Miscellaneous: Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

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Out of it

Animal lover

My body, my choice

By Anonymous

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

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By crier - United States - Norfolk

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

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By Soo - 24/12/2020 08:04 - Spain - Archidona

Stop that now

Today, I saw my 4 year-old daughter singing and dancing, so I decided to sing along. As soon as I started singing she said, without blinking her eyes and super calmly, "Could you please stop doing that?" FML

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By Bart - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old brother and 3 of our dogs to a school playground nearby. When we got there, one of the four of them pooped in the field. It wasn't one of the dogs. FML

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By :,< - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

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By sickofsick - United States

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

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By Crawlinginmymemes - United States - Danvers

Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML

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By ally - 23/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Austin

We could be heroes…

Today, I was changing a wound bandage on one of my patient’s buttocks. I forgot to initial and date the bandage per hospital regulation. As I kneeled in to write, the patient let out the biggest loudest fart directly in my face. The worst part? Some of it sprayed out, some on my face. FML

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By fezhafeez - Singapore - Singapore

Today, the girl I like asked me to take over her shift at the place we both work at. Being nice, I readily took over. Later, I found out she went on a date with my best friend. He knows I like her. FML

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By d.stack - United States

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

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By longdrive - United States

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 10:01 - United States - Milwaukee

Some friends you've got there

Today, I wrote a post about how I was thinking of attempting suicide. Not one single person contacted me to see if I was alright. FML

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By loverpants - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

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By RayniDae - United States - Port Clinton

Today, we ran out of our disposal gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 17:00

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

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By poorman - United States - Derwood

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

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By VoiceMail - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was laying in the grass, staring into the blue sky and watching planes go by. My boyfriend snuggles down next to me; it was a sweet moment. He then told me all about how the planes above are leaving 'chem trails', and that he believes the CIA is out to mind-control us all. Right. FML

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By Ally - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I wrote a song for my boyfriend on paper. The first thing he did was correct my grammar. FML

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By dino0123 - United States - Herndon

Today, my very cheap boyfriend of four years proposed. I was overwhelmed with emotion, since he bought such a huge, seemingly-diamond ring. I was later overwhelmed with emotion when my finger turned green. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

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By thanksbabe - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

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By roseland - United States - Hilton

Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML

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By thanksmom - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

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By nomwar - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML

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By Lea - Denmark

Today, my kitchen nearly burned down because the fire alarm didn't detect the plumes of smoke wafting through the kitchen. This is the same alarm that wails when I use the toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 20:01

No fun

Today, I was finishing a cigarette outside of the mall when we heard someone fart. Turns out it was a little girl. They looked around, so jokingly I said, "We didn't hear anything." Her family giggled and so did we, until everyone realized the little girl was now sobbing. I'm a POS. FML

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By boomstick - United States

Today, I pulled a bee off of my friend's dog because we were worried he could be allergic. Of course I got stung, and of course the dog wasn't allergic. Turns out I am. FML

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By ballbreath - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

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By Jay703 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that I have the balls to base jump and skydive, but I still can't ask out the hot girl working at the pub. FML

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By Anonymous - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

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By df22 - 3/7/2020 20:08

Graded

Today, I got my language final exam back. It was a 10-page essay front and back, and I saw that I received a D. The teacher told me the plot was too hard to follow and it jumped all over the place. It turns out he forgot to read the back of every page. FML

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By fuckmyparents

Today, the school I applied to work for told me they were not going to schedule an interview. Why? Because they think my papers and name are fake. My name is Seymour Skinner. I’m not joking. FML

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Top comments

By rmm | 0

#100248 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:46

If I thought I was going to be sick in class, I wouldn't ask, I'd just run out of the room!
I feel for you!

By FMLover269 | 0

#100252 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:47

I hate it when teachers do that.
Give the grammar lesson after the student has emptied out what needs to be emptied.

COMMENTS

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#100242 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:45

That almost happened to me once in the second grade, we were having a party while some chick ate a load of candy and drank all this soda. We were watching a movie when she blasted the desk we had to share.

Reply

RaizerBerry | 3

#4757699 - Wednesday 1 August 2012 4:24

That's the part where you take your shirt off and rub it on the teachers smart ass face.

By rmm | 0

#100248 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:46

If I thought I was going to be sick in class, I wouldn't ask, I'd just run out of the room!
I feel for you!

By myloveiselectric | 0

#100250 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:46

oh god, that sucks. we have a rule at my school that says if you gotta puke, don't ask, just run out of the room

By FMLover269 | 0

#100252 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:47

I hate it when teachers do that.
Give the grammar lesson after the student has emptied out what needs to be emptied.

Reply

killdozer1 | 2

#4757312 - Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:46

If the teacher could comperhend wut she wuz try'in 2 sé, then eye fale 2 c y grammatical functions r nessesary.

By youknowit919 | 0

#100256 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:48

this is more of a fhl

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#100258 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:48

Did you lick it up? Stomach acid's good for the esophagus, doncha know.

Reply

sgomfg | 1

#1004478 - Sunday 23 May 2010 22:40

lol nahhh

Reply

Thatgirl299 | 15

#5851925 - Saturday 8 February 2014 11:58

EWWWW!! WTF MAN!!

By uhntissbby | 0

#100259 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:48

ew, that's why you just walk out without asking when you feel like you're going to vomit instead, and explain when you get back. FYL!

Reply

mercymedical | 6

#4267205 - Friday 6 April 2012 16:45

I'd be pissed at the teacher more than discusted with the girl.

By Fab_fml | 0

#100260 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:49

I agree with #2. If you're sick, don't sit and wait for permission, get the hell out. That girl is as much an idiot as the teacher.

By _Chocoholic_ | 0

#100261 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:49

Oh god... poor girl! I agree with # 2 & 3: I wouldn't have bothered to ask at that point... just run to the bathroom!!

By cucuto89 | 0

#100266 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:49

i hate it when teachers do that, stfu or else next time i'll just leave w/o telling you