Health: Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After...

By Anonymous - 27/04/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 223

You deserved it 16 658

Health

Our house, in the middle of our street

Everybody does

Entitled

By Anonymous - 06/08/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, I borrowed my dad's laptop to type an essay. While I was saving it, I noticed some curious looking files and I opened them. They were rejection letters from all the colleges I had applied to. My dad had been forging them so he wouldn't have to pay for my tuition bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 519

You deserved it 3 467

By fmlimoverit - 12/09/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because he felt "our religious differences kept us apart." We've never talked about anything religious. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 181

You deserved it 3 674

By Can't Unsee - 25/08/2018 22:00

Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 050

You deserved it 526

You'll understand when you're older

By Anonymous - 25/11/2021 11:01 - United States - Livonia

Today, my mom told me the night before our school trip that I’m not going so she could get a refund. Now I have to stay alone with my mom for a week, while my friends are having the time of their life in NYC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 88

By KeysToHappiness - 16/08/2015 12:39 - United States - Roseville

Today, I was kayaking with my family for my birthday, when we tipped over while going down a rocky cascade. My husband badly cut up his arm, and my car keys and my phone both went for a swim and never returned. Great birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 384

You deserved it 8 634

By IHateProtesters - 25/11/2014 16:13 - United States - Hartford

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 639

You deserved it 3 013

By wearyconsumer - 23/12/2016 05:29

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 442

You deserved it 1 106

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 806

You deserved it 4 705

Judge not

By Anonymous - 18/07/2020 05:01

Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 193

By Frouse - 28/09/2018 22:02

Today, I was on the worst blind date ever, so I tried to secretly request an Uber to get out of there. My date then picked up his phone, receiving my request. Turns out he's an Uber driver and he was looking for a reason to get out of the date too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 958

You deserved it 785

By TheMommas - 06/11/2013 16:33 - United States - Dallas

Today, my five-year-old stepson announced that he is finally no longer scared of flushing toilets. Immediately after, I discovered that he's now decided that he's scared of the bathroom sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 958

You deserved it 3 338

By dannij08 - 14/01/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 419

You deserved it 43 314

By EggHead - 31/12/2014 04:38 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 927

You deserved it 2 581

By meish - 05/06/2016 13:16 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 418

You deserved it 966

By Aldoch - 30/05/2012 22:41

Today, my daughter was still acting out her teenage issues. This morning, when I told her to, "Have a nice day" she screamed at me, "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 953

You deserved it 4 820

Throwing shade

By deargodwhy - 04/09/2020 10:03

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 740

By mybackhurts - 04/02/2018 15:00

Today, my doctor ordered me an EKG to help my health anxiety. I have panic attacks and feel like my heart is out of rhythm, but my doctors have all told me it’s just in my head. I got the test results. I meet with the cardiologist next week to discuss surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 829

You deserved it 267

By danikka1 - 11/03/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 023

You deserved it 10 467

Marking territory

By Anonymous - 02/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 625

You deserved it 300

By creeped - 29/12/2009 00:50 - United States

Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 658

You deserved it 4 527

By N1ch0la1 - 08/08/2009 09:35 - South Africa

Today, while in the shower, my roomates thought it would be really funny if they threw my cat in with me. The doctor who gave me the stitches also thought so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 123

You deserved it 2 961

Take the hints

By Unwanted - 03/11/2015 19:10 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 557

You deserved it 4 593

By ChocolateEverywhere - 23/03/2017 00:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was at work, my kids had the great idea to make chocolate milk. My husband had the great idea not to clean up the chocolate mix the kids spilled, so the floor got covered in chocolate footprints. The cat then had the great idea to step in the mix, and cover everything else in chocolate paw prints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 717

You deserved it 465

By Notyourstepmom - 07/09/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mother for the first time. She greeted us holding a baby, and I told her how cute her son was. She told me that it was her grandson. Turns out my boyfriend is the father. We're 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 383

You deserved it 4 450

By habassistant - 02/01/2013 15:49 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 929

You deserved it 5 226

By Anonymous - 04/06/2013 07:11 - United States - Rainier

Today, I received a prank phone call that woke me up. I actually kept them on the line because they were the first person to call me in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 260

You deserved it 6 132

By race - 18/11/2010 08:37 - Australia

Today, I was in a meeting and someone behind me sneezed really loudly. As they were doing so, I felt something cold land on my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 607

You deserved it 2 667

By ouagadougou - 24/02/2009 11:02 - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 050

You deserved it 31 735

By demaris - 30/10/2010 23:46 - Canada

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 245

You deserved it 6 026

By jigglypuff100 - 20/12/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 260

You deserved it 4 171

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 740

You deserved it 43 972

Kitten time

By Anonymous - 26/04/2021 00:30

Today, I came home from putting my 18 year-old cat to sleep to find 3 months worth of prescription food, medication and cat litter on my porch. It isn't returnable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 95

By buttcrack - 18/02/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 143

You deserved it 3 913

By Anonymous - 04/09/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 058

You deserved it 461

By pirsquared - 28/01/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 835

You deserved it 36 562

By me - 18/06/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I was on a flight home. I wasn't going to arrive until midnight, so I was offered an earlier flight that got back at ten. I got to baggage claims and it turned out they lost my bag. I sat there for 2 hours. The people on my original flight left for home before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 708

You deserved it 3 821

Check this out

By Robert - 01/07/2009 09:37 - United States

Today, I got two viruses on my laptop. One was a fake anti-spyware program that cluttered the screen with pop-ups. The other opened the browser repeatedly, each time to a generic porn site. This all conveniently happened at work, on a projector and during a meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 584

You deserved it 7 382

We need a break

By pst - 21/11/2010 01:06 - South Africa

Today, the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. I just got dumped by a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 634

You deserved it 59 079

By Huedadaa - 19/10/2013 00:05 - France - Cauffry

Today, I asked my students to buy a copy of Anne Frank's diary for an assignment. One of them asked me in all seriousness who wrote it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 141

You deserved it 5 006

By Anonymous - 19/07/2011 18:03 - United States

Today, whenever I do something that the kid I am babysitting likes, he pats me on the head and says "good girl". I'm whipped by a seven year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 464

You deserved it 8 540

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Top comments

plethora 3

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:09

I'm guessing you actually said "pig flu", not "swine flu", didn't you?

dirtyhippie 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:08

Hilarious. I know a guy who has believed for over three years now that bird flu will bring the end of the world. Soon as I saw the news I sent him a message saying OMG - flu outbreak and this one's got ur name on it!

writerxforever 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:03

wow no offense but that would look really stupid wouldn't it??? still funny though. way to go. xD

Macromartyr 3

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Thursday 30 December 2010 9:53

Those masks are only good for a very short time (guessing about 20 minutes) and then need to be thrown out. Just so you all know :)

Kamon97 23

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Wednesday 20 November 2013 14:14

He should've said he was a doctor called in for emergency surgery and that's why he was speeding :p

smokegrindsleep 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:04

made me laugh out loud.

PhishloverA 14

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Saturday 11 August 2012 8:21

Me too #2

blankslate 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:05

Reallly? Reaaalllyy? Wow.

ZiggyMorrison 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:05

YDI for being a germophobe

kipperin 18

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Friday 23 May 2014 4:11

#4 And you are a retard, so if something bad happens to you remember, you deserve it

Gulsah 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:07

show up with the mask to court might help define u with ur case haha

dirtyhippie 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:08

plethora 3

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:09

I'm guessing you actually said "pig flu", not "swine flu", didn't you?

MalevolentMime 0

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Monday 27 April 2009 16:09

FYL. No matter how ridiculous anyone else thinks it is, you have the right to wear a surgical mask wherever you want without some ignorant doughnut-muncher slapping another ticket on your history just because he can't be bothered to watch the news once in a while.

Nomnomshark 3

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Saturday 7 May 2011 5:59

You are a moron insulting any police officer. go do there Job every day with the thought of possibly dieing. there serving you go to a country with shitty police and get crimes committed on you then you will see

ArbiterOfFML 24

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Monday 18 March 2019 21:45

People wouldn't stereotype cops, if such a huge chuck of them were not dicks.

smallfrie32 6

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Wednesday 1 June 2011 3:39

their*

PhishloverA 14

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Saturday 11 August 2012 8:26

#214, a cop still isn't allowed to give someone a ticket for that. There's no law prohibiting wearing surgical masks while driving or doing anything else because you're in fear of getting sick. Obviously you're the moron. Some cops can be douchebags

fivetimeslonger 24

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Tuesday 22 April 2014 20:37

Your grammar is off but the point you're trying to make is a good one. A for effort :)

thatguynamedsky 32

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Monday 27 April 2015 22:16

fuck me sideways #214 anyone can walk outside and suddenly die, officers are if anything more safe because ya know, theyre cops and we know where they are and shit and no one wants to kill them and shit and idk what im doing