Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being smart said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk and me. FML

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Family values

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 05:38 - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

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By NO NO NO - 5/8/2013 21:42 - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

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By Odnel - 27/7/2013 04:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, my family and I visited my cousins in Virginia. When we arrived, we found that they already had guests over. I've stuttered my whole life, so when they asked me what my name was, I stuttered for several seconds trying to say my name. Everyone burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 16:21 - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

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By Username - 29/5/2019 12:15

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

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By jennythezebra - 3/6/2014 22:02 - United Kingdom - Thornton Heath

Today, a customer told me, "Girls your size can't bend at the waist." I couldn't stop laughing at the imagery long enough to be really offended. FML

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By karma - 28/1/2009 18:36 - Canada

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

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By rainyday - 12/2/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I said that at least I was always there for him when he needed me. He said "When did I need you?" FML

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By erika - 28/7/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 20:54 - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 05:57 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2014 16:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was about to sneeze. To avoid getting his new tablet wet, he chose to sneeze right into my face instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I was backing out of my snowy drive way on my way to work. I thought I hit a lump of snow. I'd run over my white cat. FML

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By hatesmellyfeet - 20/1/2010 13:47 - United States

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

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By Yoir mom - 16/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Port Richey

Very bad idea

Today, I realized I was late for work, so I rushed out of bed only to accidentally step onto my dog which then promptly bit my leg and now I'm in the ER. FML

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By ccblock - 17/9/2010 01:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "no", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "deal." FML

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By Ross R - 27/12/2012 08:52 - United States - Richland

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 07:12 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By mike4444 - 12/2/2010 18:11 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2012 09:44 - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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By nhanley1 - 2/4/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

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By BadDay - 20/9/2016 05:04 - Australia - Beerwah

Today, being a little stressed, I managed to lock my keys inside my car. I was taking this fairly calmly until, while waiting for roadside assistance, I overheard another woman in the same carpark say, "No, of course I didn't lock my keys in the car! I'm not a COMPLETE idiot." FML

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By chefdujour - 15/3/2009 04:56 - United States

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my fianc''s grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him, "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 21:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Deep desire

Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 17:46 - United States

Today, I treated my boyfriend to an expensive dinner using the last of my paycheck. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few minutes in. I came back to find my plate empty. His excuse was, "I didn't want the food to get cold." FML

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By AL - 21/9/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, my mom is marrying my ex boyfriend's dad. The same ex boyfriend who I caught cheating on me with my sister. Family gatherings are going to be such a joy! FML

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By Nomoresandwish - 29/11/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, when I had a go at my husband for spending way too much time in front of the TV, he pointed the remote control at me while miming turning down the volume in order to make me shut up. FML

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By danam - 5/7/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 17:06 - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

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By 50love - 13/12/2011 05:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he finished all of them cheered. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 01:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

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By microtech - 13/12/2011 17:33 - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2012 07:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML

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By no spare - 19/12/2016 19:22 - United States - Marquette

Today, I woke up to find out that the two front tires on our van were flat. Now we won't have a vehicle all week since the tire shop is booked solid. We just went through this with the rear tires two weeks ago. FML

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By Jonny - 9/1/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

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By Sun_Kissed18 - 9/7/2014 07:26 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

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By Aaron Lewis - 7/7/2012 05:01 - United States - Topeka

Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2018 15:00

Today, while bagging at a grocery store, a customer had me use some canvas bags he'd brought with him. This wouldn't have been a problem had they not reeked strongly of cat piss. FML

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By kingwalrus - 12/6/2010 18:55 - United Kingdom

Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

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By LevKin - 30/7/2009 07:20 - Canada

Today, I got into a car accident. The car I hit belongs to my girlfriend's father. We never met before. He believes strongly in "first impressions." FML

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Top comments

By rmm | 0

#100248 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:46

If I thought I was going to be sick in class, I wouldn't ask, I'd just run out of the room!
I feel for you!

By FMLover269 | 0

#100252 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:47

I hate it when teachers do that.
Give the grammar lesson after the student has emptied out what needs to be emptied.

COMMENTS

By EffinWhosLife | 0

#100242 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:45

That almost happened to me once in the second grade, we were having a party while some chick ate a load of candy and drank all this soda. We were watching a movie when she blasted the desk we had to share.

Reply

RaizerBerry | 3

#4757699 - Wednesday 1 August 2012 4:24

That's the part where you take your shirt off and rub it on the teachers smart ass face.

By rmm | 0

#100248 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:46

If I thought I was going to be sick in class, I wouldn't ask, I'd just run out of the room!
I feel for you!

By myloveiselectric | 0

#100250 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:46

oh god, that sucks. we have a rule at my school that says if you gotta puke, don't ask, just run out of the room

By FMLover269 | 0

#100252 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:47

I hate it when teachers do that.
Give the grammar lesson after the student has emptied out what needs to be emptied.

Reply

killdozer1 | 2

#4757312 - Wednesday 1 August 2012 1:46

If the teacher could comperhend wut she wuz try'in 2 sé, then eye fale 2 c y grammatical functions r nessesary.

By youknowit919 | 0

#100256 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:48

this is more of a fhl

By bipolarchipmunk | 0

#100258 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:48

Did you lick it up? Stomach acid's good for the esophagus, doncha know.

Reply

sgomfg | 1

#1004478 - Sunday 23 May 2010 22:40

lol nahhh

Reply

Thatgirl299 | 15

#5851925 - Saturday 8 February 2014 11:58

EWWWW!! WTF MAN!!

By uhntissbby | 0

#100259 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:48

ew, that's why you just walk out without asking when you feel like you're going to vomit instead, and explain when you get back. FYL!

Reply

mercymedical | 6

#4267205 - Friday 6 April 2012 16:45

I'd be pissed at the teacher more than discusted with the girl.

By Fab_fml | 0

#100260 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:49

I agree with #2. If you're sick, don't sit and wait for permission, get the hell out. That girl is as much an idiot as the teacher.

By _Chocoholic_ | 0

#100261 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:49

Oh god... poor girl! I agree with # 2 & 3: I wouldn't have bothered to ask at that point... just run to the bathroom!!

By cucuto89 | 0

#100266 - Friday 10 April 2009 23:49

i hate it when teachers do that, stfu or else next time i'll just leave w/o telling you