Miscellaneous: Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old... - FML

By phatkroger10 - United States

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

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Triage

Insurance is a scam

Cut her off

By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, I went through an entire roll of toilet paper in just over an hour. You win this time, questionable pork souvlaki. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woburn

Today, I resigned from my job in favor of a higher-paying one. After I filled out and filed the necessary papers, my boss told me that I had been nominated to replace him when he retired in a month. His job pays at least twice what I'm now making. Thanks for telling me, asshat. FML

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By kjcarey123 - United States

Today, a fax came in at work for a specific job, and I asked the owner of the company who it was for. He replied "the round one", so I handed it to our rotund Project Manager. Apparently the owner meant the garbage can, not my fat co-worker. Now i'm the asshole of the office. FML

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By Arcam - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I had my first accident in 5 years of driving. I clipped a Ford Fiesta, mirror to mirror. His mirror is totally destroyed. Mine is fine. I was so stressed afterwards that I reversed straight into another car. FML

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By ice_dancer_jake

Today, after spending the day at work avoiding all hard manual tasks that may harm me, I had a table dropped on my foot. I broke my toe, split my nail and had to get a tetanus shot. I was avoiding injury as I was supposed to be performing in a figure skating exhibition this evening. FML

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By noeducation - Canada

Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML

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By meandme - Canada - Fort Vermilion

Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML

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By HBCRUISER

Today, I had to go to the local UPS store to sign for a package with providing I.D. shipped to me. I had no idea who had sent the package. After signing for the package, I opened it and saw that I had signed for an empty package. I actually paid for nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 15:02 - United States - Boise

Suspicious

Today, I pulled over because my cell phone was ringing, as it's now illegal to use in a car. I finished the call when a motorcycle cop on side of road pulls up behind me and comes over. The reason? "You pulled off the road and it was suspicious, then I ran your plate…" FML

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By and she blames me -_- - Canada - Calgary

Today, some ass-bandit broke into my house by smashing a window, just so he could steal the ancient VHS cassette player that my wife wouldn't let me throw away. Thanks, scumbag, but the front door was unlocked. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my younger brother and I got into a fight over who the favorite child is. My mom overheard, came in the living room and said, "It's your little brother, now shut up." She was serious. FML

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By master6

Today I was pulling in to my work parking lot gate, accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake pedal, ran through the gate arm. FML

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By Foureyes - Australia

Today, my mother and father are insisting that I go on a date with a German exchange student they met at the weekend. Why? Because we have similar glasses. FML

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By Alright. - United States - Missoula

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend, I accidentally let one slip. While thinking "maybe he didn't hear, maybe he's sleeping", the shaking of the bed from his laughter let me know otherwise. FML

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By ositsranielle - United States

Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML

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By CallaC - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

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By Sam - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that the woman from My Strange Addiction who can't stop picking her scabs is married. I've been single for two years and I don't even pick my nose. FML

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By lemongrab - Canada

Today, I was chewed out by a lady who claimed the laptop she bought wouldn't turn on, and that she wanted a refund. She yelled and shoved the laptop at me, not even listening when I told her I didn't even work at that store. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2021 20:01

Zoom will end us all

Today, I had a bad fight with my brother. He started screaming at me, then I hear, "Sam your mic is unmuted." The fight was about him telling my dad that I'm pansexual. I came out to my whole class and my dad. By accident. FML

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By AVeryConfusedGuy

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

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By unicorn - United States

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

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By sickened - Philippines

Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML

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By Roselyn Cazares

Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 02:01

Delusional

Today, my mom is 100% positive that she saw me meeting up with a stranger and buying some kind of drug from "him." I didn't even pass by anyone on my walk. I went to get dollar store pizza, because I can't afford to buy any decent food this week, let alone drugs. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wembley

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered "cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

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By "catty_13"

Today, thanks to my estranged husband, I had three seizures at work. I came home yesterday to find that my seizure medications were completely gone. He'd flushed them down the toilet because he thinks I'm psychotic and "read on the internet" that it's because of the meds. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Vanda

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because of a tattoo I have. It's a small teddy bear on my leg with my parents' names on it. My workplace has no problems with tattoos, but my boss said it was "unoriginal and lame." It's a memorial tattoo; my parents died last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my brother sent me an image by Skype, saying I really had to see it. I figured it was some kind of stupid joke, but I tried to look anyway. It wouldn't open. Turns out he thought he could just rename the ".exe" on a virus to ".jpg" and it would still run. My brother's a cretin. FML

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By

I miss him

Today, after a 6 month dry spell, my husband was yet again “too tired” to have sex. I guess I finally found something I miss about my ex. FML

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By Innocent - New Zealand

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

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By gunnar

Today, my family and I went to Olive Garden. Due to my autism, I sometimes have a nervous tic, which presented itself while I was looking at the menu. I would have appreciated it if my mom hadn't then screamed at me to stop in front of the entire restaurant. FML

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By seepeezy32

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I really like, and she was telling me how crappy her day was. Trying to be nice, I gave her a back rub. I somehow managed to unhook her bra. FML

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By Muffinhater - United States

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I finished a big painting for art class. It's also the day my little brother decided it didn't have enough puke on it. FML

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By Humbug - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

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Top comments

By dumpweedx | 0

#98592 - Friday 10 April 2009 9:49

That's horrible. :/

PS - why does an order of cookie dough take 4 weeks? o_O

By kika_fml | 0

#98605 - Friday 10 April 2009 9:55

I don't really get how this is a FML. It just sounds like you're an insensitive jerk.

COMMENTS

By dumpweedx | 0

#98592 - Friday 10 April 2009 9:49

That's horrible. :/

PS - why does an order of cookie dough take 4 weeks? o_O

Reply

michael32123 | 0

#837030 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 5:26

I've noticed alot of comments where ppl get the gender of OP wrong.... the gender is right at the top next to the name dumbshits. stop being asshats and called OP gay or lesbian. learn to read motherfuckers

Reply

wdcthree | 0

#1110547 - Monday 19 July 2010 18:52

baahahaha

Reply

nutella4life | 14

#6322128 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 6:01

the shipment and stuff like that.

By mf_fml | 0

#98600 - Friday 10 April 2009 9:53

HAHAHAHAHA, AWESOME.

By kika_fml | 0

#98605 - Friday 10 April 2009 9:55

I don't really get how this is a FML. It just sounds like you're an insensitive jerk.

Reply

fmlalldayxxx | 0

#826385 - Friday 5 February 2010 4:46

wait what insensitive she or he helped him

Reply

talbot008 | 0

#976933 - Friday 9 April 2010 22:20

I agree ^ he was just trying to be nice

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#5695555 - Monday 30 September 2013 3:51

OBVIOUSLY the OP was talking about the customers patience, not their life span. They weren't being rude, they simply didn't realize the other implication of what they were saying at first.

By Seegtease | 0

#98608 - Friday 10 April 2009 9:56

Your fault, but awesome! Rudeness under the guise of encouragement!

Reply

anonymous100000 | 17

#6169212 - Sunday 11 January 2015 7:00

who even says that? regardless of them being elderly, who says that in general? YDI big time

By asub3292 | 0

#98614 - Friday 10 April 2009 9:58

So today i bought cookie dough from this sweet girl. she told me that it would take 4 weeks so i said i can wait. shen then said "hope you can make it." FML

By hk_fml | 9

#98616 - Friday 10 April 2009 9:59

LOL
this made me laugh so hard
awesome.

By fALLyl | 0

#98629 - Friday 10 April 2009 10:07

That's awesome!

Bw, #5, you suck and are not at all funny :)

By Bella_x | 0

#98638 - Friday 10 April 2009 10:19

LMFAO! duude that sucks haha you really stepped in it

By TeenTiger | 0

#98656 - Friday 10 April 2009 10:41

More the fuck their life, you prick. I hope it haunts you for the rest of your life if they do not make it.

Reply

Metzler31 | 17

#970274 - Monday 29 March 2010 3:21

damn! overreaction much? he didn't mean anything by it...

By Blanadestroyer | 0

#98666 - Friday 10 April 2009 10:49

4 weeks & one cookie dough later:

"Today, I went to sell the cookie dough again to the same old folks house I had been to a month ago, where I accidentally offended this nice lady by expressing my hope she would make it till I come back. Turned out she didn't - she got so upset her heart broke later that evening. FML."

The lesson: go get her flowers right now and think of decent apology - before you open your mouth though, double check what you're going to say this time or let us approve it first.