Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

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Peaky Bladders

Billy no-mates

Deep-seated resentment

By Cockroachphobic - 4/4/2020 14:00

Creepy crawlies

Today, I found out that the small bugs I've been blowing off my pillow all year are in fact baby cockroaches. I discover this when I found two full grown ones crawling around and decided to Google it. FML

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By bevo - 26/8/2010 02:09 - Australia

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

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By Cheerieful - 7/5/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

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By creepedoutlady - 16/8/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 10:52 - United States

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

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By dumbfriend - 12/3/2012 19:48 - United States

Today, I was talking to a group of friends about the various problems in Africa. One of them interrupts me and asks with a straight face, "If it's so bad over there, why don't they all just leave?" FML

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By wtf3456 - 31/8/2011 09:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because I didn't know what her favorite ice cream was. She says it proves I don't care enough about her. I don't think I've ever seen her eat ice cream. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 04:31 - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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By FauteuilEver Alone - 5/7/2012 08:11 - France

Today, my wife, who is four months pregnant, burst into tears while thinking about the armchair in our living room that we never use. According to her, we're stopping it from living out its destiny as an armchair. FML

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By doggylove - 13/11/2015 03:57 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML

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By SaMike - 1/9/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

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By MAC - 13/1/2009 09:47 - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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By justlittleoldme - 12/3/2010 13:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up crying in the middle of a nightmare in which my boyfriend of 8 months shot me through the heart whilst laughing as I screamed 'I Love You'. After I told him about this, he took me into his arms as I cried, stroked my back and said, 'What kind of gun was it?' FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 03:25 - United States

Today, I had to choose between living with my over protective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML

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By CallMeJesusFreak - 23/6/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

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By me - 8/6/2012 14:00 - United States - Carthage

Today, I was taking a shower. My mom thinks it's ok to just walk in on someone when they are in there so she decides to take a crap. The worst part is she thought it would be less awkward to talk to me. FML

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By tooembarrassed - 12/2/2016 15:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML

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By Creepedout - 19/11/2015 03:26 - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By Chels - 24/5/2019 04:00

Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML

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By JessP - 26/2/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. I put my parents' address for the billing information because I didn't want the bill sent to my dorm after I moved out. The toys were sent to my parents house instead. FML

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By OhDear - 24/2/2011 20:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date with a guy who seemed to be quite the gentleman. I was proven wrong when he told me to "shut it" during dinner, stiffed me on the bill, and then left me at the restaurant so he could get his own taxi home. FML

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By new dog - 14/9/2014 03:38 - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

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By clutzymama - 10/7/2015 04:27 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, my 4-year-old daughter slipped on ceramic tile and I had to take her to the ER for 5 stitches to her chin. When we got home, I promptly split her chin open again as I over enthusiastically re-enacted how she fell to my husband and accidentally clocked her square in the chin. FML

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By raidered - 8/3/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, my three year old nephew was pointing at the TV screen and saying "Uncle, Uncle!" He thought it was me on the screen. It was Rosie O'Donnell. FML

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By i'm not psychic, mother fucker - 2/6/2013 20:48 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I got a text message while driving home. I checked after arriving, and found it was a kinky text from my boyfriend, so I sent him an even kinkier reply. He later raged at me, because I somehow should have known he was showing off his phone to his mom when I sent my reply. FML

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By I'll Make You FartCum - 2/1/2015 21:53 - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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By blank - 21/7/2010 13:52 - United States

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

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By Flora - 17/4/2013 22:56 - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

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By FromNL - 25/3/2011 12:22 - Netherlands

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

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By Iamsosorry - 22/6/2015 11:35 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, at my work in a call centre, a man called up on a very quiet line to report a car accident on his father's behalf because his father was deaf. I asked him to ask his dad if he was OK after the accident. I'd misheard him and he had said "dead", not "deaf". He started crying. FML

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By Kenton - 15/6/2019 00:14

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

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By SLAB_GIRL15 - 1/8/2012 07:59 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, I cleaned the toilet so vigorously that I snapped the handle of the brush. I laughed and told the rest of my family. Instead of joining in on the hilarity, my mother screamed, "We have had that toilet brush for twenty-six years!" FML

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By The Towel Molester - 26/1/2012 14:49 - Australia

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity". I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 02:13 - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

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By kierstin - 19/10/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because he has anger issues. Tonight, my tires were slashed. FML

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By lyinginbed - 4/6/2016 19:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a field with my boyfriend and he picked me some pretty flowers. I hugged him and leant in to sniff them. In doing so, I inhaled a bee up my nose and had to force it out my swollen nostril after it had stung me. FML

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By MyHeadHurts - 20/1/2012 10:42 - Ireland

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

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By he’s just terrible at it! - 30/10/2018 03:00

Today, I had to finally accept that no amount of communication, directions, or diagrams will make my otherwise great boyfriend good at sex. When he's on top, he thrusts like the tin man with no oil. When I'm on top, he lays there like a sedated mattress. He refuses to try anything new. FML

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By Laceylace - 22/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2020 23:00

Rude awakening

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

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Top comments

By plethora | 3

#147819 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:09

I'm guessing you actually said "pig flu", not "swine flu", didn't you?

By dirtyhippie | 0

#147817 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:08

Hilarious.
I know a guy who has believed for over three years now that bird flu will bring the end of the world. Soon as I saw the news I sent him a message saying OMG - flu outbreak and this one's got ur name on it!

COMMENTS

By writerxforever | 0

#147800 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:03

wow no offense but that would look really stupid wouldn't it??? still funny though. way to go. xD

Reply

Macromartyr | 3

#1907572 - Thursday 30 December 2011 9:53

Those masks are only good for a very short time (guessing about 20 minutes) and then need to be thrown out. Just so you all know :)

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5761547 - Wednesday 20 November 2013 14:14

He should've said he was a doctor called in for emergency surgery and that's why he was speeding :p

By smokegrindsleep | 0

#147803 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:04

made me laugh out loud.

Reply

PhishloverA | 14

#4800468 - Saturday 11 August 2012 8:21

Me too #2

By blankslate | 0

#147806 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:05

Reallly? Reaaalllyy? Wow.

By ZiggyMorrison | 0

#147810 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:05

YDI for being a germophobe

Reply

kipperin | 18

#5953632 - Friday 23 May 2014 4:11

#4 And you are a retard, so if something bad happens to you remember, you deserve it

By Gulsah | 0

#147816 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:07

show up with the mask to court

might help define u with ur case haha

By dirtyhippie | 0

#147817 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:08

Hilarious.
I know a guy who has believed for over three years now that bird flu will bring the end of the world. Soon as I saw the news I sent him a message saying OMG - flu outbreak and this one's got ur name on it!

By plethora | 3

#147819 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:09

I'm guessing you actually said "pig flu", not "swine flu", didn't you?

By MalevolentMime | 0

#147822 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:09

FYL. No matter how ridiculous anyone else thinks it is, you have the right to wear a surgical mask wherever you want without some ignorant doughnut-muncher slapping another ticket on your history just because he can't be bothered to watch the news once in a while.

Reply

Nomnomshark | 3

#2471331 - Saturday 7 May 2011 5:59

You are a moron insulting any police officer. go do there Job every day with the thought of possibly dieing. there serving you go to a country with shitty police and get crimes committed on you then you will see

Reply

smallfrie32 | 6

#2597507 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 3:39

their*

Reply

PhishloverA | 14

#4800477 - Saturday 11 August 2012 8:26

#214, a cop still isn't allowed to give someone a ticket for that. There's no law prohibiting wearing surgical masks while driving or doing anything else because you're in fear of getting sick. Obviously you're the moron. Some cops can be douchebags

Reply

fivetimeslonger | 24

#5922957 - Tuesday 22 April 2014 20:37

Your grammar is off but the point you're trying to make is a good one. A for effort :)

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6275430 - Monday 27 April 2015 22:16

fuck me sideways #214 anyone can walk outside and suddenly die, officers are if anything more safe because ya know, theyre cops and we know where they are and shit and no one wants to kill them and shit and idk what im doing

By mykbibby | 0

#147824 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:09

Hahahaha!

By bobdole | 0

#147825 - Monday 27 April 2009 16:10

overseer overseer officer officer