Today, I was sleeping peacefully with my cat sweetly snuggling my legs under the covers. My husband dutch-ovened her, and she shredded my calves as she rushed to escape. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was relaxing on the sofa with the cat purring on my lap. My husband blasted an air horn. I'm now covered in cat scratches and piss, from both myself and the cat. I'm going to skin him. FML
Today, I didn't realize my cat was sleeping in the room with me until she decided to jump on me in the middle of the night, resulting in a critical hit to my groin. FML
Today, I awoke to my cat sitting on my chest. That wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't tried to get her off. She promptly went crazy and scratched me. My fiancée, who was sleeping next to me, hit me, called me cruel, and told me to apologize to the cat. I did. FML
Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML
Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML
Today, I woke up to my husband slowly pulling my blanket off me. I thought he was being romantic until I realized it was because the cat had puked all over me while I was sleeping. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML
Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
I bet that wasn't the only pussy he drove away that night
gamermonster 34
I sure hope your legs don't get infected. Heal quick OP.
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Comments (51)
smoothies14 32
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
I have to but YDI on every cat story for simply owning a cat and thinking this won't happen.
shrinkdinck 13
You're profile picture is a tiger though? And you say tigers are the best?
smoothies14 32
"...owning a cat AND THINKING THIS WON'T HAPPEN." They are beautiful, strong, independent creatures. Not pets.
smoothies14 32
I think you misunderstand, so let me clarify. My comment was not about the merits of cats. I'm saying that its annoying that every cat FML can be summed like this: Today, my cat acted like a cat. FML. If you own a cat, expect it to be cat-like and don't complain or don't have one.
Mynamewontfi 40
Honestly, that's a dumb way of thinking imo. Then almost every FML would be a YDI, if you think about it. "dog eats something they shouldn't, YDI, it's a dog what do you expect." "human does something stupid, YDI for being a human, because humans make mistakes". "car broke down, YDI" etc. etc.
stevenbro 6
Totally agree with you. A cat acts like, uh, a cat. That's why I don't have one or want one.
MagnusDeus 24
I highly suggest cutting your cats claws on a regular basis.
DoomedGemini 38
It wasn't really the cat's fault, it was her dumbass husband's.
Catdragon 40
And that is a horrible idea. Trust me, it just makes them hurt worse. You don't need to clip their nails. Cats maintain themselves. If you don't want to get scratched get claw caps which stay on for a few weeks. Or just don't get a cat. Cats scratch, don't like that get a goldfish
sandman676 20
Hahahahahahaha
Sosuke_Aizen 11
Your husband sounds like a complete child.
ulissey_fml 22
That'll teach you to own a cat. Next time adopt a hamster, damn !
MaiqTheLiar 11
M'aiq excuses for his Khajiit-friend. Khajiiti scratch everything when they panic.
magickitten 26
The what? What? What happened there #26?
Stormcloak429 14
A Khajiit is a cat-like race from Skyrim. He's just referencing Skyrim.
citrusglass 22
I think #26 means make excuses. Also, khajiit is a race in the Elder Scrolls, which is, just like OP's cat, a feline. Judging by #26's profile picture (in which there is a khajiit), they're an Elder Scroll player.
citrusglass 22
Crap, sorry, M'aiq is a character. Haven't played in a while.
TheKingOfHearts 19
Lol you asshole
andrmac 25
You should Dutch oven your husband the next chance you get.
dhunt9 5
YDI for having a cat
disneyfreak 10
Hahahahaha!!!! Omg, that's awesome!!!