Health: Today, I was in a video chat with an old friend who I haven't... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 103

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 111

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 42

02/10/2009 01:09

Today, I was in a video chat with an old friend who I haven't talked to in years, and my mom walks in. The first thing she says is, "Did you close the toilet after you pooped? Cause today on the news I heard that your poop particles can fly up to 25 feet, landing on your toothbrush." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 913

You deserved it 3 193

The smell detective is on the case

Good kid

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

26/02/2012 04:09

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 074

You deserved it 28 441

16/02/2012 21:42

Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 892

You deserved it 10 053

27/08/2015 08:23

Today, I was going down the elevator in my dorm and a friend joined on another floor. He then thought it was a good time to tell me that he slept with my girlfriend when the elevator got stuck. Worst 40 minutes of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 613

You deserved it 1 596

Cheers, Henry

By Tams - 12/09/2019 12:00

Today, my grandma and I went to visit one of her friends. The elderly gentleman told me I'd grown into a very beautiful young woman, to which my grandma replied, "Have you started in on the sherry early this evening, Henry?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 361

You deserved it 113

14/05/2011 19:06

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 196

You deserved it 14 125

25/05/2013 23:12

Spicy

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 776

You deserved it 4 953

09/06/2012 04:51

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 989

You deserved it 46 257

Denied

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 00:01

Today, an Air Force recruiter called me. I've been wanting to join the Air Force for 5 years now. After chatting on the phone with him for 10 minutes, I mentioned to him that I had asthma. He quickly told me I can't join any of the military branches, and to have a good day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 732

You deserved it 428

W.T.F.

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 929

You deserved it 578

16/06/2016 18:56

Today I got sunburned on my cheeks. This wouldn't be too bad if they were the ones on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 170

You deserved it 4 215

13/10/2010 12:57

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 147

You deserved it 5 146

20/07/2010 13:33

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 616

You deserved it 40 954

Narcissus

By Anonymous - 13/09/2021 17:00

Today, my friend isn't speaking to me since I came out to her. Not because she's a homophobe, but because she's mortally offended that I didn't confess my love in the process. Seems that everyone who's attracted to women should be attracted to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 84

Such a healthy environment

By Predator - 21/03/2021 18:30

Today, on my first full day on Marine Corps boot camp, my drill instructor pulled me and another kid in front of 200 other recruits to vote on who was uglier between the two of us. I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 187

Child's play

By knew that kid looked familiar - 06/10/2021 17:00

Today, I took my kids to the park. I saw my daughter playing with a kid who looked familiar. Turns out he was my ex’s son, whom I haven’t seen in years. I thought it was cute they played so well together, until my ex’s new girlfriend came over, screaming that I was trying to use my kid to get to her man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 100

You deserved it 130

19/10/2018 15:00

Today, I got denied a refund for my dream coffee machine. I've overdrafted my bank account to buy it on Offer Up for an excellent price, but USPS delivered the package to a wrong address. Someone got it for free. Offer Up won't refund me because it says "delivered" on the tracking page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 192

You deserved it 729

30/05/2009 05:07

Today, I got into my first car accident. Extremely upset, I called my parents, because it was their car and I didn't know what to do. I told them what happened, and asked if they were on their way to where I was. My dad's response was "Hell no, we're eating dinner." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 981

You deserved it 8 890

30/10/2009 02:00

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 753

You deserved it 3 870

13/09/2009 02:42

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at halloween costumes online for this years halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 441

You deserved it 3 885

16/04/2009 00:13

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 549

You deserved it 7 383

30/03/2016 03:37

Today, I realized I didn't want to come home from a business trip because I like my job more than my husband. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 179

You deserved it 4 535

15/12/2017 10:00

Today, my girlfriend got paid by the richest guy in our school to go to the Winter Formal with him. She took up the offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 142

You deserved it 491

06/06/2014 21:26

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 416

You deserved it 6 019

28/04/2009 06:27

Spicy

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 234 742

You deserved it 13 532

20/08/2013 21:37

Today, I asked out the girl who always looks and smiles at me in class. I was surprised when she rejected me until I found out she was actually always looking at the clock behind me, and smiling when class is almost over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 095

You deserved it 5 004

Keeping it in the family!

By Franklin - 01/02/2018 05:00

Today, we got the results of our family's ancestry DNA tests. My father isn't related to me, but my grandfather is still my grandfather. Apparently grandma cheated on grandpa to get 'dad', and my mother cheated on 'dad' with my 'uncle' to get me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 177

You deserved it 283

05/07/2011 16:41

Today, I found my dad using my bathroom. Why? Because he "had to take a crap" and didn't want to stink up his own bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 446

You deserved it 4 934

30/09/2012 23:02

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 809

You deserved it 5 617

07/02/2012 12:04

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 150

You deserved it 6 879

Innocent

By ouch! - 22/08/2020 08:02

Today, I was playfully chasing my daughter along the waterline at the beach when the biggest, buffest, lifeguard I’d ever seen full-on NFL-style tackled me. Apparently I "looked like a creep" chasing a young girl. My ribs hurt like the devil and my daughter won’t stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 065

You deserved it 145

03/11/2015 03:55

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 853

You deserved it 1 735

06/04/2019 12:00

Today, I completely lost it when I found out my mom was driving around with my 20-month-old daughter not sat in a car seat. She told me I was overreacting, and that everything was fine since she “prayed for a safe journey.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 611

You deserved it 212

So, are you in or are you out?

By The Fishing Pole - 15/06/2017 18:00

Today, I told my long time crush, "I love you," in an elaborate way. She replied, "What an interesting perspective." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 698

You deserved it 751

07/05/2011 23:10

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 365

You deserved it 11 668

31/07/2013 04:50

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 997

You deserved it 5 255

14/11/2014 22:36

Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 516

You deserved it 2 570

27/03/2013 19:55

Today, my husband called me, saying he was in the hospital with a friend who'd just broken his arm. Too bad I then heard a female voice in the background mutter, "She'll never buy that". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 339

You deserved it 4 305

Fair Warning

By TheNoseKnows - 16/02/2017 14:00

Spicy

Today, while sitting in a bar, I offered to buy the drunk chick sitting next to me a drink. She was a lot more inebriated than I thought, because she looked at me with bloodshot eyes and cheerfully responded, "There's a rotten smell in my vagina!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 705

You deserved it 2 482

30/01/2010 07:04

Today, I was driving home and stopped at a light. A cute guy in the truck ahead of me waved me forward and told me to roll down my window. It was the first time a cute guy had talked to me in a while so I was pretty excited. He told me to turn my lights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 231

You deserved it 10 162

03/12/2009 07:33

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 856

You deserved it 4 700

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

allmidnighteyes 10

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 9:36

Well, Orbit is always there to use afterwards. I'd still like to know where the hell they tested shit particles flying up in a parabolic arc 25 feet into the air though.

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 9:47

Well, at least your old friend has a reason not to talk to you for years again.

Comments

allmidnighteyes 10

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 9:36

Well, Orbit is always there to use afterwards. I'd still like to know where the hell they tested shit particles flying up in a parabolic arc 25 feet into the air though.

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 11:52

They test for bacteria present in faeces, and see where else its found. You have a whole colony of bacteria that lives exclusively in your colon, so if its found on your toothbrush there's only one place it could have come from... so unless some people have some rather odd hygeine rituals... its from the toilet.

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 17:23

Your toothbrush is stored 25 feet above the toilet?

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 17:33

More like when the toilet is flushed, air bubbles form, and when they pop, mist is sprayed everywhere. It's as effective as Glade in a can, only instead of a fragrance, it leaves [i]E. coli[/i] everywhere. And if you close the lid, next one to open it gets it in his/her face. Best countermeasure: the fan.

Reyo 2

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 18:38

I think a chip is inplanted into new parents that allowes them to talk about the most random ass shit at the worst time possible. I was on a wi-fi chat with a friend from school, and after hours and hours of not saying anything, my Mom decided that THIS 5 minute interval was the right time to descuss the underwear that was washing in the washingmachine. Dear lord...

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 21:56

Mythbusters, episode 12. The bacteria you are referring to was found on control toothbrushes that had not been exposed to a toilet.

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 22:36

LOL #44 YOU'RE RIGHT!!

Send a private message

Saturday 3 October 2009 8:54

HAHAH THAT MADE ME LOL SO MUCH #40

Send a private message

Friday 19 March 2010 16:56

#51, i agree, mythbusters proved this wrong. shit and bacteria do not fly everywhere when you flush.

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 9:43

do you have to drink a lot of soda so your poo becomes carbonated and like fizzes or something to cause these particles to fly?

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 10:07

it's the pressure of the water when you flush, not the poo itself

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 9:43

lmfao

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 9:47

Well, at least your old friend has a reason not to talk to you for years again.

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 9:47

well, did you close it?

PsYcHoSOADLaDy 0

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 10:00

That's An Interesting Fact.... Um Ew

Witchcraft_fml 4

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 10:16

Your mum wins. Good to know that poop particles specifically target toothbrushes, though.

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 15:05

OK, but she should ask her mom is that why she is wearing that shit-eating grin.

Witchcraft_fml 4

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 20:38

More importantly, why is there corn stuck between her teeth?!

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 10:34

FML for this?? Boo hoo you're friend knows you poop.

Witchcraft_fml 4

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 10:37

They've created an army. None are safe. Hide.

Send a private message

Friday 2 October 2009 10:50

Hahahahahahahaha. The funny thing is my mom told me the same exact thing, except i wasnt chatting with a friend. I still dont close the toilet lid.