Bad omen

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 13:34

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 705

You deserved it 4 331

08/06/2009 23:24

Spicy

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 020

You deserved it 9 263

Losing my mind

By rawr - 30/10/2019 18:00

Today, I managed to lose a 3XL fleece jacket in my house, which had my wallet and car keys in it. I had the pleasure of explaining this to my boss when I had to call in, after everyone I called did not respond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 334

19/11/2013 17:13

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 953

You deserved it 9 000

09/07/2018 19:00

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 830

You deserved it 243

19/02/2013 06:19

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 153

You deserved it 55 476

25/09/2012 15:09

Spicy

Today, my wife of four years revealed to me that she once had sex with six men at once back in college. Apparently she still fantasizes about it when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 042

You deserved it 3 794

22/06/2018 05:00

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 605

You deserved it 538

15/10/2009 11:29

Today, I found out that, because I'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 091

You deserved it 2 362

11/07/2016 15:05

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 268

You deserved it 1 431

19/01/2014 23:21

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 597

You deserved it 8 457

28/08/2009 17:11

Spicy

Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 675

You deserved it 17 427

22/06/2009 01:15

Today, I was down at Disney World. Me and my buddy decided to take our pictures in a photobooth. While in the tiny space, I thought it'd be funny to flash the camera. A women barged in as soon as I did so, screaming "You know there's an outside video feed, right!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 361

You deserved it 65 434

25/10/2009 16:09

Today, I was walking down the hall from the livingroom. I overheard my mom telling someone how proud she was of her baby girl and how much she loved her. I thought she was referring to my first ever all "A" report card. Turns out my new kitten used its litter box correctly for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 995

You deserved it 3 570

27/04/2016 07:22

Today, I rolled my ankle, got pink eye, and have the flu. Unable to stand long enough to cook myself a meal, I opted for delivery. When I opened the door for the delivery boy, he backed away frantically with his arms up upon seeing me. Apparently, I look just as shitty as I feel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 956

You deserved it 1 927

29/05/2010 04:14

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 789

You deserved it 8 342

21/05/2014 00:53

Today, I found out that the built in lighter in my car does NOT in fact glow red when hot. I now have circles burned into my finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 388

You deserved it 29 132

15/12/2012 12:33

Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 397

You deserved it 3 420

14/10/2016 03:46

Today, I was babysitting, and the family dog was unable to move, so I had texted the mother about it. We put the small dog on the couch to make it comfortable while the mother was on her way to get the dog and take it to the vet. Turns out, we sat with a dead dog for about ten minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 763

You deserved it 1 271

31/10/2010 02:14

Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 859

You deserved it 27 318

19/09/2013 05:35

Today, a man at the comic book store I work at asked me if Spider-Man is based on a real story, and verbally abused me when, thinking he was joking, I laughed. He wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 764

You deserved it 3 518

27/09/2012 04:10

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 058

You deserved it 7 201

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:08

I guess it's time to do everyone's favorite past-time when they are home alone. Take off your clothes!

perdix 29

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:19

The fever is making your delirious. Your family didn't forget you, they ditched you.

Comments

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:07

that sirecly sucks!

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:08

Maybe they were out to get u meds or something and in that case it would be the polar opposite

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:30

Or because OP ruined the family vacation by being sick the whole time. Take some vitamin C and stop being such a drag! ;)

MizzErikaHart 8

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 17:16

so they left u n now u got ur own private country house. Try n have a party, live it up til they remember to get u.

iSitt 0

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 17:30

at over 101 op should see a doc

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 18:27

ummm no. op needs advil or Tylenol and the fever will go away. a fever does not usually require a fever

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 18:30

a redundant phrase doesn't usually require a redundant phrase

1215116a 14

Tuesday 7 June 2011 18:38

But why wouldn't one person stay there to watch him if he's sick? And if op said they left, they probably took all their stuff, proving they left back to their home.

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 18:42

How did you fit your bed in the kitchen?

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 19:02

I meant a fever doesn't usually require a doctor... sorry for the accidental repetiveness and redundacy

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 20:01

OP, why would y'all leave a house for an apartment??????!?!?!11111

Docbee 11

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 20:18

Alone in a house... in the dark... free to do whatever you want;)

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 22:08

I agree with 55, have a sexy party.

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Wednesday 8 June 2011 0:47

You sir, are an idiot.

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Wednesday 8 June 2011 1:24

No, they hate her.

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:08

I guess it's time to do everyone's favorite past-time when they are home alone. Take off your clothes!

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:28

I have the urge to reply with Bruno mars lyrics but I can't remember them...

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:29

I thought I was the only one.

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:37

"ill just strut in my birthday suit, and let everything hang loose."

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:46

that's what they are!!

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 20:56

You mean post about it on FML instead of getting help. XD

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 21:17

"Hell if I'm going to die, I'm going to die wearing the same thing I wore coming in!"

whiteboy7thst 2

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:09

they think your dead

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:12

I really can't tell. is this s'posed to be sarcastic and funny?

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:11

Maybe they left to get you some remedies & didn't want to wake you? That, or you're walking home

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Wednesday 8 June 2011 14:17

^walking

shakeTHEworld 12

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:14

That's horrible! What kind of family forgets their own kid? FYL indeed. I mean, didn't anyone ever wondered if there's someone missing?

thebestof1984 0

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:21

Have you seen Home Alone!! They forgot their son twice!! :p

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 17:44

But that's because they are morons!!

volley4eva1698 0

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Wednesday 8 June 2011 0:12

I hate it when people say indeed

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Wednesday 8 June 2011 6:05

I agree. If you really loved your son as much as you said the first time he got left behind, why would you leave again. But, I love the rest of the movie.

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Wednesday 8 June 2011 6:19

just like the movie home alone!!

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Sunday 12 June 2011 20:48

It's bad enough they left you sleeping but ahilé you were sick too!

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:14

Maybe you wished your family away, know your Home Alone.

eftup 9

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:15

good thing you aren't dead!

krissbrunnette 0

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:16

Gee, whatta family?

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 16:17

Throw a huge party and just trash the place. then when they're asleep get a bunch of your friends together and try to move each one of their beds outside where you shower them in skunk juice