Miscellaneous: Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 1 258

10/04/2009 00:16

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 074

You deserved it 66 652

Dysfunctional

Chill out, dad

Possession

02/06/2009 08:42

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 425

You deserved it 22 707

07/12/2012 15:30

Today, I came home to find a mouse in the garage. Frantic, I killed it. My 7-year-old son came home from soccer, and started crying because he couldn't find the class pet, Mr. Whiskers. I killed my son's class pet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 609

You deserved it 18 235

17/10/2014 22:30

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 659

You deserved it 3 790

03/02/2019 12:00

Today, while on vacation with my siblings and the horde of nieces and nephews, me and hubby managed to sneak in a quickie. It was a quickie alright. Ihe first time in our marriage he blew his load after 2 strokes because he was afraid of being interrupted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 743

You deserved it 572

14/09/2016 14:57

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 070

You deserved it 1 521

05/04/2016 09:02

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 894

You deserved it 1 509

21/12/2012 20:48

Today, I baked some regular brownies for my friend. Just to mess with him, after he ate some, I said they had weed in them. He trashed my room in anger, and still won't believe me when I tell him that I didn't actually slip him any drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 072

You deserved it 39 980

11/11/2013 17:20

Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 334

You deserved it 7 579

28/05/2012 14:05

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 101

You deserved it 3 346

29/09/2015 14:58

Today, after weeks of searching, I finally found the wedding dress of my dreams. Too bad it was in the form of a download for The Sims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 083

You deserved it 3 649

14/07/2011 05:09

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 019

You deserved it 2 349

Three's company

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 07:59

Today, after I searched for three months and found the coolest jacket and was stoked, my fiancé and our guy friend both ordered the same jacket so we can all match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 167

23/07/2015 15:07

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 761

You deserved it 2 648

19/04/2011 15:37

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 139

You deserved it 4 504

03/02/2011 05:05

Today, I spent nearly an hour thawing out my car and driving to work in this stupid freezing rain, only to find out that I'm now unemployed due to budget cuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 901

You deserved it 2 311

Joe Bidet

By tmrwsmggls - 16/11/2020 14:01

Today, I went to the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. Right as I sat down and started taking a dump, I looked over at the empty toilet paper roll and remembered his roommate had told us the night before that they were out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 310

27/02/2012 12:29

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 981

You deserved it 3 743

03/02/2011 04:46

Today, I accidentally drank my sister's science project. Her science project consisted of taking a glass of orange juice and putting maggots in it to see if they would live. I thought it was just pulp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 859

You deserved it 24 837

30/11/2014 06:09

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 965

You deserved it 9 792

16/05/2012 14:19

Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 514

You deserved it 10 220

03/02/2011 05:17

Spicy

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 142

You deserved it 6 423

27/08/2009 20:53

Today, I was driving past a farm that always has 4 chickens walking around outside. It always cheers me up to see them, but I couldn't find them. I wasn't watching the road so I didn't see when I ran over all 4 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 733

You deserved it 54 608

17/10/2016 22:12

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for refusing to give a found credit card to a woman it didn't belong to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 983

You deserved it 756

29/03/2017 07:00

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 782

You deserved it 1 083

10/01/2015 22:46

Today, I psyched myself up and headed out to a really promising job interview. I was sure I was going to nail it and get my first job. That is, until a bird shat on my head on my way there. Thank you so very much, universe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 214

You deserved it 2 543

26/03/2013 11:40

Today, my daughter got selected to pick music for a funeral. She only listens to Nikki Minaj. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 322

You deserved it 5 722

13/12/2015 20:04

Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 673

You deserved it 12 010

31/07/2016 16:45

Today, I let my new cat sleep in bed with me. It was cute until she wiped a tapeworm onto my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 065

You deserved it 2 267

05/02/2010 21:27

Today, there was this girl in heels running in front of me at school, and she slipped on ice. Trying to be a hero, I dropped my backpack and ran up to help her, but ended up slipping and landing on her leg. As I walked back to my backpack, I found out I dropped my laptop and broke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 133

You deserved it 14 923

07/03/2012 22:07

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 118

You deserved it 2 393

13/02/2009 19:06

Today, I bit into my egg sandwich, and when I looked back into it, there were 5 long, gray, hairs leading from the sandwich into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 906

You deserved it 3 491

02/03/2009 17:28

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 242

You deserved it 8 458

No kink-shaming on FML

By thedoc - 15/07/2014 03:25

Spicy

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 422

You deserved it 6 925

19/09/2010 14:11

Today, while at a local river, I had been pulled underwater by a very fast and strong current. While fighting for my life, I had let go of my sandals so I could pull myself up. After explaining to my mom what had happened to me, her response was "YOU LOST YOUR SANDALS!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 474

You deserved it 3 749

15/11/2014 14:43

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 168

You deserved it 3 172

The Walking Dead

By Derek Wheeler - 06/12/2020 08:00

Today, we overheard a customer in our store talking on the phone about how she'd been exposed to someone positive for COVID-19, and was supposed to be at home in quarantine just in case. The terrifying thing is how many other people come into our store when they shouldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 97

25/04/2016 16:59

Spicy

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 851

You deserved it 1 339

20/02/2009 05:25

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 237

You deserved it 4 060

30/08/2015 18:29

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 025

You deserved it 2 248

22/09/2013 21:21

Today, my brother decided it would be funny for almost every sentence out of his mouth to start with the word "hashtag". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 625

You deserved it 4 377

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Friday 10 April 2009 9:49

That's horrible. :/ PS - why does an order of cookie dough take 4 weeks? o_O

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Friday 10 April 2009 9:55

I don't really get how this is a FML. It just sounds like you're an insensitive jerk.

Comments

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Friday 10 April 2009 9:49

That's horrible. :/ PS - why does an order of cookie dough take 4 weeks? o_O

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Tuesday 9 February 2010 5:26

I've noticed alot of comments where ppl get the gender of OP wrong.... the gender is right at the top next to the name dumbshits. stop being asshats and called OP gay or lesbian. learn to read motherfuckers

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Monday 19 July 2010 18:52

baahahaha

nutella4life 14

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Tuesday 16 June 2015 6:01

the shipment and stuff like that.

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Friday 10 April 2009 9:53

HAHAHAHAHA, AWESOME.

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Friday 10 April 2009 9:55

I don't really get how this is a FML. It just sounds like you're an insensitive jerk.

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Friday 5 February 2010 4:46

wait what insensitive she or he helped him

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Friday 9 April 2010 22:20

I agree ^ he was just trying to be nice

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Monday 30 September 2013 3:51

OBVIOUSLY the OP was talking about the customers patience, not their life span. They weren't being rude, they simply didn't realize the other implication of what they were saying at first.

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Friday 10 April 2009 9:56

Your fault, but awesome! Rudeness under the guise of encouragement!

anonymous100000 17

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Sunday 11 January 2015 7:00

who even says that? regardless of them being elderly, who says that in general? YDI big time

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Friday 10 April 2009 9:58

So today i bought cookie dough from this sweet girl. she told me that it would take 4 weeks so i said i can wait. shen then said "hope you can make it." FML

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Friday 10 April 2009 9:59

LOL this made me laugh so hard awesome.

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Friday 10 April 2009 10:07

That's awesome! Bw, #5, you suck and are not at all funny :)

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Friday 10 April 2009 10:19

LMFAO! duude that sucks haha you really stepped in it

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Friday 10 April 2009 10:41

More the fuck their life, you prick. I hope it haunts you for the rest of your life if they do not make it.

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Monday 29 March 2010 3:21

damn! overreaction much? he didn't mean anything by it...

Blanadestroyer 0

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Friday 10 April 2009 10:49

4 weeks & one cookie dough later: "Today, I went to sell the cookie dough again to the same old folks house I had been to a month ago, where I accidentally offended this nice lady by expressing my hope she would make it till I come back. Turned out she didn't - she got so upset her heart broke later that evening. FML." The lesson: go get her flowers right now and think of decent apology - before you open your mouth though, double check what you're going to say this time or let us approve it first.